Me: And I loved Tauriel and Kili.
David: Of course you did.
Me: I was expecting her to die with him, since she's not in Lord of the Rings. I thought it would be a tragic Romeo & Juliet thing. But she lived! And it was so much worse and so much better!
David: She has to live without him forever.
Me: Yeah.
David: Forever.
Me: Oh my gosh. You're right. *keening* This is so painful!!
David: She's like the opposite of Arwen.
Me: *gasp* Someone should write an essay about that!
David: I'll get right on that.
I don't think he's going to get right on that, so I will! Tauriel, the immortal elf who loved a mortal dwarf, and Arwen, the immortal elf who loved a mortal man. The first watched her love die and will have to live forever with that pain, while the second gave up her immortality and died with her love. Although Arwen's decision was given much weight throughout the LotR series, I can't help but think that Tauriel's love is the more tragic.
Arwen's choice to give up her immortality and live a mortal life alongside Aragorn was undercut by the overarching tragedy of the elves. They live forever, but in a broken world, this is not such a gift as it might seem. Some elves respond to this tragedy by isolation (Thranduil and the Mirkwood elves), while others jump into the affairs of men and suffer the consequences (Haldir in the movies). In between are those like Elrond and Galadriel who spend most of their time amongst their own people, but are willing to engage with the wars of men and dwarves if the need is great enough. No matter their worldview, the elves are consistently portrayed as beautiful tragedies, a relic of a time long gone. They are separate from everything around them, waiting for the end of their age when all elves journey on to Valinor.
With this backdrop, Arwen's decision feels almost smart. Choosing to live and die a mortal means becoming relevant. She can engage with the peoples around her and feel the increased joy and sorrow that accompanies experiences from a mortal vantage point. Eternity for elves is known, but the fate of men after death is less established. This is one of her risks, trusting in eternity even without the surety of elven faith. Far greater, however, is her separation from her people. As her father and friends leave Middle-earth, she alone lives on. Until she dies. But it seems to me that death is not so much the tragedy as is her goodbyes.
Then we have Tauriel, a new character added by Peter Jackson. I adore her, both for the general inclusion of a female presence in the male-dominated Hobbit story, and for her specific combination of warrior-lover. Kili the dwarf falls in love with her when she saves his life, and she falls in love with him when they discuss starlight and family traditions. Although they know each other an impossibly short amount of time, Tauriel feels his death deeply. So deeply that she finally comes to understand the coldness of Thranduil, who repressed his emotions so deeply in order to ignore the pain of losing his wife centuries ago.
And that's the thing. Losing someone you love means centuries of grief if you are an elf. As in Thranduil's case, this can still occur even between elf-elf reltionships. But Tauriel's love for a dwarf exacerbates this problem. Not only is she in love with a mortal, she is in love with a hot-headed dwarf who seeks the glory of battle and the honor of his homeland. A short time together, she now has an eternity to mourn him. No wonder she cries, "If this is love, I do not want it." Opening your heart to love means opening your heart to pain. For a human, but so much more for an elf.
So who has the greater tragedy? Arwen, who gave up immortality, or Tauriel, who must live forever with grief?
Clearly the answer is me, a obsessive fan who has chosen to carry both their burdens.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
So Much Joy
I've been walking on clouds the last couple days. So much of my "but I don't know details!" anxiety has disappeared, because, well, I know some details now!
I Skyped with Argyris on Monday, and I cannot overstate HOW IMPORTANT it is for me to see his (and Dina's) face. It is utterly bizarre trying to plan this massive life transition alone, half a world away from my fellow planners. He filled me in on some visa information, and most importantly, on my job!
I'm definitely going to be teaching classes for the women in the safe house, along with another teacher (as yet undecided). Classes run from 10-4, which is my DREAM SCHEDULE. I'll essentially be doing pscyhoeducation, and I am so excited. When I first started at DTS, I remember being super interested in psychoeducation (basically, this means teaching psychological and healthful skills), but getting sidetracked by traditional counseling where you don't so much lead and teach as walk beside and encourage.
Anyway, there will be morning and afternoon classes based on topics like anger management, self-esteem, co-dependency, finances, employment, parenting, and an optional Bible study. THIS IS SO AMAZING. I love these topics! I love how diverse the topics are! I want to teach these topics SO BAD and learn while I teach and talk about them all the time and oh my gosh. This is so completely perfect.
