Mission Trip Love

I was really excited for my mission trip team. It was going to be Jake, Joe, Cheryl and me working in a basement. That job got canceled, and I was kind of devastated when our whole team was reassigned to join a roofing job at a church far away from everyone else. That was very stupid of me, because I love the crew I'm working with.

We have such a great dynamic, where everyone is pretty laid back emotionally, but is also a very hard worker. We bust our butts, running around to measure and pre-drill tin roof, and hanging off railings to paint hand rails, and climbing up incredibly tilted ladders to stuff insulation in the tin roof bumps (not to mention Jake and Joe, who spend all day crawling around the roof drilling things into place).

But then we have fun, passing around communal drinks ("Oh, is that Peach Mango water? Can I try?" "Me too!"). And Bruce, the crew chief, took time before going to eat lunch to take me over to a tree to see if I could do a chin up. I could. With the help of him pushing the bottom of one of my shoes.

We work hard with a playful heart, I guess. It's perfect. No drama, no fights, no slackers. Which is amazing considering we have a 5-year-old (Andrew), a high schooler (Michael), four college students (Jake, Ashley, Joe, Troy), a college graduate (me), two 30-ish-year-olds (Bruce and Jenna), two 50-ish-year-olds (Cheryl and Steve) and a 60-ish-year-old (Bill). Not exactly a combination that I would think works, but it does.

I wish this trip could go on forever and ever, because I love it so.


That's our team minus a couple people and plus Frank and John, two men from the church we are roofing who bring us doughnuts and ice cream bars and sleep in their trucks all night so the roofing material won't get stolen.

Celebrating Mediocrity

We've started our first day of work on the Woodland family mission trip, and I have re-fallen in love with my church family. I'm roofing a church, and the pitch is pretty steep. I've only ever roofed a flatish roof before, so I resigned myself to staying on the ground, passing materials up when needed.

Not so! I was peer pressured into climbing the ladder, and throughout the rest of the day, I got more and more confident. Not like to a ridiculous degree, but enough that I could walk around on my feet instead of scooting on my butt.

But I love my church, because even though I ended up sitting on the peak of the roof, holding everything that people didn't want to fall and then handing it off--a pretty trivial job by all accounts--people thanked me like I was useful, and treated me like part of the team. They would even encourage me to do real jobs, like snap chalk lines or cut the insulation to fit.

I think other groups of professionals would do the job themselves and get fed up with the unskilled people on their team. Not Woodlanders. The love between my spiritual family is something real, and something I am proud to be a part of.

This was all revealed to me in a case of the opposite. A kid from the local church was helping us roof, and he asked me to pass it him via Jake. I did, and then the kid said. "Leave it to the men."

Not a good button to push with me. I immediately replied, "Hey! I'm incompetent because I'm incompetent, not because I'm a woman."

Jake laughed at me, but that was okay, because I knew he valued me for what I was doing, and he would help me if I wanted to try something new. And then Ashley stepped up and starting hammering and running all over the roof. And then Troy walked on the edge-side of the roof as I learned to walk to the dropoff. And then Steve taught me less terrifying ways to climb onto a ladder without any condescension in his voice. And then Bruce told me to organize the tool pickup.

I love our team, and I love our church, and I love going on mission trips with these people.

Trusting God

I downloaded and started filling out the Samaritan's Purse application. But the thing with my two plans for the future (SP and Journeyman) is that I just don't feel peaceful about either of them. I haven't been able to decide if it was nervousness on my part or God trying to get through to me.

Today someone called the church, and asked me what my next step is. I rattled off my two choices, and it hit me that this whole thing is very much in my control.

Which is exactly where it shouldn't be.

So I got out my notebook to pray (because my verbal mind prayers tend to ramble), and after a couple minutes I had this clear sense of God telling me to wait. So I'm not going to work on either application until God tells me differently.

Probably some of you will freak out, and I know my dad won't be pleased. But if I learned in Senegal to trust God, well, I think I need to trust God. I don't want to live by the false adage "God helps those who help themselves." No! God helps those who seek him and him alone.

So I'm just going to go ahead with the things I know God wants me to do: lead a Bible study, mentor younger girls, visit homebound church members. Those things don't pay anything, and I think that is part of how God is growing me. Will I follow him if it means not making any money? I guess I'm about to find out.

I think that God will put a money-making job in front of me at some point. But that's the thing. I was trying to decide my future. I need to step back and let God do that for me. Every other job I've ever had was handed to me in such a way that it was obviously God setting it up for me. Why would I want to ruin that track record?

Mini-Rant

It was nice talking to Bruce today. Somehow we got on the topic of me dating, and he said I probably had someone in mind, and I answered that no, I really don't. I explained myself, saying that the things I want out of life are not likely to be found in very many guys--the desire to live internationally, in big cities, in small villages, in Europe, in Africa, in Asia. I don't care. I just want to go places, and I don't want to stay in one place for long.

Bruce sat there for a second, then said, "Yeah. That'll be pretty hard to find someone like that."

And you know what? It was so nice to hear that. I'm tired of people patronizing me, telling me I'll find "the one." First, I'm pretty sure I didn't complain about not having him. Second, you're only making it worse by insinuating that I am not a complete person until I've found him. Third, you make it sound like some easy thing, like I'm just not opening my eyes or something.

