Reorienting. Refocusing.

Tomorrow the Woodland team and I are going to talk about Senegal during church.  (It's only been two weeks since I left Senegal.  How weird is that?  SO WEIRD.)

So while I postponed preparing my mini-speech, I read this little story thing I'd been writing about my first trip to Senegal.  And that led me to my original Senegal blog, and it kind of broke my heart.  I was so into God.  I was deliberately seeking Him, and I was expecting to find Him and to find answers.  The world was shiny and new, and I saw God everywhere and in every event.

I miss that.

I used to sit around with Liz and talk about the Holy Spirit and giving up fear and stepping out of comfort zones.  Now I sit around and talk about boys (stupid boys! the lack thereof in Senegal is still one of its most attractive qualities) and jobs and everyday menial life.  Ugh.  I want the fire back.  I want that passion.  And it's not even a mystery as to why I don't have it now.

I don't have desperation.

The speaker at the Senegalese Missionary Women's Retreat talked about living in the United States after 17 years of missionary service, and just breaking down one day because she realized she wasn't desperate for God.  Why am I in the United States when that is my problem too?  Why are we all so content to sit at home?  To have stuff?  Ugh, to go to Black Friday deals!  I went shopping, and I was so giddily excited about buying a Wii for the library, because it wasn't my money.  The joy of spending money for the sake of spending money is still materialism!  I am still so far from where I want to be.

I want to live in a place where materialism is just not even an issue.  I want to live in a place where there are far bigger spiritual lessons to be learned.  I want to think about God and His attributes and let that inform my life and my choices, not the other way around.

And yes, of course I can think about God in the US.  The speaker even said that the lesson she learned is that you can choose to be desperate.

But it is far easier to be desperate outside of your comfort zone than inside it.

Anyway.  I didn't mean to get all emotional and ranty.  The point of this is, is that I've contacted Gany, and I'm opening up the possibility of visiting her in Mongolia and seeing her church's orphanage, and making those steps towards missions again.  It's all very basic, and I haven't heard back from her.  But I liked what a woman said in Wendy's and my workshop...she said in her life, she is pushing on life doorways and seeing which ones open, and which ones God closes.

I'm pushing a door.  We'll see what happens.