Seeking the Impossible Ideal

My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" because of "Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, / Bind my wandering heart to Thee. / Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, / Prone to leave the God I love; / Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, / Seal it for Thy courts above."

My favorite Mumford & Sons song is "Hopeless Wanderer" because of "And hold me fast, Hold me fast / Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer / And I will learn, I will learn / to love the skies I'm under."

I've been in ten countries in under ten years.  I've lived in five cities in the last seven years (though one was a repeat).   I cannot go a year without either leaving the country or going on multiple trips around the United States.  I've got wanderlust coursing through my blood, and I used to think it was an epic romantic thing.

A couple days ago, my friend asked if I wanted to move into a cute house in Austin with her.  I actually considered for a long while, trying to work out how feasibly I could finish DTS classes online.  It was only when I remembered my church and my job that I realized moving to Austin would be pointless.  Then she asked how I was feeling about Dallas, and I responded, "I feel...just kind of discontented in general?  Like no matter where I am I will not be totally happy, so I want to start over, but I know from experience that won't help for long."

Like whoa, guys.  I was texting things I didn't even understand.  That sentiment kept rolling through my brain, and I finally made a connection.  I used to scoff at girls who went from boyfriend to boyfriend, condescendingly telling them they needed to take some time being single to discover who they were instead of seeking happiness and fulfillment in a boy of all things.

I still think that.  But the condescension has evaporated, because holy crap, I do the same thing with moving.  "Maybe this place will make me happy!  Now that I've left the things that annoyed me about that place, I can start over, I can really settle into life and be awesome and everything will go great."

I am 100% confident that God has been with me everywhere I've moved.  Union, Senegal, Dallas.  God has taught me something everywhere I've lived, but I'm starting to realize that all of this might be more of a case of God using my brokenness for beauty rather than being beautiful in and of itself.

What I'm saying is maybe someday I'll settle down.  Maybe I'll invest in one place with one group of people.  Maybe I'll realize that no location is going to satisfy me, just like no man is going to satisfy the girls I used to look down upon.  Maybe I'll learn to love the brokenness of every city, to dig deep into uncomfortable relationships, and stick things out longer than a couple years.

Maybe not.  That still sounds scary.  And I do genuinely love traveling and seeing new places.  But I hope that one day, I'll stop using that as an excuse to run away from problems seeking an impossible ideal.