The college kids and I planned a Fellowship Weekend (incorrectly named--should have been Service Weekend) for the youth group, and by "college kids and I" who I really mean is Ashley Wineinger.
I'm glad to still be involved with the youth group, because lo! I am still a child. Lockins? Yes, please. Using my age to snatch couch cushions from the boy's room to sleep on? Added benefit!
So how much fun was the weekend? Well, there was much baking of cookies, watching children, and dance parties in the kitchen (which was mostly me jumping around at people who either laughed at me or stared at me like they feared for my sanity....awesomely enough, Michael Baker was most likely to dance along). We had a little worship service at 9:00, which was great even if the kids utterly ignored the youtube songs we chose. Then Nathan spoke, which just made my heart squench, and yes I am revolutionizing the world and turning that into a verb.
The kids went outside for a snowball/mud fight, but I played Dominion with Scott, Anessa, Lindsay, and Nathan. So much fun! I don't even know how, because there's so little to actually do, and it's not loud and...it's just kind of addicting. Then we played the dice game from PotC, which is even more randomly fun.
Finally at 2:00 we all went to bed. Mostly.
In the morning we ate breakfast and played PotC dice (Nathan: Soooo...we have five seconds, want to play?) until teams were divvied up and we were off to visit Seasoned Saints. Which, I'm sorry, but I think I would take far more offense at being labeled "Seasoned Saints" than "older members of our church." Don't patronize me, youngsters!
I was paired with Kayli, which was lovely, because we've never actually had a chance to talk, and I quite like her. We visited three families, and it was all just really great. We were lucky to have people who were not weirded out with "hello people I barely know--come sit in my living room!" and who were conversationally vibrant. I actually really enjoyed the morning, and I think Kayli did too.
Then hanging out and disgusting details of childbirth (though this time from the male perspective, which was so much more with the hilarity), then lunch, then Viral Video Film School BECAUSE THAT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY, then home. Then I slept for four hours, because I was beat.
Also, I finished memorizing Psalm 139! I'm glad David got me into that, because it really is valuable to memorize Scripture and have it come to mind. During worship last night, we sang some song about God being with us and shining on us, so I leaned over to David and said, "When I awake, I am still with You" and he was all, "I was just thinking that!" How fun to talk Bible and it be about life. Good times.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Family
Roy came home this weekend. I feel like I should have a lot to say about that, but the only thing in my head is this: It's nice not being an only child, even if only for a weekend.
Being surrounded by my blood family was lovely, and there was a lot of laughter and memories, etc. But it made me appreciate my spiritual family, oddly enough. Because the biggest thing in my life is God. Everything revolves around Him--my past, my present, my future. And while I'm getting better about being honest about God's impact on my life when talking with my father and brother, it's a totally different thing to talk TO someone about God rather than talk WITH someone.
I love my church family, who mock me and love me and encourage me. I love my friends, who inspire me and put me in my place and fill me with joy. I love the believers around the world who are serving God and allowing me to participate by financially supporting them. I love Melengo, my Tanzanian Compassion kid who just sent me new pictures.
It astounds me how my heart is knitted so closely to these people who are from my city or from other countries, who are male and female, who are young and old, who I have known for years or have never met. The only thing we all have in common is a love for Jesus, and somehow, magically supernaturally, that makes us family. I love that.
So I love Roy, and I love my mom and my dad. But more than the blood bonds I have with them, I am thankful for the extended and ever-growing family God has given me.
Being surrounded by my blood family was lovely, and there was a lot of laughter and memories, etc. But it made me appreciate my spiritual family, oddly enough. Because the biggest thing in my life is God. Everything revolves around Him--my past, my present, my future. And while I'm getting better about being honest about God's impact on my life when talking with my father and brother, it's a totally different thing to talk TO someone about God rather than talk WITH someone.
I love my church family, who mock me and love me and encourage me. I love my friends, who inspire me and put me in my place and fill me with joy. I love the believers around the world who are serving God and allowing me to participate by financially supporting them. I love Melengo, my Tanzanian Compassion kid who just sent me new pictures.
It astounds me how my heart is knitted so closely to these people who are from my city or from other countries, who are male and female, who are young and old, who I have known for years or have never met. The only thing we all have in common is a love for Jesus, and somehow, magically supernaturally, that makes us family. I love that.
So I love Roy, and I love my mom and my dad. But more than the blood bonds I have with them, I am thankful for the extended and ever-growing family God has given me.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Have More Kindred Spirits Than I Know What To Do With
Today I know two things:
1) God loves me. Individually, like he cares specifically for my mental and emotional wellbeing.
