New Kindred Spirit

Today was the first day of Summer Reading. And I made a new friend! A friend who works at the SRP table with me for eight hours every day, which is the best kind of friend, if you ask me. Not only that, but she is my latest kindred spirit! Why?

1. She went to a Christian college but shares my social liberal leanings.

2. She loves travel and thinks that people would be a lot less stupid and prejudiced if they traveled.

3. She has watched Buffy! And Angel and Firefly and Dollhouse and Dr. Horrible!!

4. When I told her I loved Troy and Abed, she did the handshake!

5. The only episode of Glee she has ever watched was the one with Neil Patrick Harris, because she loves him.

6. She watches anime and knew that Fruits Basket is the one that boys watch but pretend they don't.

I love my friends in Peoria, but I frequently feel like an outsider or a freak. Sometimes explicitly through teasing, sometimes just by the awkward silences when I reference something no one knows. It is so nice to know someone who gets all the things I love! And not only gets them, but loves them herself.

I want to be her friend, stat.

Thoughts of Friends

Wow.  My friends are like, adults and stuff?  I helped Lindsay and Nathan fix up their house a bit this afternoon.  They are in their second house of their marriage.  I can't fathom anything in that sentence.  And then their married friends came over, which is fine, because we talked about adoption, and duh, I love talking about adoption (two families were even interested in pursuing it!  Hurray!).

In my initial writing, I got all whiney and self-indulgent.  And then I realized that I hate that about myself.  So: revised!

I love that I have friends from every age and stage of life.  I have little kid friends.  I have high school friends.  I have college friends.  I have young single friends.  I have young married friends.  I have old single friends.  I have old married friends.

I get to learn about everything always!  Do I want to reminisce about my past and think about why I was the way I was?  Got a friend for that.  Do I want to consider how I do (or do not) want to live my future?  Got a friend for that.

Just like how living with Jennie and Dusty taught me just about everything about how I want to be a parent.  It's good to be surrounded by people who are in wildly different life stages than I am.

Woot Woot! 200!

Post #200!!!  And exactly a year after I posted on here for the first time!  That's pretty timely.  I was going to say that 200 is a lot, but actually, that's way less than a post a day, so BAD ON ME.  I'm sorry.

I have semi-happy money thoughts for this momentous occasion!  I know, I know.  Y'all are thrilled.

The thing is, my parents were going to buy a tablet for their upcoming Italy trip, and I was going to nab it for MY upcoming Mongolia trip.  Because my computer must be plugged in to work, and the idea of 3G all the time internet (or as much as is possible in Mongolia) was super appealing.

And then they decided not to get it.  Which means I'm in a technological financial quandry again!  I'm such a man--it doesn't bother me to wait until my clothes and shoes fall apart to buy new ones, but gadgets?  MOAR PLEAZ!

I've been stressing about it for awhile, and as I was driving home from work today, I thought, "What if I give money away equal to what I spend?"  Brilliant, I replied to myself!  And instantly my self-inflicted/God-inflicted guilt was lifted.

A while ago I posted about wanting to have a 50/50 budget....50% to me, 50% to others.  And I dunno, that's hard?  To give away half of what I make?  But this feels right to me.  That it's what I spend that should be equal? 

I think I am way over-analyzing this.  But isn't that how those moral shades of gray are to dealt with?  To wrestle with them, to experiment with them, to think about them, to judge and decide and act? 

So my new thought is:  iPad2!  I will be able to make movies, take pictures, and get online.  And then whifever my computer inevitably dies, maybe I can just keep the iPad as sole gadget? And I will give an equal amount of money to....hm, probably InnerChange.   I love them.

Being a human is tricky business.  Especially when Jesus is ranting about money all the time in the New Testament.  TEACH ME A FINANCE LESSON, JESUS!  Oh wait, I guess that's what the last year has been.

RAAARG

Pet peeve #274:

When people say incredibly racist things, then add, "Not that I mind, of course."

I SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES, ASSHAT.  And yes, those people totally deserve that name.  The sad thing is, do they even see their lies?  UGH.  At least own up to your racism.  And then, you know, GET OVER IT.


Edited for balance:

Epic love #274:

THIS VIDEO!  Whedeonverse women FTW!  My word, Joss is just...excellent.

Anniversary

One year ago today, I flew from Senegal to the United States.  THIS BOGGLES MY MIND.  For one, I never expected to still be in Peoria after a year.  For two, it seems like way longer than a year.  For three, it doesn't seem that long since I walked the sandy roads of Fatick.  Hence the boggle.

I figure the best approach to an anniversary is to consider the past, present, and future, right?  Onward!

Past:  I kind of loved living in Senegal.  It took me awhile, but I must have reached that point, because now I can only look back through rose colored glasses.  I was at my healthiest in Senegal (physically, emotionally, and spiritually).  I was probably at my happiest too.  Although I am now remembering all the times I would get weepy from skyping with friends or mopey due to culture shock.  HOWEVER.  I have a lot of great stories from Senegal.  There were bugs in the shower, compost heaps that got eaten by invading goats, community platters of food, and spastic dancing. 

Present:  If you at all keep up with my blog, you know my opinion of Peoria flip flops like a waffle.  (No, I don't mean twice, it was a poor analogy, okay??)  The thing is, Peoria looks perfect on paper.  I have friends, I have a job, I have things to fill my free time.  But I don't know if my friends love me as much as I love them, I wonder if I could be doing a more fulfilling job elsewhere, and sometimes my free time feels like it's choking me.  So.  Conflicted feelings FTW!

Future:  I will probably be in Peoria for another year, since I've already committed to a Slovenia mission trip next spring (and WHAT, Peoria for two years?  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN and will I survive?)  Hopefully I will move out of my parent's house, and life will get better.  Hopefully I will invest in my junior high class (tonight I had some nice bonding with Daeja, so that's looking pretty good).  Hopefully I will feel secure in my friendships, or make new ones, or just go live in a cave like a hermit because I refuse to be pleased.  And then!  Hopefully God will lead me to some kind of overseas thing, and I will be brave enough to go, and it will be as awesome as Senegal (or awesomer!  I am always okay with more awesome!).

Senegal changed me probably more than anything I've yet experienced.  I was starting to be more confident in college, but it was Senegal that really made me self-assured and independent.  That's what moving to a new continent by yourself will do, apparently.  I'm so grateful for my five months there.  I'm in love with the friends I made there, and I can't wait to reunite with them in July.  I'm so glad I'm not the person I was before Senegal, because I always want to get better and deeper and stronger.

Bring it, future!

Songfic of my Spirituality

 How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

The past couple weeks I have officially stopped talking to God.  Not the result of anything dramatic.  I just realized that I've been reading my Bible and praying out of habit.  I don't look forward to it.  I don't get anything out of it.  I realize that those are not good excuses for stopping, but I was tired.  And it felt more honest to tell God, "Okay sorry bye!" than to continue to pretend that everything was okay.



I struggle to find any truth in your lies

I think the O Me of Little Faith book was the catalyst.  It made me aware of how many doubts I have, and how cynicism is my go-to reaction.  I don't regret reading it, because it was good for me to realize those things.  But it just opened this idea of, "What's the point?" into my spiritual life.



And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

 I don't understand a lot about faith.  I like the NT approach to violence (don't!) but I hate how God wiped out people in the OT.  I don't get why homosexuality is a sin.  I don't understand why Christians are so stupid.  I don't understand why I can't get better at this faith thing.  Why do I always have to struggle with sins and doubts and insecurities?  Can't they just go away?  Does God really care?  Is He actually working in my life?


This weakness I feel I must finally show

I am tired of lying about it.  I'm tired of teaching Sunday School and college Bible Study and pretending like my spiritual life is alright. 


Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

I can plan with the best of them, go through the motions, and do great things for God, even in this state of ignoring.