It was gratifying to hear someone acknowledge that the guy I want to marry is not exactly on my doorstep. Sure, God could make him turn up at the randomest time in the randomest place, but by my logic, that means I should stop looking and stop caring. It'll happen when God wants it to happen. Until then, I want to be happily single, and I want other people to be happy that I'm single too.

Reading Tozer at Work

I started my illustrious career as Woodland's church secretary today. Actually, that sentence couldn't be more incorrect, because I've been church secretary before (one time for the whole month of August), and also because this time will only last one week.

Which is sad, because there are few jobs I love more than being church secretary. Um, maybe no other jobs? Because I love working with the men who lead our church--I've always loved spending extra time with Joel and Bill, but since the last time I worked, Mark has been hired into a new position, and I love Mark too! I also love all the Woodlanders who make their way in and out of the church throughout the day, and I love feeling like I can help them. I love when the day gets hectic and there are five things going on at once. I realized that I start talking to inanimate objects when this happens. (ex: "Seriously, copier? I'm coming! Oh, really, fax machine? You're going off now? Ack! Phone, stop ringing! I will get you! ....heh heh, I am like a superhero, but with office supplies! Oh crap, someone is coming...")

Anyway, today was super awesome, and I'm already dreading the end of this week.

During my lunch break I read some Tozer, and there was this huge passage that just blew my mind. So I thought I'd share. Stick with it. I promise it's awesome. Actually, it's awesome from the beginning, so it's not like it's a chore to keep reading.

But let us...simply observe the true Christian as he puts into practice the teachings of Christ and His apostles. Note the contradictions:

The Christian believes that in Christ he has died, yet he is more alive than before and he fully expects to live forever. He walks on earth while seated in heaven and though born on earth he finds that after his conversion he is not at home here. Like the nighthawk, which in the air is the essence of grace and beauty but on the ground is awkward and ugly, so the Christian appears at his best in the heavenly places but does not fit well into the ways of the very society into which he was born.

The Christian soon learns that if he would be victorious as a son of heaven among men on earth he must not follow the common pattern of mankind, but rather the contrary. That he may be safe he puts himself in jeopardy; he loses his life to save it and is in danger of losing it if he attempts to preserve it. He goes down to get up. If he refuses to go down he is already down, but when he starts down he is on his way up.

He is strongest when he is weakest and weakest when he is strong. Though poor he has the power to make others rich, but when he becomes rich his ability to enrich others vanishes. He has most after he has given most away and has least when he possesses most.

He may be and often is highest when he feels lowest and most sinless when he is most conscious of sin. He is wisest when he knows that he knows not and knows least when he has acquired the greatest amount of knowledge. He sometimes does most by doing nothing and goes furthest when standing still. In heaviness he manages to rejoice and keeps his heart glad even in sorrow.

The paradoxical character of the Christian is revealed constantly. For instance, he believes that he is saved now, nevertheless he expects to be saved later and looks forward joyfully to future salvation. He fears God but is not afraid of Him. In God's presence he feels overwhelmed and undone, yet there is nowhere he would rather be than in that presence. He knows that he has been cleansed from his sin, yet he is painfully conscious that in his flesh dwells no good thing.

He loves supremely One whom he has never seen, and though himself poor and lowly he talks familiarly with One who is King of all kings and Lord of all lords, and is aware of no incongruity in so doing. He feels that he is in his own right altogether less than nothing, yet he believes without question that he is the apple of God's eye and that for him the Eternal Son became flesh and died on the cross of shame.

He cheerfully expects before long to enter that bright world above, but he is in no hurry to leave this world and is quite willing to await the summons of his heavenly Father. And he is unable to understand why the critical unbeliever should condemn him for this; it all seems so natural and right in the circumstances that he sees nothing inconsistent about it.

The cross-carrying Christian, furthermore, is both a confirmed pessimist and an optimist the like of which is to be found nowhere else on earth.

When he looks at the cross he is a pessimist, for he knows that the same judgment that fell on the Lord of glory condemns in that one act all nature and all the world of men. He rejects every human hope out of Christ because he knows that man's noblest effort is only dust building on dust.

Yet he is calmly, restfully optimistic. If the cross condemns the world the resurrection of Christ guarantees the ultimate triumph of good throughout the universe. Through Christ all will be well at last and the Christian waits the consummation.

I am an Adult Child

I spoke at Gerald Steffy's church tonight, and I think it was my best yet. That was probably because the congregation was small and intimate, and it felt more like a discussion than a lecture. The people there are pretty awesome, and from the short time I spent with them, it was obvious they love Jesus and that He is working in really cool ways in their lives. I wish I were more vocal about my love for Jesus.

After that I went to the Wineinger's house, and going there is awesome because you inevitably come home looking like this:


Here are the things I did at their house:

1) Hurled axes at a bullseye.
2) Went joyriding in a muddy field in a crappy truck. Lindsay rocked it so hard that we stalled the truck twice.
3) Changed into the boys' dirty clothes and jumped around in mud puddles with Lindsay and Ashley. (best part EVER)
4) Cowered with Andrea when they busted out the fireworks and started throwing lit fuses around all willy nilly.
5) Soaked my feet in their hot tub.
6) Discussed all sorts of weird topics with the Princeville kids after everyone else had left. It made me want to take back all the high school crushes I've ever had, because boys are ridiculous! "I can't wait to go such-and-such, because there will be hot girls, and they will think I am hot, and blah blah blah." I hope I wasn't like that. Except I was. Thank goodness for maturity.

