Life Update

I went back and read some posts from this summer.  Oh man, what an emotionally tumultuous time.  I was so worried about life and my future, and what kind of job I should get, and whether I should just leave America once and for all, and all sorts of other things.

I haven't really addressed my life in this blog lately.  This will be my catch-up.

Jobs.  I guess the first thing that is cool to see is that God did drop a job in my lap.  I stopped the Samaritan's Purse and Journeyman applications because they were my choice, and I wanted God to make the choice for me.  All the other big decisions in my life have just sort of happened, in this way where it looks like happy circumstance but really (I believe) is God working behind the veil.  It's nice to know that happened again.  In an economy where so many people are looking for jobs, I can only glorify God for this:

Mom:  The Dunlap library needs a children's librarian.
Me:  *email*
Me:  *call*  Did you get my email?
Boss:  Nope.  Do you want to interview?
Me:  *interview*
Boss:  You're hired!

So easy.  I did nothing but just show up.  I don't know exactly why God put me in the library, but there are many possibilities.  1)  I am making money, which is useful for giving to missionaries and charities and also for funding my own missionary endeavors!  2)  I am learning to deal with kids.  3)  I am learning new skills and becoming a leader.  4)  I am given the opportunity to talk to coworkers about my faith, which is something I am not comfortable doing.  5)  I am learning to see and think about the line between boldness and political correctness.

I think the biggest thing I've learned over the past couple months is patience.  During the first couple weeks at Bible study, Rose Fitzgerald constantly interrupted me and said, "Wait!  Just wait!"  It was very annoying, but now I realize she was right.  The process of God getting my heart right and prepared for the next big step will take time.  I've been shown examples of many awesome people who waited years for their spiritual goal to be possible.

And I'm okay with that.  I like it here in Peoria.  I'm a little scared to leave, actually, now that I'm reintegrated into my awesome church family.  I will, though.  I trust God with that.  And I know that God is using me in Peoria.  I know that I am an example at Woodland, that it's scary how many people look at me and my life.  I know that there are many ways I can serve God outside of Woodland's walls, and I am excited to see where those take me.

I'm learning to like Americans.  I'm trying not to get fed up and angry all the time.  I'm trying to beat the culture out of my head while living within it.  God is helping me with that, all Romans 12:2 style.  I'm being sanctified.  I can tell, which is encouraging.  I can also see what parts of my personality and sinfulness will be fixed in the future.

And that's the best part, I guess.  I'm seeing my life as a story, as a journey that will take a lifetime to finish.  I see the progress God has made in my life, and I see the work He will do in the future.  It's all very hope-producing, and hope is pretty much one of the most awesome parts of being a Christian.

Reclaiming Unicorns for Virgins

There's a book I want to read called Zombies vs. Unicorns, in which popular YA authors take sides and write short stories about whichever creature they find more awesome.  I haven't read the book, but I did read a review that got all excited about something strange.  The reviewer thought it was awesome that most of the unicorn stories broke from the "unicorns only trust/like virgins" trope. 

The reviewer even gleefully put forth one girl who is "definitely not a virgin" (what does that even mean?  the story is about her having sex?  she goes around remembering all her sexual exploits?) and her awesome relationship with a unicorn as society advancing and getting rid of sexual taboos and whatnot.

But you know what?  I'm a little offended.  I'm a virgin, and there is very little in my culture that affirms my life choice.  If someone wants to have sex, then there are crowds of people and loads of media who will cheer them on.  But decide to wait until marriage?  Then people look at you weird, and the media mostly doesn't realize people like me still exist.

Through all of which I mean to say, leave me my unicorns!  It's pretty difficult to stay a virgin and to be proud of it.  Is it so much to ask for a mythical creature mascot?

I'm not even arguing morals.  I just want someone (or something) on team virgin.  And a shiny horse with a horn that can impale enemies or maybe fart rainbows?  Yeah, I want that on my side.

On a related note, if unicorns and virginity are intertwined, what will happen to my unicorn hair when I eventually have sex?  Inquiring minds want to know, Dr. Hughes.

Perspective

I have been back in the United States for five months. 

