Nannying is the best practice for future counseling if, like me, you are fairly sure you're going to spend a practicum doing play therapy (which is therapy centered around, well, playing, focused on 3-10 year olds). I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of a prodigy. For instance, I've totally nailed the whole "give choices" thing.
I'm pretty adept at saying, "Do you want to eat a peach or an apple?" and "You can do either piano or Kumon--go!" I've even upgraded to the more difficult choice-consequence alliance, "You either choose to wear your helmet, or you choose to stand beside me and watch your brother ride his bike."
And then, sadly, there are days when my normal human growth class comes a day too late. Take yesterday, for instance, when the aforementioned bike outing took place. Anju had already been fussy earlier in the day, and then there was a whole debacle with her helmet being itchy. Finally we got to the road, and within two minutes she decided she wanted her bike instead of her scooter. I said no, and she burst into angry tears.
Eventually Ketan confronted me. "Why can't she get her bike?" To be fair, it was like, fifty yards away. It was not outside the realm of possibility. But I burst out, "Because I don't deal well with crying! Crying is not the way to get what you want!"
Immediately I had that oh-crap sinking feeling. I didn't back down, because I also know the importance of consistency. But I knew that an ugly part of myself was rearing its head. I don't believe in emotion. My family is Stoic Haven. We don't fight, we don't yell, we don't get overly excited. We're very modern, very British, very repressed.
Then today in class we talked about how important it is to let kids feel and process their emotions. You don't have to accept bad behavior, but emotions shouldn't be shut down. So. Oops. Next emotional breakdown, I'll be ready.
OK, but see kids take that emotion expression to the EXTREME! Seriously. One of my children would cry 100 times a day over every little bitty thing, if he were allowed to. I was not raised in a British-ish house. I was raised in a house where I could express my emotions freely, and I let them express them freely. I encourage them to discuss their emotions. That's great, however, there's crying over something because you didn't get what you wanted, then there's WHINING over something because you didn't get what you want. That is a fine line. The Bible says do everything without complaining or arguing. I think whining falls into that complaining category. Plus it drives me absolutely insane to, hypothetically, ask him where he put the bag of chocolate cereal, and have him start crying because he doesn't know where they are. Hypothetically, I tell you. I don't deal well with that. Look for it, don't be able to find it, THEN get upset about it, but don't just immediately start crying because you don't have it sitting in your hands at that exact second. I ready admit I despise crying because you're not getting what you want. That's what words are for, not tears. Aren't you glad I'm not your mother.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree there's a fine line between letting someone feel emotions and then just allowing constant whining. In class, we were mostly talking about how kids take longer to self-regulate their emotions than (some) adults, so give them time. We also talked about how sometimes parents who are into instant obedience in every detail of life are damaging. Give kids a minute or two to work out whether or not they're going to obey you--that helps them develop a sense of self and autonomy.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I didn't need to let her whine. But I could have talked to her about her sadness, then explained why we weren't getting her bike. I didn't have to jump right to "STOP CRYING OH MY GOSH." Parenting lessons on someone else's kids. :)
My kids will be coming to see you when they're ready for therapy. Undoubtedly, they'll need it. 95% positive. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh man, we all do. What I've mostly learned so far is this: Every generation thinks they've got it figured out, so they act one way toward their kids, who grow up and say, "YOU SCREWED ME UP!" and so they raise their kids the same/differently, and those kids grow up and say, "YOU SCREWED ME UP!"
ReplyDeleteGranted, some things are better and worse ways to raise kids. But a lot of our neuroses are just a result of us being sinful people in a sinful world under attack by Satan. So. We all need therapy.