The End (for awhile at least)

Yeah, I'm done with this blog.  I don't like the illusion of intimacy that it creates.  I'd rather have actual friends in real life to tell all this stuff to.  If that changes and I feel relationally fulfilled in real life, maybe I won't care so much and I'll write again.  Or maybe I'll be too busy having an awesome real life time to write anything.  We'll see!

First Day

I've not been feeling much like blogging lately, but I have this compulsion, like I'm obligated to consistently update.  How did that happen?  I suppose blogging almost daily for five years has something to do with it.

Anyway, today was my first day working at the library.  I was only there for three hours, and while it was by no means bad, first days are just not awesome.  I had a load of information dumped in my brain, and I felt the beginnings of responsibility, which was alarming since I doubted my ability to remember lessons from an hour before.

After introducing me to everyone there, Boss told me I could get a DVD buffed by a particular worker.  "Oh, is she coming in today?" I asked.  "...She's sitting right next to you."  Fail.

I am obsessed with the music from the Very Potter Sequel. This obsession was only encouraged when I got home from the library and saw that my mom had left me a congratulatory card (my family is awesome, it's true) and a package of Red Vines.  I've never had them before, but I freaked out when I saw them at Walmart the other day.  That's because VPS reimagines the beginning of Ron and Harry's friendship as bonding over Red Vines ("favorite vines that aren't green?"  "red vines!"  "favorite way to say "red wines" in a German accent?"  "red vines!").  Turns out they are pretty good.

Hardest Thing in the World

Last week I spent the night with Stephanie's grandma, who just lost her husband a couple weeks before.  Then today I saw Inception and Up, both movies that deal with moving on after the death of a spouse.

I can't imagine anything more difficult.  It makes me want to never get married, or it solidifies my preference for marrying someone younger than me.

Ugh.  Death sucks this side of heaven.

Destination: Peoria

I am back in Peoria!  I have thoroughly enjoyed my vacations and getting to see all my darling friends.  But I'm very ready to be in one place for a sizable amount of time.  (My mom pointed out that I'm actually only going to be in Peoria for three months before I go back to Senegal for a couple weeks...is it sad that three months seems like a long time?)

However, I did get a little freaked out about staying in Peoria for an indeterminate amount of time.  I haven't been in Peoria for more than three weeks since December 2008.  And I haven't been in Peoria for more than six weeks since August 2007.  But mostly I think it will be okay.  I visited the Monahans on my way home, and even though Wendy called me a pedophile, I think I will always be happy in Peoria if there are Monahans residing in the city limits.

The drive today was surprisingly awesome.  I talked to Roy for the first time since...a skype conversation in Senegal?  It's been a long time.  And he told me I won a free colonoscopy!  Because apparently he had something pre-cancerous in his intestines, so yay for genetics.  I'm hoping it'll not happen, because I would rather avoid current discomforts than prevent future diseases.  But probably it will.  Also we had one of our awesome but draining conversations where we agree on everything socially and feministically and culturally....but from totally different worldviews.

Also, I listened to the Very Potter Sequel songs over and over and over.  Words just can't describe how awesome a song that screams "I'm Harry freaking Potter" is.  And a song where Lucius Malfoy and Snape sing about how douchebags always get the girls got the most listens from me because seriously, how can that be beat?  I have so much love for those college grads from Michigan University and their willingness to create two 3-hour musicals dedicated to loving and spoofing HP.  (They even got mentioned in Entertainment Weekly's Top 10 list!)

Followup with Optimism

I guess I wasn't exactly clear or objective in my last post.  I hope that can be forgiven, since I was in the middle of a mild emotional breakdown.  Now that I've put my emotions back together, I have new thoughts.

What my discontent really boils down to is that I am not happy with what God is teaching me.  When He takes me overseas and tells me about new people and new needs, I am joyously happy to soak it all in and jump on that bandwagon.  I am all about having a heart for 95% of the world (the non-US part).

But now God is working at making me complete, about sharing God's heart for the whole world, which includes my country, the country that messed me up and gave me freedoms and constantly talks inside my head.  Countries are like families.  They're a mix of good and bad, but no matter what, you're stuck with what they teach you.

And it's all very silly, really.  Back when I met Lauren, I prayed that God would enable me to be a mentor.  I feel like my entire Christian life has been one big sucking experience, a word which I'm using to mean "taking" and not "awful."  I want to give back.  The Great Commission says to go out and make disciples.  I want to make disciples.  God has given me several opportunities to do so.

