Nickel

Dr. Jones told a story in class the other day that hit me hard. There was a little girl, he said, who begged her dad for a nickel so she could buy a gumball from a machine. When it wasn't working, she whined, “If you loved me, you would give me a nickel!” Her dad smiled, leaned down, and said, “I love you this much,” and handed her a twenty dollar bill. She looked at it for a minute, then threw it to the ground and cried, “But I wanted a nickel!”

It got me thinking about how lately I've been so hung up on wanting to date someone, wanting marriage to be on my horizon. I beg God and give God a list of fifty reasons why this would be a good idea. I sulk and I whine and I pretend like it's not bothering me to see if reverse psychology will work on Him. I'm stuck on this boy-shaped nickel, ignoring and even throwing away the costly gifts that He has already given me.

I am in a great school, studying something I love, debt free. I'm going to get a job in a profession that I am passionate about while so many people work whatever they can get just to pay the bills. I have so many friends in so many places who support me, love me, and listen to me. I live in a big city just like I always wanted, and I'm learning to love the small city from which I came. I have a wonderful brother who likes to hang out with me. I have three roommates who were previously strangers but we all get along. I have more books than I could ever read, more TV shows than I could ever watch, and people with whom I can discuss them. I found a church in Dallas who preaches grace and a small group who makes me feel welcome, loved, and necessary. I work for a wonderful family who treats me as one of their own, nannying two kids who could be my own, where going to work means fun and not stress. I'm healthy, which isn't fair, because I don't take care of myself. So much of my life is blessing—extravagant blessings, even. God has showered me in twenty dollar bills, and I'm still whining for that nickel.

It's a nice nickel, I've heard. And I do want to be married someday. But I want to appreciate the gifts that God has already given me, and trust that He gives gifts in His perfect timing, which sometimes means never. And that's okay, because He is good. I want to know that, deeply and continuously.