Kind of. After we jumped in puddles, Nathan smiled his Nathansmile and said, "You guys looked like little kids."

Seize the day!

Today was a wonderfully lazy Saturday. Only two things are worth noting. First, my poor baby puppy hurt herself being stupid, because she jerked her leg with her leash trying to chase after something or other. All day she's been hobbling along like a three-legged dog. It is both pathetic and hilarious. She is the adored member of our family, though, so all day we've been bending over backwards to show our love to her. I sat outside with her so she wouldn't be chained up alone. Mom brought her water bowl out to her, then set it a foot away, then brought it back to her mouth when she whimpered. Dad and I constantly praise her any time she gets up, moves, or shows that she is improving.

We love our dog, what can I say?

Second, I made yassa! I started at 2:30, cutting everything up and mixing the sauce as best I could. I found two wildly different recipes online, so I kind of mixed together what I thought sounded best and added some of the Jumbo cubes I brought. Here are pictures to document!

Cutting up the chicken breasts....I chose not to go with the whole chicken, since I have no idea how to do that.

Jumbo!

Lots and lots of onions.

Cooking.

It looks legit, except for the lack of a common bowl.

We ate at 7:00 (but two of those hours in between were free, because the chicken had to marinade in the sauce), and I have to say it was pretty.....okay. I added apple cider vinegar because one recipe said too, and it was a little overwhelming. But my parents liked it enough that I think they'll let me make it again, so bring on trial two!

Melengo

Back in December I signed up to sponsor a kid through Compassion. I chose Melengo from Tanzania, because he comes from a place that is hit pretty bad with AIDs and because he'd been unwanted for over six months. I love me some underdogs, I guess.

Anyway, it's a good thing Compassion sets up funding so the money is automatically taken from my bank account every month, because I have been a horrible sponsor. I have not written to Melengo, and I really haven't prayed for him. I mean, financial support is great and all, but I'm pretty disappointed with myself.

Especially because Melengo is awesome! He has written me three letters, translated by someone else, and with little drawings at the bottom of the page. In the last letter, that I got today, he asked me to pray for his little sister, who is sick.

That's what really made me aware of my failure, so I promptly wrote him a letter and printed off pictures to send him. I really want to make praying for him a priority, and who knows, maybe someday I can visit him! I mean, traveling is kind of my thing.

So if you read this, I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop for a moment and say a prayer for Melengo and his sick little sister.

i am a crazy celebrity stalker

I wasn't going to write today, because even though I had a surprisingly excellent time with my dad's family, and we visited my grandpa in the nursing home and it was actually very sweet...well, I just feel like the things that happened today are heart memories, not blog memories. I don't know how to write about them adequately.

But then something very important happened that completely and obviously warranted a blog entry.

I checked NPH's twitter, because yes, I'm a stalker like that, and he linked a picture of him with a birthday present. He just turned 37, because yes, I'm a stalker like that, and also Jennie told me. Anyway, in this picture, he was wearing a v-neck t-shirt under a grandpa sweater, and I grabbed my heart (almost literally) and cooed.

I thought my love for him could not be greater, but I was wrong.

Oh, and also I noticed he says "check it" when he links to things, which is what I do when I post new dance videos! Did I steal that from him and not even know it, or are we soulmates?

readysetGO

Okay, God, get your matchmaking boots on, because I am ready to get married! I blame hanging out with awesome couples in Jackson. Jennie and Dusty are completely adorable, and I find their little family system refreshing and smart and full of dance moves. Erin and Tim are hilarious and considerate and determined to be non-materialistic. And while Ashley and Stephen are a new couple, I am already a fan of their no-nonsense "I love you and want to marry you" mentality.

Also, Jason got my brain cogs turning when he said I would marry someone and be a career missionary, and possibly I would meet someone while I was overseas. Which would be smashing! I'm currently rooting for this British guy on youtube, who reads Twilight and mocks it for the internet. But possibly God will choose someone different for me.

Anyway, I've been thinking about my ideal future, and it looks like this:

1) Go overseas in some missional capacity.
2) Meet a guy who wants to devote his life to overseas mission work, who is anti-materialistic, and who is laid back but way better at everything than me.
3) I will adopt adorable children from many locations!
4) I will maybe have my own children, but I am blocking that possibility from my mind because the ickiness terrifies me.
5) We will be a big family of awesome that doesn't live in the US, because if I'm going to have a big family, I very much don't want my children to be corrupted by the evil United States. I slightly exaggerate my feelings. Slightly.
6) Ummmm, and then at some point I die, after I live a full life serving God.

So there it is, my future with a boy and some gendered children. We'll see how long this desire lasts. I suppose I could always journey on down to Jackson whenever I need to be reminded that marriage is not horrible and dream-crushing.

