There is so much going through my head lately, but some things I don't want the interwebs to know, and most things I'm still processing. However, I feel a weird obligation to update this blog (it's hard to let go of an 8-year habit) so. What to talk about?
I love my connection group at church. We all stood around and talked for half an hour in the sanctuary after service yesterday, and then we got together for three hours for dinner and discussion at night. One of the things we talked about is something I've been processing. This isn't complete by any means, but here's the short story.
Back to my martyr's complex. This is what God is currently killing in me, I think. There are many facets to this weird thing in me (it's not SO weird, unfortunately, I think it's strongly bound up in my legalistic background), but one aspect is the fact that I feel guilty when I love things a lot.
That sounds ridiculous, but I have examples of how I became this way. For instance, during one of my Harry Potter fanatical days, I was going on and on at church, and a woman I super respect gave me a snarky look and said, "Just make sure you don't love Harry Potter more than God!" And. That made a huge impression. Add to that numerous sermons and youth group lessons about idols, and how the things we love most in the world are often idols, and I've developed a severe case of turrets ("Oh, I love that! BUT NOT AS MUCH AS GOD").
And yes, things can become idols. But I don't think it happens nearly so often as we assume, and I don't actually think that's the idolatry God was talking about in the ten commandments anyway (side story, for later maybe). There is a lot of good in the world, and I think God wants us to love it unreservedly. Indeed, there is a good chance that by not seeking out the beautiful and loving it, we are dishonoring the God who gave it to us.
I think God wants me to be passionate, to love overmuch, to smile and giggle and talk incessantly about the things that I'm fond of. God is always first in my heart. I've realized that lately, that even though I suck at keeping quiet times and I'm no longer so concerned with a "good girl" facade, I love God. In moments of stillness, my mind goes to Him. God and me, we're long term. And He is such a generous lover that He showers me with gifts and stories and beauty and nerdy fandoms. It would be an insult to ignore them. And I don't need to remind Him that "thanks, but I love you most!" HE KNOWS. We're solid.
I'm learning so much about living in grace. It's completely wonderful.
Trish, I cannot imagine that you would let something in this world that you find good become a replacement for God. You are already closer to Him than most folks I know.
ReplyDeleteGod created all things, and surely He is disappointed by the way so many Christians disparage the enjoyable things that He made. Where in scripture does it say we are supposed to avoid enjoyment? Where does it say we should not appreciate the many things that God provides for us? Where does God tell us that suffering and deprivation are superior to enjoying His creation? As long as we keep Him as our only God and acknowledge Him as such, surely He does not expect us to dress in sackcloth and ashes.
I hope your martyr's complex goes away forever! You and God, like you say, you're solid.