A super cool friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post after reading my musings on need buckets. It is so awesome, guys.
In my Social and Cultural Foundations class, we've discussed how gay and lesbian Christians must feel, especially those who believe they shouldn't act on their attraction but still feel ostracized by the Church. We've discussed how, if the Church is going to call gays and lesbians to a lifetime of celibacy, we need to do a better job of lifting up and celebrating singleness. As a single person, I say YES. And if I someday get married, I hope I will continue to defend the role of singleness, whether it is for a season or for a lifetime.
And single people need a lot from the Church. We crave just as much intimacy and love and commitment as married people, but we don't have that one person who is "supposed" to give it to us. Often, I think, we don't feel we have the right to express those needs. And that leads to loneliness, really intense loneliness, that is beautifully addressed in the above linked-to blog post.
The whole point of this is to recommend that post. Go read it. Here, I'll link to it again.
Showing posts with label theology of sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label theology of sex. Show all posts
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Encouragement
The best thing that happened at Emily and Joe's wedding (on a personal level) was when Susan Osborn pulled me aside before the reception. "I've heard a rumor," she said, and my heart sank. I assumed she was going to become another well-meaning Woodlander who said, "Are the boys chasing you? No? What's wrong with them?" thereby reminding me of my singleness in the form of a compliment, which confuses me emotionally.
I thought she would say something like that, but instead she said, "Are you thinking of becoming a sex therapist?"
"Oh, yes!" I said. "A marriage counselor, really, but I definitely want to incorporate sex therapy into my practice. I don't see how someone couldn't."
Susan looked straight at me. "Well, I just want to tell you that I think you'll do a great job! You have this disarming smile, and an easy way about you that I think will make people open up with you right away. Before their first session is over, they'll have spilled everything they've never admitted to anyone else."
My shoulders fell. "Susan. That is exactly the thing I need to hear most right now. Thank you."
Because the thing is, when I talk about marriage and sex counseling, I typically get rolled eyes or "of course Tricia would do that because she's weird" comments. Earlier this weekend, I thought of something I wanted to ask Emily about the wedding night, and an adult called after me, "Just remember, you're giving advice from a textbook, not experience."
Ouch. No wonder I spent so many years thinking I couldn't be a marriage counselor without first being married. My professors have beat into our heads that we are equipped to counsel because we're learning how in graduate school, not because we've experienced everything in the world. I believed it too, but hearing someone I admire tell me that my advice was somehow lesser because it did not come from my past set me back a few mental steps.
And then Susan, sweeping in with encouragement that is specific to who I am and how I deal with people. It was so lovely and so needed.
I thought she would say something like that, but instead she said, "Are you thinking of becoming a sex therapist?"
"Oh, yes!" I said. "A marriage counselor, really, but I definitely want to incorporate sex therapy into my practice. I don't see how someone couldn't."
Susan looked straight at me. "Well, I just want to tell you that I think you'll do a great job! You have this disarming smile, and an easy way about you that I think will make people open up with you right away. Before their first session is over, they'll have spilled everything they've never admitted to anyone else."
My shoulders fell. "Susan. That is exactly the thing I need to hear most right now. Thank you."
Because the thing is, when I talk about marriage and sex counseling, I typically get rolled eyes or "of course Tricia would do that because she's weird" comments. Earlier this weekend, I thought of something I wanted to ask Emily about the wedding night, and an adult called after me, "Just remember, you're giving advice from a textbook, not experience."
Ouch. No wonder I spent so many years thinking I couldn't be a marriage counselor without first being married. My professors have beat into our heads that we are equipped to counsel because we're learning how in graduate school, not because we've experienced everything in the world. I believed it too, but hearing someone I admire tell me that my advice was somehow lesser because it did not come from my past set me back a few mental steps.
And then Susan, sweeping in with encouragement that is specific to who I am and how I deal with people. It was so lovely and so needed.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
So That's What Marriage Can Be!
I did not grow up seeing a marriage that I wanted to one day imitate. Most of the lessons I learned in the home were of the "avoid this" theme. Fortunately, I spent time with married couples who got it right a majority of the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't find myself in the relationship.
Take my grandparents for an example. All the time I can remember them, they have been a team, working together as family and as church members. The problem is, my grandmother is the picture of domesticity. So are many of the women I grew up with, hosting dinner parties or enthusing about house decor. I am not that woman. My bedroom is a bunch of books stacked on top of furniture. There is unmatched artwork on one wall. My bedspread is inside-out and my pillow case has Lion King characters on it. In the kitchen, my standby is egg tacos, because it consists of 1) eggs and 2) tortillas. I eat this at least five times a week. Occasionally I make an actual meal, but the excitement is enough to tide me over for the next month.
The things that I have to offer are my brains, my passion, and my empathy. That's all I've got! So in a culture that exalts meek, mild, submissive wives who follow their husbands instructions, well. I feel like an outsider. I would so much rather be in the thick of things, studying and thinking and deciding, actively participating rather than passively following. (I know many of the women I grew up watching are incredibly intelligent. The thing is, culture is often stronger than example. I internalized the conservative party line.) If I were ever to be in a God-honoring marriage with a man who follows God, I felt like I had to give up who I am and put on someone with an entirely different skill set.
The rationale behind my despair had everything to do with Ephesians 5:21-33, specifically verse 23. The husband is the head of the wife. Oh my word. I hated this. It felt like a death knell: "Give up your personhood. Give up your opinions." Husbands were the loving heads of the home, and wives were to submit to them. I was fed the line that if a husband truly loved his wife as Christ loved the church, then a wife wouldn't mind submitting to him. And while I would much rather submit to someone loving than to someone hateful, I didn't want to give up my ability to make decisions. I like using my brain; I didn't want someone to take that away from me.
But it turns out, that's not what the passage is talking about! I'm reading Sarah Sumner's Men and Women in the Church for a seminary paper. In it, she pointed out that we normally associate the husband's headship with the wife's submission. This is inaccurate, she said. There are three associations made in this passage:
1) the wife's submission/the husband's sacrifice
2) the wife is the body/the husband is the head
3) the wife respects her husband/the husband loves his wife
Let's start with submission/sacrifice. These are two sides of the same coin. For one thing, both are voluntary. Forced submission is not submission. That is slavery. A wife submits when she voluntarily chooses to put her husband's needs or dreams or desires before hers. Sacrifice is also voluntary. A man sacrifices his needs or dreams or desires so that his wife can pursue hers.
"For when the wife comes under [submits to] the husband, thereby lifting him up, he sacrifices himself by giving up his advantage of being over her by exalting her to where he is. In other words, the husband and wife participate together in a dynamic upward spiral of lifting each other up instead of putting each other down."
Now there's a marriage I can get behind, primarily because that rings so true to Christ's character.