So once I stop being selfish and whiny, I think I will realize that God is smart and has put me here for awesome reasons.  I can even think of several!

1.  I'm with my Woodland family again.  Nothing makes me happier.  And I really mean nothing.  I was more exited to be a part of Woodland again than I was to see the LOST finale.  I might be acting a little facetious.

2.  I am making money, which can be put toward many adventures and missions and mission adventures in the future!

3.  I am within ten minutes to seven hours of my closest friends, which is far better than a thousand dollar plane trip away.

4.  I am going to be a part of a multi-age Bible study!  I've wanted to do that for years.  And in a funny twist like God does, I am leading that.

*story:  The first week I was back, I was at the Monahans, sharing all my ideas and desires for Woodland.  The multi-age Bible study was one of them.  As I was complaining about the lack of such a thing, Wendy shrugged and said kind of aggressively, "Why don't you just lead it?"  I scoffed and avoided the subject, and now here I am!*

5.  I get to work at a library!  That has always been a dream of mine.  Roy was a librarian for awhile, and then Mom got in on the dream-stealing action, but finally it is my turn!  Of course, this is also with a God-twist, because I'm going to be working mostly with children.  I'm okay with that, but the irony is best summed up with another

*story:  When the women at the library ask my mom about me, saying, "Tricia's the new youth librarian?  She must love kids!"  My mom has to pause then say, "Well.  She loves books!  And she is excited to get kids to love books too."*

Okay, anyway, there are many good things in my life right now.  I'm just an imperfect person, and while I made progress on trusting God with the big things in my life, I have not yet learned to trust God with the little things.

Understanding Myself as I Don't Understand God

I think I am becoming a pessimist.  Lately I automatically jump to the bad in things, which is annoying, because I've never enjoyed being around pessimistic people, and I don't want people to dread being around me.

Because I am a psychology lover, I naturally tried to figure out what it was that was causing me to be this way.  What I came up with is this:  I am dissatisfied with my life, and I feel like I am wasting it.

That is a ridiculous thought, because of these four reasons:

1.  I am starting a real job at a library on Monday until forever.
2.  I am teaching a missions segment to kids on Wednesday night.
3.  I am teaching junior high Sunday School.
4.  I am leading a woman's Bible study that starts in a couple weeks.

These are all excellent things!  The last three are things that I know God wants me to do and, in fact, arranged for me.  So why do I feel so wrong?

Partly it is because I'm living with my parents.  So much of my life is starting to look like adulthood, but here I am, living in the house I grew up in with the parents who raised me.  Yes, it makes financial sense.  Yes, I get along with my parents great.  Yes, I think that developing my relationship with my dad is something else God has given me to work on.

But culture is eating at my soul, telling me I'm pathetic and immature and unworthy.

That isn't the main issue, though.  Because honestly, if I got my own place, I might end up complacent.  I might work at the library for decades, or get some other normal life job, and I might start to think that staying in Peoria for the rest of my life is a viable option.

And that is the real core of the discontent in my spirit.  Why am I not overseas?  God gave me a heart for international missions.  In a year and a half, He took me from an attitude of "I love short term missions but have no desire for anything more" to "Two weeks?  That is nothing!  I need to live in new places and live dramatically and radically trust God for my survival and sanity."

That is nothing short of a miracle.

I feel a little betrayed.  Didn't know that I did until I just wrote it, but there it is.  I feel like God changed me and gave me this great passion, and then yanked it away.  I feel like He enticed me with glittery foreign countries and a sparkly missionary future, and then He said "Ha ha.  But really, instead you are going to live in the United States, and I'm going to make you care about local missions, and you're going to get a normal job, and you're going to have to give up on international missions for awhile."

But what if that "awhile" turns into forever?  I have a horrible habit of forgetting how much I love international missions.  What if I lose it?  What if I never live overseas again?  What if I totally misread what God was doing in my life?  What if I am misreading it now?

I don't understand how people navigate life without exploding or imploding.  I could probably go either way, right now.

Idealism

I just watched The Last Station, which is about the end of Leo Tolstoy's life.  I thought it was fascinating, exploring the dangers of making a person into an idol and how to mix social radicalism with a life of romance and happiness.

