Omission

I've been side-eyeing God for a while, that is old news.  Church makes me think better thoughts, that is also old news.  But I'll share what I thought about yesterday anyway.

Stephanie bought me The Valley of Visions for my birthday, and it's a fantastic book of prayer poetry written by Puritans.  I get totally into the author's desire, and then he gets really self-hating.  Like, this dude is really in touch with his sin, and he absolutely loathes it.  I just don't get that.  For one thing, I'm very prideful.  I focus on the good things I do rather than the bad things.  For another thing, I just don't believe that any of the bad things I do are all that bad.  You can tell me until you turn blue that any one little sin is enough to cut off my relationship with God, and I'll believe you.  But it's hard for me to really hate my occasional lustful thoughts or insults.

Yesterday I thought about sins of omission.  The pastor I listened to said that our sole purpose in life is to make much of God.  Our identity is bound up in God, and all we have to do is talk about Him.  The pastor never at all went into rules or sins or anything.  It was all about glorifying the God who created and saved us.

I don't do that.  If I'm in a safe place, and if the conversation turns that way, then sure.  I'll talk about God.  But does my love for Him burst out of me the way I compulsively discuss Doctor Who or my latest books or a feminist study?  No.

When I think about my sins as all the times I could have mentioned God but didn't, well, they start to weigh a little heavy.  When I think of all the times I could have encouraged someone but didn't want to seem forward, I sinned.  When I let someone talk about their problems, and I don't mention God's peace and kindness, or offer to pray for them, or actually follow up and pray for them, I'm sinning.

 I may not DO a lot of awful things.  But I sure do MISS a lot of opportunities to do something good.  And I think those are the things God is most concerned about.  We are known to be his disciples because we love, not because we don't cuss.  I want to be a do-er, not a don't-er.

There's another problem with making much of God.  For our love of Him to spill out, we have to love Him.  A lot.  And I've already mentioned that I'm having trouble trusting, and therefore loving, God.  So I'm going to address that tomorrow.