Depression: Pwnd!

I have been struggling with depression since late July.  Although really, I should say "struggled" because I have noticed a definite upswing the past two weeks or so.  In case anyone is wondering, yes, part of my blog hiatus is because of that...social withdrawal includes the interwebs, at least for me.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about it, first because of that honesty thing I yammer on about.  Unless I'm gravely mistaken, I doubt people look at me and think, "There's a girl who struggles with months-long depression every year or so (or possibly around major life changes)!"  So here I am publicly saying that I do, in case other people secretly struggle with the same sin and need encouragement that they are not alone.

And yes, I think depression is often a sin.  Always?  No.  But for me, it is, because my depression is inexorably linked to my distrust of God.

However, this bout of depression was at least a step better than others before it.  From the very beginning, I had this underlying peace.  I knew it would end.  I knew I could wait it out.  I knew that my Bible study would slowly and surely bring me back into a healthy relationship with God, and therefore with myself.  It is such a relief to know something awful will end, even if it doesn't make the bearing it any easier.  I like to think this means I am growing as a person.

What I really want to talk about is this side of my depression.  The coming out of it.  I can very clearly pinpoint what changed in my head and started me on the road to recovery.  I finally realized that it is good that I am in Peoria.  I realized that God wants me here.  I realized that I don't have to hurry and plan my whole life (thank you Rose Fitzgerald for consistently--and annoyingly-in-a-good-way--yelling at me "Be patient!").  I realized that God is directing my steps right here in the present, and that when it comes time for my steps to change, He'll let me know.

Basically, I learned to trust God.  (How many times do I have to relearn this lesson?)

So here's my life:

I love my job.  Yeah, I've not ever said that.  I haven't let myself full-out love my job, because it previously represented shackles binding me to a place I didn't want to be.  It seemed like defeat.  Not so--it is awesome!  I get to be a graphic designer, an interior decorator, a publicist, an entertainer, and a businesswoman.  I get to be creative and silly and friendly and alone.  I get to have ideas, and I have the power to put those ideas into action.  I get to help kids fall in love with books, which opens up worlds, and expands minds, and teaches morals that life might not have the opportunity to teach.

And I love Woodland.  I love that God has given me a church where I can pour myself out and be refilled.  I love leading the women's Bible study.  It is incredibly and totally awesome.  I love teaching the college Bible study, even though mostly I point at verses and incoherently shout "It's awesome!  Right here!  See!  See the awesome?  SO AWESOME!"  I love--well, okay, I kind of like teaching the junior Sunday School class.  Sometimes they make me want to bash my head in with a mallet.

All that would be incredibly draining, but then I get to be in two handbell groups, and I sing in the choir, and oh my word it's been so long since I could be musical!  And I have a church family who encourages me and loves me and pushes me to be more than I currently am.

God wants me in Peoria.  There are things I can do here to bring Him glory.  And that is all that matters in my life.  Whether I am in Japan or the Midwest, I can bring glory to God.  Whether I am surrounded by friends or am the only single person my age, I can bring glory to God.  Whether I am living independently or mooching off my parents' kindness, I can bring glory to God.

That's all God asks of me.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Tricia, your path is to do this and then in this year you will be here and meet this person and say this thing."  Nope, I was saved and given the Holy Spirit, brought into the family of God to live and suffer and grow and know joy, all to glorify God.  The rest is just details.

I Invade Abby's 15th Birthday

My last attempt at vlogging was widely discouraged, but apparently I didn't much care because I did it again.  I still don't have a desire to write blogs, but I need a creative outlet, and one day I couldn't contain myself.  Luckily the day was celebratory to begin with, and I just captured the magic and monotony.  What I really want is to be one half of a vlog relationship, a la the vlogbrothers on youtube.  Any takers?  Any?  *sigh*  I didn't think so.