Hmmm, I realize that is extremely insulting to the married couples I know and love in Peoria. Apologies. I am mostly referencing young couples, because I am disenchanted by most young couples I know. Excepting Lindsay and Nathan of Peoria fame! They are definitely included in my "gives me hope" relationship category.

Done.

Safety Dance

I figured the best way to document my awesome time in Jackson with my awesome friends was...by dance video!

In this video: Tricia McGarrah,
Jennie Hughes, Dusty Hughes, Hannah Hughes, Seth Hughes,
Whitney Jones, Ashley Mott,
Erin Palm, and Tim Messer,
with a special guest appearance by Stephanie Kesner.

God is Speaking

Today was a heavy day. It was good, I guess, because it was one of those days where the divine and the mundane seem to merge, and I feel like I get a glimpse of my life as something important, as something that God is working on. That sounds kind of cheesily poetic, so let me explain.

I went back to my old school office this afternoon, because Jason wanted to hear about my time in Senegal. I used to babysit his kid, so I knew him and his wife pretty well, and they are passionate about world missions. Jason and I used to break from working to talk about how God was directing our lives, and it was really awesome to get to do that again.

There's just something different about sharing stories from my trip with someone who loves missions. They ask different questions, they get excited about the things I do, and there's a general air of awesomeness surrounding those conversations. I told Jason about my ideas for the future, and he shared what God is doing in his life, and I just had this feeling of "God is so crazy amazing, and I just feel giddy talking with someone about this God we both love so much."

And then Jason went and got all voice of God on me. By which I mean he randomly said, "I think maybe you know this, but from reading your blog and hearing you talk, I think you're going to end up on the mission field for the rest of your life."

It was the first time someone has said, not asked, that I will be a career missionary. And yeah, the idea has crossed my mind, though I tend not to think that far ahead. But suddenly it seemed so real, and it felt right. I know I'll go back overseas, and I can't really imagine a point in my life when I will say, "Okay, that's enough. I've traveled and told enough people about Jesus."

Then he went on to say that I will find a guy when I least expect it, and that God tends to bring missionary couples together in crazy ways. And for once it didn't bug me. I won't go into why this time was different, but yeah, when I think of the future, of living overseas for years and years and years....I want a guy beside me. I want a partner. Not someone to fulfill my every need, because that's God's job, but someone to work with me, to have strengths where I am weak, to talk to in English when everyone else is speaking gibberish.

So that was super awesome.

Mentally Reset

I went to Northbrook today, which was slightly terrifying because I went by myself like old horrible times. I sat next to an older guy that I kind of recognized, and we massively bumped heads when we both reached for our Bibles. Oops.

But the service was awesome. I miss Northbrook sometimes. The sermons are always so practical and hard hitting and personal. Today's was about humility, and the various sneaky ways pride manifests in our lives (mine is not sneaky....I think I am better than people, and I think I deserve everything good and nothing bad, and these are things I know God has to work on in my life). Anyway, we focused on God's grace, and how God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble, and how really, we just need to forget ourselves and always focus on God. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. It's so simple, but I always need to be reminded of it.

I think God works most powerfully in my life in really small ways. Last night, as we were entering the Jackson city limits, God reminded me of my water bottle sitting in the cup holder next to me. I automatically thought "eh, I'll leave it there for Erin to get rid of." Hello, ever-present pride! But then I immediately felt like God was rolling His eyes at me, and I knew I had to take the water bottle with me. It was a tiny thing, but I really struggled with it. I simply didn't want to be bothered with such a stupid task, but in that little decision hung this monumental philosophy of "is it more important for me to serve and help my friend, or for her to serve and help me?" God got me to take the water bottle, and I won a small (but huge) battle with my pride. God has to start small with me. I am a slow learner.

I surprised Dr. and Mrs. Guthrie after the service, and it was super great to see them and hug them. I adore them because they just sent their 17-year-old son to war-torn Sudan all by himself because they knew God wanted them too. Mrs. Guthrie is really into OCC, so she ate up my stories of our distributions, and then honestly told me she wanted to be updated on my application for Samaritan's Purse. I love them a lot, and I will miss them not being in my life.

At home, Jennie and I had a great conversation about what we learned in church, and what God has been teaching Jennie about gratitude. I really miss our Sunday conversations. It's so nice to get life perspective from someone in a different life stage than me. Plus, she is wise and stuff, and she has different struggles than me, which makes me learn from her in roundabout and sneaky ways.

Then I went to Jackson, hugged Brother (Tim) goodbye, and took Erin to Memphis. We drank coffee at Otherlands and talked for a couple hours about materialism. I miss college and Jackson, and all these awesome conversations about big life philosophies and Christian decisions and how to best live a life that will please God. I need to find that sort of comfort and passion in Peoria.

I love Erin a lot. I'm so excited she is marrying someone I love, and I'm so excited that no matter where God sends us in the world, we will save up our money and visit each other.

When we got back to Jackson, I bought strawberries at Kroger (I realized I was getting nostalgic for Jackson when I got bleary-happy in my local grocery store) and junk food at Sonic. I ate while the kids bathed, then played with them before they went to sleep. Jennie and Dusty and I watched Dr. Horrible, but they did not appreciate its awesomeness. Then Jennie watched more LOST, and it made me want to watch the whole series through really badly.

