Feeling Good and Reenergized

I've been down for awhile now.  I looked up the symptoms to depression, and no, I'm definitely not clinically depressed.  Too bad--"unhappy" just sounds lame.  In combination with loneliness, I had a break down in the shower, and I realized that I am feeling spiritually drained.  I love the stuff I'm doing at church, but other than sermons, there's nothing that fills me.  There's no one teaching me.  I realized this when I burst out, "I'm tired of serving You!"  And I immediately felt like God responded, "I want you to rest in me."

That revelation--that I feel like I'm giving more than I'm capable, and I'm scared to talk to God in case He asks me to do more--helped me understand why I've been avoiding prayer and reading my Bible.  So last night, I asked God to comfort me.  I opened up the Bible, aiming for the Psalms, and my eyes fell on Psalm 73.  It was....so not applicable.  But I figured I should keep reading, and then I got to this:

When my heart was grieved and my spirit was embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73: 21-28

YES.  That right there.  Is why I love God.

This morning Harold Booze talked about his trip to Niger.  It ended with a video of people from around the world, and as the song (with lyrics about the all the nations rejoicing in God) built to a climax, video of people in Africa, Asia, and Europe being baptized played every few seconds.  I was overwhelmed.  I want to see that.

There was a call to prayer, and I went forward to our steps.  I never go forward for things.  I can make commitments in my head where I stand, thank you very much.  But I think the importance of going forward is psychological.  It is a physical symbol of your choice, and the action makes the belief more solid.  I felt like I ought to go forward, and then my feet were moving and it was too late.  As soon as I knelt down, tears just kind of exploded from my eyes.  I couldn't pray anything other than, "Help me, God.  I want so much.  Help me."  Images of Lamba and Mame Codou went through my head.  I want to be a missionary.  I want to fix the world.  I want the friends I make to know and love Jesus.  I want to be better at talking about the God I profess to love so much.

Then in Sunday School, we talked about the Lord's Prayer.  When we got to "let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven," I was taken over by this surety that we as Christians need to do more.  How does God's will become practice on earth?  When we live it!  There is serious evil going on in our world.  Harold mentioned sex trafficking briefly in his talk.  WE SHOULD BE FIGHTING THAT.

I just...it made me realize what it means to be soldiers of God.  Does it matter what worldly activities we don't do?  Sure.  But I think the things that will really make the world see God and worship Jesus are the pro-active DOING things.  We need to get off our couches and out of our materialistic worlds, and actively fight against evil, and actively show radical love.

I need to get off my couch and out of my materialistic world.  I want to change the world.  I think God wants me to change the world.  I think He's waiting for us to stop thinking about ourselves and start putting the rest of the world first.

Today was a good day.