But there's still the matter of a husband being the head of his wife. Turns out, the word literally means head, which makes sense if it is paired with the idea of the wife being a body. The key is in verse 31, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This isn't just code for sex. When a man and a woman get married, they are entering into a mystery wherein they become a head and a body, together making up one being. This is why Ephesians tells husbands to care for "their wives as their own bodies", even that "he who loves his wife loves himself." Because he is loving himself; they are one.
Headship isn't about leadership. And it's definitely not being "head of the house." A husband is a head as the wife is a body, and together they are one flesh. Seeing each other as part of themselves, a wife submits to her husband, and a husband sacrifices for his wife.
Oh man, this is just one chapter out of sixteen that I have read thus far. But I cannot describe how wonderful I felt after reading this (and it only gets better: Sumner unpacks how masculinity=less physically vulnerable and femininity=more physically vulnerable. She discovers what the connection is between Christ as head of the church while husbands are heads of the wives while God is head of Christ. And she also interprets 1 Peter 3:7 as a scathing indictment against physical abuse.) Sumner is not a feminist. Throughout the book she honestly and kindly presents the case of complementarians and egalitarians. Then she offers a third option that makes all kinds of sense.
Reading her, I realized that submission doesn't mean I lose everything. I don't have to give up my intellect or my opinions. I realized that a husband being my head doesn't mean he rules over me. I don't have to wait for my husband to do everything. I don't have to cook or clean or decorate. None of that is part of the biblical picture of marriage (I know Proverbs 31, that's another post). Marriage actually looks attractive to me now. Putting my husband's needs before mine, letting him sacrifice those needs for me. Being part of an mutual upward spiral of humility rather than constantly giving everything I have to someone who only takes and takes. Being the body to someone else's head, mystically entering into a union that is two people in one. I don't know. I suddenly get why marriage is so beautiful.
Probably good, since I want to be a marriage counselor.
(Sarah Sumner says this all SO MUCH BETTER. She is a wonderful theologian who shares her story while interpreting Scripture masterfully, humbly, and understandably. I 100% recommend you read her thoughts rather than mine!)
Take my grandparents for an example. All the time I can remember them, they have been a team, working together as family and as church members. The problem is, my grandmother is the picture of domesticity. So are many of the women I grew up with, hosting dinner parties or enthusing about house decor. I am not that woman. My bedroom is a bunch of books stacked on top of furniture. There is unmatched artwork on one wall. My bedspread is inside-out and my pillow case has Lion King characters on it. In the kitchen, my standby is egg tacos, because it consists of 1) eggs and 2) tortillas. I eat this at least five times a week. Occasionally I make an actual meal, but the excitement is enough to tide me over for the next month.
The things that I have to offer are my brains, my passion, and my empathy. That's all I've got! So in a culture that exalts meek, mild, submissive wives who follow their husbands instructions, well. I feel like an outsider. I would so much rather be in the thick of things, studying and thinking and deciding, actively participating rather than passively following. (I know many of the women I grew up watching are incredibly intelligent. The thing is, culture is often stronger than example. I internalized the conservative party line.) If I were ever to be in a God-honoring marriage with a man who follows God, I felt like I had to give up who I am and put on someone with an entirely different skill set.
The rationale behind my despair had everything to do with Ephesians 5:21-33, specifically verse 23. The husband is the head of the wife. Oh my word. I hated this. It felt like a death knell: "Give up your personhood. Give up your opinions." Husbands were the loving heads of the home, and wives were to submit to them. I was fed the line that if a husband truly loved his wife as Christ loved the church, then a wife wouldn't mind submitting to him. And while I would much rather submit to someone loving than to someone hateful, I didn't want to give up my ability to make decisions. I like using my brain; I didn't want someone to take that away from me.
But it turns out, that's not what the passage is talking about! I'm reading Sarah Sumner's Men and Women in the Church for a seminary paper. In it, she pointed out that we normally associate the husband's headship with the wife's submission. This is inaccurate, she said. There are three associations made in this passage:
1) the wife's submission/the husband's sacrifice
2) the wife is the body/the husband is the head
3) the wife respects her husband/the husband loves his wife
Let's start with submission/sacrifice. These are two sides of the same coin. For one thing, both are voluntary. Forced submission is not submission. That is slavery. A wife submits when she voluntarily chooses to put her husband's needs or dreams or desires before hers. Sacrifice is also voluntary. A man sacrifices his needs or dreams or desires so that his wife can pursue hers.
"For when the wife comes under [submits to] the husband, thereby lifting him up, he sacrifices himself by giving up his advantage of being over her by exalting her to where he is. In other words, the husband and wife participate together in a dynamic upward spiral of lifting each other up instead of putting each other down."
Now there's a marriage I can get behind, primarily because that rings so true to Christ's character.
But there's still the matter of a husband being the head of his wife. Turns out, the word literally means head, which makes sense if it is paired with the idea of the wife being a body. The key is in verse 31, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This isn't just code for sex. When a man and a woman get married, they are entering into a mystery wherein they become a head and a body, together making up one being. This is why Ephesians tells husbands to care for "their wives as their own bodies", even that "he who loves his wife loves himself." Because he is loving himself; they are one.
Headship isn't about leadership. And it's definitely not being "head of the house." A husband is a head as the wife is a body, and together they are one flesh. Seeing each other as part of themselves, a wife submits to her husband, and a husband sacrifices for his wife.
Oh man, this is just one chapter out of sixteen that I have read thus far. But I cannot describe how wonderful I felt after reading this (and it only gets better: Sumner unpacks how masculinity=less physically vulnerable and femininity=more physically vulnerable. She discovers what the connection is between Christ as head of the church while husbands are heads of the wives while God is head of Christ. And she also interprets 1 Peter 3:7 as a scathing indictment against physical abuse.) Sumner is not a feminist. Throughout the book she honestly and kindly presents the case of complementarians and egalitarians. Then she offers a third option that makes all kinds of sense.
Reading her, I realized that submission doesn't mean I lose everything. I don't have to give up my intellect or my opinions. I realized that a husband being my head doesn't mean he rules over me. I don't have to wait for my husband to do everything. I don't have to cook or clean or decorate. None of that is part of the biblical picture of marriage (I know Proverbs 31, that's another post). Marriage actually looks attractive to me now. Putting my husband's needs before mine, letting him sacrifice those needs for me. Being part of an mutual upward spiral of humility rather than constantly giving everything I have to someone who only takes and takes. Being the body to someone else's head, mystically entering into a union that is two people in one. I don't know. I suddenly get why marriage is so beautiful.
Probably good, since I want to be a marriage counselor.
(Sarah Sumner says this all SO MUCH BETTER. She is a wonderful theologian who shares her story while interpreting Scripture masterfully, humbly, and understandably. I 100% recommend you read her thoughts rather than mine!)
Friday, May 31, 2013
The Big O
Most men and women associate sex with orgasm. Sex that doesn't end in an orgasm can feel incomplete or even pointless. This is especially true for men, but women are not immune to the desire for "the big O."
