How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
The past couple weeks I have officially stopped talking to God. Not the result of anything dramatic. I just realized that I've been reading my Bible and praying out of habit. I don't look forward to it. I don't get anything out of it. I realize that those are not good excuses for stopping, but I was tired. And it felt more honest to tell God, "Okay sorry bye!" than to continue to pretend that everything was okay.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
I think the O Me of Little Faith book was the catalyst. It made me aware of how many doubts I have, and how cynicism is my go-to reaction. I don't regret reading it, because it was good for me to realize those things. But it just opened this idea of, "What's the point?" into my spiritual life.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
I don't understand a lot about faith. I like the NT approach to violence (don't!) but I hate how God wiped out people in the OT. I don't get why homosexuality is a sin. I don't understand why Christians are so stupid. I don't understand why I can't get better at this faith thing. Why do I always have to struggle with sins and doubts and insecurities? Can't they just go away? Does God really care? Is He actually working in my life?
This weakness I feel I must finally show
I am tired of lying about it. I'm tired of teaching Sunday School and college Bible Study and pretending like my spiritual life is alright.
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
I can plan with the best of them, go through the motions, and do great things for God, even in this state of ignoring.
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
It's just deeper that I have a problem. You want emotional solidarity? Not here. You want rock solid faith? Nope. I am great at externals, but when it comes to internal messiness, I just fall to pieces.
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
I WANT THIS. I want to accept this promise from God. I want God to work in me, to change me, to let me see the world, and to see HIM as He sees it all. I want His perspective, because my own is selfish and stupid.
But your soul you must keep totally free
And this is the hard part, right? It's all the things enslaving my soul that distract me from God and keep me from trusting Him. How do I keep my soul free? How do I let go of insecurities, of entertainment, of doubts, of relationships, of thoughts, of vices, of everything that makes me prideful and human and selfish?
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
I think the way (or a way, at least) to see through God's eyes and to stop being stupid is to keep eternity in mind. Which I don't. If I really understood that my life is finite and that this body will return to the earth, then....wouldn't I live differently?
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Where am I investing my love? In books. In TV shows. In church. Where am I not? In studying God's Word and spending concentrated time with Him. I don't love it. I should love it, right? But I don't, so I'm not investing my life in it.
Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul
So this is all I have left: crying out for God to change me. Asking Him to renew me, to open my eyes, to love Him. I can't do it on my own. I can't make myself do anything good. I can only plead, and hope that He will awaken my soul again.
You were made to meet your maker
And that's it. That's my purpose. I'm not on earth to please myself, to live an easy life, or to moan around about my crises. I was made to meet my Maker. So I ought to get off my butt and do my job. I should study Him and look for Him and doubt Him and trust Him and wrestle with Him.
"Where am I investing my love? In books. In TV shows. In church. Where am I not? In studying God's Word and spending concentrated time with Him. I don't love it. I should love it, right? But I don't, so I'm not investing my life in it."
ReplyDelete~~Wow. That TOTALLY is me too. How brave that you can just admit to it. I, too often, put my "church" face on and spew the right things from my mouth even when my heart is running the opposite direction. Shoot...I couldn't even tell you where MY bible is. How awful! Tell you what. I will pray for you...really truly pray for you and in turn maybe you could pray for me too. :) PS MANY MANY thanks for the books for Zaia. <3
Thanks for the prayer! I don't know how prayer works, but at the very least it kind of guilted me into reading the Bible. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd guess what I read? Starting back into my reading of John, I got to chapter 14, which starts with this:
"Don't get lost in despair; believe in God and keep on believing in me."
Trish, you are not alone in your frustrations with being the "good Christian". We all have the same problem, well, not all of us, but those who use the intelligence God gave them to question these things sure do. A real turn-off for me is not someone questioning his/her faith. It is the people who just takes what they are told and are happy with it, and never even see any of the inconsistencies.
ReplyDeleteYour example of the OT is a good one...did God have a mid-life crisis and change from the OT one who had no problem with destroying cities and citizens to the one in the NT who loves us and gives us a means to salvation? Sometimes it is amusing to watch the non-thinking Christians try to ignore these inconsistencies, sometimes it is saddening, it is always frustrating.
We will never understand God. It would be easier for my doggie to understand differential calculus than for me to understand God. I am content to accept Him, and I try to pretty much please Him in my actions and deeds. That is all I can do. I do not want nor need the guilt trip that comes from trying to understand Him and to be perfect for Him.
"Don't get lost in despair; believe in God and keep on believing in me." Well said. Don't get lost in despair. God does not mind that you use your intelligence, I think it pleases Him.