Blogging Every Day Guidelines (Kind Of)
Yesterday, I stood at the balcony outside the kids' capoeira lesson, and I thought, "I wish I weren't alive." Which is when it hit me that for the last couple weeks, I've been experiencing depression. Knowing that, and giving my emotions that label, made everything better. This has been a weird stretch of depression--I told Liz a few days ago that when I look at each moment of my life individually, it's awesome. But when I step back, I get very sad. I didn't really know why.
Here are some explanations.
I've finished my first year of school. While it's awesome to be mentally free, I miss having a purpose and a goal. I can only be aimlessly lazy for a couple days. The long stretches of free time were wearing on me. But depression makes me seek solace in being alone, which only exacerbates this problem.
I've not been intentional in my relationship with God. Turns out most of my growth this past year is wholly dependent on seminary. Which is great! But I need some takeaway skills for summer and well, the rest of my life. Unfortunately, depression also makes me avoid God, so again, problem exacerbated. Depression is a bitch!
Other stuff. Everyone is leaving. Boooo. Michal Ann was awesome, and she moved to Austin in December. Which isn't so bad, but I kind of planned on spending weekends visiting her, only now she's spending a couple months in Turkey. And Liz is moving out, which SUCKS, and I hate finding a new roommate, and her family is all here, which is great, but I MISS HER, and I just want to hog all her time to myself. But paradoxically, stupidly, I hole up in my room instead of spending time with her, because DEPRESSION IS OBNOXIOUS.
More people left. Chad and Melissa were my comfort blankets at Trinity, and they invited me into their small group, and I helped them move (the first time), and I loved them! But now they're in West Virginia. In order to share my sadness and find comfort from similarly bereft people, I....skipped church last week to avoid not seeing them. Shall I reiterate how awful depression is, how it makes people abandon the very things that would help?
Having my church world rocked made me think back to Woodland, and since it's summer, I am desperately missing family mission trips. I long for pool fights, and breakfasts in motels with random church members, and wearing scrubby work clothes, and sweating with my friends, and complaining and laughing and learning and bonding. UGH. My face just made that awful "I'm about to cry oh crap shut that down" face.
Why do I keep leaving the people and the places that make me feel safe?
Which is another thing. My mental state is AWFUL. I'm confused about a lot of deeply important issues, and I hate not having an opinion. I hate being confronted with the fact that life is bigger than I imagined. I want my little boxes, darn it!
And I just, I have this feeling that there are some really deep-seated psychological issues I need to work through, only free counseling is in four months and I don't want to spend money I don't have, and I'm scared to go to counseling as much as I long for it. I'm scared what I'll learn about myself. I'm scared what I'll have to do with that knowledge. I'm scared to admit how broken I am. I don't want to think about any of that!
Whew.
That covers--a lot of it?
It might seem weird to say after all of that, but today was actually a really great day. Anju and Ketan are done with school. We spent a couple hours at the library, which was lovely, and then we went to a fun zone park with mini golf and go-karts. I've never been on a go-kart before, but it was SO FUN. So I got to do something new, and feel the sun, and laugh and cuddle with these awesome kiddos.
Like I said, moment by moment, I really love my life. There are just a lot of things circling around that wear at me and chew at my soul.
If anyone else ever feels like that, I VERY MUCH recommend Hyperbole and a Half's comic about depression. She nailed it. Sometimes it's just nice to feel understood and not so alone.
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