This is the Story You Will Wrestle With Forever

I talked to Roy the other night about how I feel lost between two seemingly conflicting world views.  I'm too liberal for conservatives and too conservative for liberals.  On the one hand, I believe in gender equality, I'm not sure homosexuality is a sin*, and I lean Democratic politically.  On the other hand, I believe in the inerrancy of Scripture and I believe the purpose of my life specifically and history in general is to bring glory to the triune God.

So.  How do those fit together?  Lately I'm thinking they just might.  I believe God brought me to a school where the fundamentalist ideas I grew up with are not nearly so strict, and into a church that is gracious and grace-seeking, and into a home with a roommate who is also passionately interested in the same topics.  Do I still stand on the far end of the spectrum with these people?  Often, yes. 

It can be very distressing, feeling alone, wondering if I'm a hypocrite or a liar or a martyr.

Then I read Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner.  In an essay about confirmation, Lauren talks with her priest.  I think the conversation applies just as well to conversion as to confirmation.

"What you promise when you are confirmed {converted}...is not that you will believe this forever.  What you promise when you are confirmed {converted} is that this is the story you will wrestle with forever."

And that's it.  I am bound to Jesus.  I owe Him my life, and I can't imagine being without His Spirit.  I might not always like what He tells me to do or where to go.  I might not agree with His followers.  I might be embarrassed to be associated with His followers.  I might never find the answers I seek about all the grey issues of life, but I will wrestle with God forever.  I'm not giving up on Him, because He will never give up on me, no matter my doubts or unpopular opinions.


*I know that's a loaded statement that I just casually stuck into a list.  I've written a blog about that specifically; I'm just debating whether or not to post it.  I don't fancy being burned at the stake.