I don't know why I write about this so much, when it's not like the issue of marriage is of any relevant concern to my life. But even though it looks like I will be remaining single for quite a while yet, I have some more thoughts on my own vacillating opinion of marriage.
1) During the church mission trip, I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with a young woman who is serving as a career missionary. As she so wonderfully said when interrupting a purity class: "I'm 33 and still a virgin. I'm not sure what I can contribute." Anyway, seeing her was like seeing one of my future possibilities. And in almost every way, it was totally exciting. She is awesome, and she is committed to bringing God's Word to people who do not know it, and her own life is so obviously full of God's love and compassion.
But the thought of being single for the rest of my life? I don't know if I could handle it. I mean, if I had a best friend who I knew would stick by me, who would go where I went and stayed there with me...that'd be great. That person doesn't have to be male. But the huge benefit of marriage, and one of the only notable differences (yeah, I know about that sex thing, but it's not much of a draw right now), the only notable difference is the commitment. When you marry someone, you literally bind your life to theirs and theirs to yours. I like that forced, but accepted, choice to live your life with someone else.
2) On the other hand, marriage still terrifies me, and I figured out a new reason why. I am worried that getting married would make it a lot harder to avoid the American dream. I do not want to get a big house. I do not want to put money into a savings account so we can retire early. I do not want the white picket fence and the lazy happy comfortable life.
It seems much harder to avoid it when married. Because inevitably there are kids, and then people will shower you with presents and toys, and how do you remain non-materialistic? And there are so many more expectations to shoot down, because everyone expects married couples to be on a certain life trajectory--the American dream.
And anyway, it seems almost impossible to find someone who wants the same things as me. The other day I thought about starting to set money aside for adopting kids, because I know it's crazy expensive and I might as well start now. How many guys would not be creeped out by that? I don't know, maybe I'm condescending toward the male species.
Even if I found someone who wanted to be a career missionary and adopt lots of kids from different places and live non-materialistically.....I'm still scared of marriage. I've never had a lifelong friend. I don't know if I can do that kind of relationship.
But whatever! Don't have to deal with this yet. Wish I could escape to another country where I will not be distracted by boyfriend-but-not-husband-material males. Too bad it doesn't look like God will be doing that for awhile.
Tricia, I have to be blunt. You may never speak to me again, but I have to say this. When I hear you say that you are afraid of marriage because you will get sucked into the American Dream, I think you are just afraid of responsibility.
ReplyDeleteIn these economic times, most newly marrieds are nowhere near the American Dream, they are just trying to keep their heads above water and keep the kids fed and clothed. Not many have "the big house, money in a savings account, white picket fence and a lazy comfortable life." They have an old unreliable car, a crappy apartment and bills coming out of their ears. That American Dream is not reality for most. But they do not abdicate their responsibilities, they plug on, they work, they worry, they do their best. They raise kids and try to give them better than they had. They sacrifice and toil and suffer heartbreak and frustration. This is how it is. This is life.
You hit the nail on the head when you said you wanted to escape to another country where you will not be distracted. Escape? Escape from what? Having to face reality? You cannot do that, it will follow you wherever you go.
I see your point, Tommy, but I'm going to have to stick by what I said. Even though most married couples struggle, they are struggling in order to achieve the American dream. I will just say that I want to live a different life than what I see most of my married friends living.
ReplyDeleteI will say that I am dubious of responsibility, but honestly, it's in a way where I look forward to it. I'm not scared of responsibility, not in a debilitating way. Just in a healthy way.
So I'm not offended, but I don't agree with your assessment. I've never liked living in America, and for several years now, I have wanted to escape American life. This is just another dose of that old feeling.
Tricia,
ReplyDeleteIf the man you want to marry gets creeped out by you setting aside money to adopt kids, and you still feel like you should adopt kids, I would say he's not the man you should marry.
I'm sure that was just kind of thinking out loud for you, but that was what I immediately thought.
Emily