Which is problematic, since orgasms are not guaranteed. Worse, sometimes the preoccupation with orgasms can detract from the true purpose of sex. With this in mind, perhaps we ought to start thinking of "the big O" as not Orgasm, but Oneness.
Women are less likely than men to orgasm. Partly this is biological. In the heat of sexual activity, it takes a man approximately 2-4 minutes to ejaculate. It takes women anywhere from 10-45 minutes. There's a French saying that says, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men." Oftentimes couples are not educated on biological and individual sex differences, including what it takes to fully arouse their spouse.
On top of that, women (especially in the Church) have internalized a lot of shame when it comes to sex. We are taught to fear our bodies, both for how we might cause our brothers to sin and for how we might be abused because of our femininity. This is tragic. Although men and women ought to take care to think of other people's needs and frailties, men are much stronger than women give them credit for. Men can control themselves, and we ought to teach and model how to do so. But I'm digressing. What I'm trying to talk about is orgasms. Because of shame and repression, women often think they don't need to orgasm like a man does, or that something is wrong with them if they desire it.
Nope. That should be worked through as a couple, and everyone should be able to share in the joy of an orgasm. But. Even though that ought to be a goal, it should not be the goal.
An obsession with orgasming hurts men as well. Especially with age, men take longer to become aroused and might find it more difficult to orgasm. This is normal, but when sex is equated with orgasm, a man's world feels like it's falling apart.
Orgasms are great, they ought to be celebrated and enjoyed, everyone should have them! But they are not what sex is about. Sex is about Oneness. It is about intimately, vulnerably, and playfully being with your spouse. Sex is not just about two bodies become one. It is about two fully realized individuals with bodies, souls, and spirits becoming one. Focusing on orgasms is all about the body. Focusing on Oneness views the spouse wholistically, as body, soul, and spirit.
When Oneness is the goal of sex, physical malfunctions are less of a big deal. The activity is less performance-driven and more process-driven. Every part of the experience can be enjoyed and savored without worrying about or hurrying toward a supposed "end." Seeking "the big O" of Oneness sets a couple up for long-lasting pleasure, joy, and satisfaction far more than seeking "the big O" of orgasm.
Which is problematic, since orgasms are not guaranteed. Worse, sometimes the preoccupation with orgasms can detract from the true purpose of sex. With this in mind, perhaps we ought to start thinking of "the big O" as not Orgasm, but Oneness.
Women are less likely than men to orgasm. Partly this is biological. In the heat of sexual activity, it takes a man approximately 2-4 minutes to ejaculate. It takes women anywhere from 10-45 minutes. There's a French saying that says, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men." Oftentimes couples are not educated on biological and individual sex differences, including what it takes to fully arouse their spouse.
On top of that, women (especially in the Church) have internalized a lot of shame when it comes to sex. We are taught to fear our bodies, both for how we might cause our brothers to sin and for how we might be abused because of our femininity. This is tragic. Although men and women ought to take care to think of other people's needs and frailties, men are much stronger than women give them credit for. Men can control themselves, and we ought to teach and model how to do so. But I'm digressing. What I'm trying to talk about is orgasms. Because of shame and repression, women often think they don't need to orgasm like a man does, or that something is wrong with them if they desire it.
Nope. That should be worked through as a couple, and everyone should be able to share in the joy of an orgasm. But. Even though that ought to be a goal, it should not be the goal.
An obsession with orgasming hurts men as well. Especially with age, men take longer to become aroused and might find it more difficult to orgasm. This is normal, but when sex is equated with orgasm, a man's world feels like it's falling apart.
Orgasms are great, they ought to be celebrated and enjoyed, everyone should have them! But they are not what sex is about. Sex is about Oneness. It is about intimately, vulnerably, and playfully being with your spouse. Sex is not just about two bodies become one. It is about two fully realized individuals with bodies, souls, and spirits becoming one. Focusing on orgasms is all about the body. Focusing on Oneness views the spouse wholistically, as body, soul, and spirit.
When Oneness is the goal of sex, physical malfunctions are less of a big deal. The activity is less performance-driven and more process-driven. Every part of the experience can be enjoyed and savored without worrying about or hurrying toward a supposed "end." Seeking "the big O" of Oneness sets a couple up for long-lasting pleasure, joy, and satisfaction far more than seeking "the big O" of orgasm.
Homosexuality*
*I know that homosexuality is becoming a pejorative term, I do not use it that way here. When I use the term "homosexuality," I use it for its original meaning, referring to one whose sexuality is directed toward the same sex as opposed to "heterosexuality," referring to one whose sexuality is directed toward the opposite sex. Throughout this article, however, I will try to use the terms "gay" or "queer," though I confess I am not fully certain what labels are preferred by the gay community! To be safe, I have tried to pair the more clinical terms "homosexuality" and "heterosexuality" as well as the more culturally loaded terms "gay" and "straight." I ask for forgiveness and instruction if I've gotten something wrong.
In today's cultural climate, it's nearly impossible to create a theology of sex without mentioning homosexuality (or bisexuality or transexuality). The church has a long history of staying silent on topics it does not understand or topics which it finds unseemly, and that silence is detrimental to our witness. However, I desperately don't want to talk about this. I am deeply non-confrontational, and this topic is one that will almost certainly make someone angry with me.
A Safe Conversation
With my insecurities in mind, I've decided to lay myself bare. I'm going to share my heart and my mind. I'll explain my motivations and my doubts. I'll ask you to accept my ignorance and my indecisions. I hope that by being so honest, you will understand me even if you do not agree with me. My hope is that honest and compassionate conversations can occur in which people on all sides of the gay/Christian dialogue can speak and be heard. This is my contribution.
Why I Want the Gay Community to be Correct
One of the most impactful moments of my Christian experience was when I realized God's instructions in the Bible were given for our benefit. A world full of people who don't lie, who give sacrificially to each other, who don't murder, and who submit to each other out of love sounds like a fantastic place to live. God's laws keep us from harming each other.
But what about two men who love each other? What about two women who want to commit to marrying each other? I don't understand how that harms anyone. There are homosexual behaviors that are harmful just as there are heterosexual behaviors that are harmful. But it seems to me that a committed monogamous relationship of love between two consenting adults is not inherently harmful just because both members of the union share the same sex organs.
I have seen this played out in family members who are openly gay and married. I love these family members, and I'm so grateful for the fun I have with them and the patience they have shown as my conservative family slowly processed a new kind of relationship. I don't see any evidence of their relationship being any more broken or sinful than any of my heterosexually married family members.
Similarly, I want those family members who are queer to feel loved and accepted. I want them to be right. I want them to be validated. I hate how they are sometimes treated, either with open hostility or with silent judgment. The reaction of the Church to an increasingly vocal gay community has been largely despicable. Men and women whom I normally respect have spoken with unthinking hatred, which has caused me to doubt what they say, even if there might be some truth to their words. Which leads me to...