2) God wants me to go into missions.
Why do I know these things? Because it is hard to live post-college. At Union, I could have crazy awesome conversations about serving God and following Him around the world any night of the week with anyone who crossed my path. I was surrounded by people who were being called into the same lifestyle that I was. Now I am surrounded by married people and young people and people who are pursuing careers. Which is fine for them, if that is what God wants for them. But it can be subtly discouraging for me.
But! To keep me from losing focus entirely, God sends people along to remind me of what I love, and to refill me with a passion for going to all the world to make disciples for the greatest God ever. Right when I got back from Senegal, He sent Megan Sage. Then there was Gany. And today there was Rebekah Warner.
Rebekah was one of those baby-friends, and I remember liking her in preschool. But then she moved to Japan, and when she came back to the States, it wasn't to Peoria. She went to Music Camp with me in 6th grade, but I don't remember why. And that is probably the last time I saw her.
But in an awesome God move, she sent a letter to our family asking for support because she is going to South Africa for three years, and she needs money. I contacted her, and today we met up, because WE ARE THE SAME PERSON.
We met at Starbucks at 10:30, and when I finally looked at my cell phone, two whole hours had flown by. God is so good--talking to her was exactly what I needed. She shares so many of my thoughts, about loving cultures, about wanting to live radically where finances are concerned, about wanting true Christianity, not something tainted by American culture or entitlement or self. It was so good to hear her say my thoughts, and to think, "Yes! That's why I feel this way! We can do great things for God! We are meant to stick out, to look completely ridiculous to the world."
And it was so wonderful to be able to share my experience with someone and pass on a bit of wisdom. I could tell her about culture shock and getting used to being the only white face in a crowd. It's so nice to know that God is still using my time in Senegal to help others.
But the best part. Rebekah said, "I mean, it's really the easy way out. Living in Africa? That's where it's easiest to trust God and love Him and tell people about Him. Staying in America and getting a job? That would be hard. Being a radical Christian and avoiding the American dream? That's hard. I'd much rather be a missionary."
Yes yes yes you are reading my thoughts. And then she absolutely healed my heart. I have had such little confidence in my life ever since some people told me I'd done things wrong, and am currently doing things wrong. And I don't think I am. I really think God told me to stop applying to missions programs. I think being patient and waiting for God to open doors is incredibly important and hard and sanctifying. But now I've got voices in my head telling me I'm wrong, that I should be more proactive, that I'm a failure.
But Rebekah stopped and told me, "You're doing the hard part. I'm definitely going to be praying for you, because it's amazing that you are waiting. You're living in America even though you have a passion for missions, and that is way harder than what I'm doing."
My word, I'm going to cry. Stupid. But it was so....just....it was exactly what my soul needed to hear. God wants me to go into missions, and I am keeping my ears and my heart open for the moment when He says yes. But I know that already I am learning a lot of lessons here in Peoria. I'm learning to love kids, to plan events, to teach, to mentor, to love people I don't necessarily love. God is preparing me for the service I will do sometime, somewhere. I am waiting. And it's so nice to have someone understand that it is HARD to be in America when all I want is to be somewhere else.
I'm so glad God let me have one of Rebekah's mornings. I think she's going to be absolutely brilliant in South Africa, and I hope we will be friends on and off in this lifetime. I can't wait to hear about all her adventures. I can't wait to have adventures myself, but I know that God's timing is better than mine.
1) God loves me. Individually, like he cares specifically for my mental and emotional wellbeing.
2) God wants me to go into missions.
Why do I know these things? Because it is hard to live post-college. At Union, I could have crazy awesome conversations about serving God and following Him around the world any night of the week with anyone who crossed my path. I was surrounded by people who were being called into the same lifestyle that I was. Now I am surrounded by married people and young people and people who are pursuing careers. Which is fine for them, if that is what God wants for them. But it can be subtly discouraging for me.
But! To keep me from losing focus entirely, God sends people along to remind me of what I love, and to refill me with a passion for going to all the world to make disciples for the greatest God ever. Right when I got back from Senegal, He sent Megan Sage. Then there was Gany. And today there was Rebekah Warner.
Rebekah was one of those baby-friends, and I remember liking her in preschool. But then she moved to Japan, and when she came back to the States, it wasn't to Peoria. She went to Music Camp with me in 6th grade, but I don't remember why. And that is probably the last time I saw her.
