Two of my favorite things in life have to do with escaping life: books and travel. If I think about that too much it is worrying. Good thing I'm not going to!
Instead, I'm focusing on how excited I am to be looking directly at several months of funtimestraveljamsessions! Next week I'm headed to Peoria for the weekend. Later in June I'm going to Tennessee for a Senegal reunion. In July I'm flying to Seattle to see my brother. In August I'm back to Peoria for another wedding. Nothing in September, but then in October, I'm going to Maryland to visit Elizabeth!
Small tip, if we are friends and you say, "You should come visit me sometime!" I will take that crap seriously. Elizabeth did that after a couple days of analyzing The Great Gatsby, and within 24 hours I had bought a plane ticket. Apparently she lives very near F. Scott Fitzgerald's grave, and I'm so excited!! That's weird, right? I don't know. I just love me some Fitzgerald.
Four states in five months. If I throw in Texas, because I live here, that's five states in five months, which sounds much more impressive. I've just decided to give into wanderlust all the time and not try to grow past or deny this need I have to GO and SEE and EXPERIENCE. Those are human desires, I think, and not entirely bad. So long as I also appreciate what I have while I have it.
"Hold me fast, hold me fast, cause I'm a hopeless wanderer...
I will learn, I will learn to love these skies I'm under."
Oh, Mumford & Sons. I love you (AND I'M GOING TO SEE YOU IN ELEVEN DAYS OH MY WORD MY LIFE).
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Maybe If I Talk About It I Won't Feel So Depressed
Blogging Every Day Guidelines (Kind Of)
Yesterday, I stood at the balcony outside the kids' capoeira lesson, and I thought, "I wish I weren't alive." Which is when it hit me that for the last couple weeks, I've been experiencing depression. Knowing that, and giving my emotions that label, made everything better. This has been a weird stretch of depression--I told Liz a few days ago that when I look at each moment of my life individually, it's awesome. But when I step back, I get very sad. I didn't really know why.
Here are some explanations.
I've finished my first year of school. While it's awesome to be mentally free, I miss having a purpose and a goal. I can only be aimlessly lazy for a couple days. The long stretches of free time were wearing on me. But depression makes me seek solace in being alone, which only exacerbates this problem.
I've not been intentional in my relationship with God. Turns out most of my growth this past year is wholly dependent on seminary. Which is great! But I need some takeaway skills for summer and well, the rest of my life. Unfortunately, depression also makes me avoid God, so again, problem exacerbated. Depression is a bitch!
Other stuff. Everyone is leaving. Boooo. Michal Ann was awesome, and she moved to Austin in December. Which isn't so bad, but I kind of planned on spending weekends visiting her, only now she's spending a couple months in Turkey. And Liz is moving out, which SUCKS, and I hate finding a new roommate, and her family is all here, which is great, but I MISS HER, and I just want to hog all her time to myself. But paradoxically, stupidly, I hole up in my room instead of spending time with her, because DEPRESSION IS OBNOXIOUS.
More people left. Chad and Melissa were my comfort blankets at Trinity, and they invited me into their small group, and I helped them move (the first time), and I loved them! But now they're in West Virginia. In order to share my sadness and find comfort from similarly bereft people, I....skipped church last week to avoid not seeing them. Shall I reiterate how awful depression is, how it makes people abandon the very things that would help?
Having my church world rocked made me think back to Woodland, and since it's summer, I am desperately missing family mission trips. I long for pool fights, and breakfasts in motels with random church members, and wearing scrubby work clothes, and sweating with my friends, and complaining and laughing and learning and bonding. UGH. My face just made that awful "I'm about to cry oh crap shut that down" face.
Why do I keep leaving the people and the places that make me feel safe?
Which is another thing. My mental state is AWFUL. I'm confused about a lot of deeply important issues, and I hate not having an opinion. I hate being confronted with the fact that life is bigger than I imagined. I want my little boxes, darn it!
And I just, I have this feeling that there are some really deep-seated psychological issues I need to work through, only free counseling is in four months and I don't want to spend money I don't have, and I'm scared to go to counseling as much as I long for it. I'm scared what I'll learn about myself. I'm scared what I'll have to do with that knowledge. I'm scared to admit how broken I am. I don't want to think about any of that!
Whew.
That covers--a lot of it?
It might seem weird to say after all of that, but today was actually a really great day. Anju and Ketan are done with school. We spent a couple hours at the library, which was lovely, and then we went to a fun zone park with mini golf and go-karts. I've never been on a go-kart before, but it was SO FUN. So I got to do something new, and feel the sun, and laugh and cuddle with these awesome kiddos.
Like I said, moment by moment, I really love my life. There are just a lot of things circling around that wear at me and chew at my soul.
If anyone else ever feels like that, I VERY MUCH recommend Hyperbole and a Half's comic about depression. She nailed it. Sometimes it's just nice to feel understood and not so alone.
Yesterday, I stood at the balcony outside the kids' capoeira lesson, and I thought, "I wish I weren't alive." Which is when it hit me that for the last couple weeks, I've been experiencing depression. Knowing that, and giving my emotions that label, made everything better. This has been a weird stretch of depression--I told Liz a few days ago that when I look at each moment of my life individually, it's awesome. But when I step back, I get very sad. I didn't really know why.
Here are some explanations.
I've finished my first year of school. While it's awesome to be mentally free, I miss having a purpose and a goal. I can only be aimlessly lazy for a couple days. The long stretches of free time were wearing on me. But depression makes me seek solace in being alone, which only exacerbates this problem.
I've not been intentional in my relationship with God. Turns out most of my growth this past year is wholly dependent on seminary. Which is great! But I need some takeaway skills for summer and well, the rest of my life. Unfortunately, depression also makes me avoid God, so again, problem exacerbated. Depression is a bitch!
Other stuff. Everyone is leaving. Boooo. Michal Ann was awesome, and she moved to Austin in December. Which isn't so bad, but I kind of planned on spending weekends visiting her, only now she's spending a couple months in Turkey. And Liz is moving out, which SUCKS, and I hate finding a new roommate, and her family is all here, which is great, but I MISS HER, and I just want to hog all her time to myself. But paradoxically, stupidly, I hole up in my room instead of spending time with her, because DEPRESSION IS OBNOXIOUS.
More people left. Chad and Melissa were my comfort blankets at Trinity, and they invited me into their small group, and I helped them move (the first time), and I loved them! But now they're in West Virginia. In order to share my sadness and find comfort from similarly bereft people, I....skipped church last week to avoid not seeing them. Shall I reiterate how awful depression is, how it makes people abandon the very things that would help?
Having my church world rocked made me think back to Woodland, and since it's summer, I am desperately missing family mission trips. I long for pool fights, and breakfasts in motels with random church members, and wearing scrubby work clothes, and sweating with my friends, and complaining and laughing and learning and bonding. UGH. My face just made that awful "I'm about to cry oh crap shut that down" face.
Why do I keep leaving the people and the places that make me feel safe?
Which is another thing. My mental state is AWFUL. I'm confused about a lot of deeply important issues, and I hate not having an opinion. I hate being confronted with the fact that life is bigger than I imagined. I want my little boxes, darn it!
And I just, I have this feeling that there are some really deep-seated psychological issues I need to work through, only free counseling is in four months and I don't want to spend money I don't have, and I'm scared to go to counseling as much as I long for it. I'm scared what I'll learn about myself. I'm scared what I'll have to do with that knowledge. I'm scared to admit how broken I am. I don't want to think about any of that!
Whew.
That covers--a lot of it?
It might seem weird to say after all of that, but today was actually a really great day. Anju and Ketan are done with school. We spent a couple hours at the library, which was lovely, and then we went to a fun zone park with mini golf and go-karts. I've never been on a go-kart before, but it was SO FUN. So I got to do something new, and feel the sun, and laugh and cuddle with these awesome kiddos.
Like I said, moment by moment, I really love my life. There are just a lot of things circling around that wear at me and chew at my soul.
If anyone else ever feels like that, I VERY MUCH recommend Hyperbole and a Half's comic about depression. She nailed it. Sometimes it's just nice to feel understood and not so alone.
Blogging Every Day Project
After reading Happier at Home, I decided to blog once a day
for the month of June, but the idea got me so excited I can't wait!
I've gotten in a rut with this thing, because I've felt self-obligated
to only write fully formed thoughts about opinions
and boring crap like that. That's what I do for school! I need a
place to verbally vomit my feelings. And giving myself free rein to do
that is exhilarating! I'll be surprised if I keep myself to only one post per day, to be honest.
And full disclosure, I'm not going to censor myself much? Because this is verbal vomit. And I want a space on the Internet where I can be myself, so expect some cussing. Sorry if it bothers you! Feel free not to read.
And full disclosure, I'm not going to censor myself much? Because this is verbal vomit. And I want a space on the Internet where I can be myself, so expect some cussing. Sorry if it bothers you! Feel free not to read.
The Big O
Most men and women associate sex with orgasm. Sex that doesn't end in an orgasm can feel incomplete or even pointless. This is especially true for men, but women are not immune to the desire for "the big O."
Which is problematic, since orgasms are not guaranteed. Worse, sometimes the preoccupation with orgasms can detract from the true purpose of sex. With this in mind, perhaps we ought to start thinking of "the big O" as not Orgasm, but Oneness.
Women are less likely than men to orgasm. Partly this is biological. In the heat of sexual activity, it takes a man approximately 2-4 minutes to ejaculate. It takes women anywhere from 10-45 minutes. There's a French saying that says, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men." Oftentimes couples are not educated on biological and individual sex differences, including what it takes to fully arouse their spouse.
On top of that, women (especially in the Church) have internalized a lot of shame when it comes to sex. We are taught to fear our bodies, both for how we might cause our brothers to sin and for how we might be abused because of our femininity. This is tragic. Although men and women ought to take care to think of other people's needs and frailties, men are much stronger than women give them credit for. Men can control themselves, and we ought to teach and model how to do so. But I'm digressing. What I'm trying to talk about is orgasms. Because of shame and repression, women often think they don't need to orgasm like a man does, or that something is wrong with them if they desire it.
Nope. That should be worked through as a couple, and everyone should be able to share in the joy of an orgasm. But. Even though that ought to be a goal, it should not be the goal.
An obsession with orgasming hurts men as well. Especially with age, men take longer to become aroused and might find it more difficult to orgasm. This is normal, but when sex is equated with orgasm, a man's world feels like it's falling apart.
Orgasms are great, they ought to be celebrated and enjoyed, everyone should have them! But they are not what sex is about. Sex is about Oneness. It is about intimately, vulnerably, and playfully being with your spouse. Sex is not just about two bodies become one. It is about two fully realized individuals with bodies, souls, and spirits becoming one. Focusing on orgasms is all about the body. Focusing on Oneness views the spouse wholistically, as body, soul, and spirit.
When Oneness is the goal of sex, physical malfunctions are less of a big deal. The activity is less performance-driven and more process-driven. Every part of the experience can be enjoyed and savored without worrying about or hurrying toward a supposed "end." Seeking "the big O" of Oneness sets a couple up for long-lasting pleasure, joy, and satisfaction far more than seeking "the big O" of orgasm.
Which is problematic, since orgasms are not guaranteed. Worse, sometimes the preoccupation with orgasms can detract from the true purpose of sex. With this in mind, perhaps we ought to start thinking of "the big O" as not Orgasm, but Oneness.
Women are less likely than men to orgasm. Partly this is biological. In the heat of sexual activity, it takes a man approximately 2-4 minutes to ejaculate. It takes women anywhere from 10-45 minutes. There's a French saying that says, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men." Oftentimes couples are not educated on biological and individual sex differences, including what it takes to fully arouse their spouse.