Why I Want the Christian Community to be Correct
I am a Christian, and the Church has long affirmed homosexuality to be a sin. In creation before the Fall, God created one man and one woman who would intimately know each other sexually, emotionally, vocationally, and psychologically. After the Fall, everything God had created was broken and skewed, including sex. The result of the Fall is adultery, dominance, and historically, homosexuality. This is what I was raised to believe. This is what most of the men and women who display the grace and truth of Jesus Christ to me believe.
I also have to admit that I'm scared of the Church being wrong. If we admit that for 2,000 years we have misinterpreted the Bible and taught something false, there is a good possibility that more accusations and more doubts will follow. If our teaching on sex is wrong, what about the truly important things such as God's unfailing love and offer of salvation? How could the Church admit ignorance on one topic without opening the floodgates of disbelief?
A Sidenote
I am not queer. I do believe that Christians ought to have an informed worldview, and that lack of experience does not necessarily mean we have nothing to say. However, I am very aware that the complexity and depth of the conversation does not affect me the way it does gay, lesbian, bi, and transexual individuals. I sincerely hope my words are full of grace, not in any way cavalier because I do not have a personal stake in the matter.
This is Not a Discussion About Politics
I think the political topic of legalizing gay marriage is separate from my conversation about the morality of homosexuality.
In the interest of full disclosure, I support gay marriage. I do not understand the reasoning that allowing gay marriage somehow cheapens straight marriage. One of the most freeing things I've ever learned is that I only have the power to control myself. The state of my (hypothetical) future marriage will entirely rest upon myself and my husband. The two of us will demonstrate to the world how pure or debased our marriage is no matter what anyone else is doing in their marriage.
I also don't believe we live in a theocracy, nor do I want to. The United States of America is separate from the Kingdom of God. The only time I want to live in an enforced Christian society is with Jesus in charge. Any man or woman ruling a Christian society is doomed to eventual failure, because no matter how sanctified we are, all of us are still broken people living in a broken world.
We do not live in a theocracy, and I do not want to impose my morality upon others when the issue has nothing to do with safety.
Christian Morality is Not to be Imposed upon Non-Christians
The amazing centrality of Christian faith is that when someone places their trust in Jesus and decides to give their lives to Him, God's Holy Spirit will mysteriously indwell us, guiding us into deeper relationship with God, revealing our selfish ways and transforming our hearts into reflections of God's character. This is fantastic, and I love being on this journey with God, trusting in Him to give me a heart of compassion and humility.
But if we believe we are supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit, and yet still sin and act selfishly, how in the world can we expect non-Christians who, according to our theology, do not have God working in them to live by our morality? We can't, and we shouldn't.
Our first level of change must be ourselves. We have to be concerned with the state of our relationship with God, always diving deeper into His love and conforming our attitudes and actions to Him. I think we also have a responsibility to our Christian brothers and sisters. The great gift of the Church was given so that we might walk this difficult path of redemption alongside people who will support and encourage us. This means calling each other out when necessary and shouldering each other's burdens.
But we cannot force people who do not trust in Jesus to walk our path of self-sacrifice and abundant living. So the question comes down to this: as responsible for myself (who does not struggle with same-sex attraction) and my fellow Christians (who may or may not be queer), is homosexuality a sin?
The Bible Says Its Piece
I'll admit up front that this section is largely summarizing a chapter from Justin Lee's Torn. I'm not going to get into details because he already did so very nicely. What I want to say is that the Bible must always be interpreted. There are some issues, like God's holiness, justice, mercy, and love, that are consistently described, revealed, and discussed throughout both the Old and New Testaments. The doctrines of who God is and the salvation He provides through Jesus Christ are central to our faith. Without the saving death and resurrection of Jesus, we have no hope and nothing to offer the world.
However, there are other issues that are mentioned much less frequently. It is this category into which homosexuality falls. It is mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments, but in each instance, a case could be made that another sin is really on the line. Perhaps the act of gay sex was the sin, or perhaps it was inhospitality (Genesis 19) or idolatry (Romans 1). Translating Hebrew and Greek words for homosexuality are inherently interpretive as well. Even if the historical interpretations are true, it is unlikely that any of those events are referring to a monogamous committed relationship.
It is therefore difficult to definitively say homosexuality is definitely a sin according to the Bible. Men and women who are deeply committed to Jesus have interpreted the same verses in different ways. On the other hand, nowhere in the Bible are gay relationships spoken of positively. This silence combined with the previous verses might mean that homosexuality is a broken form of God's created sexuality.
Where I Stand
My emotions, motivations, and knowledge are all confused. I can argue myself into either position. The way I see people representing the gay community or Christian community sometimes makes me
support their position and sometimes makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Neither side seems to be consistently handling the situation well, and I don't know what to think.
And that, after years of thinking and rethinking, after this incredibly long article, is my opinion.
I don't know whether homosexuality is a sin or not.
The thing is, though, I don't mind not knowing. Whether or not a man can sexually love another man is such a tiny issue compared to what I believe truly matters. Gay or straight, we are not supposed to find our identity in our sexuality. If we have chosen to follow and obey Jesus Christ, our identity is found in Him alone. I am a Christian, and that identity overwhelms and envelopes my identities as a woman, an American, an academic, or a heterosexual.
What's more, I return to the promise of the Holy Spirit. I am confident that God knows what He desires for us, and that if a queer person is fully committed to serving Him, the Holy Spirit will work in that person's heart to transform him or her into the image of Christ. In my ignorance of this topic and my fear of the divisiveness it causes, I happily hand the responsibility over to God. I trust that He is powerful enough to do what He wants in His time and in His ways.
Where I Hope to Go From Here
Believe it or not, this post was originally much longer. I have so many things to say on this topic, and many times I ran down rabbit trails only to delete them before publication. This is, I think, enough of what I want to say to get my point across.
My desire is to live a life that glorifies God. This means aligning my will to His. This means sharing His offer of love and salvation to everyone so that others might love Him like I do. I want God to be worshiped because I truly believe He is the best. Anything that separates people from desiring a relationship with Him is dangerous, and I think the Church's reaction to the gay community has turned many people away from knowing Him.
I am comfortable in my doubts, because what I desire is for everyone to trust in Jesus and let their identity be formed in Him. When anyone, gay or straight, does that, I trust in God's power and love to transform them however He desires.
In today's cultural climate, it's nearly impossible to create a theology of sex without mentioning homosexuality (or bisexuality or transexuality). The church has a long history of staying silent on topics it does not understand or topics which it finds unseemly, and that silence is detrimental to our witness. However, I desperately don't want to talk about this. I am deeply non-confrontational, and this topic is one that will almost certainly make someone angry with me.