But in an awesome God move, she sent a letter to our family asking for support because she is going to South Africa for three years, and she needs money. I contacted her, and today we met up, because WE ARE THE SAME PERSON.
We met at Starbucks at 10:30, and when I finally looked at my cell phone, two whole hours had flown by. God is so good--talking to her was exactly what I needed. She shares so many of my thoughts, about loving cultures, about wanting to live radically where finances are concerned, about wanting true Christianity, not something tainted by American culture or entitlement or self. It was so good to hear her say my thoughts, and to think, "Yes! That's why I feel this way! We can do great things for God! We are meant to stick out, to look completely ridiculous to the world."
And it was so wonderful to be able to share my experience with someone and pass on a bit of wisdom. I could tell her about culture shock and getting used to being the only white face in a crowd. It's so nice to know that God is still using my time in Senegal to help others.
But the best part. Rebekah said, "I mean, it's really the easy way out. Living in Africa? That's where it's easiest to trust God and love Him and tell people about Him. Staying in America and getting a job? That would be hard. Being a radical Christian and avoiding the American dream? That's hard. I'd much rather be a missionary."
Yes yes yes you are reading my thoughts. And then she absolutely healed my heart. I have had such little confidence in my life ever since some people told me I'd done things wrong, and am currently doing things wrong. And I don't think I am. I really think God told me to stop applying to missions programs. I think being patient and waiting for God to open doors is incredibly important and hard and sanctifying. But now I've got voices in my head telling me I'm wrong, that I should be more proactive, that I'm a failure.
But Rebekah stopped and told me, "You're doing the hard part. I'm definitely going to be praying for you, because it's amazing that you are waiting. You're living in America even though you have a passion for missions, and that is way harder than what I'm doing."
My word, I'm going to cry. Stupid. But it was so....just....it was exactly what my soul needed to hear. God wants me to go into missions, and I am keeping my ears and my heart open for the moment when He says yes. But I know that already I am learning a lot of lessons here in Peoria. I'm learning to love kids, to plan events, to teach, to mentor, to love people I don't necessarily love. God is preparing me for the service I will do sometime, somewhere. I am waiting. And it's so nice to have someone understand that it is HARD to be in America when all I want is to be somewhere else.
I'm so glad God let me have one of Rebekah's mornings. I think she's going to be absolutely brilliant in South Africa, and I hope we will be friends on and off in this lifetime. I can't wait to hear about all her adventures. I can't wait to have adventures myself, but I know that God's timing is better than mine.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Church Talk
I haven't had much of a chance to process this latest trip to Senegal--the day after I returned to the States, I immediately jumped into a crazy week at work. Then I got a cold, and that was a nice excuse to sleep a lot and deal with the culture shock. And then all of a sudden we were meant to talk. I knew immediately what I would say, and I felt very removed and intellectual about it.
Then we sang "Before the Throne of God Above." And I watched my own slideshow (which has a song from Mumford and Sons....they kill me with their truth and searching and honesty), and at a picture of me with Liz, Jesse, and Melanie, I suddenly choked up. It was only two weeks ago. I miss them. I keep thinking of that night when Travis took me home, and Liz greeted me with, "Good, you're back! I need you to listen to two songs! And then we're going to watch this!" and in the process we talked a lot and laughed a lot and oh my word. I want to go back.
And then Sally talked, and Wendy, Christina, and Cheryl. It was so awesome to hear people talking about my third home, with love and hope and fond memories. I love seeing people love something that I love. Then I talked about the differences since I lived in Senegal, and all the awesome ways God is obviously working in Fatick and West Africa.
I realized something. I think I'm a bit of a mobilizer. I mean, in my Hands On devotionals toward the end, that was a big thing, about going home and mobilizing other people to pray, give, and go. But today I realized that being a mobilizer is not just something I feel I ought to do. It's something I want to do.
I want to see Woodland members selling possessions and downsizing their houses or their retirement funds in order to give money to people working around the world to bring the good news of Jesus to people who don't know Him. I want Woodland members to come together in prayer, covering the world with their faith that God will provide and guard His people. I want Woodland members to rise up, to give up their jobs and take their families to the far corners of the world, to experience the grace and the peace and the love of God and share Him with others. And I want to be right there in the middle of them.
Anyway, it was nice to learn that about myself, because even though Sally talks about all of us finding our niche on the trip....I didn't. I don't know why I went, except that God was gracious and allowed me to see friends and see Him working. Now I think I know a part of it. I'm good with words. I can write, and apparently I can speak okay. I want to use my words to inspire and/or kick people in the pants, to be a part of mobilizing a new wave of devoted and sacrificial people who will follow Jesus into their neighborhoods, their inner cities, their countries, and their world.
