Can't Get You Out of my Head

I've been absolutely loving my added responsibility at work:  ordering YA, Middle Grade, and Easy books.  Okay, so mostly I've loved ordering the YA books, because THEY FEED MY SOUL.  And as part of my research into what I should buy, I get to check out book blogs, which are pretty much the coolest (and nerdiest) things in the interwebs.  Naturally, the way I know if I'll like a book blog is to scope out their opinion on the Hunger Games series.

Team Gale?  Oh my word they must be idiots.  Didn't like the finale?  IDIOTS.  (My insults are not very well-formed.)  So then today I came across someone with a Team Peeta banner in the margin of their site, and on their list of books that had personally impacted them, this was written:

"I don't know what it was about this book {Mockingjay}, but it really and truly blew me away. It was, in my mind, the perfect ending to the Hunger Games trilogy, but more than that it was just really, really amazing. It broke my brain. It gave me a reading hangover. It showed me how powerful a book can be. I don't know how to explain it except to say that it had been years since I had read something that - through sheer force of story - made me feel so much."

YES EXACTLY.  Must re-read the entire series whenever my stack of to-read books lessens even slightly.

Stories

We made purses out of duct tape at the library today, and Wendy and Abby (by which I mean David, who was her fill-in) came!  I love to show off my place of business to people I love.

David and I worked at a table together, and it was lovely to discuss epic light saber duels and how apparently everyone has always called me a tall turtle, but I realized something.  I suck at telling stories.  David went off on how his great-uncle killed a snake, and it was suspenseful and hilarious.  So I thought of my own holiday recollection, and no kidding, it went like this.

"Oh!  So at Christmas, my grandpa said something, but it wasn't exactly true, so he said, 'And that's almost the truth!'  It was so funny!  So we kept saying it the rest of the day, and he didn't even know that he had started it.  HAHAHAHAHA."

David didn't even respond (though later I called him on lying and he smirked, "That's almost the truth"). 

I am not pleased with my suckage.  This is exactly why I write and do not speak.  Unless, of course, I am similarly deluded as to my skill in writing.  Which would be tragic, because then I would have no means of communication left to me!

Also I write because in person I look like this:

Me:  Hey Wendy, can I use some of your duct tape?  I ran--
Wendy:  Oh my gosh!  Tricia, what's wrong with your eye!?
Me:  ...Thank you for drawing attention to my deformity.

Five days now.  It was good this morning until I put in contacts, and now it hurts even with them out.  Probably I will have to see a doctor or something.  I like my eyeball!  I would prefer to keep it!  However, wearing an eyepatch for a while would only be awesome.

Levels of Friendship

Random:  one of my eyes is crazy red.  It creeps me out, and it's been like that for three days now.  Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think of Natalie Portman in the preview for Black Swan, and I want to die a little.  It was fun for a day, now I am tired of it.

So.  I get lonely in Peoria, which has frustrated me before, because why?  I have way more friends here than Jackson.  All the families at Woodland that are dear and close, and I can be stupid and myself with them.  But it just isn't enough, I guess, and I finally figured out why.

I miss having best friends.  Stephanie, Jennie, Erin.  I could tell them anything--my struggles, my anger, my pride.  I could be sad around them, and mopey, and I could ignore them, and they would still like me the next day.

I don't have friends in Peoria that I can be depressed with.  I don't see anyone often enough to let myself express my depression (whenever it hits) because I don't want to waste any time.  So I plaster on a smile, and really, it ends up being great, but as soon as I leave all those bad feelings come back.

Probably I could have close friends again.  Lindsay and I have had some nice talks, but our work schedules are obnoxious, so we can't hang out often.  (Which is why I selfishly am Team Lindsay Gets A New Job.)  Sometimes I share more of myself with Wendy, but the fact that I am friends with her children will always add a layer of awkwardness to certain conversations.  Emily and I talk a lot, when she's here.  But that's not often.

