Levels of Friendship

Random:  one of my eyes is crazy red.  It creeps me out, and it's been like that for three days now.  Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think of Natalie Portman in the preview for Black Swan, and I want to die a little.  It was fun for a day, now I am tired of it.

So.  I get lonely in Peoria, which has frustrated me before, because why?  I have way more friends here than Jackson.  All the families at Woodland that are dear and close, and I can be stupid and myself with them.  But it just isn't enough, I guess, and I finally figured out why.

I miss having best friends.  Stephanie, Jennie, Erin.  I could tell them anything--my struggles, my anger, my pride.  I could be sad around them, and mopey, and I could ignore them, and they would still like me the next day.

I don't have friends in Peoria that I can be depressed with.  I don't see anyone often enough to let myself express my depression (whenever it hits) because I don't want to waste any time.  So I plaster on a smile, and really, it ends up being great, but as soon as I leave all those bad feelings come back.

Probably I could have close friends again.  Lindsay and I have had some nice talks, but our work schedules are obnoxious, so we can't hang out often.  (Which is why I selfishly am Team Lindsay Gets A New Job.)  Sometimes I share more of myself with Wendy, but the fact that I am friends with her children will always add a layer of awkwardness to certain conversations.  Emily and I talk a lot, when she's here.  But that's not often.

Anyway, all that to say I get lonely here.  On Christmas Eve I was feeling it hard core, and it was just really an awful night.  But Christmas morning I saw a facebook message from Stephanie that positively made my week.

She wants to come to Mongolia with me!  I wanted someone to come with me, but I wanted it to be a God thing, not a me-coercing-someone thing.  And it's STEPHANIE.  We will have so much fun.  That is two to three weeks when I can hang out with my best friend in a new country serving God.  PERFECT.

And she asked if we could memorize Scripture together, which is lovely because I can't do that with David anymore, because it feels too intimate.  And she is coming to visit in January.  And I am already thinking of all the videos we can make, and all the conversations we can have, and all the places I can take her, and all the people I want her to meet.

I miss my best friend.  I'm so glad she is still my best friend.  We have known each other two years, and we have lived in different states (or countries) longer than we've lived in the same.  Which, to me, means our friendship is pretty awesome, because we are both aware of our (normally) horrible ability to keep in touch long distance.

So this is happy.  I love my Peoria friends.  I wish I had deeper friendships here.  But I'm so glad God brought back/reminded me that just because my best friends don't live here, doesn't mean they can't have a huge part of my life.

Up with the happy.