A Safe Conversation
With my insecurities in mind, I've decided to lay myself bare. I'm going to share my heart and my mind. I'll explain my motivations and my doubts. I'll ask you to accept my ignorance and my indecisions. I hope that by being so honest, you will understand me even if you do not agree with me. My hope is that honest and compassionate conversations can occur in which people on all sides of the gay/Christian dialogue can speak and be heard. This is my contribution.
Why I Want the Gay Community to be Correct
One of the most impactful moments of my Christian experience was when I realized God's instructions in the Bible were given for our benefit. A world full of people who don't lie, who give sacrificially to each other, who don't murder, and who submit to each other out of love sounds like a fantastic place to live. God's laws keep us from harming each other.
But what about two men who love each other? What about two women who want to commit to marrying each other? I don't understand how that harms anyone. There are homosexual behaviors that are harmful just as there are heterosexual behaviors that are harmful. But it seems to me that a committed monogamous relationship of love between two consenting adults is not inherently harmful just because both members of the union share the same sex organs.
I have seen this played out in family members who are openly gay and married. I love these family members, and I'm so grateful for the fun I have with them and the patience they have shown as my conservative family slowly processed a new kind of relationship. I don't see any evidence of their relationship being any more broken or sinful than any of my heterosexually married family members.
Similarly, I want those family members who are queer to feel loved and accepted. I want them to be right. I want them to be validated. I hate how they are sometimes treated, either with open hostility or with silent judgment. The reaction of the Church to an increasingly vocal gay community has been largely despicable. Men and women whom I normally respect have spoken with unthinking hatred, which has caused me to doubt what they say, even if there might be some truth to their words. Which leads me to...
Why I Want the Christian Community to be Correct
I am a Christian, and the Church has long affirmed homosexuality to be a sin. In creation before the Fall, God created one man and one woman who would intimately know each other sexually, emotionally, vocationally, and psychologically. After the Fall, everything God had created was broken and skewed, including sex. The result of the Fall is adultery, dominance, and historically, homosexuality. This is what I was raised to believe. This is what most of the men and women who display the grace and truth of Jesus Christ to me believe.
I also have to admit that I'm scared of the Church being wrong. If we admit that for 2,000 years we have misinterpreted the Bible and taught something false, there is a good possibility that more accusations and more doubts will follow. If our teaching on sex is wrong, what about the truly important things such as God's unfailing love and offer of salvation? How could the Church admit ignorance on one topic without opening the floodgates of disbelief?
A Sidenote
I am not queer. I do believe that Christians ought to have an informed worldview, and that lack of experience does not necessarily mean we have nothing to say. However, I am very aware that the complexity and depth of the conversation does not affect me the way it does gay, lesbian, bi, and transexual individuals. I sincerely hope my words are full of grace, not in any way cavalier because I do not have a personal stake in the matter.
This is Not a Discussion About Politics
I think the political topic of legalizing gay marriage is separate from my conversation about the morality of homosexuality.
In the interest of full disclosure, I support gay marriage. I do not understand the reasoning that allowing gay marriage somehow cheapens straight marriage. One of the most freeing things I've ever learned is that I only have the power to control myself. The state of my (hypothetical) future marriage will entirely rest upon myself and my husband. The two of us will demonstrate to the world how pure or debased our marriage is no matter what anyone else is doing in their marriage.
I also don't believe we live in a theocracy, nor do I want to. The United States of America is separate from the Kingdom of God. The only time I want to live in an enforced Christian society is with Jesus in charge. Any man or woman ruling a Christian society is doomed to eventual failure, because no matter how sanctified we are, all of us are still broken people living in a broken world.
We do not live in a theocracy, and I do not want to impose my morality upon others when the issue has nothing to do with safety.
Christian Morality is Not to be Imposed upon Non-Christians
The amazing centrality of Christian faith is that when someone places their trust in Jesus and decides to give their lives to Him, God's Holy Spirit will mysteriously indwell us, guiding us into deeper relationship with God, revealing our selfish ways and transforming our hearts into reflections of God's character. This is fantastic, and I love being on this journey with God, trusting in Him to give me a heart of compassion and humility.
But if we believe we are supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit, and yet still sin and act selfishly, how in the world can we expect non-Christians who, according to our theology, do not have God working in them to live by our morality? We can't, and we shouldn't.
Our first level of change must be ourselves. We have to be concerned with the state of our relationship with God, always diving deeper into His love and conforming our attitudes and actions to Him. I think we also have a responsibility to our Christian brothers and sisters. The great gift of the Church was given so that we might walk this difficult path of redemption alongside people who will support and encourage us. This means calling each other out when necessary and shouldering each other's burdens.
But we cannot force people who do not trust in Jesus to walk our path of self-sacrifice and abundant living. So the question comes down to this: as responsible for myself (who does not struggle with same-sex attraction) and my fellow Christians (who may or may not be queer), is homosexuality a sin?
The Bible Says Its Piece
I'll admit up front that this section is largely summarizing a chapter from Justin Lee's Torn. I'm not going to get into details because he already did so very nicely. What I want to say is that the Bible must always be interpreted. There are some issues, like God's holiness, justice, mercy, and love, that are consistently described, revealed, and discussed throughout both the Old and New Testaments. The doctrines of who God is and the salvation He provides through Jesus Christ are central to our faith. Without the saving death and resurrection of Jesus, we have no hope and nothing to offer the world.
However, there are other issues that are mentioned much less frequently. It is this category into which homosexuality falls. It is mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments, but in each instance, a case could be made that another sin is really on the line. Perhaps the act of gay sex was the sin, or perhaps it was inhospitality (Genesis 19) or idolatry (Romans 1). Translating Hebrew and Greek words for homosexuality are inherently interpretive as well. Even if the historical interpretations are true, it is unlikely that any of those events are referring to a monogamous committed relationship.
It is therefore difficult to definitively say homosexuality is definitely a sin according to the Bible. Men and women who are deeply committed to Jesus have interpreted the same verses in different ways. On the other hand, nowhere in the Bible are gay relationships spoken of positively. This silence combined with the previous verses might mean that homosexuality is a broken form of God's created sexuality.
Where I Stand
My emotions, motivations, and knowledge are all confused. I can argue myself into either position. The way I see people representing the gay community or Christian community sometimes makes me
support their position and sometimes makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Neither side seems to be consistently handling the situation well, and I don't know what to think.
And that, after years of thinking and rethinking, after this incredibly long article, is my opinion.
I don't know whether homosexuality is a sin or not.
The thing is, though, I don't mind not knowing. Whether or not a man can sexually love another man is such a tiny issue compared to what I believe truly matters. Gay or straight, we are not supposed to find our identity in our sexuality. If we have chosen to follow and obey Jesus Christ, our identity is found in Him alone. I am a Christian, and that identity overwhelms and envelopes my identities as a woman, an American, an academic, or a heterosexual.
What's more, I return to the promise of the Holy Spirit. I am confident that God knows what He desires for us, and that if a queer person is fully committed to serving Him, the Holy Spirit will work in that person's heart to transform him or her into the image of Christ. In my ignorance of this topic and my fear of the divisiveness it causes, I happily hand the responsibility over to God. I trust that He is powerful enough to do what He wants in His time and in His ways.