Then we sang "Before the Throne of God Above." And I watched my own slideshow (which has a song from Mumford and Sons....they kill me with their truth and searching and honesty), and at a picture of me with Liz, Jesse, and Melanie, I suddenly choked up. It was only two weeks ago. I miss them. I keep thinking of that night when Travis took me home, and Liz greeted me with, "Good, you're back! I need you to listen to two songs! And then we're going to watch this!" and in the process we talked a lot and laughed a lot and oh my word. I want to go back.
And then Sally talked, and Wendy, Christina, and Cheryl. It was so awesome to hear people talking about my third home, with love and hope and fond memories. I love seeing people love something that I love. Then I talked about the differences since I lived in Senegal, and all the awesome ways God is obviously working in Fatick and West Africa.
I realized something. I think I'm a bit of a mobilizer. I mean, in my Hands On devotionals toward the end, that was a big thing, about going home and mobilizing other people to pray, give, and go. But today I realized that being a mobilizer is not just something I feel I ought to do. It's something I want to do.
I want to see Woodland members selling possessions and downsizing their houses or their retirement funds in order to give money to people working around the world to bring the good news of Jesus to people who don't know Him. I want Woodland members to come together in prayer, covering the world with their faith that God will provide and guard His people. I want Woodland members to rise up, to give up their jobs and take their families to the far corners of the world, to experience the grace and the peace and the love of God and share Him with others. And I want to be right there in the middle of them.
Anyway, it was nice to learn that about myself, because even though Sally talks about all of us finding our niche on the trip....I didn't. I don't know why I went, except that God was gracious and allowed me to see friends and see Him working. Now I think I know a part of it. I'm good with words. I can write, and apparently I can speak okay. I want to use my words to inspire and/or kick people in the pants, to be a part of mobilizing a new wave of devoted and sacrificial people who will follow Jesus into their neighborhoods, their inner cities, their countries, and their world.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Reorienting. Refocusing.
Tomorrow the Woodland team and I are going to talk about Senegal during church. (It's only been two weeks since I left Senegal. How weird is that? SO WEIRD.)
So while I postponed preparing my mini-speech, I read this little story thing I'd been writing about my first trip to Senegal. And that led me to my original Senegal blog, and it kind of broke my heart. I was so into God. I was deliberately seeking Him, and I was expecting to find Him and to find answers. The world was shiny and new, and I saw God everywhere and in every event.
I miss that.
I used to sit around with Liz and talk about the Holy Spirit and giving up fear and stepping out of comfort zones. Now I sit around and talk about boys (stupid boys! the lack thereof in Senegal is still one of its most attractive qualities) and jobs and everyday menial life. Ugh. I want the fire back. I want that passion. And it's not even a mystery as to why I don't have it now.
I don't have desperation.
The speaker at the Senegalese Missionary Women's Retreat talked about living in the United States after 17 years of missionary service, and just breaking down one day because she realized she wasn't desperate for God. Why am I in the United States when that is my problem too? Why are we all so content to sit at home? To have stuff? Ugh, to go to Black Friday deals! I went shopping, and I was so giddily excited about buying a Wii for the library, because it wasn't my money. The joy of spending money for the sake of spending money is still materialism! I am still so far from where I want to be.
I want to live in a place where materialism is just not even an issue. I want to live in a place where there are far bigger spiritual lessons to be learned. I want to think about God and His attributes and let that inform my life and my choices, not the other way around.
And yes, of course I can think about God in the US. The speaker even said that the lesson she learned is that you can choose to be desperate.
But it is far easier to be desperate outside of your comfort zone than inside it.
Anyway. I didn't mean to get all emotional and ranty. The point of this is, is that I've contacted Gany, and I'm opening up the possibility of visiting her in Mongolia and seeing her church's orphanage, and making those steps towards missions again. It's all very basic, and I haven't heard back from her. But I liked what a woman said in Wendy's and my workshop...she said in her life, she is pushing on life doorways and seeing which ones open, and which ones God closes.
I'm pushing a door. We'll see what happens.
So while I postponed preparing my mini-speech, I read this little story thing I'd been writing about my first trip to Senegal. And that led me to my original Senegal blog, and it kind of broke my heart. I was so into God. I was deliberately seeking Him, and I was expecting to find Him and to find answers. The world was shiny and new, and I saw God everywhere and in every event.
I miss that.