Plus, on Wednesday mornings I will lead the women in going through the 12 Steps. This originated with alcoholism, but it has since been used by all sorts of groups based on the premise "I need help from something bigger than me to overcome this issue." And the best part--on Wednesday afternoons, the leaders (including me!) will be participating in our own 12 Step program!! I'm so excited! I've wanted to find group counseling ever since my growth at DTS group, and here is one worked into my job! Agh, I can't wait!
Having a concrete picture of what I'll be doing has been so encouraging. On top of that, I have been supported by some really amazing men. At work, Tyler has been a 100% cheerleader for pursuing my passion and helping me realize abused and neglected women really is my passion. At Woodland, Joel has talked with me and worked with me in creating space for me to work with the church in raising support. At TFC, Mike has started opening doors for me finding support here in Dallas. And in Greece, Argyris is emailing me often, answering questions and just speaking such lovely prayers into my life (this last Skype he assured me he was praying that the awkward few months between graduation and moving would be meaningful for me).
Working with women who have been trafficked, it is easy for me to slip into "men are evil!" mentalities. I am SO GRATEFUL to have such wonderful godly men who see a passion and a purpose in my life and are going out of their ways to help me accomplish it. It really brightens my soul.
PLUS PLUS PLUS. We had a staff meeting at my counseling center, and I sat by this guy Jeremy. He is an intern as well, but he works a different day, so we've never talked before. I told him about moving to Athens to work with women fleeing sex trafficking, and he said, "I think I know who you're working for."
"Dina and Argyris Petrou!?"
"Yeah. At the Greek Bible College?"
"YES."
He went there with his wife TWICE in the last year. He lived in the school's apartments where I will likely be living! He met Dina and Argyris, and he heard them lecture on sex trafficking!! I am so blown away by this tiny world we live in, and I'm feeling extra encouraged by Jeremy's extreme excitement and love for their work.
I'M IN THIS. Sure, there will be more time for grieving the people and things I'm leaving. But right now I am full to the brim of JOY. I cannot wait! This is such an exciting adventure, and I can't help feeling like it is designed especially for me.
I Skyped with Argyris on Monday, and I cannot overstate HOW IMPORTANT it is for me to see his (and Dina's) face. It is utterly bizarre trying to plan this massive life transition alone, half a world away from my fellow planners. He filled me in on some visa information, and most importantly, on my job!
I'm definitely going to be teaching classes for the women in the safe house, along with another teacher (as yet undecided). Classes run from 10-4, which is my DREAM SCHEDULE. I'll essentially be doing pscyhoeducation, and I am so excited. When I first started at DTS, I remember being super interested in psychoeducation (basically, this means teaching psychological and healthful skills), but getting sidetracked by traditional counseling where you don't so much lead and teach as walk beside and encourage.
Anyway, there will be morning and afternoon classes based on topics like anger management, self-esteem, co-dependency, finances, employment, parenting, and an optional Bible study. THIS IS SO AMAZING. I love these topics! I love how diverse the topics are! I want to teach these topics SO BAD and learn while I teach and talk about them all the time and oh my gosh. This is so completely perfect.
Plus, on Wednesday mornings I will lead the women in going through the 12 Steps. This originated with alcoholism, but it has since been used by all sorts of groups based on the premise "I need help from something bigger than me to overcome this issue." And the best part--on Wednesday afternoons, the leaders (including me!) will be participating in our own 12 Step program!! I'm so excited! I've wanted to find group counseling ever since my growth at DTS group, and here is one worked into my job! Agh, I can't wait!
Having a concrete picture of what I'll be doing has been so encouraging. On top of that, I have been supported by some really amazing men. At work, Tyler has been a 100% cheerleader for pursuing my passion and helping me realize abused and neglected women really is my passion. At Woodland, Joel has talked with me and worked with me in creating space for me to work with the church in raising support. At TFC, Mike has started opening doors for me finding support here in Dallas. And in Greece, Argyris is emailing me often, answering questions and just speaking such lovely prayers into my life (this last Skype he assured me he was praying that the awkward few months between graduation and moving would be meaningful for me).
Working with women who have been trafficked, it is easy for me to slip into "men are evil!" mentalities. I am SO GRATEFUL to have such wonderful godly men who see a passion and a purpose in my life and are going out of their ways to help me accomplish it. It really brightens my soul.
PLUS PLUS PLUS. We had a staff meeting at my counseling center, and I sat by this guy Jeremy. He is an intern as well, but he works a different day, so we've never talked before. I told him about moving to Athens to work with women fleeing sex trafficking, and he said, "I think I know who you're working for."
"Dina and Argyris Petrou!?"
"Yeah. At the Greek Bible College?"
"YES."
