A week ago, I was helping Anju get ready for bed (which usually devolves into me sighing, "You can sing and dance as much as you want, Anju, but you have to put on your pajamas WHILE singing and dancing.") and she rambled on about something entirely brilliant.
"Sometimes I want to be girly," she said, "And make my hair pretty and wear lots of pink and have glitter and stuff. But sometimes I want to attack people and fight and play games. I call myself an Adventure Princess."
I smiled at her and thought, "I'm totally stealing that idea." She's six. I don't think she understands copyright laws.
Because that's exactly how I see myself. I've written before about my discomfort with fitting into gendered boxes, and how I feel like I have a wider-than-normal masculine streak. And yes, I want to play videos games, and I punch people to show affection, and I think bowties and suspenders are the best items of clothing in the world. But I also like nail polish, and I love talking for hours on end, and I love Anju and Ketan pretty fierce.
I want to strap on (fitted) boots, arrange my hair in a messily fantastic braid, paint on dramatic eye makeup, grab a sword, and run screaming into an undiscovered wood.
I'm an Adventure Princess.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Roommate Time
Last night Jessica and I were having such a great conversation that she rode along to Panera with me so I could buy a salad for dinner. Then we decided to have a reading night, so we settled into our Living Room #1 with novels. Amy came home, and sat with us. Liz came home, and sat on the floor. And we all talked until after 10:00.
It was perfectly lovely. We don't often hang out the four of us, because we are busy people with drastically different schedules. But when we do, I'm reminded of how much I like each of them.
All the more when everyone shared roommate horror stories and I realized, I have always had wonderful roommates. How is that even possible? I'm so grateful.
It was perfectly lovely. We don't often hang out the four of us, because we are busy people with drastically different schedules. But when we do, I'm reminded of how much I like each of them.
All the more when everyone shared roommate horror stories and I realized, I have always had wonderful roommates. How is that even possible? I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Career Change
I've changed my mind about what I want to do with my life! Again!
So remember when--no, of course you don't, it's my memory. After I lived in Senegal, I took a spiritual gifts inventory, and Knowledge and Encouragement were near the top. That made sense, because I realized one of my favorite things about being in Senegal was telling everyone about it, and then seeing my friends and family travel there themselves and work alongside the Forsythes. I like to learn, and then I like to encourage other people to learn the same things.
Which is, well, exactly what I do with this blog and my Facebook statuses. I stir things up, I make people think from a different angle, I share what I learn.
It should not be surprising that I am SO excited about an elective I am taking this summer.
Sexual Educator Certification I. AW YEAH.
This is what I do. My poor married friends know that the first thing I ask after their honeymoon is how their sex life is, and then I give advice. I never let lack of experience stand in the way of my wisdom. I am a fan of making people uncomfortable, which is a convenient benefit to talking about sex. Ah, the days of living with Tim and Erin, discussing penises and male lactation. I didn't live with Tim, he was just around a lot.
Anyway, this first class (I of III) covers three topics: single sexuality, male sexuality and married sexuality. I AM SO STINKING READY FOR THIS.
Last semester we learned about different counseling career paths: lay counselor, pastoral counselor, professional counselor, or expertise counselor. I've just been assuming I would do the traditional professional counseling, but since that class I've been waffling toward expertise counseling. That means you, well, become an expert in a certain field, and teach it to others. Oh ho, that sounds like what I do for fun!
Maybe married couples won't want a single woman teaching them about sexuality, but probably some won't mind. Regardless, I'm also super excited about this single sexuality topic, and how fun it would be to reach out to a population that is largely ignored where sexuality is concerned (except to say STOP IT, IT'S ALL EVIL FOR YOU RIGHT NOW).
Literally the only thing that makes me uncomfortable with this idea is that I will have to introduce myself as "Tricia, Sex Expert." HAHAHA just kidding that sounds awesome.
So remember when--no, of course you don't, it's my memory. After I lived in Senegal, I took a spiritual gifts inventory, and Knowledge and Encouragement were near the top. That made sense, because I realized one of my favorite things about being in Senegal was telling everyone about it, and then seeing my friends and family travel there themselves and work alongside the Forsythes. I like to learn, and then I like to encourage other people to learn the same things.
Which is, well, exactly what I do with this blog and my Facebook statuses. I stir things up, I make people think from a different angle, I share what I learn.
It should not be surprising that I am SO excited about an elective I am taking this summer.
Sexual Educator Certification I. AW YEAH.
This is what I do. My poor married friends know that the first thing I ask after their honeymoon is how their sex life is, and then I give advice. I never let lack of experience stand in the way of my wisdom. I am a fan of making people uncomfortable, which is a convenient benefit to talking about sex. Ah, the days of living with Tim and Erin, discussing penises and male lactation. I didn't live with Tim, he was just around a lot.
Anyway, this first class (I of III) covers three topics: single sexuality, male sexuality and married sexuality. I AM SO STINKING READY FOR THIS.
Last semester we learned about different counseling career paths: lay counselor, pastoral counselor, professional counselor, or expertise counselor. I've just been assuming I would do the traditional professional counseling, but since that class I've been waffling toward expertise counseling. That means you, well, become an expert in a certain field, and teach it to others. Oh ho, that sounds like what I do for fun!
Maybe married couples won't want a single woman teaching them about sexuality, but probably some won't mind. Regardless, I'm also super excited about this single sexuality topic, and how fun it would be to reach out to a population that is largely ignored where sexuality is concerned (except to say STOP IT, IT'S ALL EVIL FOR YOU RIGHT NOW).
Literally the only thing that makes me uncomfortable with this idea is that I will have to introduce myself as "Tricia, Sex Expert." HAHAHA just kidding that sounds awesome.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Holy Holy Holy
At chapel this morning, we sang several missions-oriented songs that largely revolved around the theme of "change me, God, give me Your heart" etc. They left me cold. I knew I ought to feel the lyrics, desire to live them out, but I didn't. I don't want to change. I don't want to sacrifice and suffer and stop being who I am so that I can become something better.
The last song we sang was "Holy, Holy, Holy" and the focus on God Himself immediately revitalized me. Yes, this. I cannot change myself, and I cannot even desire sanctification. But the holy, triune God? He is everything, He is worthy, and I will sing about Him with all my heart.
"Holy! Holy! Holy! Though the darkness hide thee,
Though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
Only thou art holy; there is none beside thee,
Perfect in power, in love and purity."
I'm very tired of self-focused religion. I understand that it is necessary to some extent, but I think the ratio ought to be split. Let's have 80% of our worship and fellowship be about God, and only 20% be about us. I think that might even have more of an impact on sanctification, and more powerfully, because it will be growth as a result of staring into the holy face of God, and not some struggling battle of the will.
The last song we sang was "Holy, Holy, Holy" and the focus on God Himself immediately revitalized me. Yes, this. I cannot change myself, and I cannot even desire sanctification. But the holy, triune God? He is everything, He is worthy, and I will sing about Him with all my heart.
"Holy! Holy! Holy! Though the darkness hide thee,
Though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
Only thou art holy; there is none beside thee,
Perfect in power, in love and purity."
I'm very tired of self-focused religion. I understand that it is necessary to some extent, but I think the ratio ought to be split. Let's have 80% of our worship and fellowship be about God, and only 20% be about us. I think that might even have more of an impact on sanctification, and more powerfully, because it will be growth as a result of staring into the holy face of God, and not some struggling battle of the will.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Learning to Apologize
I like to post Facebook statuses that are mildly insulting of marriage or children and see how long it takes before someone says, "Oh, but really it's SO GREAT." My favorite was when I mentioned how hard motherhood would be for me since I am used to getting paid for watching kids, and someone responded, "But when they're your own you just won't care!"
I'm sorry, but. Isn't it the new American dream to get paid for something you love? Loving kids has nothing to do with it. I love watching TV, but I would definitely enjoy getting paid for every episode I watch.
It feels conspiratorial. Everyone knows marriage is not 100% awesome. Everyone knows raising kids is not 100% awesome. So when people say that it IS great all the time, all I can do is give them the side-eye and assume they are hiding something. Yes, I'm a cynic. But I'm also studying counseling, and I know how many ways relationships can go wrong.
It's also annoying, because people say things like, "Marriage teaches you sanctification more than anything else!" or "Being a parent has really helped me understand God's heart for us!" You might not mean it this way, but all I hear is, "Because you're single, you simply won't be as godly or love as unconditionally as us married parents!"
Today I think I glimpsed a bit into what these people mean. I took the kiddos to piano, and while Ketan was in lessons, Anju was doing theory near me. She asked me to help, and I told her to look back in her book for examples. She started crying, and cold-hearted bastard that I am, I intoned, "I understand that you're upset, but I gave you my advice. If you don't want to take it, you don't have to. But I'm not going to help you just because you're crying." She kept crying. Ketan came out to check on her. The teacher came out to check on her. I sat there, immovable. When the teacher said she could give it a rest until next week, I moved to another part of the lounge.
And immediately felt guilty. I should apologize, I thought. I'll do it when Ketan goes to Boy Scouts. I should do it now. She might not remember why as clearly if I wait. So I sucked up my pride, and knelt in front of the chair she was in.
"Anju, I'm sorry for not comforting you when you were upset earlier. I'm in kind of a bad mood because Ketan didn't feel well earlier, and I'm stressed because I have a midterm tomorrow. I took out my bad mood on you, and I shouldn't have. I care about you, and I'm sad that you were upset. Okay?"
She nodded sagely. "Can I hug you?" I asked. She nodded again. I hugged her, and she whispered, "That hurts my shoulders." So I rocked back on my heels, grasped her shoulders in a arms-length dance-hug, and said, "How about this?" and stared wistfully into her eyes. She giggled a little, and smiled, so I went back to my seat.
What I learned is this. You have to learn to apologize with kids because YOU ARE THE ONE SCREWING THEM UP. When you ignore adults, sure, you might be solidifying their distrust of relationships, but with kids, you are the one forming them to be distrustful. That's a lot of pressure. Also, kids are freaking annoying when they are in bad moods. They have not yet learned how to suck it up and put on a fake smile. So you have to apologize quickly to defuse their tantrum bomb.
I still don't think that parents have some magical insight into the mind of God. What I think is that we all need to be investing ourselves in people of all ages, sexes, races, and relationships. We can learn how to forgive, or be patient, or love unconditionally no matter our marital status. It just takes getting outside of ourselves and being in relationship with others.
In this case, it involved a child. But it doesn't always have to.
I'm sorry, but. Isn't it the new American dream to get paid for something you love? Loving kids has nothing to do with it. I love watching TV, but I would definitely enjoy getting paid for every episode I watch.
It feels conspiratorial. Everyone knows marriage is not 100% awesome. Everyone knows raising kids is not 100% awesome. So when people say that it IS great all the time, all I can do is give them the side-eye and assume they are hiding something. Yes, I'm a cynic. But I'm also studying counseling, and I know how many ways relationships can go wrong.
It's also annoying, because people say things like, "Marriage teaches you sanctification more than anything else!" or "Being a parent has really helped me understand God's heart for us!" You might not mean it this way, but all I hear is, "Because you're single, you simply won't be as godly or love as unconditionally as us married parents!"
Today I think I glimpsed a bit into what these people mean. I took the kiddos to piano, and while Ketan was in lessons, Anju was doing theory near me. She asked me to help, and I told her to look back in her book for examples. She started crying, and cold-hearted bastard that I am, I intoned, "I understand that you're upset, but I gave you my advice. If you don't want to take it, you don't have to. But I'm not going to help you just because you're crying." She kept crying. Ketan came out to check on her. The teacher came out to check on her. I sat there, immovable. When the teacher said she could give it a rest until next week, I moved to another part of the lounge.
And immediately felt guilty. I should apologize, I thought. I'll do it when Ketan goes to Boy Scouts. I should do it now. She might not remember why as clearly if I wait. So I sucked up my pride, and knelt in front of the chair she was in.
"Anju, I'm sorry for not comforting you when you were upset earlier. I'm in kind of a bad mood because Ketan didn't feel well earlier, and I'm stressed because I have a midterm tomorrow. I took out my bad mood on you, and I shouldn't have. I care about you, and I'm sad that you were upset. Okay?"
She nodded sagely. "Can I hug you?" I asked. She nodded again. I hugged her, and she whispered, "That hurts my shoulders." So I rocked back on my heels, grasped her shoulders in a arms-length dance-hug, and said, "How about this?" and stared wistfully into her eyes. She giggled a little, and smiled, so I went back to my seat.
What I learned is this. You have to learn to apologize with kids because YOU ARE THE ONE SCREWING THEM UP. When you ignore adults, sure, you might be solidifying their distrust of relationships, but with kids, you are the one forming them to be distrustful. That's a lot of pressure. Also, kids are freaking annoying when they are in bad moods. They have not yet learned how to suck it up and put on a fake smile. So you have to apologize quickly to defuse their tantrum bomb.
I still don't think that parents have some magical insight into the mind of God. What I think is that we all need to be investing ourselves in people of all ages, sexes, races, and relationships. We can learn how to forgive, or be patient, or love unconditionally no matter our marital status. It just takes getting outside of ourselves and being in relationship with others.
In this case, it involved a child. But it doesn't always have to.
Anticipating Travel
Bridgett and I are going to Arizona this weekend, and I honestly don't know if I'm more excited about the roadtrip through West Texas or the actual destination. It doesn't really matter, I guess, because the important thing is I'm satiating my wanderlust!
I wonder if I have an internal countdown clock that resets every time I see a new place.
I wonder what would happen if I let the countdown clock run out!?
Arizona, Arizona, please hurry up. I don't want to take my midterms.
I wonder if I have an internal countdown clock that resets every time I see a new place.
I wonder what would happen if I let the countdown clock run out!?
Arizona, Arizona, please hurry up. I don't want to take my midterms.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Online Writing Community
I joined an online writer's community. For years I have been terrified of showing my writing to others. That is why I switched from my English major--I realized I couldn't spend four years letting people see my work and criticize it as a group. It's not just that I'm scared of people what people will say about what I write; I'm scared they'll say I'm no good at writing. And well, writing is my thing. It's the one part of me that I consider a talent. With very little else to fall back on, it felt too vulnerable to expose my one talent to possible criticism.
Anyway, I decided that since I'm nearly 25, I ought to suck things up and get on with being confident. So I joined an online community! AND IT IS AWESOME. Because here's the (obvious) thing: there's a vast difference between thinking you're good at something and hearing someone else affirm you.
Added benefit, most writers tend to be self-conscious and easily hurt. There's a reason we share our feelings on paper and in formalized stories or poems. Actual communication is scary. Writing allows us to share our thoughts from a distance. Since pretty much everyone else on the site feels similarly, everyone is lovely and encouraging.
ANOTHER benefit, which I thought of after Jessica played me a song by Pink. Usually when someone shares a problem or a hurt, the response is, "Oh, don't feel bad! It could be worse! I'm sorry, be happy!" And since most poetry is about the sad things in life, that could be an unwelcome response. Not so on this site. Everyone comments with things like, "Yes, exactly, I've felt that way. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm so impressed with how you dug into that grit."
Sigh. It's like finding a home, is what I'm saying. I should have done this ages ago.
Anyway, I decided that since I'm nearly 25, I ought to suck things up and get on with being confident. So I joined an online community! AND IT IS AWESOME. Because here's the (obvious) thing: there's a vast difference between thinking you're good at something and hearing someone else affirm you.
Added benefit, most writers tend to be self-conscious and easily hurt. There's a reason we share our feelings on paper and in formalized stories or poems. Actual communication is scary. Writing allows us to share our thoughts from a distance. Since pretty much everyone else on the site feels similarly, everyone is lovely and encouraging.
ANOTHER benefit, which I thought of after Jessica played me a song by Pink. Usually when someone shares a problem or a hurt, the response is, "Oh, don't feel bad! It could be worse! I'm sorry, be happy!" And since most poetry is about the sad things in life, that could be an unwelcome response. Not so on this site. Everyone comments with things like, "Yes, exactly, I've felt that way. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm so impressed with how you dug into that grit."
Sigh. It's like finding a home, is what I'm saying. I should have done this ages ago.
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