In those five months, I have been in a wedding in Peoria, gone to Pennsylvania on a mission trip, kept going to New York City for the first time in my life, and headed a bit further to Virginia for a family vacation.  I have gone to Memphis to be in another wedding, then vacationed my way down to Georgia.  I have become a Sunday School teacher and a Bible study leader.  I have gotten my first adult job as a children's librarian.  I have remade friendships and refound my love for creating music.

Five months is a long time.

I lived in Senegal for five months.

Five months is a long time.

No wonder I'm going around greeting people like a crazy person.  "Hello!  Lovely wind, no?  Guess what!  I'm going to Senegal in one week and one day!  Would you like to see pictures I just printed off?  No?  Here they are anyway!  And by the way, I'm going to Senegal in one week and one day less three minutes!"

I.  Cannot.  Wait. 

Emotionally Scatterbrained

In ten days, I'm going home!  My feelings about returning to Senegal are mixed, but the overwhelming emotion is extreme joy.  I cannot wait to reach through the gate and unlatch the lock, walk through the sand, stare down a lizard or two, and wait for Liz to unlock the front door.  I can't wait to tuck mosquito netting around my bed, to wake up and drink French press coffee and cappuccino muffins while discussing the Bible and what God is teaching me.  I can't wait to rearrange my ponya so I can climb on the back of Liz's moto and round the curve by the Ndours compound, then go through the intersection, take a left, speed up and grin into the wind, then pull into the sand in front of the Forsythe's house.  I can't wait to collapse on the Forsythe's couch, to pull Melody and Ethan into cuddling me, to talk to Nate about computer games, to watch Kim explode in happiness to be around so many women her age, to watch Travis slink out of the room and then maybe come back to kick everyone's butt at cards.

But I'm also more than a little nervous.  Because what I'm imagining is a return to the past, and things have changed since I left Fatick.  Holly is no longer there, and she was so often the voice of sanity amongst a bunch of crazies.  Mallory is there, and I adore her dancing skills (and her dog), but in my head she belongs in Dara and Dakar, so it will be weird to see her in Fatick.  I'm sure the opposite is true for her of me.  And there are four new Hands On girls, and I'm struggling with the idea of  liking them, when mostly I am just raging with insecurity.  I'm sure they are better French speakers, better missionaries, more hilarious, more child-friendly, braver, more outgoing, and generally more awesome than me.

Which shouldn't matter.  I taught the kiddos in Sunday School yesterday that we shouldn't think too highly or too lowly of ourselves.  Instead we need to be confident in who God made us, finding our identity and our worth in Him.  Which is all well and good to talk about, but much harder to put into practice.

But really, I think I will love the new girls.  And I will love Mallory being a part of my Fatick world.  And I will love showing the other Woodland women where I lived for five months.  I will love seeing the friends I made and eating Senegalese food.  And I really really am looking forward to hearing people call me Siga.  I miss being Siga.

So what I'm mostly worried about is coming home.  I don't think I'll want to.  I changed so much in Senegal.  I gained a buttload of confidence.  I learned to adapt, I learned to cook, I learned to focus on God and serving Him amongst a people who don't know Him.  I made some truly awesome friends and confidants.  I had adventures and I made stories.

Senegal was one of the most exciting, awesome times of my life.  I've started getting used to America these past couple months, but I think returning to Senegal will throw a wrench in that.  Which I probably need.  I don't want to stay in America forever.  I don't want to get comfortable in my privileged white middle class world.

I hope that God will inspire me and talk to me in Senegal.  Usually I listen to Him better when I'm out of my comfort zone.  I hope that when I come back to America I won't sink into depression.  I hope this will lift me up and encourage me to live a better present instead of wanting to wallow around in the past.

Attack of Materialism

I've been trying very hard not to spend any money on myself (with exceptions for food, medicine, etc).  Not to save the money, necessarily.  I'm trying to give it away.  I have learned that you need to be careful when you tell God you want to learn to trust Him with your money, because He will give you lots and lots of opportunities to give it to friends and missionaries and organizations.

Anyway, it hasn't been too hard.  Most of my battles have been, "I need khakis.  But...I have three pairs of dress pants.  I don't really need another.  C'mon dress pants, fall to pieces so I can buy something new!"  And maybe, "I need new solid colored t-shirts.  These all have pit stains.  But...I guess I can just not raise my arms."

