I think I am becoming a pessimist. Lately I automatically jump to the bad in things, which is annoying, because I've never enjoyed being around pessimistic people, and I don't want people to dread being around me.
Because I am a psychology lover, I naturally tried to figure out what it was that was causing me to be this way. What I came up with is this: I am dissatisfied with my life, and I feel like I am wasting it.
That is a ridiculous thought, because of these four reasons:
1. I am starting a real job at a library on Monday until forever.
2. I am teaching a missions segment to kids on Wednesday night.
3. I am teaching junior high Sunday School.
4. I am leading a woman's Bible study that starts in a couple weeks.
These are all excellent things! The last three are things that I know God wants me to do and, in fact, arranged for me. So why do I feel so wrong?
Partly it is because I'm living with my parents. So much of my life is starting to look like adulthood, but here I am, living in the house I grew up in with the parents who raised me. Yes, it makes financial sense. Yes, I get along with my parents great. Yes, I think that developing my relationship with my dad is something else God has given me to work on.
But culture is eating at my soul, telling me I'm pathetic and immature and unworthy.
That isn't the main issue, though. Because honestly, if I got my own place, I might end up complacent. I might work at the library for decades, or get some other normal life job, and I might start to think that staying in Peoria for the rest of my life is a viable option.
And that is the real core of the discontent in my spirit. Why am I not overseas? God gave me a heart for international missions. In a year and a half, He took me from an attitude of "I love short term missions but have no desire for anything more" to "Two weeks? That is nothing! I need to live in new places and live dramatically and radically trust God for my survival and sanity."
That is nothing short of a miracle.
I feel a little betrayed. Didn't know that I did until I just wrote it, but there it is. I feel like God changed me and gave me this great passion, and then yanked it away. I feel like He enticed me with glittery foreign countries and a sparkly missionary future, and then He said "Ha ha. But really, instead you are going to live in the United States, and I'm going to make you care about local missions, and you're going to get a normal job, and you're going to have to give up on international missions for awhile."
But what if that "awhile" turns into forever? I have a horrible habit of forgetting how much I love international missions. What if I lose it? What if I never live overseas again? What if I totally misread what God was doing in my life? What if I am misreading it now?
I don't understand how people navigate life without exploding or imploding. I could probably go either way, right now.
Jarod Juriga came to Woodland while he was waiting the 6-8 weeks for the IMB to act. 28 months later, he finally went to Japan through some remarkable working of God. Almost immediatelly in Japan, he met Debbie with whom he bagan falling in love but could not touch or even pretend to be in love. They both resigned their positions with the IMB and came home, got married and are now preparing to serve in a church in Texas while again waiting on the IMB to find a place for them to serve.
ReplyDeleteAND have you ever seen Mr. Holland's Opus? Don't miss your "symphony."
Bill
Tricia, I don't think that God betrayed you. He gave you an opportunity to see whether international missions were what you wanted to do, and it sounds like you have decided that you want to do that. Yes, He enticed you, but then He didn't say "Ha Ha". He probably said "OK, now let's see what she does to get what she wants. Let's see if she really wants it." He's probably waiting for you to start preparing to be an international missionary instead of waiting for Him to put it in your lap. Where do you want to go? Start learning the language and customs there. Find out what you need to qualify. Make yourself ready. If you start doing this, I bet it will relieve tons of your discontent. I think God wants you to be a partner and not a dependent.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if this preparation is not exciting to you or is too hard to do, maybe there is a message there as well. There is nothing wrong with leading a "normal" life with a focus on local missions. They sure would appreciate the help, and God would be delighted as well. Take the lemon and make lemonade.
Whatever you decide, put your heart into it. That is the key to success. You have a big heart and a great compassion. You will do well.
Tommy
Tommy, I'm going to do that agree to disagree thing, because we've already shared our beliefs on how to follow God, and while I definitely agree with your proactive approach in some circumstances, I have already explained why I am doing what I am doing. I am using past and present experiences to guide my obedience to God. There have been times when I felt God was giving me free reign. There were other times I felt like God was asking me to wait on Him. This is one of those times.
ReplyDeleteTricia,
ReplyDeleteWaiting is good. Blackeby says, "Don't just do something, stand there." He points out that while you are waiting on God, He can really wear you out.
One story about a foreign misssionary with an interesting assignment. My mom wanted to be a foreign missionary and then met my dad and had all of us and a farm. In their 60+ years together, they have hosted people from Turkey, Brazil, Africa, Korea, bunches from China and bunches from Japan and I'm sure I've missed some. We have one Japanese boy whom we consider a brother literally. She estabished a foreign mission board in her home. Interesting twist and remarkably educational for her children.
Bill
Bill - I like that a lot a lot!
ReplyDelete