The Big O

Most men and women associate sex with orgasm.  Sex that doesn't end in an orgasm can feel incomplete or even pointless.  This is especially true for men, but women are not immune to the desire for "the big O."

Which is problematic, since orgasms are not guaranteed.  Worse, sometimes the preoccupation with orgasms can detract from the true purpose of sex.  With this in mind, perhaps we ought to start thinking of "the big O" as not Orgasm, but Oneness.

Women are less likely than men to orgasm.  Partly this is biological.  In the heat of sexual activity, it takes a man approximately 2-4 minutes to ejaculate.  It takes women anywhere from 10-45 minutes.  There's a French saying that says, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men."  Oftentimes couples are not educated on biological and individual sex differences, including what it takes to fully arouse their spouse.

On top of that, women (especially in the Church) have internalized a lot of shame when it comes to sex.  We are taught to fear our bodies, both for how we might cause our brothers to sin and for how we might be abused because of our femininity.  This is tragic.  Although men and women ought to take care to think of other people's needs and frailties, men are much stronger than women give them credit for.  Men can control themselves, and we ought to teach and model how to do so.  But I'm digressing.  What I'm trying to talk about is orgasms.  Because of shame and repression, women often think they don't need to orgasm like a man does, or that something is wrong with them if they desire it.

Nope.  That should be worked through as a couple, and everyone should be able to share in the joy of an orgasm.  But.  Even though that ought to be a goal, it should not be the goal.

An obsession with orgasming hurts men as well.  Especially with age, men take longer to become aroused and might find it more difficult to orgasm.  This is normal, but when sex is equated with orgasm, a man's world feels like it's falling apart.

Orgasms are great, they ought to be celebrated and enjoyed, everyone should have them!  But they are not what sex is about.  Sex is about Oneness.  It is about intimately, vulnerably, and playfully being with your spouse.  Sex is not just about two bodies become one.  It is about two fully realized individuals with bodies, souls, and spirits becoming one.  Focusing on orgasms is all about the body.  Focusing on Oneness views the spouse wholistically, as body, soul, and spirit.

When Oneness is the goal of sex, physical malfunctions are less of a big deal.  The activity is less performance-driven and more process-driven.  Every part of the experience can be enjoyed and savored without worrying about or hurrying toward a supposed "end."  Seeking "the big O" of Oneness sets a couple up for long-lasting pleasure, joy, and satisfaction far more than seeking "the big O" of orgasm.