Then last night, a friend at church told me about her new Nook, and all the awesome things she can do with it. 

I was overcome.  I immediately got online and saw that they are only $150.  I decided to price compare, so I looked at Kindles and then that led me to iPads.  Oh man.  Price jump to $500.  But iPads are so freaking cool.  And then I thought about how my computer battery is dead, and would it really be so bad to preemptively get a new MacBook?  Surely my computer will completely die soon.  Better to be prepared, right?  A new computer is, of course, $1,000.

Ridiculous.  In half an hour I went from a Biblical financial lifestyle to completely overcome by American materialism.  I did back away from the computer, but I almost bought the Nook.  Because I travel.  And it would be handy.  And you can get all the classics for free!  And then I remembered that I work in a library.  Where everything is free. 

But it was still really hard not to buy the Nook.  And I still want new shirts.  And I want season one of Community.

I'm still so materialistic.

Conversations with Senegal

Lamba is sleeping over at Liz's house (in Fatick), so they called me while I was in handbells.  I called them back, and oh my word now I am so excited to get back to Senegal.  Here are some snippets of our conversation, because it made me laugh, and hopefully joy is contagious.

Lamba:  Tree-cee-a, are you ready Freddy?
Me:  ...?
Lamba:  Are you coming to the gun show, Tree-cee-a?
Me:  Where are you learning these things?  Did you do this, Liz?
Liz:  I would never!
Lamba:  I have a bone to pick with you, Tree-cee-a.
Me:  Okay, Lamba, we'll pick some bones.
Lamba:  Yes, we will pick a bone.

Lamba:  Did you buy me jelly beans?
Liz:  I still don't know how you heard about jelly beans, Lamba...
Me:  I just bought you some yesterday!  What will you give me?
Lamba:  What do you want?
Me:  Poulet yassa.  Every night.
Lamba:  Every night!?
Me:  Yes.  One jelly bean for one meal of chicken yassa.
Lamba:  One!  No.  Five jelly beans for...
Liz:  No no no!  Lamba, that's not a good deal.

Lamba:  You sound different, Tree-cee-a.
Me:  What?  How?
Lamba:  You sound American.
Liz:  Your voice is covered in it!
Me:  What!?  Salaam Malekum.
Lamba and Liz:  Malekum salaam!
Me:  Magifeerec.
Lamba and Liz:  BAHAHAHAHAHA.
Me:  .....What did I say?
Liz:  You just said, "Hi!  I'm fine."

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready to go back!  I think it will be impossible to leave.  Maybe I can just stay for five more months?

I Am Pro-Life

If you don't want to read a fairly vitriolic opinion of war, and the role Christians should or should not play in it, then....don't read below the link.

J. I. Packer says it best

One of the reasons I love reading multiple books at the same time is that they inevitably teach me the exact same lessons, and I can only assume that God is hitting me over the head.  While I absolutely love Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution, it's rather passionate, and some people might not like his slightly sarcastic tone.  But then I'm also reading J. I. Packer's Knowing God (which is like Tozer's Knowledge of the Holy, but on crack).  And Packer is firmly intellectual, presenting things as uncontested facts.  So I thought I would quote him, because he's hard to argue with.

"You are called to go through this world as a pilgrim, a mere temporary resident, traveling light, and willing, as Christ directs, to do what the rich young ruler refused to do: give up material wealth and the security it provides and live in a way that involves you in poverty and loss of possessions.  Having your treasure in heaven, you are not to budget for treasure on earth, nor for a high standard of living--you may well be required to forego both...

Your eyes must be open to see others' needs, both spiritual and material; your heart must be ready to care for needy souls when you find them; your mind must be alert to plan out the best way to help them; and your will must be set against the trick that we are all so good at--'passing the buck'...

None of this, of course, is strange to any of us.  We know what kind of life Christ calls us to; we often preach and talk to each other about it.  But do we live it?  Well, look at the churches.  Observe the shortage of ministers and missionaries, especially men; the luxury goods in Christian homes; the readiness of Christians in all walks of life to grumble about their salaries; the lack of concern for the old and lonely and for anyone outside the circle of 'sound believers.'"

