Okay, loving God. I fear God more than I love Him. I have become a paranoid worrier over the last couple years. I think God wants to make a martyr out of me. I'm terrified of rape, muggings, violence, and murder. I'm scared God is going to let something really awful happen to me so that I'll glorify Him or something in the aftermath. I don't want to be an example! I want to live a happy life. And every time God moves me out of my comfort zone, such as to a new city, I worry that this is Him preparing me for something massively horrible in my future.
So the idea that God wants only good things for me? I just don't believe it. And it is incredibly difficult to love God when I'm constantly scared that He's setting me up for horror.
But I don't want to stay in that fear. Perfect love casts out fear, and I'd really like to 1) trust that God loves me perfectly, and 2) try to love God perfectly. As near as I can tell, one way to do that is to list all the good things God has done for me. I started this list with things like Rory, but since I had to give up Rory to follow God, that only made me more bitter. My new list consists entirely of things that are in Dallas.
1) Liz. After two years apart, we are immediate friends with no awkwardness or getting-to-know-you slowness. We just jumped right into life together. We love so many of the same things, and we get passionately invested in Olympic swimming relays, superhero movies, and our embarrassing lives. Being friends with Liz means laughing a lot, which is always a great thing.
2) Jess. My second roommate is a little snarky and a little crazy. She jams out to her music and tries to force its awesomeness down your throat. She values people's honesty and isn't afraid to call people out on their bullshit. I said that because she respects people who cuss, because it shows they are not trying to filter themselves. She is basically a grown-up me, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to bask in her DTS wisdom and her life-after-DTS wisdom.
3) Paisley. My third roommate is rarely home, but her dog is. Paisley is crazier than I prefer, and can make the most obnoxious noises. But after she's calmed down, she's very sweet. Right now she is curled up under my desk. I love having a pet in the house. She makes things seem more homey. And even when she's shrilly barking a greeting, it's nice to be greeted.
4) Writing. I hate not having a job that I'm good at or a church family that takes up half my week nights. I have a lot of free time when my housemates are all working. But it has given me an opportunity to write! I've been seriously working on a project, and my goal is to have it finished by this week. This week! I've never finished a writing project. Not once, ever. And I know if I didn't have this free month, I wouldn't have done this one either.
5) Exercise. Along with the writing, I've been able to exercise during my long days at home. I'm horribly out of shape, but even 20 minutes of yoga makes me feel good, way deep inside where apparently my muscles are.
6) Jamba Juice and Chick-fil-a. It is marvelous living in a city where two of my favorite destination restaurants are within 20 minutes of home.
7) Living on my own. I'm grateful my parents let me live at home, but it is so fantastic to be on my own. I don't even know what the difference is, but I love it.
8) The Olympics. First, watching the Olympics all day and all night is a great way to bond with my housemates. Second, I just love the Olympics. I'm not much into sports, but for some reason I adore the biggest sporting event in the world. I love the athlete's stories. I love the intense battles for gold. I love the peaceful patriotism of cheering for USA. I love the global unity inherent in nations sending their citizens to run races and play games with the rest of the world, no matter what the political feelings between countries might be. I even love the stupid commercials that make my heart swell and maybe sometimes cause me to tear up a little. The Olympics is humanity at its best. I love it.
No comments:
Post a Comment