Lesson Learned. Kind of.

I should have been prepared.  God taught me a lesson about making room for trials and pain, and about using those times to unmask my soul and see who I really am and what I really desire.  Of course He was teaching me because I was going to have to put it into practice.  I should be grateful for the heads-up, but mostly I feel stupid.  And pained.

A while ago I met a boy, and as I do, I immediately thought he was The One.  Which is silly, because I don't believe in The One.  (OH wait, look, there's me finding out some soul stuff.)  Anyway, I quite liked him, and he colored a picture and left it for me, which, can I just say, is cocaine to someone whose love language is gifts.  I didn't check him out on the internet because I wanted our relationship to grow naturally.  Well, screw that!  Turns out Mark Zuckerberg reinvented social networking for a reason, and the reason is this:  so that you can find out when cute nice guys are already engaged.

Seriously, I think I'm going to start a petition to stop Christian guys from being so annoyingly friendly, for the sake of poor sods like myself who are absolutely terrible at reading "signals."  Whatever those are.  Ugh.

And I shouldn't really be that upset, because I only knew the guy for two hours.  What really gets me is all the soul-baring that this has caused me to confront.  Because the fact that I jumped to marriage and happily-ever-after with a guy of mere acquaintance?  That's important.

I am still, apparently, a romantic.  There is this deep need within me to love and be loved by someone else.  I've tried to bury it under knowledge (because yeah!  I know that marriage is about 20x harder than being single!) and pride (because yeah!  I don't need a guy to complete me!).  But the truth is, regardless of whether I need a guy or not, and I truly don't think I NEED one...the truth is I want one.

Which makes me feel awful, because I really really want to get to a place where I only desire love from God.  I don't understand how to balance the in-born relational needs God placed in me with the call to completely and totally devote my life to God.

I don't know.

I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm disappointed in the world.  If I really am a pathetic sad sap, then that sucks, because there are no boys for Tricia in the world.  I have very high standards, and the few that meet them have already been taken or are not age appropriate.  Annoying, I say!

I'm not sure what to do with this new self-knowledge.  It doesn't change anything.  I'm still single, and still pursuing a meaningful life wherever God leads me.  What does it matter if now I know beyond a doubt that my soul would prefer not to stay single forever?  Well, at least I'm a bit more honest with myself.  Too bad it was easier to be self-confident and singley-assured.