Hanging With Orphans

The kids at the Light Orphanage are deceptive.  They are smiley, helpful, and completely adorable.  The older ones kiss and carry the younger ones.  They all help set up dinners and bedtime.  They are some of the best kids I've ever met.

It's easy to forget they are orphans.  Their parents either died or abandoned them at the hospital because they could not afford to take care of them.  Some of them are healthy, but one has a serious mental disorder and another has had major reconstructive surgery and therapy on her legs and arms.  One has heart problems and another has lung problems, neither of which the orphanage can afford to preemptively fix.

When I first got to the camp where the orphanage spends three weeks every summer enjoying the fresh country air, I was mobbed by huggers and hand holders and lap sitters.  I'm used to kids liking me, but not nearly that fast, before I even spoke to them.  As cliche as it is, these kids are attention starved.  They are well taken care of at this private Christian orphanage, but they are cared for en masse by three or four women at a time (for 19 kids).  They rarely get the one-on-one attention they deserve.  

I guess I think that is my job for these three days--to lavish them with attention, love, eye contact, and smiles.

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Right after the verse where James says that religion that God finds pure and faultless is to look after orphans and widows in their distress, he talks about how we shouldn't show favoritism. So of course while I took care of orphans, I struggled with favoritism. Hopefully I didn't show it too obviously, but I definitely had favorites.

My all time favorite was Usukhbayar. He is 10, and completely made of gangly boy limbs. He knows a few words in English, and delighted in learning to say "I love milk tea. I love Jesus. Good morning." He is one of the oldest kids there, and he happily takes care of the little kids, putting them on their potties, carrying them up mountains, or cleaning up after they eat/spill food all over the place. He loved to ask for my notebook so he could draw Disney princesses, and then we would play this hand clapping game for way too long.

Second was Amraa, who is all boy. He refuses to eat normally if a more interesting way is possible, and I was always about to take a picture of his awesomeness when one of the women in charge would scold him. This is why I will be a terrible mother. He is 7, and he has this wild smile that I found completely adorable.

Always I like the boys. The girls were super cute and very sweet, but the ones who stole my heart were boys. I want a bunch of boys. They're so much fun.

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I have newly learned that I am a horrible person. Segi is 6 and she has a pretty severe brain condition. She can't talk, and she has to wear a diaper and be fed. She constantly mumbles, jerks her head around, or bangs her head on the floor. Even when she's clean, she smells of stale vomit, and the other workers mostly throw her in a corner so she won't burn herself or get into something she oughtn't.

I knew I should spend time with her. If Jesus is the least of these, then Jesus was in her. But I just didn't want to. Her hands were always sticky, she drooled, and I had to breathe carefully to avoid her odor. I hated myself for being so disgusted. I try so hard to be above social judgments, and what can be more pitiable than a mentally ill child?

My guilt did build up to the point that I went to her and just stroked her back for awhile. I don't think she gets much physical affection at all. Of course, when I did this one good thing, she latched on to me, and came up to me often, grabbing my hand and drooling on my pants. And not once, in three days, did I ever like her. I tried to pay attention to her. I knew that is what I ought to do. And even though I did spend some time with her, I'm ashamed to admit the majority of the time, I consciously chose to spend time with the healthy, happy kids rather than with her.

It does nothing to benefit that poor girl, but at least for me it was good to have my selfishness and sinfulness so obviously shoved in my face.

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We all slept in one room, and slim mats were laid out in big sections, so we all kind of slept together. The first night, one girl found a bug in her bed, so she ran screaming to the adults, and she slept between me and a worker. In the moonlight, I saw her face turned toward mine, so I patted her hand. She grabbed it and held it with both of hers on her stomach, stroking my arm and playing with my fingernails until we both fell asleep.

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The women who work at the orphanage are fine. More harsh than my "everyone is special" American mentality sometimes liked, but they take good care of the kids. The thing is, there is only so much of a relationship that can have with kids when you are taking care of 17 at once. Added to that, they only work eight hours a day. The kids don't have consistency in their adults. They don't have one on one affection and unconditional love.

I thought they had a pretty good situation at first, and definitely, this orphanage is far and above better than most. But none of that can compare to having two parents who love you, who will be with you every day of every week of every year, who will discipline you and hold you and kiss you and tell they love you.

These poor kids. I am definitey for sure 100% adopting. I wish more Christians would do the same. There really can be no greater gift than to take an orphan into your family.

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I never knew it was possible for five kids to fit on my lap at once. Even though I knew my job was to love these kids, by Wednesday night I was dreading the following two full days with them. They were perfectly cute. But there were so many of them, and they all wanted my attention and my physical affection. It was exhausting! I took to hiding in the room for a few minutes of peace and quiet before they found me and demanded that I fly them like airplanes on my feet or hold them or pretend to be a marionette to their strings.

You'd think that God asking you to hang out with adorable kids for a few days would be easy, but for me? It was akin to roofing a house, how draining it was.

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One of the things I wanted from this trip was confirmation about working in an orphanage, and I have to admit, I still don't know. I am more adamant than ever that it is Important Work. I am newly aware that it is incredibly difficult and emotionally draining, and that without the process of letting go of kids you come to see as your own but have to give up so they can have a real family.

So. I've also become more sure of how God works in my life. That adventures and next steps are not something to be rushed, that God set up this trip to Mongolia in such a cool way without needing my input. So what I've decided is that yes, I am open to orphanage work, but God will have to set it up. If I pursue it on my own power, I have no doubt that I will crumble under it's pressure. But if I wait for His timing, I think it will still be draining, but I will be able to endure.

Unti then, I get the feeling I will be in Peoria for awhile, at least a year or two more. But who knows? Now that I'm prepared for that possibility, God might change things up on me. That's all part of trusting Him, I guess!