A couple days ago one of my college friends called me. He was one of those guys that I so admired, and we used to talk about theology and society and family. It had been a year since the last time he called, so we had a lot to catch up on. Still in awe of him, my life-story went like this.
"I'm still working at the library. I didn't expect to be there this long, but I like it! I'm really surprised how much I like it! I mean, I don't want to work there forever, but for now...its really fun. And I'm living with my parents, which is better than expected. I'm saving up money! That's always good! And they are nice. I have a cat...and....life is good!"
Do you hear the apologies in every sentence? Urgh, I did, but they kept coming out like that.
Then he proceeded to tell this horror story of health problems and culture shock and sacrifice, all laced with declarations that God was working in his pain, and that he felt closer to God than he had for a long time.
To which I said, "Oh! Good...for you!"
I remember when I could tell stories like that.
I've been thinking about this for awhile (plus conversations with a missionary friend, plus a recent sermon), and I'm just now having coherent thoughts about what it means and what I'm meant to understand.
1. I'm not looking for God in my life. In college, my friends and I would sit around so pretentiously (only it wasn't, we were genuine and man, I miss that feeling of passion) talking about how God was working in our classes, our relationships, our plans for the future.
Now I just live. Because I have routine, because there aren't looming uncertainties in my present or my future, I don't look for God. When I pray or read my Bible, it doesn't feel like there's a purpose. Which leads me to my second realization.
2. I am so ashamed of my life right now. When I jumped on the missions bandwagon, I maybe forgot there were any other paths. I thought, and think, that intentional missions, involving travel and sacrifice and all those stereotypical missiony things, is the only way to grow in God. And I have precedent. The times in my life when I look to God and am willing and wanting to learn from Him are when I'm on mission trips to Senegal or Mongolia or Turkey.
I don't know how to seek after God with a regular job and a church to attend three or more times a week. No matter how many times I tell myself I am serving God by teaching Sunday School or Bible study or Teamkids, I don't feel it. And...I just had a third realization.
3. I skate by. I'm naturally pretty decent at things, so I rarely have to try. If something necessitates trying, more often than not, I quit. If I'm okay at something, I almost never pursue perfection. I've thought that I could do more at church, deepening relationship and sacrificing my time to get into someone else's life. But...I don't. Because that takes extra work, and isn't the hour I spend teaching enough? People certainly praise me for it, so I'm content.
I did the same thing in Senegal. But because I gave up my friends and family and comfort to go do something half-heartedly, it felt like something special.
4. So what now? Wait, I think. Jonathan taught that God can take years and years to teach his disciples something very basic and very important. I'm one year in. I'm very slowly learning something. And I trust that when I come out of this weird transition, I'll be stronger and more integrated, and better prepared to serve God and love Him in any situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment