Single Sexuality

As a single woman growing up in the Church, I was given a rotating combination of these messages:  1) Don't lead your brothers astray by dressing immodestly!  2)  You're so good; you'll definitely find a husband soon!  3)  Use your singleness to serve God, and maybe you'll find a husband in the process!

I've always felt less-than for being single.  Married couples talk about their relationship as an exclusive understanding of God and a necessary part of deeper sanctification.  Their eyes glaze as they rhapsodize about the wonder of being married, and even though I am a fan of marriage (I kind of have to be if I'm considering a career in marriage counseling), I often left church gatherings feeling as though I were missing out on some grander plan of God's.  Worse, since I'm pretty open to getting married but it hasn't happened, it felt like God was keeping me from knowing Him at this supposed deeper level.

I felt like a kid who was made to walk through a candy shop and then laughed at, because hahahaha, you can't have any of it!

Which is why reading Soul Virgins by Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson was a breath of fresh air.  It turns out, dear readers, that single Christians are not defective.  And if you think that deep-seated fear sounds ridiculous, please know that I am aware of its ridiculousness.  No one ever, to my face, told me that I was inferior for being single.  But I think we all ought to step back and ask what it is about church culture that made me feel that way.  And based on the numerous single classmates who confessed to devouring the book through tears, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

What makes the book so meaningful?  I'd rather you read it than take my word for it, but what sticks out the most is that Rosenau and Wilson gave single Christians a purpose.  We aren't sitting in the waiting room, twiddling our fingers and fretting over whether or not there is a husband or wife in our future.  Nor are we shutting down our sex drives, reminding ourselves that sex is bad, bad, bad, until that magical day when we might get married and suddenly a switch will be flipped and sex will be good, better, best!  Studies have shown that doesn't happen.  Repressed Christians often have terrible sex lives until they can work through those issues.

So what does it mean to be single, created by God as a sexual being?

Single Christians Are Sexual

There are boundaries that ought to be in place, of course.  Erotic sexual behaviors are for marriage.  But single Christians ought to intentionally seek out relationships with the opposite sex.  "It is not good for man to be alone."  Men and women were created to need each other, to learn from each other, and to support each other.  This is not simply the marriage relationship.  This is humanity.  It is in singleness that we inclusively relate to men and women, affirming who God made them and reminding them of their awesomeness.

In Soul Virgins, the phrase "righteous flirting" is used, which is just strange enough to pique my interest.  Make out sessions and copping feels is not on the table.  But Dr. Rosenau extends so much grace and trust, encouraging men and women to be carefully intimate with each other, to allow touch (many singles are desperately touch-deprived), and to embrace their sexuality rather than flee from it.

What is Sexuality?

Maybe your face is contorted in horror.  Singles embracing their sexuality?  The concept was weird for me at first too.  It still is, because it goes against all the hyper-sensitive rules I internalized growing up.  So let's take a step back.

Sexuality, we were taught, is God's gift to humanity that reveals His heart of relationality.  Sexuality is a constant reminder that we need to be close to others, that we crave intimacy and the ability to share our life with someone else.  With married couples, that intimacy is expressed exclusively.  Much stricter boundaries are raised around a married couple, and with those higher boundaries come an increased amount of allowed activities with each other (I mean sex).

Single men and women are sexual too.  We crave intimacy, and here's the thing.  We're allowed it.  What's more, we can express our need for intimacy inclusively.  I can share my heart deeply with many people, unencumbered by many of the walls surrounding a marriage.  I'm not saying married people cannot have intimate relationships with someone other than their spouses; in fact, I am definitively in favor to marrieds having close friends.  But there is still a priority to one's spouse that a single person does not have to worry about.

Single Sexuality as Freedom

Part of the problem is that we so often think sexuality means sex and nothing more.  This is the cause of many sexual sins.  Sexuality needs to be reframed, and singles need to start considering whether or not they are looking to get non-sexual needs met in sexual ways.

Loneliness is a huge concern for singles.  Many get entangled in romantic relationships to ease that ache, and many fall into one-night stands for the momentary closeness provided.  But loneliness does not have to be cured with sex.  In fact, it cannot be, not permanently.  Loneliness is about something else.  Our culture is incredibly sexual, and most of us have bought the lie that sex is the answer for everything.  It is not.  It is wonderful, and singles can long for the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of sex.  But a lot of what we long for is something else.

So when we've sorted out our needs and let them catapult us into intimate relationships with men and women, what do we do with the legitimate sexual frustration?  Get proactive!  Many of the world's greatest books, paintings, or inventions were created by single people.  We've got the time.  We've got the focus.  We're free from a commitment to someone else's wellbeing.

Similarly, singles have freedoms married people don't have.  During our lecture on this topic, my heart was heavy, because it was married couples telling us to rejoice in our singleness, and I didn't believe that they actually thought we had something good going for us.  But then Debbie Wade interjected and said, "Sometimes at church there's an opportunity for a service or a mission trip, and I desperately want to go.  But then I think about how that would affect my husband, and I have to let it go.  I'm limited because I'm married."  That simple story was like water on my soul.  I vibrated in my seat, so thrilled to have heard a married woman say there were benefits to being single.

I'm embarrassed by my reaction.  I'm ashamed that I need so much to be affirmed, to be told that I have worth as a single woman.  I have not heard often enough or honestly enough (because I won't believe you if it's flippant or obviously an attempt to placate my doubts) the Church affirm that God created me this way, that He loves me as a single person, that I am good and complete right now.

I'm not alone in this feeling.  Everyone I talked to in my class who was single felt like we were hearing something new.  If you are reading this and are single, I hope you take some comfort in what I wrote.  If you are reading this and are married, I ask you to think long and hard about how you can joyfully display the meaning of your marriage while simultaneously affirming and humanizing the single people in your life.

This is an issue that the Church must address if it wants to address an ever-growing population of men and women who could be unrestrained workers for Christ, but who often sit at home waiting for the spouse who will "allow" them to be fully functional in the Body of Christ.