If any of you are tired of me talking about The Avengers, you might want to find another blog to follow for the next forever. This movie is stuck in my head. Specifically, Loki.
I see him as very much driven by the sense of never feeling good enough. Growing up, Thor was the (literal) golden boy. He was stronger and first in line to be king. Loki's skills are in speaking and manipulation. Not exactly door busters. He says he always felt like he lived in Thor's shadow, and I don't even care if that's true or not. What matters is that he thinks it was. He constantly feels like he's not good enough.
And here is where I find Loki so fascinating. I am just like him. I never feel good enough. My jokes aren't as funny as so-and-so's, my intelligence is not up to that person's, and don't even get me started on my athleticism. It's hard to be good at things but never really great, or to have skills that no one values. I sympathize with Loki.
There are two reactions you can have to this mentality. You can live with it, be content in whatever level of skill and adulation you have, and learn to cheer on others who are better than you. Or you can flip a switch inside and tell yourself that it doesn't even matter--there's no need to play by the rules, why not just do things your way and not care what anyone thinks? That's Loki's way, and if I'm honest, I am often so close to flipping that switch myself. "You aren't satisfied with who I am? Then I'll just go off the deep end and show you what I'm capable of!"
It's an extremely petty and selfish reaction. That's what I love about The Avengers. The villain isn't someone emotionlessly evil. The villain is a hurt younger brother who is sick and tired of his "family" not appreciating him, so he's off to coerce a world into loving him. Oh man. On my worst days, I would so do the same.
Loki, I feel you. Can I borrow your brainwashing scepter?
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ReplyDelete"And here is where I find Loki so fascinating. I am just like him. I never feel good enough. My jokes aren't as funny as so-and-so's, my intelligence is not up to that person's, and don't even get me started on my athleticism. It's hard to be good at things but never really great, or to have skills that no one values. I sympathize with Loki."
DeleteTrish, I understand in a way how you are feeling, because for the first 27 years of my life I felt the same way, poor self esteem and frustration at my level of skills. Even today I have no interest in athletics at all, which makes me odd man out in a lot of male groupings. However, when I was 27, married with one child, I started college while working full time in a copper mine and driving 80 miles each way to school. I did not have any time to ponder my inadequacies. After a lot of pain and grief, I graduated from Arizona State with a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I started a career with Cat, and retired from there 30 years later. I've learned a lot during my life, including that I can handle and overcome very difficult obstacles and to accept myself for what I am. I think the key reason for my "cure" from feeling inadequate came from my willingness to face the enormous challenge of turning myself from a truck driver into an engineer at the age of 27.
You need to face and overcome your own challenges, whatever they are. In my heart, I do not feel that counseling is that challenge for you, although I may certainly be wrong. I think you have a great talent for writing and expressing yourself, and I would be delighted to see you accept the challenge to succeed in that area. How one does this I do not know. I know how to get an engineering degree, but that is cut and dried. I think your challenge would be harder, but if and when you overcome it you will lose your sense of insecurity and inadequacy and realize that you are a great person. Your friends and family already know this, you just have to find it out for yourself.
Forgive this old man for being blunt. That is probable the only advantage to age, you can be blunt and forgiven.
(I deleted the previous post only to fix some grammatical errors)
I'm going to have to disagree with you (obviously, since I wouldn't be pursuing a degree in counseling if I didn't believe it were for the best). Counseling, and the myriad ways I can use that degree, is the culmination of many of my interests, passions, and spiritual gifts.
DeleteIt's also a way to feel compentent. I have had many conversations with college friends lately about the desire to have a concrete skill (since so many of us graduated and were unable or uninterested in getting a job in our major). I'm excited to learn something that I can use.
Writing will always be a passion for me, but as you said, how do you do that? I don't think being a professional author (which would really mean staying at home writing all day) is a smart idea for me at this point in my life. I will always write as a hobby, and if someday I write something worth publishing, I'll do that. But writing is my hobby. It cannot, and I don't want it to be, my full-time job at this point in my life.