I want to be humble, and I want to be anti-materialistic. Dramatically so.

Quote of the day:

Jennie: Hm!
Dusty: Hm!
Jennie: Okay, you're mocking my epiphany.
Dusty: I'm having my own epiphany.
Me: You are lying! You are sinning while you sit!
Dusty: No, I'm epiphanizing.
Me: You're epiphanofalizing!
Jennie: You'd better not do that on the couch.

Roomie and Brother Take Me On a Date

I am dead tired, but today Erin and Tim took me on a mystery date. It was probably the best date in the history of dates. The mystery was halfway solved when we drove down the interstate and Erin said, "Are we going to Memphis? Jackson? Nashville?" and then we took the Nashville exit.

So naturally we ended up going to the Turkish restaurant after two hours of catching up on each other's lives. The food was so so delicious, and Tim surprised me by paying for everything we did today! Which got kind of pricey, so it was super sweet and like a real date.

After eating and chatting with our Turkish waiter and friend from our visit last year (he remembered us and actually knew I'd just gotten back from Senegal because of facebook....kinda cool, kinda creepy)....um, okay, so after eating, Tim gave Erin cryptic directions from his iPhone, and then we pulled up outside a hookah bar! SO MUCH AWESOME! It was such a lovely personal thing, because I only ever smoke hookah with Tim and Erin, and he paid for it, and it was just so fun.

Then we went to the Parthenon and walked around and filmed some dancing. It was crazy hot and humid, though, so we walked over to Borders for some AC. Then we wandered over to Starbucks and asked the barista where he recommended we hang out in Nashville. It was already past 9:00, though, so we didn't take his advice. Instead we walked to an ice cream shop for some internally cooling sweets. Then Erin decided she wanted Starbucks for the drive home, so we walked back to the Parthenon for the car, then drove to get coffee.

The drive home was fun. It was so nice to hang out with Erin and Tim again. I love them dearly, and I love that we are all three so comfortable around each other. We could go from talking about future missions plans, to sex, to peeing our pants, to what a biblical church should look like. I love them so much.

Best date ever. Which isn't saying much, since I've never been on an actual date, but regardless, it was totally awesome.

Craig 3 Reunion

Jennie had coffee ready for me by the time I went downstairs this morning, which I thought was just super nice. After breakfast and some quality time coloring with the kiddos, I got ready to hit the town.

First I hit Union, and went to my old office to surprise my bosses. It was pretty rewarding to see all their doubletakes when they realized it was me walking in. I got lots of hugs, and we all chatted for about half an hour. Then I went downstairs and bought a cute Union shirt.

At noon, I met Whitney, Ashley, and Josephine for lunch at McAlisters! Even though it has been awhile since we have truly been Craig 3 sisters, I guess we all just agreed to leave any hard feelings behind and just celebrate our sisterhood. Because it was awesome, and we laughed a lot a lot, and we caught up on each other's lives. Um, their lives are ridiculous, full of love and the possibilities of marriage (I think my head might explode if one of my sisters gets married) and school and jobs. We're adults now, I think.

After eating, we picked up Stephen, Ashley's photographer boyfriend, and for the next couple hours we went around Union taking pictures and reenacting pictures from our freshman year. Stephen was super awesome for putting up with us and being just as into the photo shoot as we were.

Jo had to leave at 4:00, but after we dropped off Stephen at his house, Whit and Ash and I went to Memphis. Specifically, we ate dinner at BB Kings. So good. Then I got Ashley to video Whit and me dancing on Beale Street. Luckily, people are often drunk on Beale Street, so no one really thought our behavior was too out of the ordinary.

We stopped by the Peabody mall so Whitney could use her Maggie Moo's gift card before driving back to Jackson. We met up with Stephen at Perkins and got the pictures from him while overwhelming the table with laptops. Then we said goodbye.

I love my Craig 3 sisters, and this better not only be the end of an era. It has to be the beginning of a new era: the Era of Annual Reunions!

Summer 2008

I am in Jackson, home of my college years! Specifically, I am in Jennie and Dusty's house, home of my summer 2008 and random times before and after.

It was incredibly bizarre walking through their back door, because it was immediately like I had not left. Bizarre in a good way, though. I just went back to coloring with the kids while trying to converse with their parents. Good times. Notable differences: Hannah can read, and Seth can talk, albeit in a language I cannot quite understand.

We went to dinner at a new Thai restaurant in town, which was super awesome delicious. And they had a little counter of Thai foods that you could buy, including some kind of sauce that was labeled "Maggi"! That is used in Senegal! How fun.

We didn't get home (aww, lookit me, calling their house my home) until 7:00, so the kids hurriedly changed into swimsuits and then played in their new pool. It was fun to see the kids get used to me again, to go from "Ummm, Tricia's here!" to "Tricia, hold my hands every single time I go down this slide."


Then they went inside, and all five of us crammed into the bathroom for their bath. Hannah asked if Jennie and I were going to take a bath together, and then she and Seth ate cookies while bathing. I can't think of anything more decadent. We watched some Veggie Tales, and the kids curled up on me, and Dusty took pictures, which made me feel posed and paparazied. We put them to bed, and then we adults went downstairs to eat the cookie cake Jennie had made me. Or I should say, the amazing cookie cake Jennie made me. See?


