In ten days, I'm going home! My feelings about returning to Senegal are mixed, but the overwhelming emotion is extreme joy. I cannot wait to reach through the gate and unlatch the lock, walk through the sand, stare down a lizard or two, and wait for Liz to unlock the front door. I can't wait to tuck mosquito netting around my bed, to wake up and drink French press coffee and cappuccino muffins while discussing the Bible and what God is teaching me. I can't wait to rearrange my ponya so I can climb on the back of Liz's moto and round the curve by the Ndours compound, then go through the intersection, take a left, speed up and grin into the wind, then pull into the sand in front of the Forsythe's house. I can't wait to collapse on the Forsythe's couch, to pull Melody and Ethan into cuddling me, to talk to Nate about computer games, to watch Kim explode in happiness to be around so many women her age, to watch Travis slink out of the room and then maybe come back to kick everyone's butt at cards.
But I'm also more than a little nervous. Because what I'm imagining is a return to the past, and things have changed since I left Fatick. Holly is no longer there, and she was so often the voice of sanity amongst a bunch of crazies. Mallory is there, and I adore her dancing skills (and her dog), but in my head she belongs in Dara and Dakar, so it will be weird to see her in Fatick. I'm sure the opposite is true for her of me. And there are four new Hands On girls, and I'm struggling with the idea of liking them, when mostly I am just raging with insecurity. I'm sure they are better French speakers, better missionaries, more hilarious, more child-friendly, braver, more outgoing, and generally more awesome than me.
Which shouldn't matter. I taught the kiddos in Sunday School yesterday that we shouldn't think too highly or too lowly of ourselves. Instead we need to be confident in who God made us, finding our identity and our worth in Him. Which is all well and good to talk about, but much harder to put into practice.
But really, I think I will love the new girls. And I will love Mallory being a part of my Fatick world. And I will love showing the other Woodland women where I lived for five months. I will love seeing the friends I made and eating Senegalese food. And I really really am looking forward to hearing people call me Siga. I miss being Siga.
So what I'm mostly worried about is coming home. I don't think I'll want to. I changed so much in Senegal. I gained a buttload of confidence. I learned to adapt, I learned to cook, I learned to focus on God and serving Him amongst a people who don't know Him. I made some truly awesome friends and confidants. I had adventures and I made stories.
Senegal was one of the most exciting, awesome times of my life. I've started getting used to America these past couple months, but I think returning to Senegal will throw a wrench in that. Which I probably need. I don't want to stay in America forever. I don't want to get comfortable in my privileged white middle class world.
I hope that God will inspire me and talk to me in Senegal. Usually I listen to Him better when I'm out of my comfort zone. I hope that when I come back to America I won't sink into depression. I hope this will lift me up and encourage me to live a better present instead of wanting to wallow around in the past.
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