It's been a week since I started my nannying job, and I'd say my love for it is approximately 200% greater than my job at Logos. For one thing, it's awesomely disorienting. I've got a permanent car seat behind me when I drive, which is weird. Mrs. Nannied told me I could stow it away during my hot weekend dates, and I smiled politely.
Anju and Ketan are pretty awesome, though. They're in grade school, so I can tell them to do something like shower and not have to help them. They tried to push their luck early in the week ("Mom lets us eat candy whenever we want!" "No, seriously, we're allowed to use the Internet anytime.") But I didn't fall for that, even when they teared up and said I was mean. "Yeah, I am mean. So stop crying."
I'm going to be such an awesome mom.
Around Tuesday, Mrs. Nannied asked me to make up a point system. That seemed like ridiculous Pinterest-level involvement, and I sulked until I asked Ketan and Anju if they wanted to be nicknamed Hogwarts houses. Now I can say, "Your bed was made. One point to Gryffindor! Don't talk back to me. Five points from Slytherin."
Mostly the two are really awesome. Kids are hilarious in this unassuming way where adults are usually self-conscious. Anju was doing her homework while Ketan was in piano lessons, and she couldn't get her worksheet to lay flat. "Would you please move your whole self?" she asked. I burst out laughing, "My whole self? You want me to move my whole self and just fall on the floor over here?" She grinned up at me and nodded. "No, I'm not moving my whole self. You move your whole self."
And Ketan loves Harry Potter. We found out we've both been to Harry Potter World, and I started to tell him how excited I was to buy a freaking chocolate frog, but then he pulled out a legit Slytherin robe and Sirius's wand, and a specially made wand just for Ketan. I've never been so jealous of a 4th grader in my whole life. But it's okay, because the two nights I've put them to bed involved an epic wand duel, once when I hid in a doorway so that when Ketan jumped out I wasn't there. "Expelliarmus!" I shouted and leaped out at him. He fell on the floor, laughing in terror.
It's pretty great, is what I'm saying.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Can't
I've spent the last five months falling in love with counseling, figuring out areas I might want to pursue, talking with students at various points along discovering where God is calling them to serve. Today four women came to talk to my class about their experiences with abortion and the post-abortive ministry they participated in. It was absolutely wonderful, and I left the class full of emotion.
But like, weird emotion. I didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but I knew it was big. I flickered through some thoughts, and eventually "I can't do this," passed through my mind. Immediately I burst into ugly sobs. Because I'm studying, you know, brain processing and stuff, I intuited that perhaps I had struck something important.
Because that's the thing. I can't do it. Who am I to enter into intimate relationships with strangers, to walk beside people through their darkest moments and deepest fears, to offer help and love, to facilitate change? I CAN'T DO THAT. I'm not overly compassionate. My middle class white girl problems don't hold a candle to the struggles so many people endure. I cannot understand what everyone has gone through, I cannot find the words to bring someone into peace and transformation. I can't do it.
Even as I was crying in the car, fully aware of my limitations, I was so happy. I knew this was good. A couple weeks ago this guy encouraged us in chapel. "Ask God for a dream that is too big for you," he said. "Because then when you accomplish it, there will be no doubt in your mind or in the world's eyes that it was God who acted, and not you."
So there it is. I know I can't be a counselor. The idea of being some kind of authority figure to the hurting men and women of the world makes me want to throw up. I don't know what people go through, but God does. I don't know how to love people, but Jesus does. I don't know how to transform people, but the Holy Spirit does.
I can't do this. But God can, and He will enable me. And that's pretty awesome.
But like, weird emotion. I didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but I knew it was big. I flickered through some thoughts, and eventually "I can't do this," passed through my mind. Immediately I burst into ugly sobs. Because I'm studying, you know, brain processing and stuff, I intuited that perhaps I had struck something important.
Because that's the thing. I can't do it. Who am I to enter into intimate relationships with strangers, to walk beside people through their darkest moments and deepest fears, to offer help and love, to facilitate change? I CAN'T DO THAT. I'm not overly compassionate. My middle class white girl problems don't hold a candle to the struggles so many people endure. I cannot understand what everyone has gone through, I cannot find the words to bring someone into peace and transformation. I can't do it.
