The past week and a half I've been robotically running into my culture shock wall, or maybe more accurately in this context, my "You mean this is real life and not a temporary displacement?" wall. Nothing's bad. I still love my roommates, my school, my job, and my church. But I am TIRED.
I'm tired of reading seminary books all the time, half understanding the words floating through my brain. I'm tired of thinking through the future, of what classes to take and when, and whether or not to plan for my licensure in Texas or Illinois or nowhere. I'm tired of feeling like the new girl in social situations. I'm tired of managing my money and waiting two weeks until I have enough saved up to buy stupid expensive Clinique face wash.
And then this weekend I got a cold. Which is, whatever, unsurprising. Stress and all.
Today I went to Dr. Kreider's class at 7:45 a.m. because I will not miss his class unless I am dead. After that I thought, "I've got my chapel hours a little ahead of schedule. I could go home for two hours before my next class. But if I go home...there's a good chance I'll stay there." My sneaky manipulative brain answered itself, smarmily assuring itself that "Of course I'll come back. It's no big deal! Just go home and rest."
So I drove home, knowing there was an 80% chance I wouldn't return. Just in case, I refilled my water bottle and set out my books and purse for a run out the door. Then I lay down on the couch and napped. When my alarm went off at 12:10, I spent all of ten seconds deciding to dismiss it, and then I slept for another two hours.
THERE IT IS. I skipped my first seminary class! Agh, the shame! I'm a skipping skipper who skips, and that will never change, and I spent my own money to pay for that class, and I just let it go to waste!
And now, it's like a death knoll, or something. I don't really know what that means. But I've skipped once. The perfect record is tarnished. WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? But really, hopefully, it's just because of my cold. And my life crisis. That's all.
Shame? What shame? My goodness, Tricia, you are a human just like the rest of us and you get sick and feel miserable and skip a class. This is not the end of the world...I think you are doing quite well if this is the first class you've missed. Quit berating yourself! You are a great lady!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Tommy. I mostly hyperbolize on here. But the feeling of shame is more because I'm a chronic skipper (I used to figure out how many classes I was allowed to skip without penalty and then schedule them into the semester) and I'd hoped to overcome that tendency now that I'm spending my own money and studying something I love. Alas, it was all too easy to slid onto my couch and sleep a class hour away.
ReplyDeleteThat is an interesting comment about spending your own money, Tricia. When I was going to college I was 27 years old, married, one child, working full time and paying for school with my own money. I would never have skipped a class that I paid for unless I was really ill. (I am a natural cheapskate.) Having your own money in the game makes all the difference in the world.
ReplyDeleteI will remember that you hyperbolize sometimes....!