Sia's Dance Videos

For the last couple months, it's been an unspoken rule that the second I find "Chandelier" on the radio, everything else in my car becomes non-existent.  Ketan once stopped mid-sentence, said, "Oh no," waited as I scream-sang for 3 minutes and 52 seconds, then picked up where he had left off.  I loved the song's unflinching awareness of self-harm as a coping strategy and the hidden pain of those we think are on top of the world (see also Tove Lo's "Habits").  The unapologetic message, "This is what I have to do to make it through the day, but I know it's not really working" is hugely appealing to me.

And then I saw the music video, and my love exploded through the roof.

I mean, first, the choreography is amazing.  Maddie Ziegler is an extremely talented young dancer whose graceful chaos is both attractive and disturbing.  She is aggressive, confused, childlike, crazed, powerful, weightless, and silly.  She is the cacophony of humanity, the riot of emotions that refuse to be categorized or systematized.  She is too much--too much for her past, for enforced societal roles, for what she wants or what she fears--you can read a lot of things into this dance, which is what makes it so powerful.  What is clear is that she's cramming herself smaller, flying and screaming before ending with a perfect curtsy, one that continues for an uncomfortably long time as she forces us to bear the weight of her strained grin.

Perfection.

A couple days ago I saw Sia had a new music video, this one to a song called "Elastic Heart" which I know nothing about.  That lends a weird quality to my appreciation of the video, since I'm judging it entirely on the dance and pretty much ignoring the lyrics.

There is an immediately obvious difference--Maddie Ziegler is joined by Shia LeBeouf.  After an initial squick of "the prepubescent girl and adult man look naked!" I was immediately overwhelmed by how perfect the skin-toned outfits are.  Never once is either dancer sexualized, though it would have been easy to let the tone slip somewhere inappropriate.  Instead, the implied nudity is all about vulnerability.  Maddie and Shia are laid bare to the public, ripped open beyond skin to the uncomfortable pain that lies beneath.  The dirtied coverings perfectly convey the discomfort of being exposed without once being about sex.  Brilliant.

When I first watched the video, I viewed it through the lens of a relationship, since I've been trained to think of any female/male interaction as necessarily romantic.  I liked that narrative, but then I saw Sia's tweets about how Maddie and Shia represent two "Sias."  I watched it again, and I love this.  I love it so much.

Alluding to Carl Jung's theories of each person containing both anima and animus forces (feminine and masculine),  this video delves into warring aspects of self.  The two circle each other, fight, retreat.  In a moment of tenderness, it seems like there could be reconciliation, but the wild one lashes out in fear.  The other becomes angry until it is clear that the wild one is free.  In the cage, the two selves can fight in freedom and even safety.  But now there is disparity--one can grow up and leave the other behind.  In a last bid for unity, she re-enters the cage, drugs and tricks him into following her out, but to no avail.  We cannot grow up without leaving some parts of ourselves behind.  We cannot embrace one role without neglecting another.  And so we're left for nearly 50 interminably silent seconds to watch them fail to free him.  Holy goosebumps.

I'm a huge fan of story-telling, but my obsession with words often makes me forget how powerful the medium of dance is for conveying emotion.  Thank goodness Sia is around to remind me of its possibilities.

Arwen and Tauriel

Me:  And I loved Tauriel and Kili.
David:  Of course you did.
Me:  I was expecting her to die with him, since she's not in Lord of the Rings.  I thought it would be a tragic Romeo & Juliet thing.  But she lived!  And it was so much worse and so much better!
David:  She has to live without him forever.
Me:  Yeah.
David:  Forever.
Me:  Oh my gosh.  You're right.  *keening*  This is so painful!!
David:  She's like the opposite of Arwen.
Me:  *gasp*  Someone should write an essay about that!
David:  I'll get right on that.

I don't think he's going to get right on that, so I will!  Tauriel, the immortal elf who loved a mortal dwarf, and Arwen, the immortal elf who loved a mortal man.  The first watched her love die and will have to live forever with that pain, while the second gave up her immortality and died with her love.  Although Arwen's decision was given much weight throughout the LotR series, I can't help but think that Tauriel's love is the more tragic.