Anyway, all that to say I get lonely here.  On Christmas Eve I was feeling it hard core, and it was just really an awful night.  But Christmas morning I saw a facebook message from Stephanie that positively made my week.

She wants to come to Mongolia with me!  I wanted someone to come with me, but I wanted it to be a God thing, not a me-coercing-someone thing.  And it's STEPHANIE.  We will have so much fun.  That is two to three weeks when I can hang out with my best friend in a new country serving God.  PERFECT.

And she asked if we could memorize Scripture together, which is lovely because I can't do that with David anymore, because it feels too intimate.  And she is coming to visit in January.  And I am already thinking of all the videos we can make, and all the conversations we can have, and all the places I can take her, and all the people I want her to meet.

I miss my best friend.  I'm so glad she is still my best friend.  We have known each other two years, and we have lived in different states (or countries) longer than we've lived in the same.  Which, to me, means our friendship is pretty awesome, because we are both aware of our (normally) horrible ability to keep in touch long distance.

So this is happy.  I love my Peoria friends.  I wish I had deeper friendships here.  But I'm so glad God brought back/reminded me that just because my best friends don't live here, doesn't mean they can't have a huge part of my life.

Up with the happy.

So It Continues!

I might be going to Mongolia this summer!

So when I got my job at the library, it felt very much like it was handed to me from God, which got me thinking: what is God teaching me through this?  Especially since it was directly contradicting my own plans of never working with kids or teaching them.  And on my way to Memphis for Erin and Tim's wedding, I thought, maybe I should work in an orphanage.

That is very easily found out, so I decided to look for a short term mission trip to an orphanage, so I could experience it and see what happened.  In September, I became friends with Gany, who is from Mongolia, and whose pastor started an orphanage there.

A month ago I emailed her and asked if I could come and work there for awhile, but she didn't write back.  I had given up on the idea, and I was starting to look into InnerChange.  But I felt like God was telling me to wait on that until January, which isn't so far away, so I agreed.

Then yesterday Gany replied (she'd been home on vacation without internet) and said they would love to have me!  I talked to my boss, and she said I could have up to three weeks off!

I'm so excited to be back on the mission track.  This patience thing is really hard, and I tend to get stuck in whatever rut I find myself.  Even though my plan last summer was "short term mission trip in August, long term sometime after," I was starting to think nothing would happen, which is stupid, because look!  My plan (God's plan?) is coming true!

And it's so comforting that I had that doubt, and wanted to move on to another option, but God stopped me.  It's so nice to know He is behind this, in some way.

Though it is kind of scary to plan a trip by myself!  I don't know how to do that, but I imagine I will just buy a plane ticket and show up.  Done.  I love adventure.

Oh my word, it is so encouraging just to have the hope of a real mission trip in my future.  I didn't quite realize how necessary that is to my happiness.  (But at the same time, I'm glad this is only short term, because I'm not sure I'm ready to give up Peoria long term yet....selfishness or God's timing or both, I don't know.)

Remembering

I finished reading through my Senegal blog, and when I got to the part where I drove to Dakar for the last time with Kim and Liz, I was reminded of this November, when we left Fatick to go to Sali.  I was really moody and silent, and Wendy asked what was wrong with me.  I kind of burst out in an obnoxious teenager way, "I hate leaving!"  And no one said anything, because they were all thrilled to move on to the retreat part.

And then at the end, in Dakar, as we left the government official's house and drove through the dark streets to the airport, I was moody again, staring out the window.  Because Wendy is my mentor/friend, she once again asked if I was okay.  Sally jumped in and joked, "She's a zombie!  She needs sleep."

Not so.  I was trying to hide the fact that I was crying.  Because it sucked.  It was such a tease to go back to Senegal for only a week and a half.  I didn't really give that trip its due on here, because it was over so quickly, and then life started up crazy fast here in Peoria.

But I miss Senegal.  Life seems clearer there.  And more adventurous.  I love living overseas, and even though there are a lot of awesome things about living in Peoria, there are a lot of not awesome things too.