On top of that, women (especially in the Church) have internalized a lot of shame when it comes to sex. We are taught to fear our bodies, both for how we might cause our brothers to sin and for how we might be abused because of our femininity. This is tragic. Although men and women ought to take care to think of other people's needs and frailties, men are much stronger than women give them credit for. Men can control themselves, and we ought to teach and model how to do so. But I'm digressing. What I'm trying to talk about is orgasms. Because of shame and repression, women often think they don't need to orgasm like a man does, or that something is wrong with them if they desire it.
Nope. That should be worked through as a couple, and everyone should be able to share in the joy of an orgasm. But. Even though that ought to be a goal, it should not be the goal.
An obsession with orgasming hurts men as well. Especially with age, men take longer to become aroused and might find it more difficult to orgasm. This is normal, but when sex is equated with orgasm, a man's world feels like it's falling apart.
Orgasms are great, they ought to be celebrated and enjoyed, everyone should have them! But they are not what sex is about. Sex is about Oneness. It is about intimately, vulnerably, and playfully being with your spouse. Sex is not just about two bodies become one. It is about two fully realized individuals with bodies, souls, and spirits becoming one. Focusing on orgasms is all about the body. Focusing on Oneness views the spouse wholistically, as body, soul, and spirit.
When Oneness is the goal of sex, physical malfunctions are less of a big deal. The activity is less performance-driven and more process-driven. Every part of the experience can be enjoyed and savored without worrying about or hurrying toward a supposed "end." Seeking "the big O" of Oneness sets a couple up for long-lasting pleasure, joy, and satisfaction far more than seeking "the big O" of orgasm.
Homosexuality*
*I know that homosexuality is becoming a pejorative term, I do not use it that way here. When I use the term "homosexuality," I use it for its original meaning, referring to one whose sexuality is directed toward the same sex as opposed to "heterosexuality," referring to one whose sexuality is directed toward the opposite sex. Throughout this article, however, I will try to use the terms "gay" or "queer," though I confess I am not fully certain what labels are preferred by the gay community! To be safe, I have tried to pair the more clinical terms "homosexuality" and "heterosexuality" as well as the more culturally loaded terms "gay" and "straight." I ask for forgiveness and instruction if I've gotten something wrong.
In today's cultural climate, it's nearly impossible to create a theology of sex without mentioning homosexuality (or bisexuality or transexuality). The church has a long history of staying silent on topics it does not understand or topics which it finds unseemly, and that silence is detrimental to our witness. However, I desperately don't want to talk about this. I am deeply non-confrontational, and this topic is one that will almost certainly make someone angry with me.
A Safe Conversation
With my insecurities in mind, I've decided to lay myself bare. I'm going to share my heart and my mind. I'll explain my motivations and my doubts. I'll ask you to accept my ignorance and my indecisions. I hope that by being so honest, you will understand me even if you do not agree with me. My hope is that honest and compassionate conversations can occur in which people on all sides of the gay/Christian dialogue can speak and be heard. This is my contribution.
Why I Want the Gay Community to be Correct
One of the most impactful moments of my Christian experience was when I realized God's instructions in the Bible were given for our benefit. A world full of people who don't lie, who give sacrificially to each other, who don't murder, and who submit to each other out of love sounds like a fantastic place to live. God's laws keep us from harming each other.
But what about two men who love each other? What about two women who want to commit to marrying each other? I don't understand how that harms anyone. There are homosexual behaviors that are harmful just as there are heterosexual behaviors that are harmful. But it seems to me that a committed monogamous relationship of love between two consenting adults is not inherently harmful just because both members of the union share the same sex organs.
I have seen this played out in family members who are openly gay and married. I love these family members, and I'm so grateful for the fun I have with them and the patience they have shown as my conservative family slowly processed a new kind of relationship. I don't see any evidence of their relationship being any more broken or sinful than any of my heterosexually married family members.
Similarly, I want those family members who are queer to feel loved and accepted. I want them to be right. I want them to be validated. I hate how they are sometimes treated, either with open hostility or with silent judgment. The reaction of the Church to an increasingly vocal gay community has been largely despicable. Men and women whom I normally respect have spoken with unthinking hatred, which has caused me to doubt what they say, even if there might be some truth to their words. Which leads me to...
Why I Want the Christian Community to be Correct
I am a Christian, and the Church has long affirmed homosexuality to be a sin. In creation before the Fall, God created one man and one woman who would intimately know each other sexually, emotionally, vocationally, and psychologically. After the Fall, everything God had created was broken and skewed, including sex. The result of the Fall is adultery, dominance, and historically, homosexuality. This is what I was raised to believe. This is what most of the men and women who display the grace and truth of Jesus Christ to me believe.
I also have to admit that I'm scared of the Church being wrong. If we admit that for 2,000 years we have misinterpreted the Bible and taught something false, there is a good possibility that more accusations and more doubts will follow. If our teaching on sex is wrong, what about the truly important things such as God's unfailing love and offer of salvation? How could the Church admit ignorance on one topic without opening the floodgates of disbelief?
A Sidenote
I am not queer. I do believe that Christians ought to have an informed worldview, and that lack of experience does not necessarily mean we have nothing to say. However, I am very aware that the complexity and depth of the conversation does not affect me the way it does gay, lesbian, bi, and transexual individuals. I sincerely hope my words are full of grace, not in any way cavalier because I do not have a personal stake in the matter.
This is Not a Discussion About Politics
I think the political topic of legalizing gay marriage is separate from my conversation about the morality of homosexuality.
In the interest of full disclosure, I support gay marriage. I do not understand the reasoning that allowing gay marriage somehow cheapens straight marriage. One of the most freeing things I've ever learned is that I only have the power to control myself. The state of my (hypothetical) future marriage will entirely rest upon myself and my husband. The two of us will demonstrate to the world how pure or debased our marriage is no matter what anyone else is doing in their marriage.
I also don't believe we live in a theocracy, nor do I want to. The United States of America is separate from the Kingdom of God. The only time I want to live in an enforced Christian society is with Jesus in charge. Any man or woman ruling a Christian society is doomed to eventual failure, because no matter how sanctified we are, all of us are still broken people living in a broken world.
We do not live in a theocracy, and I do not want to impose my morality upon others when the issue has nothing to do with safety.