Arwen's choice to give up her immortality and live a mortal life alongside Aragorn was undercut by the overarching tragedy of the elves.  They live forever, but in a broken world, this is not such a gift as it might seem.  Some elves respond to this tragedy by isolation (Thranduil and the Mirkwood elves), while others jump into the affairs of men and suffer the consequences (Haldir in the movies).  In between are those like Elrond and Galadriel who spend most of their time amongst their own people, but are willing to engage with the wars of men and dwarves if the need is great enough.  No matter their worldview, the elves are consistently portrayed as beautiful tragedies, a relic of a time long gone.  They are separate from everything around them, waiting for the end of their age when all elves journey on to Valinor.

With this backdrop, Arwen's decision feels almost smart.  Choosing to live and die a mortal means becoming relevant.  She can engage with the peoples around her and feel the increased joy and sorrow that accompanies experiences from a mortal vantage point.  Eternity for elves is known, but the fate of men after death is less established.  This is one of her risks, trusting in eternity even without the surety of elven faith.  Far greater, however, is her separation from her people.  As her father and friends leave Middle-earth, she alone lives on.  Until she dies.  But it seems to me that death is not so much the tragedy as is her goodbyes.

Then we have Tauriel, a new character added by Peter Jackson.  I adore her, both for the general inclusion of a female presence in the male-dominated Hobbit story, and for her specific combination of warrior-lover.  Kili the dwarf falls in love with her when she saves his life, and she falls in love with him when they discuss starlight and family traditions.  Although they know each other an impossibly short amount of time, Tauriel feels his death deeply.  So deeply that she finally comes to understand the coldness of Thranduil, who repressed his emotions so deeply in order to ignore the pain of losing his wife centuries ago.

And that's the thing.  Losing someone you love means centuries of grief if you are an elf.  As in Thranduil's case, this can still occur even between elf-elf reltionships.  But Tauriel's love for a dwarf exacerbates this problem.  Not only is she in love with a mortal, she is in love with a hot-headed dwarf who seeks the glory of battle and the honor of his homeland.  A short time together, she now has an eternity to mourn him.  No wonder she cries, "If this is love, I do not want it."  Opening your heart to love means opening your heart to pain.  For a human, but so much more for an elf.

So who has the greater tragedy?  Arwen, who gave up immortality, or Tauriel, who must live forever with grief? 

Clearly the answer is me, a obsessive fan who has chosen to carry both their burdens.

So Much Joy

I've been walking on clouds the last couple days.  So much of my "but I don't know details!" anxiety has disappeared, because, well, I know some details now!

I Skyped with Argyris on Monday, and I cannot overstate HOW IMPORTANT it is for me to see his (and Dina's) face.  It is utterly bizarre trying to plan this massive life transition alone, half a world away from my fellow planners.  He filled me in on some visa information, and most importantly, on my job!

I'm definitely going to be teaching classes for the women in the safe house, along with another teacher (as yet undecided).  Classes run from 10-4, which is my DREAM SCHEDULE.  I'll essentially be doing pscyhoeducation, and I am so excited.  When I first started at DTS, I remember being super interested in psychoeducation (basically, this means teaching psychological and healthful skills), but getting sidetracked by traditional counseling where you don't so much lead and teach as walk beside and encourage.

Anyway, there will be morning and afternoon classes based on topics like anger management, self-esteem, co-dependency, finances, employment, parenting, and an optional Bible study.  THIS IS SO AMAZING.  I love these topics!  I love how diverse the topics are!  I want to teach these topics SO BAD and learn while I teach and talk about them all the time and oh my gosh.  This is so completely perfect.

Plus, on Wednesday mornings I will lead the women in going through the 12 Steps.  This originated with alcoholism, but it has since been used by all sorts of groups based on the premise "I need help from something bigger than me to overcome this issue."  And the best part--on Wednesday afternoons, the leaders (including me!) will be participating in our own 12 Step program!!  I'm so excited!  I've wanted to find group counseling ever since my growth at DTS group, and here is one worked into my job!  Agh, I can't wait!

Having a concrete picture of what I'll be doing has been so encouraging.  On top of that, I have been supported by some really amazing men.  At work, Tyler has been a 100% cheerleader for pursuing my passion and helping me realize abused and neglected women really is my passion.  At Woodland, Joel has talked with me and worked with me in creating space for me to work with the church in raising support.  At TFC, Mike has started opening doors for me finding support here in Dallas.  And in Greece, Argyris is emailing me often, answering questions and just speaking such lovely prayers into my life (this last Skype he assured me he was praying that the awkward few months between graduation and moving would be meaningful for me).

Working with women who have been trafficked, it is easy for me to slip into "men are evil!" mentalities.  I am SO GRATEFUL to have such wonderful godly men who see a passion and a purpose in my life and are going out of their ways to help me accomplish it.  It really brightens my soul.