But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

It's just deeper that I have a problem.  You want emotional solidarity?  Not here.  You want rock solid faith?  Nope.  I am great at externals, but when it comes to internal messiness, I just fall to pieces.



Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

I WANT THIS.  I want to accept this promise from God.  I want God to work in me, to change me, to let me see the world, and to see HIM as He sees it all.  I want His perspective, because my own is selfish and stupid.


But your soul you must keep totally free

And this is the hard part, right?  It's all the things enslaving my soul that distract me from God and keep me from trusting Him.  How do I keep my soul free?  How do I let go of insecurities, of entertainment, of doubts, of relationships, of thoughts, of vices, of everything that makes me prideful and human and selfish?


In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

I think the way (or a way, at least) to see through God's eyes and to stop being stupid is to keep eternity in mind.  Which I don't.  If I really understood that my life is finite and that this body will return to the earth, then....wouldn't I live differently?


Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Where am I investing my love?  In books.  In TV shows.  In church.  Where am I not?  In studying God's Word and spending concentrated time with Him.  I don't love it.  I should love it, right?  But I don't, so I'm not investing my life in it.


Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul

So this is all I have left: crying out for God to change me.  Asking Him to renew me, to open my eyes, to love Him.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't make myself do anything good.  I can only plead, and hope that He will awaken my soul again.


You were made to meet your maker

And that's it.  That's my purpose.  I'm not on earth to please myself, to live an easy life, or to moan around about my crises.  I was made to meet my Maker.  So I ought to get off my butt and do my job.  I should study Him and look for Him and doubt Him and trust Him and wrestle with Him.

Spending Money Before the Rapture

OMG guys.  Only two hours and forty-five minutes more for the Rapture to take place!

I have to admit, one thing I like about this end-of-the-world junk is the snark it brings out of people!  Alex Day made a hilarious "last" vlog, in which he, as an atheist, calls out the crazies on their hypocrisy.  Because if Jesus doesn't know when the last day is, then of course some dude can figure it out.  And anyway, I don't think there'll be a rapture, so.

But I had a wonderful last day.  I finally went out with Marianne, an awesome woman from work.  We went to Re, a store of fantastic things made out of recycled materials.  SO COOL.  I found a mind-blowing purse with a clasp that is a seatbelt.  It was piles more expensive than I would usually pay for a purse (okay, it was $90.  I KNOW).

Marianne told me that probably Martha and Lazarus outfitted Jesus with some rocking, durable sandals, so spending money on something that will last a long time isn't awful.  That would not have convinced me, but then she reminded me that it was our last day on earth.

And...that sold me?  Hahaha.  Partly I like the idea of keeping the purse as this forever remembrance of the day the Rapture came and went.  Remembering to stay humble, to not pretend that I have more knowledge of God than I really do.  But also I realized that whenever I do die, or Jesus returns, I'm not going to care about money sitting in my bank account.  No need to throw it around, but a little fun is good.

I think this is my next step in dealing with materialism.  I have this gut reaction to spending any money ever.  I hate the reckless spending I see in my family.  But I do think there's truth to the fact that God created us to enjoy life, to enjoy beauty, to enjoy creations.  So here's my new plan.  It's okay to spend money on myself, so long as I also spend money on others.

I don't want to be ruled by money, and I don't want to be ruled by selfishness.  So I will buy presents for friends, and I will buy nice new clothes when my old clothes are ruined, and I will give tithes to church, and I will give money offerings to friends who are serving God overseas, and I will buy a purse.

Is this all just justification for buying a purse?  I mean, maybe.  But I honestly don't feel bad about it, especially considering I used my last purse for three years, and if I get that kind of mileage out of this one, well....paid off, I'd say.  And okay, that was an excuse.  But the materialism thing....I'm still struggling with it and figuring it out.

But can't you be just as much a slave to money if you avoid it as if you give in to it?

I guess my modus operandi now is to give to others as often as I give to myself.  We'll see how this goes!

Two hours and thirty minutes!  Should we have a party tomorrow to celebrate the continuance of life?

Edited to add:  OH NOES!  I missed it!