Christian Morality is Not to be Imposed upon Non-Christians
The amazing centrality of Christian faith is that when someone places their trust in Jesus and decides to give their lives to Him, God's Holy Spirit will mysteriously indwell us, guiding us into deeper relationship with God, revealing our selfish ways and transforming our hearts into reflections of God's character. This is fantastic, and I love being on this journey with God, trusting in Him to give me a heart of compassion and humility.
But if we believe we are supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit, and yet still sin and act selfishly, how in the world can we expect non-Christians who, according to our theology, do not have God working in them to live by our morality? We can't, and we shouldn't.
Our first level of change must be ourselves. We have to be concerned with the state of our relationship with God, always diving deeper into His love and conforming our attitudes and actions to Him. I think we also have a responsibility to our Christian brothers and sisters. The great gift of the Church was given so that we might walk this difficult path of redemption alongside people who will support and encourage us. This means calling each other out when necessary and shouldering each other's burdens.
But we cannot force people who do not trust in Jesus to walk our path of self-sacrifice and abundant living. So the question comes down to this: as responsible for myself (who does not struggle with same-sex attraction) and my fellow Christians (who may or may not be queer), is homosexuality a sin?
The Bible Says Its Piece
I'll admit up front that this section is largely summarizing a chapter from Justin Lee's Torn. I'm not going to get into details because he already did so very nicely. What I want to say is that the Bible must always be interpreted. There are some issues, like God's holiness, justice, mercy, and love, that are consistently described, revealed, and discussed throughout both the Old and New Testaments. The doctrines of who God is and the salvation He provides through Jesus Christ are central to our faith. Without the saving death and resurrection of Jesus, we have no hope and nothing to offer the world.
However, there are other issues that are mentioned much less frequently. It is this category into which homosexuality falls. It is mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments, but in each instance, a case could be made that another sin is really on the line. Perhaps the act of gay sex was the sin, or perhaps it was inhospitality (Genesis 19) or idolatry (Romans 1). Translating Hebrew and Greek words for homosexuality are inherently interpretive as well. Even if the historical interpretations are true, it is unlikely that any of those events are referring to a monogamous committed relationship.
It is therefore difficult to definitively say homosexuality is definitely a sin according to the Bible. Men and women who are deeply committed to Jesus have interpreted the same verses in different ways. On the other hand, nowhere in the Bible are gay relationships spoken of positively. This silence combined with the previous verses might mean that homosexuality is a broken form of God's created sexuality.
Where I Stand
My emotions, motivations, and knowledge are all confused. I can argue myself into either position. The way I see people representing the gay community or Christian community sometimes makes me
support their position and sometimes makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Neither side seems to be consistently handling the situation well, and I don't know what to think.
And that, after years of thinking and rethinking, after this incredibly long article, is my opinion.
I don't know whether homosexuality is a sin or not.
The thing is, though, I don't mind not knowing. Whether or not a man can sexually love another man is such a tiny issue compared to what I believe truly matters. Gay or straight, we are not supposed to find our identity in our sexuality. If we have chosen to follow and obey Jesus Christ, our identity is found in Him alone. I am a Christian, and that identity overwhelms and envelopes my identities as a woman, an American, an academic, or a heterosexual.
What's more, I return to the promise of the Holy Spirit. I am confident that God knows what He desires for us, and that if a queer person is fully committed to serving Him, the Holy Spirit will work in that person's heart to transform him or her into the image of Christ. In my ignorance of this topic and my fear of the divisiveness it causes, I happily hand the responsibility over to God. I trust that He is powerful enough to do what He wants in His time and in His ways.
Where I Hope to Go From Here
Believe it or not, this post was originally much longer. I have so many things to say on this topic, and many times I ran down rabbit trails only to delete them before publication. This is, I think, enough of what I want to say to get my point across.
My desire is to live a life that glorifies God. This means aligning my will to His. This means sharing His offer of love and salvation to everyone so that others might love Him like I do. I want God to be worshiped because I truly believe He is the best. Anything that separates people from desiring a relationship with Him is dangerous, and I think the Church's reaction to the gay community has turned many people away from knowing Him.
I am comfortable in my doubts, because what I desire is for everyone to trust in Jesus and let their identity be formed in Him. When anyone, gay or straight, does that, I trust in God's power and love to transform them however He desires.
In today's cultural climate, it's nearly impossible to create a theology of sex without mentioning homosexuality (or bisexuality or transexuality). The church has a long history of staying silent on topics it does not understand or topics which it finds unseemly, and that silence is detrimental to our witness. However, I desperately don't want to talk about this. I am deeply non-confrontational, and this topic is one that will almost certainly make someone angry with me.
A Safe Conversation
With my insecurities in mind, I've decided to lay myself bare. I'm going to share my heart and my mind. I'll explain my motivations and my doubts. I'll ask you to accept my ignorance and my indecisions. I hope that by being so honest, you will understand me even if you do not agree with me. My hope is that honest and compassionate conversations can occur in which people on all sides of the gay/Christian dialogue can speak and be heard. This is my contribution.
Why I Want the Gay Community to be Correct
One of the most impactful moments of my Christian experience was when I realized God's instructions in the Bible were given for our benefit. A world full of people who don't lie, who give sacrificially to each other, who don't murder, and who submit to each other out of love sounds like a fantastic place to live. God's laws keep us from harming each other.
But what about two men who love each other? What about two women who want to commit to marrying each other? I don't understand how that harms anyone. There are homosexual behaviors that are harmful just as there are heterosexual behaviors that are harmful. But it seems to me that a committed monogamous relationship of love between two consenting adults is not inherently harmful just because both members of the union share the same sex organs.
I have seen this played out in family members who are openly gay and married. I love these family members, and I'm so grateful for the fun I have with them and the patience they have shown as my conservative family slowly processed a new kind of relationship. I don't see any evidence of their relationship being any more broken or sinful than any of my heterosexually married family members.