I used to sit around with Liz and talk about the Holy Spirit and giving up fear and stepping out of comfort zones. Now I sit around and talk about boys (stupid boys! the lack thereof in Senegal is still one of its most attractive qualities) and jobs and everyday menial life. Ugh. I want the fire back. I want that passion. And it's not even a mystery as to why I don't have it now.
I don't have desperation.
The speaker at the Senegalese Missionary Women's Retreat talked about living in the United States after 17 years of missionary service, and just breaking down one day because she realized she wasn't desperate for God. Why am I in the United States when that is my problem too? Why are we all so content to sit at home? To have stuff? Ugh, to go to Black Friday deals! I went shopping, and I was so giddily excited about buying a Wii for the library, because it wasn't my money. The joy of spending money for the sake of spending money is still materialism! I am still so far from where I want to be.
I want to live in a place where materialism is just not even an issue. I want to live in a place where there are far bigger spiritual lessons to be learned. I want to think about God and His attributes and let that inform my life and my choices, not the other way around.
And yes, of course I can think about God in the US. The speaker even said that the lesson she learned is that you can choose to be desperate.
But it is far easier to be desperate outside of your comfort zone than inside it.
Anyway. I didn't mean to get all emotional and ranty. The point of this is, is that I've contacted Gany, and I'm opening up the possibility of visiting her in Mongolia and seeing her church's orphanage, and making those steps towards missions again. It's all very basic, and I haven't heard back from her. But I liked what a woman said in Wendy's and my workshop...she said in her life, she is pushing on life doorways and seeing which ones open, and which ones God closes.
I'm pushing a door. We'll see what happens.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Psalm 139
On Sunday, David told me that he'd tried to get his Sunday School class to memorize Scripture with him, but they kind of just walked out the door. Since I have been off my memorizing game for the last five months, I told him I'd do it. So we're memorizing Psalm 139, which is awesome, because Wendy likes to talk about it a lot. And when she talks about it, she glows, the way she does when she talks about Aslan or the romance of Jesus or personal gifts from God.
I wanted that glow, but for the first few verses it was just rote memorization. Disappointing. But then I got to verse 5, and that was it. That was the Word being alive, and speaking exactly to me exactly what I need to hear at this exact time in my life. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
God has hemmed me in behind and before...my past and my present. Why do I constantly, agonizingly worry about the future? Why do I imagine that there are limitless possibilities from which I can choose? (Oh yeah, because my generation was fed on the lies! lies! of "you can be whatever you want to be.") But regardless of potential or experience or placement...I have a God who is hemming me in before, who is guarding my future and who is directing my steps, and the steps of everyone around me.
My word, this is freedom! I get a taste of it every now and then, and it's so good. I wish I could hold on to it, but I know I'll get sucked into this world's anxiety and slavery again. For now, though, I am enjoying the knowledge that God is in control of my life. If I live within his moral will, He will move me like His own arm, and I don't have to worry.
From there, the beginning of the psalm came alive too. God has searched me and He knows me...He is familiar with all my ways....and yet He still hems me in? He still places His hand upon me? What a glorious, undeserving thought! Truly, truly, such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain!
Oh man, good stuff. God, it's like You're talking to me and giving me words all at the same time. You are awesome. I'm so glad I'm back in the memorizing game. Taking the time to meditate and repeat Scripture can only lead to AWESOME. And I am all about increasing the awesome in my life, which inevitably means increasing the God in my life.
I wanted that glow, but for the first few verses it was just rote memorization. Disappointing. But then I got to verse 5, and that was it. That was the Word being alive, and speaking exactly to me exactly what I need to hear at this exact time in my life. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
God has hemmed me in behind and before...my past and my present. Why do I constantly, agonizingly worry about the future? Why do I imagine that there are limitless possibilities from which I can choose? (Oh yeah, because my generation was fed on the lies! lies! of "you can be whatever you want to be.") But regardless of potential or experience or placement...I have a God who is hemming me in before, who is guarding my future and who is directing my steps, and the steps of everyone around me.
My word, this is freedom! I get a taste of it every now and then, and it's so good. I wish I could hold on to it, but I know I'll get sucked into this world's anxiety and slavery again. For now, though, I am enjoying the knowledge that God is in control of my life. If I live within his moral will, He will move me like His own arm, and I don't have to worry.
From there, the beginning of the psalm came alive too. God has searched me and He knows me...He is familiar with all my ways....and yet He still hems me in? He still places His hand upon me? What a glorious, undeserving thought! Truly, truly, such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain!
