Holy Discontent

I'm feeling rather discontented today. Part of this is normal I've-not-been-in-one-place-for-more-than-two-weeks-in-the-last-two-months emotion, but I think it is mostly God working in my heart, showing me that I am settling for far less than what He wants in my life.

Of course, I have very much enjoyed this last month of visiting my dear friends, getting caught up on their lives and celebrating the awesome relationships God has given me. But in the process I have started thinking thoughts like:

"Oh, he would make a lovely husband."

"What hair style would look best for my friend's wedding, and how can I avoid tan lines?"

"Where can I get a job that will make me happy?"

"I wonder how many TV shows I can cram into one evening?"

I do not think these are thoughts that glorify God or demonstrate a life of total abandonment to His call and His kingdom. They are wholly American thoughts, and I don't want to be an American. I am not supposed to act as though I am from this world, because God has taken me from my upbringing and my culture and set me in a wholly (and holy) different setting, one where God is the beginning and the end and the middle, and I am inconsequential except for how I glorify Him.

I'm ready to go somewhere. I want to be a missionary again. Yes, I know that there are things I need to do here in America, ways I can serve God in my hometown. But there are so many more temptations, and I can't help thinking the gut reaction to flee is a good one. Granted, my gut reaction is almost always "flee," but when I want to run toward discomfort and culture shock and social pain, I wonder if it's a good instinct right now.

I feel very lost at the moment. I don't know what God is going to do in my life. I don't know whether a family is going to be in my future, and if so, when. I don't know if I could handle being a missionary all by myself, without the social support that comes from a husband and kids. I don't know if I will be so lucky as Senegal to work with other missionaries who so easily fit into my life and personality.

But I want to move on. I am having a great time in America, no doubt about it. I absolutely and totally love being part of my Woodland family. There is nothing wrong with that, in itself. But I am becoming more obsessed with my relationships with people instead of my relationship with God, and that is horrible and wrong and worthy of drastic action.

I do love God, and I thank Jesus for being my King, and I am awed by the work I see the Holy Spirit doing in my life. But not enough. Not nearly enough. The fact that I have gone a week without cracking my Bible, that I would rather read a book by a pastor than the Word of God, is awful. I want the love of God to completely consume me, and it's just not. I'm letting my old American self block the transformation God wants to work in me.

It seems easiest to transform when I'm outside my comfort zone. I'm too comfortable now.