Similarly, I want those family members who are queer to feel loved and accepted. I want them to be right. I want them to be validated. I hate how they are sometimes treated, either with open hostility or with silent judgment. The reaction of the Church to an increasingly vocal gay community has been largely despicable. Men and women whom I normally respect have spoken with unthinking hatred, which has caused me to doubt what they say, even if there might be some truth to their words. Which leads me to...
Why I Want the Christian Community to be Correct
I am a Christian, and the Church has long affirmed homosexuality to be a sin. In creation before the Fall, God created one man and one woman who would intimately know each other sexually, emotionally, vocationally, and psychologically. After the Fall, everything God had created was broken and skewed, including sex. The result of the Fall is adultery, dominance, and historically, homosexuality. This is what I was raised to believe. This is what most of the men and women who display the grace and truth of Jesus Christ to me believe.
I also have to admit that I'm scared of the Church being wrong. If we admit that for 2,000 years we have misinterpreted the Bible and taught something false, there is a good possibility that more accusations and more doubts will follow. If our teaching on sex is wrong, what about the truly important things such as God's unfailing love and offer of salvation? How could the Church admit ignorance on one topic without opening the floodgates of disbelief?
A Sidenote
I am not queer. I do believe that Christians ought to have an informed worldview, and that lack of experience does not necessarily mean we have nothing to say. However, I am very aware that the complexity and depth of the conversation does not affect me the way it does gay, lesbian, bi, and transexual individuals. I sincerely hope my words are full of grace, not in any way cavalier because I do not have a personal stake in the matter.
This is Not a Discussion About Politics
I think the political topic of legalizing gay marriage is separate from my conversation about the morality of homosexuality.
In the interest of full disclosure, I support gay marriage. I do not understand the reasoning that allowing gay marriage somehow cheapens straight marriage. One of the most freeing things I've ever learned is that I only have the power to control myself. The state of my (hypothetical) future marriage will entirely rest upon myself and my husband. The two of us will demonstrate to the world how pure or debased our marriage is no matter what anyone else is doing in their marriage.
I also don't believe we live in a theocracy, nor do I want to. The United States of America is separate from the Kingdom of God. The only time I want to live in an enforced Christian society is with Jesus in charge. Any man or woman ruling a Christian society is doomed to eventual failure, because no matter how sanctified we are, all of us are still broken people living in a broken world.
We do not live in a theocracy, and I do not want to impose my morality upon others when the issue has nothing to do with safety.
Christian Morality is Not to be Imposed upon Non-Christians
The amazing centrality of Christian faith is that when someone places their trust in Jesus and decides to give their lives to Him, God's Holy Spirit will mysteriously indwell us, guiding us into deeper relationship with God, revealing our selfish ways and transforming our hearts into reflections of God's character. This is fantastic, and I love being on this journey with God, trusting in Him to give me a heart of compassion and humility.
But if we believe we are supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit, and yet still sin and act selfishly, how in the world can we expect non-Christians who, according to our theology, do not have God working in them to live by our morality? We can't, and we shouldn't.
Our first level of change must be ourselves. We have to be concerned with the state of our relationship with God, always diving deeper into His love and conforming our attitudes and actions to Him. I think we also have a responsibility to our Christian brothers and sisters. The great gift of the Church was given so that we might walk this difficult path of redemption alongside people who will support and encourage us. This means calling each other out when necessary and shouldering each other's burdens.
But we cannot force people who do not trust in Jesus to walk our path of self-sacrifice and abundant living. So the question comes down to this: as responsible for myself (who does not struggle with same-sex attraction) and my fellow Christians (who may or may not be queer), is homosexuality a sin?
The Bible Says Its Piece
I'll admit up front that this section is largely summarizing a chapter from Justin Lee's Torn. I'm not going to get into details because he already did so very nicely. What I want to say is that the Bible must always be interpreted. There are some issues, like God's holiness, justice, mercy, and love, that are consistently described, revealed, and discussed throughout both the Old and New Testaments. The doctrines of who God is and the salvation He provides through Jesus Christ are central to our faith. Without the saving death and resurrection of Jesus, we have no hope and nothing to offer the world.
However, there are other issues that are mentioned much less frequently. It is this category into which homosexuality falls. It is mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments, but in each instance, a case could be made that another sin is really on the line. Perhaps the act of gay sex was the sin, or perhaps it was inhospitality (Genesis 19) or idolatry (Romans 1). Translating Hebrew and Greek words for homosexuality are inherently interpretive as well. Even if the historical interpretations are true, it is unlikely that any of those events are referring to a monogamous committed relationship.
It is therefore difficult to definitively say homosexuality is definitely a sin according to the Bible. Men and women who are deeply committed to Jesus have interpreted the same verses in different ways. On the other hand, nowhere in the Bible are gay relationships spoken of positively. This silence combined with the previous verses might mean that homosexuality is a broken form of God's created sexuality.
Where I Stand
My emotions, motivations, and knowledge are all confused. I can argue myself into either position. The way I see people representing the gay community or Christian community sometimes makes me
support their position and sometimes makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Neither side seems to be consistently handling the situation well, and I don't know what to think.
And that, after years of thinking and rethinking, after this incredibly long article, is my opinion.
I don't know whether homosexuality is a sin or not.
The thing is, though, I don't mind not knowing. Whether or not a man can sexually love another man is such a tiny issue compared to what I believe truly matters. Gay or straight, we are not supposed to find our identity in our sexuality. If we have chosen to follow and obey Jesus Christ, our identity is found in Him alone. I am a Christian, and that identity overwhelms and envelopes my identities as a woman, an American, an academic, or a heterosexual.
What's more, I return to the promise of the Holy Spirit. I am confident that God knows what He desires for us, and that if a queer person is fully committed to serving Him, the Holy Spirit will work in that person's heart to transform him or her into the image of Christ. In my ignorance of this topic and my fear of the divisiveness it causes, I happily hand the responsibility over to God. I trust that He is powerful enough to do what He wants in His time and in His ways.