I want life to be easy.

Do I really have to go to work again? I'm done with this adult thing.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a spiritual and emotional cliff.  Last night I was really missing old-school Jackson (my Craig 3 sisters), and then this morning I found out that Whitney is getting married this week.  Of course I wasn't invited, and I don't think it's a big wedding, but I doubt I would have been invited anyway. 

So that sucks.  And I haven't really been enjoying my time with God lately.  I just read and pray the bare minimum to let my conscious feel clear.  Though of course that doesn't work, because I think God would rather I not spend time with him than spend fake time with him.

But I read from Revelation today (oh my word I love that book more and more every time I read it), and I felt like God spoke to me through the letter to Ephesus.  Because I'm good at the righteous anger and indignation.  I have a very clear picture of what holiness and church life should look like, and when it's not that way, I get pissed.  But sometimes, often, I let that anger get in the way of loving my spiritual family.  I'm like a fairy--I only feel one emotion at a time.

How to both hate hypocrisy and love Christians, when of course all Christians will be hypocrites at some time, because we are still fallen people struggling toward sanctification?  I don't know.  Something else God needs to change in my heart.  At least now I'm more aware of it and will look for him working.

College at Woodland

When I got back from Senegal, Nick Maclin told me he and the Wineingers wanted to have a college Bible study, and would I lead it?  I immediately said yes, because while I was in college, I mostly hated going to Woodland.  There was no college Sunday School and no college Sunday night activity.  Sure, everyone welcomed me to join groups to which I didn't belong, but it was always awkward and I always dreaded it.

And I don't understand this gaping hole, because no matter the number, college kids are awesome.  They have this desire, and the belief, that they can change the world.  At Woodland, the college group was very much aware of the fact that we were given a lot through the youth group, and we were taught and equipped to take that knowledge and pass it on.  So when our group started planning the Fellowship Weekend, I was so incredibly thrilled to be a part of a group that was learning about God and then putting that knowledge into practice, allowing the youth group to serve Him and have fun together at the same time.

But we caught a lot of flak.  I got all worked up about it this morning, and it really does blow my mind that people are not supporting us, are still pushing us outside certain lines, when we are struggling to survive.  This is the first college group that I can ever remember.  Why are people not throwing themselves at us to help us?  Why are we being knocked down for being too involved or not involved enough?  It drives me nuts, and it genuinely gets me angry.

But.  Oh my word, I love this group of friends.  We decided not to participate in the youth group's Christmas gift exchange, because we didn't want to jump into that drama.  So we finished studying Hosea, and talked about how the undeserving love of God should pour out of us and make an impact on the world.

That led to us deciding to create a different service project every month.  It's going to be a college thing, but with any youth groupers more than welcome to join us.  I don't want people to think we're controlling or whatever, but no way am I going to deny middle and high schoolers the opportunity to serve God and live a Christian life just because some people don't like us intermixing.

And I'm just so glad to be lifted up.  This morning, I was so ready to give up.  I don't know if anyone else (besides two or three people I've talked to) feel the same amount of drama that I do, but man, it sucks.  I feel so much like we're being kicked while we're down, and maybe that is not the case, but it feels like it sometimes.  And my reaction to being kicked is to stay down, or maybe run away.  But not this college group!  I'm so happy that they just jumped into doing something else.

I love Woodland a lot, and when thing get stupid, I become irrationally disappointed.  I want Woodland to be totally awesome, and it hurts me when it's not.  So it was exactly what my heart needed to be encouraged by the awesomeness of the Wineingers, Nick, Emily, the Webers, and Troy.  They are totally awesome, and we've decided that if the face of Christianity will be changed, then our church needs to change, then our college group needs to change, then we as individuals need to change.

I love that.  I'm so thankful that God didn't allow me to sulk for very long.  I'm so thankful that He gave me another group of friends who will inspire and encourage and push me.  God is great.  He will give us opportunities to serve Him if we ask.  I can't wait to see what we learn about Him and His people through college GASS.