We watched So You Think You Can Dance, and then Jennie and I tried to think that we could dance, but...we couldn't. But we will improve! To sum up: I love being here, and it is impossible to believe that it has been six months since I've seen these guys. To end, I will share two awesome quotes by the kids that made me laugh out loud.

Hannah: Good walking on your knees, Tricia!

*I carried Seth up the stairs bundled in a blanket*
Me: You're a cocoon!
Jennie: You're a burrito!
Me: Well, you're a butterfly burrito.
Seth: I'm Seth.

Lots of Good

Today I got to hang out with my blood family and my family by Jesus. I just really enjoy both of them. And I got to hang out with a bunch of boys throughout my time at church, and I just love boys. They're so boyish. It's nice to be around that again.

And tomorrow I get to go to Jackson and see three sets of roommates!

And Sarah Pauli is going to room with my mom and I on the church mission trip! It's cool to see God continuing to answer my prayer. I worried that by leaving Senegal, I would lose my passion for missions and fulfilling the Great Commission. So Kim and my HandsOn devotional suggested praying for God to put people in my life who would keep that passion going. First Megan came into my life, and now I'm getting to spend a lot of quality time with Sarah. Awesome and awesome.

God is so crazy good to me.

Edited to add: And I'm painting again! It's just so much fun. I want to take lessons, but even so, I am very pleased with what I did tonight, in maybe an hour or so. I call it "African Doll" because....I painted my African doll. Take a look!

Edible Sensory Support

My aunt Pat is visiting this week, so my mom and I went to my grandparent's house for a family dinner. After eating, my grandma was showing us brochures for Williamsburg, where the five of us (plus my cousin) will be vacationing in July. She was in the middle of describing bayonets hanging from the ceiling when I saw my aunt take out her contact, stare at it for a second, then pop it into her mouth.

I fell apart laughing. Pat looked at me with a mix of "you are so immature" and "if you make me laugh I might swallow my contact." My mom gleefully told the rest of my family that once I got started like that, it might be a good ten minutes before I stopped.

After a few choking breaths, I thought I had composed myself. Then my grandpa said, "What would you do if I was in public and I took out my hearing aid?"

Oh my word. That set me off again, at the thought of him popping his hearing aid into his mouth in the middle of church. Luckily this time Pat and Mom joined me in laughing hysterically. Grandma and Grandpa even laughed along, although Grandpa tried to clarify that it was not what he had meant.

I had tears streaming down my face, and my mom had to physically turn her whole body away from me in order to stop laughing. About ten minutes later, I was composed, although the image of my respected grandfather chowing down on ear wear would pop into my brain and cause me to involuntarily gurgle a laugh.

It's been awhile since I've lost control of my laughter like that. Good times.

Beauty and Gifts

I am loving Peoria in the summer. It is gorgeous. Last night our church had our evening service at this pioneer church, then cooked hot dogs and hung out outside. Today I had a picnic with my friend Michelle on the playground of the grade school where we became friends. It's just all so green and lush, the sky is beautifully blue with fantastic white puffy clouds. I love it.



In my Theories of Personality class, we studied this one theory that says people are built to look at the world through a certain lens, like logic or morality. At the time, I figured mine was beauty, and after living in Senegal, I am more sure of that than ever. It's really hard for me to live in a place that isn't beautiful. Fatick was just depressing to look at. But Peoria! It's wonderful. My world makes sense.

In a more thinky thought unrelated tangent, I've been confronted with the question of my gifts and talents a couple times in the last few days, and can I just say that I hate that question? Off the top of my head, I have very little idea of what I'm good at. I don't actually think I'm good at anything.

But when it really comes down to it, I think I have two major talents. Writing and adaptability. I don't like that my talents are more reactionary than causational. I have no idea what I can do, but whatever I do, I know that I can get used to it quickly and then express my thoughts about it. So that's...something.

When it comes to spiritual gifts, though, I'm even less sure. So I followed Joel's advice and asked some people. The overwhelming favorite was knowledge, which I can totally see. The only problem is, what good is that? I mean, if it's God's gift, it's obviously useful, but....

The thing is, I feel like everything I'm good at is very intrapersonal. That is by far where most of my intelligence lies. In that personality class, everything we learned, I applied to myself. Other people said, "Oh! This explains my mother/roommate/friend!" Nope. I rarely thought past myself. And isn't that what knowledge is too? I guess I feel like I don't give back enough, that it isn't natural for me to think of other people. I'm not compassionate, that's for sure.

Other than knowledge, a couple people suggested mercy. I can see that a little, I guess. I don't know exactly what that gift entails, so that's part of the problem. But I was also told that I have the gift of accepting people, which is similar to what a friend told me awhile ago, that she felt she could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge her. If that is mercy, then....yes!

I think I should be a psychologist someday.

Then there were some single responses, like giving (which I kind of agree with, and I definitely feel like God is working on growing that in me, so maybe it's a secondary gift?), and discernment and showing up at people's houses at 10:30. I don't know, but I think the last one might have been a joke. I can't really discern the meaning behind it.

