The other day while we were swimming, Ketan asked if my tattoo hurt in the water. Oh, Ketan, why would anyone get a tattoo if the presence of H2O caused agony? Because the thing is, it's just skin now. There's a part of my wrist that is fancily darker than the rest of my skin, but mostly it's just part of me. I don't notice it all that much.
Which is unfortunate, because, well, the point of a tattoo was to notice it and think on it and have "courage, dear heart" shoved in my face on a regular basis. So I'm trying to do that.
But what does it mean? To be courageous? Pretty obvious when someone dies or you're confronted with a tough decision or something. But what about on a daily basis?
Today I woke up and wandered outside, where Amy and Liz were three hours into a garage sale. I went back to the air conditioning and read from a book a friend lent to me. Then I ate in the garage when Liz and her mom returned with breakfast tacos. A while later I helped store the unsold goods away and went to the pool with Liz for a couple hours. I laid out, and read some more, and talked a little. When we got home, we drank coffee and I read some more, and Liz's sister came over. They left, and I read some more, and I thought a lot, and I ate dinner.
Nothing today screamed, "OH FREAKING CRAP THIS IS TOO MUCH, TAKE COURAGE, DO IT NOW, YOU NEED COURAGE!" Perhaps I should be living in such a way as to make this scenario a daily reality. I do think there's merit to pushing yourself outside your comfort zone so you will rely on God and exercise courage.
But I think God is in the daily minutiae too. He's in the books I read and the interactions with my roommates and the comments I leave on social media sites. I mean, that's pretty boring, and while it might be true, I don't necessarily need courage.
The problem is, I'm an introvert. I like slow, predictable, small groups of people with whom I am deeply intimate, preferably within the walls I call home. For years I felt like a loser Christian, because I had friends who did everything and always complained (bragged) about being "spent for the Lord" and I thought, "oh no, God, am I not doing enough for you?"
And probably the answer is yes. Are any of us ever doing enough? No, that's wrong. Nothing is "enough" because God doesn't need "enough." But we can always do more. We can always deepen our love for God and the people He created, and that deeper love can always inspire us to serve more and care more and learn more. So sure, God can use me to do more. But it's not necessary. And more to the point, I don't think God uses all people in the same way.
I read a lot. This is not news. I sometimes feel guilty about it, though, how much time of my day I devote to my brain. But sometimes I get this image of God pouring stories and information into my head, all of which trickles out through my mouth and my fingers. Maybe I'm just one of those people that God uses to fill up with ideas and compassion so that when I interact with people not so crazy about reading, I can say, "Hey! Here's a consolidation of the last novel I read, blog I keep track of, a random quote, and something my professor said. You don't have time to take all that in, so here's a sound bite." Sometimes those sound bites stick. Sometimes all the thinking I do rubs off on others.
Liz came home yesterday and said her coworker called Liz a feminist. She wanted to tell me because she knew I'd be proud, and I was! When I first met Liz, she was skeptical about the term and the movement, but as I've wrestled with my opinions and become passionate and outspoken, she's warmed to it. I doubt she'll ever be as crazy as me, but now she cares.
That's it, I think. I'll be the crazy one, and my insane passion will spill over into other people's lives so that a new way of thinking or feeling or considering will grow in them.
And it takes courage to be crazy. Hahaha. I'm reaching, because I want to tie the end of this post back to the beginning, but the more I think about it, the truer it seems. It takes courage to be passionate, and to lose yourself in "fantasy" without caring that others think you're wasting your time. Maybe I am. I mean, I'm definitely not perfect. But God redeems everything, and if my love for reading is boring and a time-suck and wasteful, well, I'm grateful that He uses it anyway. So maybe by "courage, dear heart" my tattoo really means, "don't worry, Tricia, I've got You covered."
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