Where I Hope to Go From Here
Believe it or not, this post was originally much longer. I have so many things to say on this topic, and many times I ran down rabbit trails only to delete them before publication. This is, I think, enough of what I want to say to get my point across.
My desire is to live a life that glorifies God. This means aligning my will to His. This means sharing His offer of love and salvation to everyone so that others might love Him like I do. I want God to be worshiped because I truly believe He is the best. Anything that separates people from desiring a relationship with Him is dangerous, and I think the Church's reaction to the gay community has turned many people away from knowing Him.
I am comfortable in my doubts, because what I desire is for everyone to trust in Jesus and let their identity be formed in Him. When anyone, gay or straight, does that, I trust in God's power and love to transform them however He desires.
Single Sexuality
As a single woman growing up in the Church, I was given a rotating combination of these messages: 1) Don't lead your brothers astray by dressing immodestly! 2) You're so good; you'll definitely find a husband soon! 3) Use your singleness to serve God, and maybe you'll find a husband in the process!
I've always felt less-than for being single. Married couples talk about their relationship as an exclusive understanding of God and a necessary part of deeper sanctification. Their eyes glaze as they rhapsodize about the wonder of being married, and even though I am a fan of marriage (I kind of have to be if I'm considering a career in marriage counseling), I often left church gatherings feeling as though I were missing out on some grander plan of God's. Worse, since I'm pretty open to getting married but it hasn't happened, it felt like God was keeping me from knowing Him at this supposed deeper level.
I felt like a kid who was made to walk through a candy shop and then laughed at, because hahahaha, you can't have any of it!
Which is why reading Soul Virgins by Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson was a breath of fresh air. It turns out, dear readers, that single Christians are not defective. And if you think that deep-seated fear sounds ridiculous, please know that I am aware of its ridiculousness. No one ever, to my face, told me that I was inferior for being single. But I think we all ought to step back and ask what it is about church culture that made me feel that way. And based on the numerous single classmates who confessed to devouring the book through tears, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
What makes the book so meaningful? I'd rather you read it than take my word for it, but what sticks out the most is that Rosenau and Wilson gave single Christians a purpose. We aren't sitting in the waiting room, twiddling our fingers and fretting over whether or not there is a husband or wife in our future. Nor are we shutting down our sex drives, reminding ourselves that sex is bad, bad, bad, until that magical day when we might get married and suddenly a switch will be flipped and sex will be good, better, best! Studies have shown that doesn't happen. Repressed Christians often have terrible sex lives until they can work through those issues.
So what does it mean to be single, created by God as a sexual being?
Single Christians Are Sexual
There are boundaries that ought to be in place, of course. Erotic sexual behaviors are for marriage. But single Christians ought to intentionally seek out relationships with the opposite sex. "It is not good for man to be alone." Men and women were created to need each other, to learn from each other, and to support each other. This is not simply the marriage relationship. This is humanity. It is in singleness that we inclusively relate to men and women, affirming who God made them and reminding them of their awesomeness.
In Soul Virgins, the phrase "righteous flirting" is used, which is just strange enough to pique my interest. Make out sessions and copping feels is not on the table. But Dr. Rosenau extends so much grace and trust, encouraging men and women to be carefully intimate with each other, to allow touch (many singles are desperately touch-deprived), and to embrace their sexuality rather than flee from it.
What is Sexuality?
Maybe your face is contorted in horror. Singles embracing their sexuality? The concept was weird for me at first too. It still is, because it goes against all the hyper-sensitive rules I internalized growing up. So let's take a step back.
Sexuality, we were taught, is God's gift to humanity that reveals His heart of relationality. Sexuality is a constant reminder that we need to be close to others, that we crave intimacy and the ability to share our life with someone else. With married couples, that intimacy is expressed exclusively. Much stricter boundaries are raised around a married couple, and with those higher boundaries come an increased amount of allowed activities with each other (I mean sex).
Single men and women are sexual too. We crave intimacy, and here's the thing. We're allowed it. What's more, we can express our need for intimacy inclusively. I can share my heart deeply with many people, unencumbered by many of the walls surrounding a marriage. I'm not saying married people cannot have intimate relationships with someone other than their spouses; in fact, I am definitively in favor to marrieds having close friends. But there is still a priority to one's spouse that a single person does not have to worry about.
Single Sexuality as Freedom
Part of the problem is that we so often think sexuality means sex and nothing more. This is the cause of many sexual sins. Sexuality needs to be reframed, and singles need to start considering whether or not they are looking to get non-sexual needs met in sexual ways.
Loneliness is a huge concern for singles. Many get entangled in romantic relationships to ease that ache, and many fall into one-night stands for the momentary closeness provided. But loneliness does not have to be cured with sex. In fact, it cannot be, not permanently. Loneliness is about something else. Our culture is incredibly sexual, and most of us have bought the lie that sex is the answer for everything. It is not. It is wonderful, and singles can long for the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of sex. But a lot of what we long for is something else.
So when we've sorted out our needs and let them catapult us into intimate relationships with men and women, what do we do with the legitimate sexual frustration? Get proactive! Many of the world's greatest books, paintings, or inventions were created by single people. We've got the time. We've got the focus. We're free from a commitment to someone else's wellbeing.
Similarly, singles have freedoms married people don't have. During our lecture on this topic, my heart was heavy, because it was married couples telling us to rejoice in our singleness, and I didn't believe that they actually thought we had something good going for us. But then Debbie Wade interjected and said, "Sometimes at church there's an opportunity for a service or a mission trip, and I desperately want to go. But then I think about how that would affect my husband, and I have to let it go. I'm limited because I'm married." That simple story was like water on my soul. I vibrated in my seat, so thrilled to have heard a married woman say there were benefits to being single.
I'm embarrassed by my reaction. I'm ashamed that I need so much to be affirmed, to be told that I have worth as a single woman. I have not heard often enough or honestly enough (because I won't believe you if it's flippant or obviously an attempt to placate my doubts) the Church affirm that God created me this way, that He loves me as a single person, that I am good and complete right now.
I'm not alone in this feeling. Everyone I talked to in my class who was single felt like we were hearing something new. If you are reading this and are single, I hope you take some comfort in what I wrote. If you are reading this and are married, I ask you to think long and hard about how you can joyfully display the meaning of your marriage while simultaneously affirming and humanizing the single people in your life.
This is an issue that the Church must address if it wants to address an ever-growing population of men and women who could be unrestrained workers for Christ, but who often sit at home waiting for the spouse who will "allow" them to be fully functional in the Body of Christ.