He went there with his wife TWICE in the last year. He lived in the school's apartments where I will likely be living! He met Dina and Argyris, and he heard them lecture on sex trafficking!! I am so blown away by this tiny world we live in, and I'm feeling extra encouraged by Jeremy's extreme excitement and love for their work.
I'M IN THIS. Sure, there will be more time for grieving the people and things I'm leaving. But right now I am full to the brim of JOY. I cannot wait! This is such an exciting adventure, and I can't help feeling like it is designed especially for me.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Waiting in Advent
During Thanksgiving break, I played Dragon Age II for at least five hours every day. Pretty quickly I realized I was escaping my anxiety by completing fictional quests, and I was grateful for the reprieve. But now life has started back up, and I have to face the unbearable unknowability of the future.
It seems like I might not go to Greece until late 2015 or early 2016. This throws my schedule off, as that means I will have to think through lease renewals and jobs. It seems like fundraising is going to be extremely complicated and scary. It seems like this whole adventure is overwhelming.
I tend to be a quitter. If I don't think I can do something, I bow out and find something else. So it was encouraging to realize that I don't want to quit Greece. Although I am scared, there is no part of me that feels okay with saying, "well, screw this, back to the original plan." I am 100% convinced that this is my best next step. But still, I worry.
I talked to my friend Michal yesterday about our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico. When she asked if I wanted to celebrate her birthday in the Caribbean, I immediately said yes. Within 24 hours I had 1) booked flights, 2) reserved a hotel, and 3) scheduled a kayaking trip. I threw it all back to her, and she stuttered an agreement, with the unspoken, "I just suggested this," very much evident.
That's what is frustrating about Greece. When I decide something, I want to immediately work toward accomplishing it. The fact that I cannot do so in this experience is driving me crazy. There is so little I can control.
Which is why it's perfect that I am struggling with this during the Advent season.
Mallory and I have been texting each other Advent-themed prayers and book passages the last couple days. I love the Christmas season because it's all about waiting, about expecting something good in the midst of a lack. Easter is a lovely celebration of what has been accomplished and what will be accomplished, but Christmas is the time when we slog through the in between. We are declared holy, but we are not yet holy. We are saved, and we are being saved. We are sinners and saints. We are in the in between.
Advent says, "Wait! This dark world will soon be bursting with light! Just wait, just hold on and wait. It feels impossible, it feels uncomfortable, it feels agonizing, but it will be worth it." Advent is a reminder that we are not in control, that no matter how much I wish I could speed up the calendar, December 25th will come at its own pace, and not mine.
So even though I desperately want to book a flight, know all the details, and make accommodations, Advent is reminding me to wait. To let God lead, to let God be in control, to trust God.
Lean into the longing.
It seems like I might not go to Greece until late 2015 or early 2016. This throws my schedule off, as that means I will have to think through lease renewals and jobs. It seems like fundraising is going to be extremely complicated and scary. It seems like this whole adventure is overwhelming.
I tend to be a quitter. If I don't think I can do something, I bow out and find something else. So it was encouraging to realize that I don't want to quit Greece. Although I am scared, there is no part of me that feels okay with saying, "well, screw this, back to the original plan." I am 100% convinced that this is my best next step. But still, I worry.
I talked to my friend Michal yesterday about our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico. When she asked if I wanted to celebrate her birthday in the Caribbean, I immediately said yes. Within 24 hours I had 1) booked flights, 2) reserved a hotel, and 3) scheduled a kayaking trip. I threw it all back to her, and she stuttered an agreement, with the unspoken, "I just suggested this," very much evident.
That's what is frustrating about Greece. When I decide something, I want to immediately work toward accomplishing it. The fact that I cannot do so in this experience is driving me crazy. There is so little I can control.
Which is why it's perfect that I am struggling with this during the Advent season.
Mallory and I have been texting each other Advent-themed prayers and book passages the last couple days. I love the Christmas season because it's all about waiting, about expecting something good in the midst of a lack. Easter is a lovely celebration of what has been accomplished and what will be accomplished, but Christmas is the time when we slog through the in between. We are declared holy, but we are not yet holy. We are saved, and we are being saved. We are sinners and saints. We are in the in between.
Advent says, "Wait! This dark world will soon be bursting with light! Just wait, just hold on and wait. It feels impossible, it feels uncomfortable, it feels agonizing, but it will be worth it." Advent is a reminder that we are not in control, that no matter how much I wish I could speed up the calendar, December 25th will come at its own pace, and not mine.
So even though I desperately want to book a flight, know all the details, and make accommodations, Advent is reminding me to wait. To let God lead, to let God be in control, to trust God.
Lean into the longing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)