Oh man, good stuff. God, it's like You're talking to me and giving me words all at the same time. You are awesome. I'm so glad I'm back in the memorizing game. Taking the time to meditate and repeat Scripture can only lead to AWESOME. And I am all about increasing the awesome in my life, which inevitably means increasing the God in my life.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lesson Learned. Kind of.
I should have been prepared. God taught me a lesson about making room for trials and pain, and about using those times to unmask my soul and see who I really am and what I really desire. Of course He was teaching me because I was going to have to put it into practice. I should be grateful for the heads-up, but mostly I feel stupid. And pained.
A while ago I met a boy, and as I do, I immediately thought he was The One. Which is silly, because I don't believe in The One. (OH wait, look, there's me finding out some soul stuff.) Anyway, I quite liked him, and he colored a picture and left it for me, which, can I just say, is cocaine to someone whose love language is gifts. I didn't check him out on the internet because I wanted our relationship to grow naturally. Well, screw that! Turns out Mark Zuckerberg reinvented social networking for a reason, and the reason is this: so that you can find out when cute nice guys are already engaged.
Seriously, I think I'm going to start a petition to stop Christian guys from being so annoyingly friendly, for the sake of poor sods like myself who are absolutely terrible at reading "signals." Whatever those are. Ugh.
And I shouldn't really be that upset, because I only knew the guy for two hours. What really gets me is all the soul-baring that this has caused me to confront. Because the fact that I jumped to marriage and happily-ever-after with a guy of mere acquaintance? That's important.
I am still, apparently, a romantic. There is this deep need within me to love and be loved by someone else. I've tried to bury it under knowledge (because yeah! I know that marriage is about 20x harder than being single!) and pride (because yeah! I don't need a guy to complete me!). But the truth is, regardless of whether I need a guy or not, and I truly don't think I NEED one...the truth is I want one.
Which makes me feel awful, because I really really want to get to a place where I only desire love from God. I don't understand how to balance the in-born relational needs God placed in me with the call to completely and totally devote my life to God.
I don't know.
I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm disappointed in the world. If I really am a pathetic sad sap, then that sucks, because there are no boys for Tricia in the world. I have very high standards, and the few that meet them have already been taken or are not age appropriate. Annoying, I say!
I'm not sure what to do with this new self-knowledge. It doesn't change anything. I'm still single, and still pursuing a meaningful life wherever God leads me. What does it matter if now I know beyond a doubt that my soul would prefer not to stay single forever? Well, at least I'm a bit more honest with myself. Too bad it was easier to be self-confident and singley-assured.
A while ago I met a boy, and as I do, I immediately thought he was The One. Which is silly, because I don't believe in The One. (OH wait, look, there's me finding out some soul stuff.) Anyway, I quite liked him, and he colored a picture and left it for me, which, can I just say, is cocaine to someone whose love language is gifts. I didn't check him out on the internet because I wanted our relationship to grow naturally. Well, screw that! Turns out Mark Zuckerberg reinvented social networking for a reason, and the reason is this: so that you can find out when cute nice guys are already engaged.
Seriously, I think I'm going to start a petition to stop Christian guys from being so annoyingly friendly, for the sake of poor sods like myself who are absolutely terrible at reading "signals." Whatever those are. Ugh.
And I shouldn't really be that upset, because I only knew the guy for two hours. What really gets me is all the soul-baring that this has caused me to confront. Because the fact that I jumped to marriage and happily-ever-after with a guy of mere acquaintance? That's important.
I am still, apparently, a romantic. There is this deep need within me to love and be loved by someone else. I've tried to bury it under knowledge (because yeah! I know that marriage is about 20x harder than being single!) and pride (because yeah! I don't need a guy to complete me!). But the truth is, regardless of whether I need a guy or not, and I truly don't think I NEED one...the truth is I want one.
Which makes me feel awful, because I really really want to get to a place where I only desire love from God. I don't understand how to balance the in-born relational needs God placed in me with the call to completely and totally devote my life to God.
I don't know.
I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm disappointed in the world. If I really am a pathetic sad sap, then that sucks, because there are no boys for Tricia in the world. I have very high standards, and the few that meet them have already been taken or are not age appropriate. Annoying, I say!
I'm not sure what to do with this new self-knowledge. It doesn't change anything. I'm still single, and still pursuing a meaningful life wherever God leads me. What does it matter if now I know beyond a doubt that my soul would prefer not to stay single forever? Well, at least I'm a bit more honest with myself. Too bad it was easier to be self-confident and singley-assured.
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