Where I Hope to Go From Here
Believe it or not, this post was originally much longer. I have so many things to say on this topic, and many times I ran down rabbit trails only to delete them before publication. This is, I think, enough of what I want to say to get my point across.
My desire is to live a life that glorifies God. This means aligning my will to His. This means sharing His offer of love and salvation to everyone so that others might love Him like I do. I want God to be worshiped because I truly believe He is the best. Anything that separates people from desiring a relationship with Him is dangerous, and I think the Church's reaction to the gay community has turned many people away from knowing Him.
I am comfortable in my doubts, because what I desire is for everyone to trust in Jesus and let their identity be formed in Him. When anyone, gay or straight, does that, I trust in God's power and love to transform them however He desires.
Single Sexuality
As a single woman growing up in the Church, I was given a rotating combination of these messages: 1) Don't lead your brothers astray by dressing immodestly! 2) You're so good; you'll definitely find a husband soon! 3) Use your singleness to serve God, and maybe you'll find a husband in the process!
I've always felt less-than for being single. Married couples talk about their relationship as an exclusive understanding of God and a necessary part of deeper sanctification. Their eyes glaze as they rhapsodize about the wonder of being married, and even though I am a fan of marriage (I kind of have to be if I'm considering a career in marriage counseling), I often left church gatherings feeling as though I were missing out on some grander plan of God's. Worse, since I'm pretty open to getting married but it hasn't happened, it felt like God was keeping me from knowing Him at this supposed deeper level.
I felt like a kid who was made to walk through a candy shop and then laughed at, because hahahaha, you can't have any of it!
Which is why reading Soul Virgins by Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson was a breath of fresh air. It turns out, dear readers, that single Christians are not defective. And if you think that deep-seated fear sounds ridiculous, please know that I am aware of its ridiculousness. No one ever, to my face, told me that I was inferior for being single. But I think we all ought to step back and ask what it is about church culture that made me feel that way. And based on the numerous single classmates who confessed to devouring the book through tears, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
What makes the book so meaningful? I'd rather you read it than take my word for it, but what sticks out the most is that Rosenau and Wilson gave single Christians a purpose. We aren't sitting in the waiting room, twiddling our fingers and fretting over whether or not there is a husband or wife in our future. Nor are we shutting down our sex drives, reminding ourselves that sex is bad, bad, bad, until that magical day when we might get married and suddenly a switch will be flipped and sex will be good, better, best! Studies have shown that doesn't happen. Repressed Christians often have terrible sex lives until they can work through those issues.
So what does it mean to be single, created by God as a sexual being?
Single Christians Are Sexual
There are boundaries that ought to be in place, of course. Erotic sexual behaviors are for marriage. But single Christians ought to intentionally seek out relationships with the opposite sex. "It is not good for man to be alone." Men and women were created to need each other, to learn from each other, and to support each other. This is not simply the marriage relationship. This is humanity. It is in singleness that we inclusively relate to men and women, affirming who God made them and reminding them of their awesomeness.
In Soul Virgins, the phrase "righteous flirting" is used, which is just strange enough to pique my interest. Make out sessions and copping feels is not on the table. But Dr. Rosenau extends so much grace and trust, encouraging men and women to be carefully intimate with each other, to allow touch (many singles are desperately touch-deprived), and to embrace their sexuality rather than flee from it.
What is Sexuality?
Maybe your face is contorted in horror. Singles embracing their sexuality? The concept was weird for me at first too. It still is, because it goes against all the hyper-sensitive rules I internalized growing up. So let's take a step back.
Sexuality, we were taught, is God's gift to humanity that reveals His heart of relationality. Sexuality is a constant reminder that we need to be close to others, that we crave intimacy and the ability to share our life with someone else. With married couples, that intimacy is expressed exclusively. Much stricter boundaries are raised around a married couple, and with those higher boundaries come an increased amount of allowed activities with each other (I mean sex).
Single men and women are sexual too. We crave intimacy, and here's the thing. We're allowed it. What's more, we can express our need for intimacy inclusively. I can share my heart deeply with many people, unencumbered by many of the walls surrounding a marriage. I'm not saying married people cannot have intimate relationships with someone other than their spouses; in fact, I am definitively in favor to marrieds having close friends. But there is still a priority to one's spouse that a single person does not have to worry about.
Single Sexuality as Freedom
Part of the problem is that we so often think sexuality means sex and nothing more. This is the cause of many sexual sins. Sexuality needs to be reframed, and singles need to start considering whether or not they are looking to get non-sexual needs met in sexual ways.
Loneliness is a huge concern for singles. Many get entangled in romantic relationships to ease that ache, and many fall into one-night stands for the momentary closeness provided. But loneliness does not have to be cured with sex. In fact, it cannot be, not permanently. Loneliness is about something else. Our culture is incredibly sexual, and most of us have bought the lie that sex is the answer for everything. It is not. It is wonderful, and singles can long for the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of sex. But a lot of what we long for is something else.
So when we've sorted out our needs and let them catapult us into intimate relationships with men and women, what do we do with the legitimate sexual frustration? Get proactive! Many of the world's greatest books, paintings, or inventions were created by single people. We've got the time. We've got the focus. We're free from a commitment to someone else's wellbeing.
Similarly, singles have freedoms married people don't have. During our lecture on this topic, my heart was heavy, because it was married couples telling us to rejoice in our singleness, and I didn't believe that they actually thought we had something good going for us. But then Debbie Wade interjected and said, "Sometimes at church there's an opportunity for a service or a mission trip, and I desperately want to go. But then I think about how that would affect my husband, and I have to let it go. I'm limited because I'm married." That simple story was like water on my soul. I vibrated in my seat, so thrilled to have heard a married woman say there were benefits to being single.
I'm embarrassed by my reaction. I'm ashamed that I need so much to be affirmed, to be told that I have worth as a single woman. I have not heard often enough or honestly enough (because I won't believe you if it's flippant or obviously an attempt to placate my doubts) the Church affirm that God created me this way, that He loves me as a single person, that I am good and complete right now.