It was thought-provoking.  I haven't quite sorted what I think of it and its implications for my life, but I felt I needed to write about it so as to maybe make some sense of it.

I worry that I might be turning into an angry radicalist.  I have no problem being radical, and having opinions that are contrary to popular opinion.  But I don't want to turn being different into being hostile.  And unfortunately, when people disagree with me, or think differently than me, I get defensive.  I hate that people think I'm stupid or wrong.  So it's easier to get angry than to feel inferior.

But I don't want to be that way.  I want to hold my beliefs with confidence, but not force them upon others or feel the need to be proved right.  I'm very scared of looking wrong.  More than being wrong, I hate looking wrong.  Which makes having a blog very annoying, because I constantly change my opinions of things, and now they are publicly documented. 

I have very strong opinions on love and romance.  I am an idealist.  I grew up a romantic, naive and stupid.  But that bit me in the butt, and I saw too many romances fall apart.  That left me in my current situation, where I vacillate between wanting to be the ultimate, awesome, confident, God-empowered single woman or wanting to be the communicative, honest, unbiased, partnered married woman.

The problem with idealism is Chris.  He is an idealist, and he is constantly miserable.  I don't want to end up that way, the way that I am headed.  But I don't want to give up my ideals.  I want a love that will succeed, a love that is built on God and that won't waver.  Or I want to be single, to give up all attachments to this world and focus my whole person on obeying God.

Unfortunately, life is not ideal.  No matter how my life goes, I will be disappointed.  I don't know how to hold to my ideals while remaining happy.  I don't know how to be a pacifist, how to be non-materialistic, how to be free of religious law, without becoming angry.

Liz said she loved that I love things so passionately, but sometimes I think my passion can be more of a detriment than anything else.

I'm all confused, basically.  I don't know how to be who I am.  I don't know how to navigate life without my brain or my heart exploding.

EDITED TO ADD:  Of course when I go to Donald Miller's blog he is talking about something similar.  I will just quote him, because this is what I want to be.  I want to be like Jesus.

"It’s interesting to me that Jesus never forced anybody to agree with Him. Instead, He has a quiet confidence. He was responsible to say the truth and to be Himself and he let others take responsibility for their lives.  He spoke the truth, He wasn’t offended when people didn’t agree, and He gave them their own will to do as they wish. But what’s more, He loved them regardless. He loved them whether they followed Him or tried to kill them. He even loved them while they were killing Him.
If you have an opinion, and somebody disagrees, let them. Just make it know what you think about the issue, listen to them closely, and then love and care about them regardless. If they keep trying to change your mind, gently explain to them that you simply don’t agree, but you don’t want it to interrupt your friendship. If people can only be friends with others who think the way they think, this is a weakness in character.
The Jesus kind of love, the love that speaks the truth and yet does not try to control, is supernatural. It is a very confident position and it comes from God. Will it always win? No, but the point is not to win, the point is to love, even to our deaths."

My Real Mom

My aunt is incredibly similar to me, and my mom is incredibly similar to my cousin.  I have a whole big conspiracy theory about us being switched at birth and stuff.

Two more reasons why we are the same person:

1)  She doesn't look at people in public.  I thought it was normal to avoid eye contact and ignore people in crowds.  Apparently it's not.  But my aunt is that way too!

2)  She said during dinner, "It's better to marry a guy that's younger than you."  My eyes widened, and Bess scoffed.  My aunt continued, "That way when you get older--".  I interrupted, "You will live together longer!"  We beamed at each other.  Bess didn't understand, because she doesn't share our brain.  She shares my mom's.

Conversations at the Brown's House

*when considering a drive-in movie*
Bess:  I'll bring the pepper spray!
Stephanie:  And I'll bring the bug spray.  What will you bring, Tricia?
Me:  Ummm...
Pat:  She'll bring the wit and beauty!
Me:  Yes!  ... Except you're the one who thought of that, so apparently you have the wit.

Bess:  Well, we could....Ooo!  We could go to Bass Pro!
Me:  Like, the sports store?
Stephanie:  Yeah, that's really cool!
Pat:  *rolls eyes*
Bess:  They have a waterfall.  And boats!
Me: Can you ride in the boats?
Bess:  No.  But there's camouflage hunting gear!  And you can get a cool Bass Pro shirt!
Me:  For free?
Bess:  No. 
Me:  Is this a joke?