Thinking Thoughts Again

I am currently reading a truly awesome book called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.  I could probably write twenty posts about the things I am learning from it, but right now my passion is mostly very obnoxious, so I only expose my mom to my rants.

But one thing I have been coming back to lately is singleness.  In the book, Shane talks about people asking him why he is still single, and is he either a homosexual or a priest?  How sad that we are so unaccustomed to single people.  I can testify to that, because already the women of my church are scheming to get me hitched.  Apparently there is an attractive guy in the Internationals class (I've seen him, and he's very small), and two women said what he really needed was for me to speak English with him.  Really?  Me?  No one else speaks English?  And of course, I asked if he was a Christian, and they said, well, he seems nice.

I can only assume that at 22, it has become pathetic for me to be single.

Shane talks about how looking back through Christianity's past, many of the most influential Christ followers were single, were married fully to Jesus.  He says their lives would have looked different (not bad, just different) had they been married.  And he quotes Matthew 19: 12, in which Jesus says, "For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven.  The one who can accept this should accept it."

I want that kind of passion.  I have recently admitted that duh, of course I want to be loved, to dedicate my life to someone and to have them build me up and protect me and encourage me.  ...And that is exactly what I already have.  Why am I looking elsewhere when Jesus is already my husband?  How must He feel when I am looking for someone else to fulfill my needs?

What it comes down to is this:  Marriage can be a great thing.  Two can always accomplish more than one, and if God sends me someone who is passionate about changing the world for the better in the same ways that I am, then I would consider marriage. 

But that's the thing.  I will not change my relationship with God to fit into a relationship with a mere man.  I cannot imagine the horror that would come from covenanting my life to another person, then finding out that they are pulling me away from what I think God wants me to do. 

So I am renewed in my desire to live fully, to spend my singleness to the greatest possible degree, traveling freely and spending my time freely, unconstrained by anyone's rules or timetables but God's.  And that is awesome.  If I can grow up to be like Mother Teresa, then um, check!  Life: success.  And she didn't have a husband.  She had God, and He was all she needed, or wanted.

Osmosify Me!

There are times in my life when I don't think God is talking to me, and if He is, then I'm not listening.  There are other times when I feel like God is run-on-sentencing me, and I cannot keep up with all the awesome things I am learning.  This is one of those times, and I worry that I will not be able to fully embrace and understand and put into practice all the ideas and realizations He puts in my head.

But I've felt this way before.  And I know I am more spiritually mature than I was one year ago or especially three years ago.  So I guess it works.

I trust that somehow, it will sink in.

Glee and God

Hello, pop culture.

I was a little skeptical when I found out that one of my favorite TV shows was going to have an episode all about God, because the things I love about Glee are its snark and sarcasm.  I didn't think I could handle an episode in which God was mercilessly mocked.

But oh my word I loved it.  It in no way validated Christianity, but it presented different views of spirituality in such beautiful honesty that I think it will get people talking and sharing their own beliefs.

I mean, whatever.  So the God-centrism kicked off because Finn saw Jesus on his grilled cheese sandwich and proceeded to pray to win football games and get to second base with his girlfriend.  But that was not supposed to be deep. 

What got me was Kurt's pain, the going through life and the fear of death without a belief in God to comfort you.  And I loved that Quinn quietly acknowledged that her relationship with God is what got her through her horrible life last season.  And I loved Mercedes consistently and lovingly wooing Kurt toward the possibility of God, without anger or condescension or defensiveness.

Of course it wasn't perfect.  Whenever pop culture tries to address God, and more specifically, who Christianity tells us He is, I find that they usually start from the wrong angle.  This show was all about what we get from God.  But what really matters is who God is, and that is all.  What we want from God is so not at stake.  God is God, and we just fit into that picture.

Even so, I thought it was a touching hour of television, and I hope that Christians will engage in entertainment like this and use it to talk to others about their faith instead of blindly shutting out everything that isn't perfect.

In related news, I just read an article about how J.K. Rowling talked about being a Christian and said she thought the Christian messages in her books were "obvious."  Love.

Dream Changer

Our whole church is going through a study called r12, which is a marketing way of saying Romans 12.  I think it will be pretty awesome, and I'm excited to be a Sunday School teacher, because I get to experience the material even though I can't go to one of the in-home studies.

