Martyr's Complex

As part of personality and upbringing, I have a tendency to think, "I don't want to do this!  *sigh*  That must mean God wants me to do it."  I am a martyr (but not really, because martyrs die for Jesus, and I'm just sulking).

I talked with Liz about this when we first moved in together, and she's been helping me find joy in God, and trusting Him to love me.  I love when I tell someone a problem of mine, and they actually remember it.  Months after our discussion, I was telling her and Jessica about this student who I know is also from Illinois.  We're not at all friends.  But I wondered if I should invite him to carpool home for Thanksgiving.

"Ooo, you like him," Jess said.

"No.  Really, no.  He said something to offend me.  I don't remember what it is anymore, but I definitely don't like him.  Still, shouldn't I invite him?  Isn't that the right thing to do?"

"You're a martyr.  Stop it.  You don't have to invite him if you don't want to.  He hasn't even asked you to.  You're making a big deal about nothing," Liz said from her perch on the stairs.

I blinked at her.  "You're right."  And like that, the guilt I carry around about not being miserable enough went away.

That story is a prelude to what I really want to talk about, which is my career.  Ever since I came to DTS, I've been saying I want to work with women in or leaving sex slavery, or maybe working with refugees, or generally helping people who are in horrible situations.  This is noble!  These are excellent jobs that should be pursued and supported!

But there's a problem.  I cannot stomach horrible situations.  There's a reason I'm so invested in fantasy.  I need to learn my moral lessons on faraway planets or with elves.  If you start showing me movies or telling me stories about real racism or historical abuse, I will mentally throw up, and then stress about it and carry the weight of the world in my soul for years to come.

I thought that maybe this was my cross to bear.  And I worked myself into this idea that by doing so, I would be holier, more glorifying to God.  And maybe that is true.

But last week, Dr. Barnes talked to us about marriage counseling, and the joy of sex, about how to prevent and decrease poorly managed marital conflict.  AND I LOVED IT.  I wanted to take all four of the marriage courses offered as electives.  I immediately thought of ways I could share this knowledge at church and pass on truth to people who were hurting.  I pictured my bookcase at home, which has one book about sex trafficking and at least ten about gender and sexuality. 

Then Dr. Barnes talked about four views of marriage, Traditional (husband gets two votes, wife gets one), Traditional Servant-Leader (husband gets two votes, but tries to keep his wife's wishes in mind), Mutuality with Persuasion (each spouse gets one vote, but persuasion and manipulation are used to get your way, and Mutuality (each spouse gets one vote).

Dr. Barnes said he believes in Mutuality, and gave a bunch of Biblical support for it.  I sat up straighter in my seat, suddenly confident that I could study marriage at DTS and not constantly feel like, "I'm either a lousy Christian or a hypocrite."

I wanted to study marriage roles.  I want to study singleness and sexuality.  And I want to take that knowledge and give it to others, to equip people to live healthy lives that honor God and show love to each other.

My soul sings when I think about these topics.  My soul dies when I think about consistently hearing stories of rape and abuse.  So I asked Liz, "Is it okay to pursue something I like?"  She just kind of smiled at my stupidity, and reminded me that God gives us passions for a reason, that not everyone is called to fulfill every need.

So who knows where God will lead me through my time at DTS?  Who knows how my passion for gender and sexuality will fit with my passion for missions?  All I know is that God loves me, has planted interests and desires in my heart, and that I'm definitely taking those sexuality elective courses.