PLUS PLUS PLUS.  We had a staff meeting at my counseling center, and I sat by this guy Jeremy.  He is an intern as well, but he works a different day, so we've never talked before.  I told him about moving to Athens to work with women fleeing sex trafficking, and he said, "I think I know who you're working for."

"Dina and Argyris Petrou!?"

"Yeah.  At the Greek Bible College?"

"YES."

He went there with his wife TWICE in the last year.  He lived in the school's apartments where I will likely be living!  He met Dina and Argyris, and he heard them lecture on sex trafficking!!  I am so blown away by this tiny world we live in, and I'm feeling extra encouraged by Jeremy's extreme excitement and love for their work.

I'M IN THIS.  Sure, there will be more time for grieving the people and things I'm leaving.  But right now I am full to the brim of JOY.  I cannot wait!  This is such an exciting adventure, and I can't help feeling like it is designed especially for me.

Waiting in Advent

During Thanksgiving break, I played Dragon Age II for at least five hours every day.  Pretty quickly I realized I was escaping my anxiety by completing fictional quests, and I was grateful for the reprieve.  But now life has started back up, and I have to face the unbearable unknowability of the future.

It seems like I might not go to Greece until late 2015 or early 2016.  This throws my schedule off, as that means I will have to think through lease renewals and jobs.  It seems like fundraising is going to be extremely complicated and scary.  It seems like this whole adventure is overwhelming.

I tend to be a quitter.  If I don't think I can do something, I bow out and find something else.  So it was encouraging to realize that I don't want to quit Greece.  Although I am scared, there is no part of me that feels okay with saying, "well, screw this, back to the original plan."  I am 100% convinced that this is my best next step.  But still, I worry.

I talked to my friend Michal yesterday about our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico.  When she asked if I wanted to celebrate her birthday in the Caribbean, I immediately said yes.  Within 24 hours I had 1) booked flights, 2) reserved a hotel, and 3) scheduled a kayaking trip.  I threw it all back to her, and she stuttered an agreement, with the unspoken, "I just suggested this," very much evident.

That's what is frustrating about Greece.  When I decide something, I want to immediately work toward accomplishing it.  The fact that I cannot do so in this experience is driving me crazy.  There is so little I can control.

Which is why it's perfect that I am struggling with this during the Advent season.

Mallory and I have been texting each other Advent-themed prayers and book passages the last couple days.  I love the Christmas season because it's all about waiting, about expecting something good in the midst of a lack.  Easter is a lovely celebration of what has been accomplished and what will be accomplished, but Christmas is the time when we slog through the in between.  We are declared holy, but we are not yet holy.  We are saved, and we are being saved.  We are sinners and saints.  We are in the in between.

Advent says, "Wait!  This dark world will soon be bursting with light!  Just wait, just hold on and wait.  It feels impossible, it feels uncomfortable, it feels agonizing, but it will be worth it."  Advent is a reminder that we are not in control, that no matter how much I wish I could speed up the calendar, December 25th will come at its own pace, and not mine.

So even though I desperately want to book a flight, know all the details, and make accommodations, Advent is reminding me to wait.  To let God lead, to let God be in control, to trust God.

Lean into the longing.

Thinking About Michael Brown

When Michael Brown's death made nationally headlines, I thought, "Aw, that sucks."  Which.  Is maybe the most disgusting reaction to the knowledge of a human being's death?  My self-centered privilege could not be better summarized than my indifferent reaction to the end of a person's life.

I was going to write about how my opinion changed, a process that mostly revolves around the destruction of my naive belief that of course Darren Wilson would be charged with murder.  But I'm not good at talking about this.  Racial tensions, and a history of racial privilege and abuse that has been largely swept under the rug (because of embarrassment? a genuine hope to move past it?), oh my gosh, that is so out of my depth.  I very much believe racial equality is still something for which America must strive, but I'm not knowledgeable on all the details of how this plays out. 

So instead I'm just going to post some of the things I've been seeing online that have got me thinking.

I'm ashamed to admit that when this first was blowing up, I thought, "But I'm fighting for gender equality, not racial equality."  Again, ugh, the inside of my brain, ugh!  As if my concern for justice can only cover one group.  Thankfully I saw things like this that connected the dots for me.

This grossed me out...

One quote that especially made me sad...

