It seems like the more I learn to show grace to one person, the less I show to someone else. I don't know if this means I have a limited amount of grace to give, or else that I am very good at convincing myself I am maturing when really I am shifting around my self-effort.
I've been feeling convicted lately about my attitude toward the church. I find it quite comfortable to defend non-Christians and understand flaws and forgive insults. But fellow followers of Christ? I hold them to a crazy high standard! They have to be perfect (by which I really mean, think and act exactly like me).
Why is this? Honestly, I think it's self-consciousness. I am ashamed of how people act in the name of Christ, whether it's obviously hateful propaganda or subtler rule-following. I've got very specific opinions, and I want everyone to know that I'm not like "those other guys." So when I talk to my employers, inevitably I explain how I'm not like other Christians. Rarely do I talk about how I AM like other Christians, in that we are all stumbling after a perfect God-man who promises us abundant life if we will trust in Him to save us and sanctify us.
I'm scared of being lumped into a group with people I don't 100% agree with, because what if people judge me? What if people think badly of me? I'm so frail when it comes to public opinion, and even frailer when I'm getting charged with something I didn't do. I so often throw my sisters and brothers under the bus so that I will look good.
And that's ridiculous. I've learned to show grace to myself, to realize that God is in a lifelong process of changing me, and that I will never have things 100% nailed down, understood, and lived out. I'm okay with that, because I'm a finite human. But you know who else are finite humans? Everyone. I want to learn to show grace to those people who follow Jesus a little differently than me, or are passionate about something I don't understand, or who mock something I'm passionate about. We are all pursuing God, and He can work in us however, and whenever, He chooses. I need to be okay with that, and trust Him, and pour out grace.
As Augustine is attributed as saying, "The church is a whore, but she is my mother." The universal church has done some pretty horrific things in the past, and is doing some pretty horrific things in the present. We are not perfect in our imitation of Christ, but we are family, and I ought to stand united with my brothers and sisters. So I'm going to try to work alongside God as He melts my heart of stone.
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