Anyway. Those are the things I'm thinking. Sometimes I wish God had written an instructions manual for my life. "This is what you are good at. You will be most rewarded by going into such-and-such a profession." Too bad.

Tornados

I made dinner for my family. It took almost two hours, and I made every single part of it from scratch, and it was delicious. I find I really like cooking.

We had finished eating and were ten minutes into a movie (yes, we watch things while we eat, and yes, we eat fast) when the tornado sirens went off. I haven't been in a tornado warning for probably two years, when Erin and I fled to Union and the TV blew out because of lightning. Anyway, I thought I was over the whole "deathly terrified" thing, but really I just haven't been exposed to storms very much.

I hate getting scared. I hate feeling weak and powerless. But fear is not something I've learned to control, and those stupid sirens must be directly hotwired to my amygdala, because I was internally freaking out. Luckily my mother is empathetic, and she suggested we go downstairs, which I promptly did. I dragged Misty along too, because I am not going to let her die.

There were a few actual scares, like when the TV guy circled Edwards and wrote "TAKE COVER!" all intense and dramatic. So we did. My mom and I (and Misty!) went under the stairs and sat on a Christmas box (not Misty). My dad stayed by the TV and alternated between telling me it was not going to hit us and comfortingly patting my shoulder.

Long story short, nothing happened. But I can no longer deny that I am not emotionally scarred. The threat of tornadoes terrifies me, especially when paired with the sirens. Also, lightning absolutely terrifies me, but I think that has more to do with watching The Green Mile.

Well, after bemoaning the sad state of my spiritual life on this blog just a couple hours ago, I finally had enough pushing me to do something about it. Usually stating my failures in a public(ish) forum will do the trick.

So I sat down and wrote out a really long prayer, apologizing for being a slacker, and praising God for how awesome and patient and forgiving He is. And then I actually took time to pray through some of the things that have been on my mind, concerning the past and the future and life.

It's funny how talking to God really does give you peace and rest. I feel better than I have in weeks. It's funny how I always forget this consequence. Always I feel better after spending time with God, but always I take forever to actually do it. Few things demonstrate my struggle between flesh and spirit than my avoidance of/seeking after time with God.

Then I read the second chapter of 1 Corinthians, and even though I hadn't really been thinking about my talk on Sunday, it just completely relaxed me and told me what I needed to hear. Because although I appreciate people telling me I'll do great (thanks, Tommy!), that really does nothing to help me. I've been fed those lies all my life, but the truth is, I will just not be great at some things. And that's okay.

I may stutter and squawk on Sunday. Doesn't matter. I just have to do it, because my job on this earth is to glorify God, and whether I do that with a steady voice or not is pretty inconsequential. So thanks, God, for pointing out Paul as my public speaking role model!

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

Confidence Regained

Even though my only actual plans for the future include living overseas, I've secretly been hesitant. It's just very easy to live in Peoria. I have a ready-made family, and a ready-made circle of friends, and a ready-made church community. Everything is laid out for me.

I didn't know if I wanted to go through the hassle of starting over. I made a new life in Jackson. I made a new life in Senegal. Now I'm reintegrating into my first life in Peoria. It might be nice to just settle down. If I make a new friend, awesome. But it's not like I have to actively work to make new friends, not like if I moved somewhere new and I had no established friends. It's a lot of work. And even though I ended up loving the Forsythes and Liz and Holly and Lamba and Mame Codou...it took a while to get there. It took a good couple months for the comfort to set in.

Do I want to do that again?

Today I realized the answer is definitely yes. I mean, I don't actually like who I am in Peoria. It's better than it used to be, but I tend to emotionally regress when I'm here. It's not surprising, since I'm living with my parents and hanging out with the people who knew me as a high schooler. But my spiritual life sucks here. And my contentment sucks here. I don't like it. And even though I know that this is something I should work through instead of run away from (darn you, Stephanie, and your words of wisdom that apply to everything in my life!)...even though I think I should work through it, I don't want to stay here forever.

I think I can force myself to grow if I stay in Peoria. But when I travel...when I throw my life into God's hands and trust that He'll take care of me, when I see a world completely different from what I know...that's when my heart changes and my beliefs become solid and my passion is enflamed. Not because of anything I do. I don't force myself to change. The situation, and the way God works in the situation, changes me.

I want that again.

And anyway, I went to see the documentary Babies, and while they were absolutely adorable, I was mostly thinking, "I want to see Mongolia! I want to walk through Tokyo! Hey look, Namibia is like Senegal a little! I've experienced that! I could experience that!"

Stephanie says I am probably the only person to watch that movie and think "I want to travel!" instead of "I want a baby!"

So...while I'm still nervous about uprooting my life again, I have regained my confidence that it will be a good thing. I don't think it will happen for awhile--maybe not for a year, even--but it will happen. It should happen. And I want it to happen.

Out of Place

I'm not going to do the whole 'recap my day' thing. First, that just feels weird, now that a lot (and by a lot, I mean all seven of you followers) of people are reading about my life as it happens in their own town. And also, I quit my xanga blog because of issues with weirdness and conviction from a YA future apocalyptic book. So I can't go back on that.

Instead, I will just write my thoughts. And anyway, thoughts are more interesting than actions. So proved Alice in Wonderland.

