Even though my only actual plans for the future include living overseas, I've secretly been hesitant. It's just very easy to live in Peoria. I have a ready-made family, and a ready-made circle of friends, and a ready-made church community. Everything is laid out for me.
I didn't know if I wanted to go through the hassle of starting over. I made a new life in Jackson. I made a new life in Senegal. Now I'm reintegrating into my first life in Peoria. It might be nice to just settle down. If I make a new friend, awesome. But it's not like I have to actively work to make new friends, not like if I moved somewhere new and I had no established friends. It's a lot of work. And even though I ended up loving the Forsythes and Liz and Holly and Lamba and Mame Codou...it took a while to get there. It took a good couple months for the comfort to set in.
Do I want to do that again?
Today I realized the answer is definitely yes. I mean, I don't actually like who I am in Peoria. It's better than it used to be, but I tend to emotionally regress when I'm here. It's not surprising, since I'm living with my parents and hanging out with the people who knew me as a high schooler. But my spiritual life sucks here. And my contentment sucks here. I don't like it. And even though I know that this is something I should work through instead of run away from (darn you, Stephanie, and your words of wisdom that apply to everything in my life!)...even though I think I should work through it, I don't want to stay here forever.
I think I can force myself to grow if I stay in Peoria. But when I travel...when I throw my life into God's hands and trust that He'll take care of me, when I see a world completely different from what I know...that's when my heart changes and my beliefs become solid and my passion is enflamed. Not because of anything I do. I don't force myself to change. The situation, and the way God works in the situation, changes me.
I want that again.
And anyway, I went to see the documentary Babies, and while they were absolutely adorable, I was mostly thinking, "I want to see Mongolia! I want to walk through Tokyo! Hey look, Namibia is like Senegal a little! I've experienced that! I could experience that!"
Stephanie says I am probably the only person to watch that movie and think "I want to travel!" instead of "I want a baby!"
So...while I'm still nervous about uprooting my life again, I have regained my confidence that it will be a good thing. I don't think it will happen for awhile--maybe not for a year, even--but it will happen. It should happen. And I want it to happen.
"A man has gotta do what he has gotta do" (or something like that, I don't remember the exact quote). For you, Tricia, you gotta do what you gotta do. The only thing I would say would be to ask you to wait before you jump, and make sure you are jumping in the right direction. Take it slow and easy. I have always felt that a person can have a good life just about anywhere, you make this for yourself out of what you are given. I know a lot of retirees who could not wait to "move" to someplace "better", and they find out later that they were just running away from themselves and it did not work. In retrospect, Peoria really wasn't as bad as they thought and the new place wasn't as good as they had hoped.
ReplyDeleteMoving can be great, new experiences are always great, and you are young yet. Just tread a bit cautiously and take your time.
PS: you were good Sunday despite what you may think. The only downside was our audio visual hotshots not having the church lights off for the video. Someone did you a dirty...it was a good video too and deserved to be better seen.