I've always felt less-than for being single. Married couples talk about their relationship as an exclusive understanding of God and a necessary part of deeper sanctification. Their eyes glaze as they rhapsodize about the wonder of being married, and even though I am a fan of marriage (I kind of have to be if I'm considering a career in marriage counseling), I often left church gatherings feeling as though I were missing out on some grander plan of God's. Worse, since I'm pretty open to getting married but it hasn't happened, it felt like God was keeping me from knowing Him at this supposed deeper level.
I felt like a kid who was made to walk through a candy shop and then laughed at, because hahahaha, you can't have any of it!
Which is why reading Soul Virgins by Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson was a breath of fresh air. It turns out, dear readers, that single Christians are not defective. And if you think that deep-seated fear sounds ridiculous, please know that I am aware of its ridiculousness. No one ever, to my face, told me that I was inferior for being single. But I think we all ought to step back and ask what it is about church culture that made me feel that way. And based on the numerous single classmates who confessed to devouring the book through tears, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
What makes the book so meaningful? I'd rather you read it than take my word for it, but what sticks out the most is that Rosenau and Wilson gave single Christians a purpose. We aren't sitting in the waiting room, twiddling our fingers and fretting over whether or not there is a husband or wife in our future. Nor are we shutting down our sex drives, reminding ourselves that sex is bad, bad, bad, until that magical day when we might get married and suddenly a switch will be flipped and sex will be good, better, best! Studies have shown that doesn't happen. Repressed Christians often have terrible sex lives until they can work through those issues.
So what does it mean to be single, created by God as a sexual being?
Single Christians Are Sexual
There are boundaries that ought to be in place, of course. Erotic sexual behaviors are for marriage. But single Christians ought to intentionally seek out relationships with the opposite sex. "It is not good for man to be alone." Men and women were created to need each other, to learn from each other, and to support each other. This is not simply the marriage relationship. This is humanity. It is in singleness that we inclusively relate to men and women, affirming who God made them and reminding them of their awesomeness.
In Soul Virgins, the phrase "righteous flirting" is used, which is just strange enough to pique my interest. Make out sessions and copping feels is not on the table. But Dr. Rosenau extends so much grace and trust, encouraging men and women to be carefully intimate with each other, to allow touch (many singles are desperately touch-deprived), and to embrace their sexuality rather than flee from it.
What is Sexuality?
Maybe your face is contorted in horror. Singles embracing their sexuality? The concept was weird for me at first too. It still is, because it goes against all the hyper-sensitive rules I internalized growing up. So let's take a step back.
Sexuality, we were taught, is God's gift to humanity that reveals His heart of relationality. Sexuality is a constant reminder that we need to be close to others, that we crave intimacy and the ability to share our life with someone else. With married couples, that intimacy is expressed exclusively. Much stricter boundaries are raised around a married couple, and with those higher boundaries come an increased amount of allowed activities with each other (I mean sex).
Single men and women are sexual too. We crave intimacy, and here's the thing. We're allowed it. What's more, we can express our need for intimacy inclusively. I can share my heart deeply with many people, unencumbered by many of the walls surrounding a marriage. I'm not saying married people cannot have intimate relationships with someone other than their spouses; in fact, I am definitively in favor to marrieds having close friends. But there is still a priority to one's spouse that a single person does not have to worry about.
Single Sexuality as Freedom
Part of the problem is that we so often think sexuality means sex and nothing more. This is the cause of many sexual sins. Sexuality needs to be reframed, and singles need to start considering whether or not they are looking to get non-sexual needs met in sexual ways.
Loneliness is a huge concern for singles. Many get entangled in romantic relationships to ease that ache, and many fall into one-night stands for the momentary closeness provided. But loneliness does not have to be cured with sex. In fact, it cannot be, not permanently. Loneliness is about something else. Our culture is incredibly sexual, and most of us have bought the lie that sex is the answer for everything. It is not. It is wonderful, and singles can long for the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of sex. But a lot of what we long for is something else.
So when we've sorted out our needs and let them catapult us into intimate relationships with men and women, what do we do with the legitimate sexual frustration? Get proactive! Many of the world's greatest books, paintings, or inventions were created by single people. We've got the time. We've got the focus. We're free from a commitment to someone else's wellbeing.
Similarly, singles have freedoms married people don't have. During our lecture on this topic, my heart was heavy, because it was married couples telling us to rejoice in our singleness, and I didn't believe that they actually thought we had something good going for us. But then Debbie Wade interjected and said, "Sometimes at church there's an opportunity for a service or a mission trip, and I desperately want to go. But then I think about how that would affect my husband, and I have to let it go. I'm limited because I'm married." That simple story was like water on my soul. I vibrated in my seat, so thrilled to have heard a married woman say there were benefits to being single.
I'm embarrassed by my reaction. I'm ashamed that I need so much to be affirmed, to be told that I have worth as a single woman. I have not heard often enough or honestly enough (because I won't believe you if it's flippant or obviously an attempt to placate my doubts) the Church affirm that God created me this way, that He loves me as a single person, that I am good and complete right now.
I'm not alone in this feeling. Everyone I talked to in my class who was single felt like we were hearing something new. If you are reading this and are single, I hope you take some comfort in what I wrote. If you are reading this and are married, I ask you to think long and hard about how you can joyfully display the meaning of your marriage while simultaneously affirming and humanizing the single people in your life.
This is an issue that the Church must address if it wants to address an ever-growing population of men and women who could be unrestrained workers for Christ, but who often sit at home waiting for the spouse who will "allow" them to be fully functional in the Body of Christ.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Gender and Sexuality
Gender is my hot spot. I'm pretty down with traditional sexuality, most of the time, kind of. But the traditional Christian teachings on gender make me furious. One of the books we had to read for class had a chapter on masculinity and another chapter on femininity. I scrawled angry notes in the margin like "oh, so women don't need affirmation?" or "I can think of five examples OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD that are the exact opposite!!"
My reaction is definitely rooted in personal issues. For the first eighteen years of my life, I desperately wanted to be the good little homemaker who married young, popped out babies, and submitted joyfully to her husband without a thought as to what I would contribute to the world myself. College began a painfully introspective journey that showed me I do not fit in that mold. I want so badly to contribute to the world's conversations. I want my voice to be heard. I want to support people, yes, and I hope to be married. But I don't want my life to disappear into a man's simply because he's my husband.
What's more, I took psychology classes that listed masculine and feminine traits. I looked at the columns disconcertingly. Sure, I'm more cooperative than competitive. But I'm deeply academic and more comfortable discussing ideas rather than feelings. I hate admitting I'm weak or wrong, and I crave respect and affirmation. I identify myself based on my work ("I'm a librarian" or "I'm a grad student") rather than by my relationships. As for gendered roles? Hah. I could care less about a clean house, and while I can follow a recipe, I'd rather use the microwave. Kids are cool, but I've never felt the desire to push one out of my vagina. In fact, while I'm very into adopting, it's mostly from a place of joyful duty rather than maternal instinct.
