Yup. Here's the Depression.

This morning was awful, saying goodbye to my mom and the Woodlanders.  Watching them drive away and return to life in Peoria without me was harder than I anticipated.  I spent the day alternating between productivity (I got a library card!  I organized my room to neatness!) and sadness that I had no one to share it with.

I have exactly one friend in Dallas, though she is definitely a great friend.  Gone is the easiness of church programs filling up my week.  Gone is randomly stopping by a friend's house because I'm in the area.  It will take me at least a year to build up even a passing resemblance to what I have at Woodland.

Which made me think:  Why am I doing this?  Why move nearly 1,000 miles away from my friends and family?

Because I felt like God led me here.

And you know what?  I hate that answer.  Last night I went to the Mission Serve celebration worship, and the pastor talked about the demoniac who asked, upon seeing Jesus, "Are you here to torment me?"  That's how I feel.  I feel like God has continually put me in new places with new friends, only to yank me away from them when the relationships get really deep.  It feels sadistic.

I know that there is a part of me that longs for change, who loves the newness of cities and people and jobs.  I cannot sort out how much of this move to Dallas is something I want and something I blame God for.  But I know that it is easier to blame God than acknowledge that I did this to myself.

I want to trust God again.  I want to love Him, to genuinely love Him from my heart rather than reciting facts and theories from my head.  I don't right now, and my persistent ignoring of Him is only hurting things.  But that's just it--I don't WANT to be close to God.  I don't want Him to win me over only to screw with my life.  So I'm ignoring Him, and have been for months.

This has happened before, and I'm resigned to believing that it will happen again.  I will choose to leave a group of people who are more family than friends, and it will hurt.  I think part of my desire to move frequently is to avoid getting attached.  I have this idea that my life will be frantic and mobile, so why not turn off emotions and never get too close to anyone?

I haven't gotten very good at that yet.