I like to post Facebook statuses that are mildly insulting of marriage or children and see how long it takes before someone says, "Oh, but really it's SO GREAT." My favorite was when I mentioned how hard motherhood would be for me since I am used to getting paid for watching kids, and someone responded, "But when they're your own you just won't care!"
I'm sorry, but. Isn't it the new American dream to get paid for something you love? Loving kids has nothing to do with it. I love watching TV, but I would definitely enjoy getting paid for every episode I watch.
It feels conspiratorial. Everyone knows marriage is not 100% awesome. Everyone knows raising kids is not 100% awesome. So when people say that it IS great all the time, all I can do is give them the side-eye and assume they are hiding something. Yes, I'm a cynic. But I'm also studying counseling, and I know how many ways relationships can go wrong.
It's also annoying, because people say things like, "Marriage teaches you sanctification more than anything else!" or "Being a parent has really helped me understand God's heart for us!" You might not mean it this way, but all I hear is, "Because you're single, you simply won't be as godly or love as unconditionally as us married parents!"
Today I think I glimpsed a bit into what these people mean. I took the kiddos to piano, and while Ketan was in lessons, Anju was doing theory near me. She asked me to help, and I told her to look back in her book for examples. She started crying, and cold-hearted bastard that I am, I intoned, "I understand that you're upset, but I gave you my advice. If you don't want to take it, you don't have to. But I'm not going to help you just because you're crying." She kept crying. Ketan came out to check on her. The teacher came out to check on her. I sat there, immovable. When the teacher said she could give it a rest until next week, I moved to another part of the lounge.
And immediately felt guilty. I should apologize, I thought. I'll do it when Ketan goes to Boy Scouts. I should do it now. She might not remember why as clearly if I wait. So I sucked up my pride, and knelt in front of the chair she was in.
"Anju, I'm sorry for not comforting you when you were upset earlier. I'm in kind of a bad mood because Ketan didn't feel well earlier, and I'm stressed because I have a midterm tomorrow. I took out my bad mood on you, and I shouldn't have. I care about you, and I'm sad that you were upset. Okay?"
She nodded sagely. "Can I hug you?" I asked. She nodded again. I hugged her, and she whispered, "That hurts my shoulders." So I rocked back on my heels, grasped her shoulders in a arms-length dance-hug, and said, "How about this?" and stared wistfully into her eyes. She giggled a little, and smiled, so I went back to my seat.
What I learned is this. You have to learn to apologize with kids because YOU ARE THE ONE SCREWING THEM UP. When you ignore adults, sure, you might be solidifying their distrust of relationships, but with kids, you are the one forming them to be distrustful. That's a lot of pressure. Also, kids are freaking annoying when they are in bad moods. They have not yet learned how to suck it up and put on a fake smile. So you have to apologize quickly to defuse their tantrum bomb.
I still don't think that parents have some magical insight into the mind of God. What I think is that we all need to be investing ourselves in people of all ages, sexes, races, and relationships. We can learn how to forgive, or be patient, or love unconditionally no matter our marital status. It just takes getting outside of ourselves and being in relationship with others.
In this case, it involved a child. But it doesn't always have to.
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