Even as I was crying in the car, fully aware of my limitations, I was so happy. I knew this was good. A couple weeks ago this guy encouraged us in chapel. "Ask God for a dream that is too big for you," he said. "Because then when you accomplish it, there will be no doubt in your mind or in the world's eyes that it was God who acted, and not you."
So there it is. I know I can't be a counselor. The idea of being some kind of authority figure to the hurting men and women of the world makes me want to throw up. I don't know what people go through, but God does. I don't know how to love people, but Jesus does. I don't know how to transform people, but the Holy Spirit does.
I can't do this. But God can, and He will enable me. And that's pretty awesome.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Update
It's been a while, partly because life suddenly became crazy busy, and partly because, I dunno. I don't like updating about my personal life. Then everyone knows without having to talk to me, and I want people to talk to me. So. But anyway, I felt like I ought to give an update anyway, to clear out my mind at least.
School: My feelings for grad school can mostly be summed up like this. I FREAKING LOVE IT. I mean, I knew that I liked listening to wise and experienced teachers, absorbing their knowledge and reshaping or strengthening my worldview, but holy cow. I like, really love it. All of my professors are hugely smart, of course, but they are also humble and caring and devoted to Christ in a way that is obvious in how they treat their subject and their students. I love them all, but especially Dr. Kreider, my professor of theology. For 2 1/2 hours, I stare at him and think, "Get your brain into my brain, now!"
However, grad school is also a lot of work. Professors assign like, four chapters out of a textbook at a time, and maybe some articles, and oh yeah, watch this video, and have this entire book done in a couple weeks. I love to read, but it is still overwhelming. Especially when some of the books are dry as a 2,000 year old bone. But whatever. Dr. Kreider encouraged us by telling us mostly we just needed to run our eyeballs over the stuff, to get used to reading the terms and thinking in seminary language, and that by our second year we'll actually start understanding what we're reading. I just want to huggle him, but he doesn't seem like a huggly person.
Work: Welp, I'm actually quitting my job at Logos! I feel a bit like a quitter, which, I guess I am. But I feel like I ought NOT to quit, since I've only worked there for three weeks. But I'm doing it. Mostly because working 20ish hours a week does not pay my bills, and I can't really work any more without dying a stressful death. But also because I learned two very important lessons.
1) I always thought I wanted to work in a small book store. Nope. I might want to RUN one, but working retail is incredibly boring. I hate boring. When customers are there, excellent! I love chatting and helping them find things. But most of the day I have to wander the store, making miniscule adjustments to displays to make sure everything looks orderly. Or I stand behind the cash register and stare into space for 8 minutes, waiting for something to happen. I can't stand it.
2) I met a boy who is everything I ever wanted in a boy. *cough* He's exactly like me. *cough* And you know what? I can't stand him either. Turns out I'd much rather argue than be right. So that's good--I now have to completely re-evaluate what I want in a guy.
Church: I found a church that I dearly love (after three weeks), and I kind of accidentally joined a six-week class to become a member. I love their approach to church, to transformation personally and communally. I love the people I've met, their friendliness and hospitality (two people have asked me out to lunch already!). I dunno if I'll become a member after these classes, but also, why not? I'm 98% sure I want to commit to staying with them for the next three years.
Oh, and I joined a women's Bible study on Wednesday nights. The women at Trinity are lovely. I went in kind of prideful, because I'm a hugely brilliant seminary student now, and they are all laypeople. Then at the first discussion I answered a question and the leader said, "And that leads to...?" I stared at her blankly. So I'm not brilliant or anything. Good to have humility forced on me. Anyway, I really like them.
Home: I jumped from doing nothing to being involved in three very big time-suckers. That unfortunately means I rarely see my housemates. Liz and I are still deliberate about hanging out, but my free time never seems to coincide with Jess or Amy. Also they have been gone nearly every weekend, which is good for my schoolwork, but a little sad. Still, it's fall, and everything is crazy for everyone, so I think/hope life will calm down eventually.
Not for Amy, though. She's been having tests, and yesterday she found out she has cancer. She's going to have to do chemo and radiation and everything, and we talked about it a little. She's the housemate I feel the least close to, and I felt very under-qualified to support her during this huge life obstacle. But while we were talking, she said she knew God had given her us as her roommates during this time for a reason, and I remembered that her last roommate was a psycho. So at least I will not be that. Prayers for her healing would be appreciated, and I'd also love some prayers for me, to know how best to love on her without overwhelming her or constantly reminding her of her problems.
So, Dallas. It's really kicked up a notch.
School: My feelings for grad school can mostly be summed up like this. I FREAKING LOVE IT. I mean, I knew that I liked listening to wise and experienced teachers, absorbing their knowledge and reshaping or strengthening my worldview, but holy cow. I like, really love it. All of my professors are hugely smart, of course, but they are also humble and caring and devoted to Christ in a way that is obvious in how they treat their subject and their students. I love them all, but especially Dr. Kreider, my professor of theology. For 2 1/2 hours, I stare at him and think, "Get your brain into my brain, now!"
However, grad school is also a lot of work. Professors assign like, four chapters out of a textbook at a time, and maybe some articles, and oh yeah, watch this video, and have this entire book done in a couple weeks. I love to read, but it is still overwhelming. Especially when some of the books are dry as a 2,000 year old bone. But whatever. Dr. Kreider encouraged us by telling us mostly we just needed to run our eyeballs over the stuff, to get used to reading the terms and thinking in seminary language, and that by our second year we'll actually start understanding what we're reading. I just want to huggle him, but he doesn't seem like a huggly person.
Work: Welp, I'm actually quitting my job at Logos! I feel a bit like a quitter, which, I guess I am. But I feel like I ought NOT to quit, since I've only worked there for three weeks. But I'm doing it. Mostly because working 20ish hours a week does not pay my bills, and I can't really work any more without dying a stressful death. But also because I learned two very important lessons.
1) I always thought I wanted to work in a small book store. Nope. I might want to RUN one, but working retail is incredibly boring. I hate boring. When customers are there, excellent! I love chatting and helping them find things. But most of the day I have to wander the store, making miniscule adjustments to displays to make sure everything looks orderly. Or I stand behind the cash register and stare into space for 8 minutes, waiting for something to happen. I can't stand it.
2) I met a boy who is everything I ever wanted in a boy. *cough* He's exactly like me. *cough* And you know what? I can't stand him either. Turns out I'd much rather argue than be right. So that's good--I now have to completely re-evaluate what I want in a guy.
Church: I found a church that I dearly love (after three weeks), and I kind of accidentally joined a six-week class to become a member. I love their approach to church, to transformation personally and communally. I love the people I've met, their friendliness and hospitality (two people have asked me out to lunch already!). I dunno if I'll become a member after these classes, but also, why not? I'm 98% sure I want to commit to staying with them for the next three years.
Oh, and I joined a women's Bible study on Wednesday nights. The women at Trinity are lovely. I went in kind of prideful, because I'm a hugely brilliant seminary student now, and they are all laypeople. Then at the first discussion I answered a question and the leader said, "And that leads to...?" I stared at her blankly. So I'm not brilliant or anything. Good to have humility forced on me. Anyway, I really like them.
Home: I jumped from doing nothing to being involved in three very big time-suckers. That unfortunately means I rarely see my housemates. Liz and I are still deliberate about hanging out, but my free time never seems to coincide with Jess or Amy. Also they have been gone nearly every weekend, which is good for my schoolwork, but a little sad. Still, it's fall, and everything is crazy for everyone, so I think/hope life will calm down eventually.
Not for Amy, though. She's been having tests, and yesterday she found out she has cancer. She's going to have to do chemo and radiation and everything, and we talked about it a little. She's the housemate I feel the least close to, and I felt very under-qualified to support her during this huge life obstacle. But while we were talking, she said she knew God had given her us as her roommates during this time for a reason, and I remembered that her last roommate was a psycho. So at least I will not be that. Prayers for her healing would be appreciated, and I'd also love some prayers for me, to know how best to love on her without overwhelming her or constantly reminding her of her problems.
So, Dallas. It's really kicked up a notch.
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