I'm not alone in this feeling. Everyone I talked to in my class who was single felt like we were hearing something new. If you are reading this and are single, I hope you take some comfort in what I wrote. If you are reading this and are married, I ask you to think long and hard about how you can joyfully display the meaning of your marriage while simultaneously affirming and humanizing the single people in your life.
This is an issue that the Church must address if it wants to address an ever-growing population of men and women who could be unrestrained workers for Christ, but who often sit at home waiting for the spouse who will "allow" them to be fully functional in the Body of Christ.
I've always felt less-than for being single. Married couples talk about their relationship as an exclusive understanding of God and a necessary part of deeper sanctification. Their eyes glaze as they rhapsodize about the wonder of being married, and even though I am a fan of marriage (I kind of have to be if I'm considering a career in marriage counseling), I often left church gatherings feeling as though I were missing out on some grander plan of God's. Worse, since I'm pretty open to getting married but it hasn't happened, it felt like God was keeping me from knowing Him at this supposed deeper level.
I felt like a kid who was made to walk through a candy shop and then laughed at, because hahahaha, you can't have any of it!
Which is why reading Soul Virgins by Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson was a breath of fresh air. It turns out, dear readers, that single Christians are not defective. And if you think that deep-seated fear sounds ridiculous, please know that I am aware of its ridiculousness. No one ever, to my face, told me that I was inferior for being single. But I think we all ought to step back and ask what it is about church culture that made me feel that way. And based on the numerous single classmates who confessed to devouring the book through tears, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
What makes the book so meaningful? I'd rather you read it than take my word for it, but what sticks out the most is that Rosenau and Wilson gave single Christians a purpose. We aren't sitting in the waiting room, twiddling our fingers and fretting over whether or not there is a husband or wife in our future. Nor are we shutting down our sex drives, reminding ourselves that sex is bad, bad, bad, until that magical day when we might get married and suddenly a switch will be flipped and sex will be good, better, best! Studies have shown that doesn't happen. Repressed Christians often have terrible sex lives until they can work through those issues.
So what does it mean to be single, created by God as a sexual being?
Single Christians Are Sexual
There are boundaries that ought to be in place, of course. Erotic sexual behaviors are for marriage. But single Christians ought to intentionally seek out relationships with the opposite sex. "It is not good for man to be alone." Men and women were created to need each other, to learn from each other, and to support each other. This is not simply the marriage relationship. This is humanity. It is in singleness that we inclusively relate to men and women, affirming who God made them and reminding them of their awesomeness.
In Soul Virgins, the phrase "righteous flirting" is used, which is just strange enough to pique my interest. Make out sessions and copping feels is not on the table. But Dr. Rosenau extends so much grace and trust, encouraging men and women to be carefully intimate with each other, to allow touch (many singles are desperately touch-deprived), and to embrace their sexuality rather than flee from it.
What is Sexuality?
Maybe your face is contorted in horror. Singles embracing their sexuality? The concept was weird for me at first too. It still is, because it goes against all the hyper-sensitive rules I internalized growing up. So let's take a step back.
Sexuality, we were taught, is God's gift to humanity that reveals His heart of relationality. Sexuality is a constant reminder that we need to be close to others, that we crave intimacy and the ability to share our life with someone else. With married couples, that intimacy is expressed exclusively. Much stricter boundaries are raised around a married couple, and with those higher boundaries come an increased amount of allowed activities with each other (I mean sex).
Single men and women are sexual too. We crave intimacy, and here's the thing. We're allowed it. What's more, we can express our need for intimacy inclusively. I can share my heart deeply with many people, unencumbered by many of the walls surrounding a marriage. I'm not saying married people cannot have intimate relationships with someone other than their spouses; in fact, I am definitively in favor to marrieds having close friends. But there is still a priority to one's spouse that a single person does not have to worry about.
Single Sexuality as Freedom
Part of the problem is that we so often think sexuality means sex and nothing more. This is the cause of many sexual sins. Sexuality needs to be reframed, and singles need to start considering whether or not they are looking to get non-sexual needs met in sexual ways.
Loneliness is a huge concern for singles. Many get entangled in romantic relationships to ease that ache, and many fall into one-night stands for the momentary closeness provided. But loneliness does not have to be cured with sex. In fact, it cannot be, not permanently. Loneliness is about something else. Our culture is incredibly sexual, and most of us have bought the lie that sex is the answer for everything. It is not. It is wonderful, and singles can long for the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of sex. But a lot of what we long for is something else.
So when we've sorted out our needs and let them catapult us into intimate relationships with men and women, what do we do with the legitimate sexual frustration? Get proactive! Many of the world's greatest books, paintings, or inventions were created by single people. We've got the time. We've got the focus. We're free from a commitment to someone else's wellbeing.
Similarly, singles have freedoms married people don't have. During our lecture on this topic, my heart was heavy, because it was married couples telling us to rejoice in our singleness, and I didn't believe that they actually thought we had something good going for us. But then Debbie Wade interjected and said, "Sometimes at church there's an opportunity for a service or a mission trip, and I desperately want to go. But then I think about how that would affect my husband, and I have to let it go. I'm limited because I'm married." That simple story was like water on my soul. I vibrated in my seat, so thrilled to have heard a married woman say there were benefits to being single.
I'm embarrassed by my reaction. I'm ashamed that I need so much to be affirmed, to be told that I have worth as a single woman. I have not heard often enough or honestly enough (because I won't believe you if it's flippant or obviously an attempt to placate my doubts) the Church affirm that God created me this way, that He loves me as a single person, that I am good and complete right now.
I'm not alone in this feeling. Everyone I talked to in my class who was single felt like we were hearing something new. If you are reading this and are single, I hope you take some comfort in what I wrote. If you are reading this and are married, I ask you to think long and hard about how you can joyfully display the meaning of your marriage while simultaneously affirming and humanizing the single people in your life.
