Dating

Years ago when I lived with the Hughes family, Jennie said she admired how I'd handled dating and boys and that she hoped I would influence Hannah.  I should have laughed in her face, because I'm the most neurotically unhealthy single person I know.  I won't argue that I haven't learned things or avoided potentially hurtful relationships.  But reaching the age 24 without ever going on a date is not like, some higher way of singleness.  It is a way.  But I don't think it is better or even preferred.

I'd been thinking about this a lot lately.  I have a roommate who is very open to dating and meeting new guys and being honest.  The other three of us stare at her in wide-eyed awe and confusion.  Because of her and a few other things, the last month or so has fostered a building pressure inside me, part of me desperate to stop being so single, and the rest of me confused as to how to change anything.  In the end, before I left Texas for Peoria, I decided to melodramatically confess my affection for a guy I've liked for a while.

However, when I got to Peoria, I discovered another guy I've been fond of was home as well.  I thought, "Why not?" so I asked him out via text.  This is obviously the swankiest way to express interest in another human being.  He said yes and planned a double date.  It was fun and also anti-climactic.  When I rehashed everything with Liz later, she said, "I think that's what dating mostly is."  It's fine.  I'm grateful.  I got to date someone I like, but I didn't have to deal with all the messy feelings of being overly invested or wondering what would happen next. 

All those feelings were for the original guy, the one I'd planned on confronting with melodrama and planned speeches.  We hung out, like friends, like usual.  While giving relationship advice, Roy asked, "Do you ever feel romantic energy from him?" and I don't.  Being with him is fun and lovely, and I don't think he feels what I feel.  But then I thought, "Who cares?"  I'm tired of melodrama.  I'm tired of living in a junior high mentality that is constantly reading the situation, wondering what the other person is thinking and agonizing over every move or touch.

So on Sunday, I cornered him.  I said

Me:  If I asked you to be my date to a wedding in June, what would you say?
Him:  Maybe.  I don't know what I'm doing in June.
Me:  Well, consider yourself pre-asked.

And that was it.  A tiny step, a little honesty.  It wasn't fireworks or angry tears, and THANK GOODNESS.  That's the only way I know how to frame romance, and it is exhausting and terrifying.  I'm learning to think of boys as people, and my feelings as legitimate and worth being expressed.  If I tell someone I like them, and they say, thanks but no thanks, so what?  It's no different than not saying something and therefore not dating them.  But at least I feel better about myself.

It was a big week, I guess I'm saying.  I feel like I've taken a measurable step toward adulthood.  Not because I dated someone, or spoke up a little to someone I like, but because I was honest about my feelings.

Yay me.