Anyway, one of the questions we were supposed to discuss was "How have your dreams about the future changed since you were a kid?" with the purpose of then discussing what God might be dreaming for our lives.  And oh my word, have my dreams done a 180 or what?  In some places, my heart is still catching up with my head and my spirit, but still, the changes are happening.

All the way through high school, I had a very concrete picture of what my life would be.  I would find a perfect man in college, and we would get married.  I would have kids, and while my husband went off to work, I would stay home to be the perfect housewife.  In my free time, I would write and eventually become a published author.

I thought this was a godly way to live my life.  I thought this was THE godly way to live my life.  And no doubt it is what God calls some people to do.  But apparently not me!  And honestly, thank goodness, because now the idea of living like that makes my skin crawl.

It's crazy how much God has changed me in the last couple years, and so sneakily!  Do I still want to get married?  Yes.  But there is no great hurry, not when I get over my self-pity.  But everything else....is so completely different.  And I love it, because I just feel that everything I flippantly assert about myself, God rolls his eyes and says, "Little does she know..."

For instance.  Growing up, there were two things I adamantly and loudly declared about myself.

1.  I do not like kids!

(Clarification because people tend not to like my bold statements without disclaimers.  I don't like kids in that when I see a kid, I don't get that melty insides thing that so many girls tend to get.  If a kid is awesome, I will want to be around that kid.  If a kid is annoying, I will avoid that kid.  To me, kids are people, and they earn no special treatment just for being young.  And don't get me started on babies.  Sure, they're cuddly, but they're boring.  Give me a kid with a personality, and then we'll talk.)

2.  I will absolutely never ever be a teacher!

Honestly, my insides still jump to support those claims.  And then I look at my life and say, oh.

I got back from Senegal, and what does God do?  He throws a job in my lap which involves interacting and performing for kids on a daily basis.  And He throws church jobs at me too--being a Sunday School teacher, and a Bible study teacher, and a missions teacher.  Oh, what?  Everything I do involves either kids or being a teacher.

When did this happen?  When did I become okay with it?

And what is super exciting is that I think God is preparing me for something awesome in my future.  Something I am growing into.  Something I could not have imagined myself doing when I was a kid.  Which is awesome.

Mail Order Friend

I really want to see the new Facebook movie.  Its theatrical trailer is one of only two that I've ever seen that knocked my socks off, if you don't count books-turned-to-movies which predispose my socks to being knocked off, and I'm not.  However, the first time a movie trailer blew me away, the actual movie ended with a guy cutting off his penis after being accused of pedophilia.  So.  Maybe my movie trailer radar isn't so good.

The thing is, I have no friends.  This is the one thing I'm not really loving about Peoria.  There are tons of people here that I love, but when it comes to hanging out, I'm at a loss.  When I think of something awesome to do, I literally have no idea who to ask to join me.  Everyone is either in school, doing homework, or relating to their spouse or children.  Where are the young single people!?  Not in Peoria.

Except there is one, and she is from Mongolia.  Ghani is here as an interpreter for the Samaritan's Heart project, and when the Paulis asked for someone to hang out with Ghani, it is sad how quickly I jumped at the chance to have a friend my age.

And she is awesome!  Dang, that sounds conceited, because my followup thought is this:  She is just like me!  But it is cool, because we were raised on opposite sides of the world, but we are so similar.  We like the same music.  We choose Jacob over Edward.  We have the same no-nonsense attitude toward romance. And that is wonderful, because I've been losing my edge there, what with everyone that I know being married or dating and me being alone.  It is SO NICE to be validated, to be admired for being single.  So often I feel like a social reject, but at least Ghani is proud of me.

And we both are passionate about wanting to serve God.  Obviously, she is succeeding in that very well, and seeing her encourages me.  She is so in tune with God, and so devoted to following His law, because she truly believes it will bring her the greatest joy.  She is who I want to be.

Still, it's a little annoying, because even though we have the same values and we look at the world through the same lens, she is dating a boy (even though he tricked her into it, and she hates kissing....oh how much I love her) and she has a best friend of thirteen years.  The two things I want most from life. 

Regardless, it was super awesome fun to play piano duets.