So fine. I'm not 100% feminine. Most of the world would say, duh. No one is totally masculine or feminine. Most of the world, however, is not the Church. I constantly felt that all I could offer to God were the parts of me that were feminine, and that anything else I felt capable of would be frowned upon. There was always an underlying dread that there was something wrong with me because I was not entirely feminine.
I thought this class would go down the same lines, but instead we were taught gender stereotypes as useful counseling aids. Women tend to act this way in this situation, but men tend act the opposite way, we were told. Not all women and men will do so, but if this is an issue in a marriage, point it out and maybe they will realize it's a common issue. There was no one right way to be a woman or a man, we were told. We're uniquely made by God with a blend of masculinity and femininity, and anyway, women and men are more alike than different.
My issue is that so much of gender is cultural. It's hard for me to accept that God wired tendencies into our social expressions. Which made me quite happy to jump on board their proposed gendered divide.
God created humanity as male and female. Women and men reveal God in unique ways. Through nurturing and providing? Eh. What about this instead? Men are biologically wired to be sexually predictable. Grab and rub, and they're good to go. This biological makeup reveals the immutability of our God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Women, however, are wired to be sexually complex. Because of hormonal cycles throughout the month and throughout a lifetime, stimuli can be arousing one day and a sexual shut-down the next. This biological makeup reveals the mystery and complexity if God. We can know Him more and more intimately every day, never fully understanding His mystery.
So there you go. Gender is a sore topic for me, but I'll stand on that one, and love it too. Men reveal the predictability of God and women reveal His complexity. Since I'm touchy on this subject, let me assure everyone that this is not necessarily universal. I'm sure exceptions exist, and I don't think they are any less loved by God. But I'll put my stake on something biological and reflexive as wired into us by God before cultural and familial cues any day.
My reaction is definitely rooted in personal issues. For the first eighteen years of my life, I desperately wanted to be the good little homemaker who married young, popped out babies, and submitted joyfully to her husband without a thought as to what I would contribute to the world myself. College began a painfully introspective journey that showed me I do not fit in that mold. I want so badly to contribute to the world's conversations. I want my voice to be heard. I want to support people, yes, and I hope to be married. But I don't want my life to disappear into a man's simply because he's my husband.
What's more, I took psychology classes that listed masculine and feminine traits. I looked at the columns disconcertingly. Sure, I'm more cooperative than competitive. But I'm deeply academic and more comfortable discussing ideas rather than feelings. I hate admitting I'm weak or wrong, and I crave respect and affirmation. I identify myself based on my work ("I'm a librarian" or "I'm a grad student") rather than by my relationships. As for gendered roles? Hah. I could care less about a clean house, and while I can follow a recipe, I'd rather use the microwave. Kids are cool, but I've never felt the desire to push one out of my vagina. In fact, while I'm very into adopting, it's mostly from a place of joyful duty rather than maternal instinct.
So fine. I'm not 100% feminine. Most of the world would say, duh. No one is totally masculine or feminine. Most of the world, however, is not the Church. I constantly felt that all I could offer to God were the parts of me that were feminine, and that anything else I felt capable of would be frowned upon. There was always an underlying dread that there was something wrong with me because I was not entirely feminine.
I thought this class would go down the same lines, but instead we were taught gender stereotypes as useful counseling aids. Women tend to act this way in this situation, but men tend act the opposite way, we were told. Not all women and men will do so, but if this is an issue in a marriage, point it out and maybe they will realize it's a common issue. There was no one right way to be a woman or a man, we were told. We're uniquely made by God with a blend of masculinity and femininity, and anyway, women and men are more alike than different.
My issue is that so much of gender is cultural. It's hard for me to accept that God wired tendencies into our social expressions. Which made me quite happy to jump on board their proposed gendered divide.
God created humanity as male and female. Women and men reveal God in unique ways. Through nurturing and providing? Eh. What about this instead? Men are biologically wired to be sexually predictable. Grab and rub, and they're good to go. This biological makeup reveals the immutability of our God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Women, however, are wired to be sexually complex. Because of hormonal cycles throughout the month and throughout a lifetime, stimuli can be arousing one day and a sexual shut-down the next. This biological makeup reveals the mystery and complexity if God. We can know Him more and more intimately every day, never fully understanding His mystery.
So there you go. Gender is a sore topic for me, but I'll stand on that one, and love it too. Men reveal the predictability of God and women reveal His complexity. Since I'm touchy on this subject, let me assure everyone that this is not necessarily universal. I'm sure exceptions exist, and I don't think they are any less loved by God. But I'll put my stake on something biological and reflexive as wired into us by God before cultural and familial cues any day.
A Theology of Sexuality
As stolen from part one of a paper I had to write for my class:
As
followers of Christ, we must seek to align our relationships and
actions with the revealed will of the triune God. This includes sex,
although the subject is unfortunately ignored by many churches. From
the very beginning, God created humanity as sexual beings, and we can
better understand both ourselves and our God by grasping this truth.
Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the
image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
Just as the triune God exists in eternal loving relationship, so His
creations were formed to need loving relationships. Understanding
and living out our maleness or femaleness allows us to be image
bearers of God. We are made to crave relationships, whether with
family, friends, or in a committed marriage. By serving and loving
one another selflessly, we display our sexuality and glorify the love
that exists between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Like the rest of
the world, however, our purpose became much more difficult to fulfill
after the corruption of sin. God, in His goodness, provided
instructions on how to manage and celebrate our sexuality.
As
the most exclusive relationship to image God's character, marriage is
especially prone to corruption. Proverbs 5:15-21 encourages spouses
to joyfully remain faithful to one another. Throughout Scripture,
the breaking of marital vows is condemned, but here God speaks
positively, exhorting His followers, “May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (v. 18). Contrary
to the patriarchal society that ruled the Biblical eras (and
continues today), the Bible teaches mutuality within a marriage.
Just as the Trinity is equal in authority but distinct in function,
so too must husband and wife glory in their differences while
affirming equality. Ephesians 5:21-33 teaches wives and husbands to
put one another's interests before their own, sacrificing themselves
daily out of love for their spouse. With love and respect, marriages
ought to be characterized by men and women who “Submit to one
another out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21). Similarly, 1
Corinthians 7:3-5 teaches physical mutuality; the husband's body
belongs to the wife, and the wife's body belongs to the husband. In
marriage, two individuals agree to become one, living out their
God-given sexuality in exclusive relationship to another, selflessly
loving each other as image bearers of the Triune God.
1
Corinthians 7:32-35 exhorts single men and women to live out their
sexuality inclusively. In singleness, an individual devotes himself
or herself entirely to God, selflessly loving all people to the glory
of God. Whether married or single, young or old, God created us as
His image bearers with sexuality that causes us to desire
relationship. Although it is often difficult to honor God in our
relationships, He patiently teaches us how to love as He loves.
Colossians 3:12-14 speaks to all followers of Christ, saying,
“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and
patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you
may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in
perfect unity.”
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