“What age is a black boy when he learns he’s scary?”― Jonathan Lethem

And then there were a lot of comparisons made of how the law treats black and white people drastically differently.

"Just a reminder that James Holmes shot 82 people, walked out of a movie theater armed to the teeth and was arrested peacefully, while Mike Brown and a 12 year old boy with a toy gun were shot to death by cops because of 'self-defense.'"

This is not a place where I'm defending what "really" happened or how this specific situation ought to be played out, although I definitely have opinions.  What I care about is my growing concern for the racial divides that run deep in American veins.  In my veins.  I am appalled at how easy it was for me to not care about the death of a human being.  I am appalled at my preference in supporting one oppressed minority (aka the group I'm in!) while totally ignoring another oppressed minority.  I want to be on the side of the downtrodden, the abused, the hurting, the ignored, whether or not I can personally identify with them.  I'm done with not caring.

Grieving The Road Not Taken

Studying counseling is...so handy.  It's as if all of life involves emotions, and knowing how to navigate them is useful. 

One thing I've loved learning is that we grieve more than the loss of humans.  We also grieve the loss of opportunities.  And every time we choose something, we are necessarily choosing not to do every other thing.  Those other things deserve to be grieved.

This is different than the fear I feel thinking about Athens (at which point Kim's voice enters my head:  "Don't make a decision based on fear.").  This is me allowing myself to grieve losing Dallas.  I'm sad that I wont work with Nancy and Tyler.  It's so fun for Nancy to crash in my office while waiting for clients.  It's so fun to duck into Tyler's office to discuss being Scottish.

I'm sad to leave a group of friends who know me more intimately than any others, friends I made while we were all practicing our counseling skills in getting deeper faster.  I'll miss going out for coffee or--oh man, I'm going to miss the live music of Dallas so much.  I'm going to miss the kids I nanny, and getting to crash in a fancy house and eat their snacks.  I'll miss DTS even, although right now my senioritis finds that hard to believe.

Part of me wants to shove this sadness down.  Being sad means I can't move forward, being sad means I'm throwing a pity party.  I used to believe these lies, but not anymore.  "It hurts because it mattered," John Green wrote, and thinking of leaving Dallas hurts because being here mattered.  That's a wonderful thing!  It is so good to be sad and to grieve the loss of something meaningful and lovely.

Grieving doesn't mean I'll change my mind.  Grieving doesn't mean I'm not also crazy excited about going to Athens.  I'm an emotionally complex human being, capable of feeling multiple contradictory emotions simultaneously.  And I'll counsel myself via a blog if I want. 

Scared

Soon after I emailed Dina and Argyris, I was driving down Royal when I thought, "This is the dumbest thing I've ever done."  My mouth curled into a smile as I thought about leaving my internship, my awesome supervisor and coworkers.  I thought about turning down a solid job in order to depend on fundraising, and my smile turned into a loud crazy laugh.

"Thank you, God!" I laughed.  "Thank you for pushing me through the doubt and getting me to this place.  I love it!"

I love the risk, I love the insanity, I love having to trust God.  I suck at that in the small everyday things, but when it gets big enough to be life-changing, I love throwing it all away.

Of course, that intense joy hasn't lasted.  Fundraising intimidates the hell out of me.  Leaving the lovely people in Dallas who know me so intimately, who have been my counselors and allowed me to counsel them--that sucks.  Imagining starting over in a new country, making new friends and finding new streets and grocery stores is already exhausting.

I feel a little bit like I'm not allowed to be scared.  I fear that someone will say, "Well, this decision is wrong.  You were right when you decided to stay in Dallas."  So for awhile I didn't tell anyone about my fear except for Michal.

Me:  "Yeah, I'm really excited. Starting to also feel sick with "OH MY GOSH WHAT AM I DOING" but I think it wouldn't be an adventure if I weren't a little bit terrified."

Michal:  "Most people live their lives never being afraid of anything. Which means you never experience the thrill of doing something risky you know Jesus is beckoning you to do. Jesus is in Greece too.  Or, they are scared of everything and are petrified into doing nothing also. Either way, you can be scared. Scared, and stay, and regret, or be scared, get drinks with friends and cry and laugh and dream over things who will support you no matter where you go, cry on the plane if you need to and then go freaking do it and have awesome stories to tell your kids one day, meet equally brave people, help those who are hurting, and contribute to a story God is creating with other people. You will smile when you look at Jesus one day knowing you went with Him to Greece."

What a friend.  I love Michal.  She had better come visit me in Greece five million times.