My thoughts today go like this:

I do not want to speak about Senegal on Sunday! I dislike all forms of public speaking! I didn't even like skyping with Woodland, and that was with thousands of miles separating me from my audience. I couldn't even see my audience. I wish I were witty and stellar, and that my voice didn't go wonky from nervousness. But it does, and I will deal.

Sometimes I wish I didn't talk about my opinions quite so much, because of course after I start thinking that the American church needs to step up with community and lots of people publicly sharing what God is doing in their lives.....God would do something in my life, and I would be obligated to talk about it or be a hypocrite.

I am often a hypocrite, but not this time.

Also, I found out that a printed version of my Senegal blog was passed from one person to another in order to be read. It is like I am secretly published! The printed version of my blog is 245 pages long. Um, what? My wordiness is extreme. I'm so super impressed by anyone who read all of that monstrosity, and also I think you are strange, because surely the intricacies of my brain are not that interesting.

It is hard to be friends with a mother and her children. I can have conversations with the mother, and I can have conversations with the children, and I can say ridiculous things, or share my (overly opinionated) opinions, and it's no big deal. But when I have those conversations in front of both.....oh man, do I feel the heat. It is like I am corrupting the children with my words right in front of the woman who birthed them, and the mother wonders why I am invited over, and I feel all judged and stuff. Possibly I am hyperbolizing. Possibly not.

I would really like to live with Liz again. She makes me feel normal, because she is exactly like me. All the things that people look down on me for (my poor maligned Buffy, my neglected Battlestar Galactica, my awesome Neil Patrick Harris), all those things are equally loved by Liz! I mean, sometimes I even worried that she was moving in on my obsession territory. The people I am currently around think that I am weird. Liz made me feel like I was awesome.

Those are selfish reasons. My unselfish reasons are that Liz herself is awesome. She couldn't make dinner without dancing. She drives a moto like...a safe moto driver. She overcame her money stringency to do a more laidback roommate grocery shopping just because it is what I prefer. She rarely missed a day reading her Bible, and she was way better at memorizing Ephesians than I was at memorizing Romans. She would come into my room to show me awesome youtube clips, and she knew cool music before cool people did. She had a busted knee, but she still rocked p90x harder than me.

Also, she loved Buffy and Neil Patrick Harris. Those are the more immediate reasons why I miss Liz.

Armpit Hairs

I have so many friends here. It's kind of ridiculous. I mean, in a good way, because I don't know how I survived for five months with the same seven friends. Probably they were just super awesome. Not that my friends here are not! Hmm, I am digging myself into a hole.

Anyway, I had lunch with Hope. I tend to avoid large parties with my high school friends. I did back then, and I do now. I have not teased out my psychological reasoning for that. But I like hanging out with them solo, which I did today. We ended up driving all over Peoria in search of my Glee DVDs, which we got, and in search of a Chi straightener and Alias DVDs, which we did not get.

After I dropped her off at her car, I stopped by the Monahan's to hang out. I fangirled about Hunger Games (my love is undying!) with Wendy while she made curtains. I tried to give Abby hair advice for her 8th grade graduation, even though I have no creative inspiration when it comes to hair. I comforted, and mocked, David in his second collar bone breakage.

Then I went to go to church. I do very much love being a regular part of Woodland again. It's nice to know I'll be around more than four Sundays at a max. Dinner was good, and I went to a TeamKIDs meeting like an important adult. At 6:30 I commenced my first act as Missions teacher! I think it went pretty well. Hopefully the kids realized that Samuel from Brazil needs prayers, and that being polite is a way to show people that Jesus is awesome.

But my favorite thing of the whole day came after TeamKIDs, when a bunch of us stood around reading the answers of the male youth for a survey on modesty and all things girls. My absolute favorite answer (to the question: What about a girl will send you in the opposite direction?) was "a long armpit hair." Which begs the question, are multiple long armpit hairs attractive?

It was all very enlightening and slightly terrifying. It made me miss my Gender and Sexuality class. Back in the day, I thought there was nothing that would make me happier than spending my life researching the intricacies of gender and sexuality. I still think that I could take classes on it the rest of my life, because it's boundlessly interesting. I'm glad they're discussing stuff like that in church. It needs to be addressed before kids go to school and hear about it from their peers. Which, granted, means starting early, because I started those whispered conversations in fifth grade. Kids are not as innocent as we believe, from our elderly adult standpoint. I can't imagine the fifth graders I know having the conversations I did, but I'm sure they do.

Anyway, that was off topic and starting to become a rant. So I'll cut that short right now.

No Writing Energy. List Instead.

1. American greasy pizza is awesome.

2. I cannot believe I've only been in the States for a week. Already Senegal seems like a distant memory, and Peoria seems like normal.

3. I watched the first episode of Mad Men with my dad. If ever I have been proud to be a feminist, it's while watching that show. Thank God the times have changed.

4. It's far too easy to be distracted here. Life is busy, especially considering my whirlwind weekend, but even when I'm just lounging around at home, there are fifty bajillion ways I can waste my time. I almost want the power to go off so I'm limited to fewer options.

5. It feels normal to be squeezing in time with all my friends of various life stages, but then it hits me....I'm staying here. For a long time. Still not sure how to deal with that.