This is an issue that the Church must address if it wants to address an ever-growing population of men and women who could be unrestrained workers for Christ, but who often sit at home waiting for the spouse who will "allow" them to be fully functional in the Body of Christ.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Gender and Sexuality
Gender is my hot spot. I'm pretty down with traditional sexuality, most of the time, kind of. But the traditional Christian teachings on gender make me furious. One of the books we had to read for class had a chapter on masculinity and another chapter on femininity. I scrawled angry notes in the margin like "oh, so women don't need affirmation?" or "I can think of five examples OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD that are the exact opposite!!"
My reaction is definitely rooted in personal issues. For the first eighteen years of my life, I desperately wanted to be the good little homemaker who married young, popped out babies, and submitted joyfully to her husband without a thought as to what I would contribute to the world myself. College began a painfully introspective journey that showed me I do not fit in that mold. I want so badly to contribute to the world's conversations. I want my voice to be heard. I want to support people, yes, and I hope to be married. But I don't want my life to disappear into a man's simply because he's my husband.
What's more, I took psychology classes that listed masculine and feminine traits. I looked at the columns disconcertingly. Sure, I'm more cooperative than competitive. But I'm deeply academic and more comfortable discussing ideas rather than feelings. I hate admitting I'm weak or wrong, and I crave respect and affirmation. I identify myself based on my work ("I'm a librarian" or "I'm a grad student") rather than by my relationships. As for gendered roles? Hah. I could care less about a clean house, and while I can follow a recipe, I'd rather use the microwave. Kids are cool, but I've never felt the desire to push one out of my vagina. In fact, while I'm very into adopting, it's mostly from a place of joyful duty rather than maternal instinct.
So fine. I'm not 100% feminine. Most of the world would say, duh. No one is totally masculine or feminine. Most of the world, however, is not the Church. I constantly felt that all I could offer to God were the parts of me that were feminine, and that anything else I felt capable of would be frowned upon. There was always an underlying dread that there was something wrong with me because I was not entirely feminine.
I thought this class would go down the same lines, but instead we were taught gender stereotypes as useful counseling aids. Women tend to act this way in this situation, but men tend act the opposite way, we were told. Not all women and men will do so, but if this is an issue in a marriage, point it out and maybe they will realize it's a common issue. There was no one right way to be a woman or a man, we were told. We're uniquely made by God with a blend of masculinity and femininity, and anyway, women and men are more alike than different.
My issue is that so much of gender is cultural. It's hard for me to accept that God wired tendencies into our social expressions. Which made me quite happy to jump on board their proposed gendered divide.
God created humanity as male and female. Women and men reveal God in unique ways. Through nurturing and providing? Eh. What about this instead? Men are biologically wired to be sexually predictable. Grab and rub, and they're good to go. This biological makeup reveals the immutability of our God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Women, however, are wired to be sexually complex. Because of hormonal cycles throughout the month and throughout a lifetime, stimuli can be arousing one day and a sexual shut-down the next. This biological makeup reveals the mystery and complexity if God. We can know Him more and more intimately every day, never fully understanding His mystery.
So there you go. Gender is a sore topic for me, but I'll stand on that one, and love it too. Men reveal the predictability of God and women reveal His complexity. Since I'm touchy on this subject, let me assure everyone that this is not necessarily universal. I'm sure exceptions exist, and I don't think they are any less loved by God. But I'll put my stake on something biological and reflexive as wired into us by God before cultural and familial cues any day.
My reaction is definitely rooted in personal issues. For the first eighteen years of my life, I desperately wanted to be the good little homemaker who married young, popped out babies, and submitted joyfully to her husband without a thought as to what I would contribute to the world myself. College began a painfully introspective journey that showed me I do not fit in that mold. I want so badly to contribute to the world's conversations. I want my voice to be heard. I want to support people, yes, and I hope to be married. But I don't want my life to disappear into a man's simply because he's my husband.
What's more, I took psychology classes that listed masculine and feminine traits. I looked at the columns disconcertingly. Sure, I'm more cooperative than competitive. But I'm deeply academic and more comfortable discussing ideas rather than feelings. I hate admitting I'm weak or wrong, and I crave respect and affirmation. I identify myself based on my work ("I'm a librarian" or "I'm a grad student") rather than by my relationships. As for gendered roles? Hah. I could care less about a clean house, and while I can follow a recipe, I'd rather use the microwave. Kids are cool, but I've never felt the desire to push one out of my vagina. In fact, while I'm very into adopting, it's mostly from a place of joyful duty rather than maternal instinct.
So fine. I'm not 100% feminine. Most of the world would say, duh. No one is totally masculine or feminine. Most of the world, however, is not the Church. I constantly felt that all I could offer to God were the parts of me that were feminine, and that anything else I felt capable of would be frowned upon. There was always an underlying dread that there was something wrong with me because I was not entirely feminine.
I thought this class would go down the same lines, but instead we were taught gender stereotypes as useful counseling aids. Women tend to act this way in this situation, but men tend act the opposite way, we were told. Not all women and men will do so, but if this is an issue in a marriage, point it out and maybe they will realize it's a common issue. There was no one right way to be a woman or a man, we were told. We're uniquely made by God with a blend of masculinity and femininity, and anyway, women and men are more alike than different.
My issue is that so much of gender is cultural. It's hard for me to accept that God wired tendencies into our social expressions. Which made me quite happy to jump on board their proposed gendered divide.
God created humanity as male and female. Women and men reveal God in unique ways. Through nurturing and providing? Eh. What about this instead? Men are biologically wired to be sexually predictable. Grab and rub, and they're good to go. This biological makeup reveals the immutability of our God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Women, however, are wired to be sexually complex. Because of hormonal cycles throughout the month and throughout a lifetime, stimuli can be arousing one day and a sexual shut-down the next. This biological makeup reveals the mystery and complexity if God. We can know Him more and more intimately every day, never fully understanding His mystery.
So there you go. Gender is a sore topic for me, but I'll stand on that one, and love it too. Men reveal the predictability of God and women reveal His complexity. Since I'm touchy on this subject, let me assure everyone that this is not necessarily universal. I'm sure exceptions exist, and I don't think they are any less loved by God. But I'll put my stake on something biological and reflexive as wired into us by God before cultural and familial cues any day.
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