Man. Sometimes. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm feeling bad until I say, "Hey, this sucks" and I realize, OH YEAH IT DOES.
I'm super excited about Emily's wedding coming up. But hanging over every sentence, every plan, is this gigantic floating font that says, "SHE'S THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU. YOU'RE SO FREAKING OLD AND PAST YOUR PRIME." And I try to ignore that, because her wedding is soooo not about me.
But then tonight, Liz and Mallory and Melanie and I were all talking via Facebook messages. We were catching up on things, and I just blurted out my self-pity, and Mallory, dear sweet awesome friend, said, "Oh, so what gospel truths do you need to cling to?"
Which. HAHAHA how am I so blessed to have such awesome, Christ-centered friends? We all got into the discussion, talking about our needs to be validated, our fears that as single women we are missing out, or are unwanted. And it was just so funny. To hear beautiful truth, and then me, the stick in the mud, saying, "I don't even care that God loves me. JUST LET ME SULK. But also, yeah, it's cool that God loves me. BUT DOES THAT MATTER? I want other people to love me too!"
And while the other three would speak truth, they each laughed and we all shared stories of our struggles with 1) feeling left out of the marriage game, 2) resenting anyone who looks down on us or pities us for being left out of the marriage game, and 3) wanting people to pity us for being left out of the marriage game. Emotions, they are confusing.
We had a lot of circular conversations, and I'm not sure I really grasped at any truths that will help me through the wedding, but I did grasp that I have these three amazing women in my life, who are SO STINKING AWESOME but ridiculously feel bad about themselves. And I realized, maybe we're all stupid. Maybe we're all awesome, and we should stop feeling bad about ourselves. And since that isn't going to happen, I'm so grateful for their honesty and for knowing that we are all walking this road together.
"We are not alone/in the dark with our demons."
Basically, friendships are good. They are so so good.
Just a thought...it has to be worse to be married to the wrong person than it is to be single. What is wrong with being single? Trish, if you love a good man and want to be with him forever, marriage is great. Otherwise, enjoy your singleness. You will probably end up counseling lots of couples who wish they could go back in time and make a different decision than they did.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am about equally desirous of/repulsed by marriage, because yes, it would be awful to be married to the wrong person! I do enjoy my singleness, but being single carries a lot of "unworthy" weight. Why does no one want to marry ME? Is there something wrong with who I am? Etc etc. It's much deeper than simply wanting the relationship itself. If I could feel good about myself, I think I would enjoy and appreciate singleness much more. It's just easier to feel good about yourself when some person tells you "you are awesome enough that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
DeleteFinding validation in places other than God. That's the thing, I guess.
"Why does no one want to marry ME? Is there something wrong with who I am?" No, there's nothing wrong with who you are. You are a beautiful lady with a great mind and the ability to express yourself very well. If I were a young and single man, I would be really interested in knowing you better. Why doesn't someone want to marry you? This is a mystery.
Delete"If I could feel good about myself..." Maybe there is a clue here. Do you feel inferior or intimidated when you meet a man you might like? If you do, that would be a turnoff for him. Men are pretty stupid about relationship clues, they want to feel as if you think they are wonderful and that they make you feel good. If the signals you are sending out when you are with them are negative, i.e. that you are inferior, that might be enough to send them away. But I am just speculating. The dynamics between men and women on a psychological level are very difficult for me to understand. Sexual dynamics I get, but the rest of it is a real puzzle.
Trish, you really are a nice person and I put you into the awesome category. You just need to do the same thing. Easy to say, hard to do, speaking from experience here. You have to like yourself first, the rest will follow naturally. And if no one ever proposes to you, so what? You are still beautiful and talented and awesome!