Turning Around

I just reread Angry Conversations with God by Susan E. Isaacs.  It is one of my always favorite books because Isaacs hilariously and meaningfully captures both the messiness and the beauty of Christianity.  I needed that reminder.  I feel like her sometimes, too rebellious for church, too tame for the world.  I'm so displeased with how the church at large interacts with the secular world.  I'm confused about God and his role in creating goodness and watching evil seep its way in.

Isaacs told me that was okay.  She reminded me that "I can run toward you or away from you, but I cannot make you disappear.  You're written on the palm of my hand too."  She told me that God grieves with me, that sometimes the mediocre help we get in life is all God can give us because its all his people are allowing him to give.

I finally had a good talk with God.  I told him how much I missed Peoria and the comfort I had there.  And I knew he was sad too.  He didn't regret bringing me to Dallas, and I know that I will come to love this place and feel purpose here too.  But God isn't a dictator.  He knows I need to grieve, and what's more, he sat beside me and grieved with me.  I love that so much.  I love my God who feels with me, who wants so much for me, but will let me be sad for the things that are gone.

I'm grateful to live with Jess.  I don't have many people in my life who want to see both the messiness and beauty of Christianity.  It's easier to stick to one or the other.  But Jess is a lot like me--raging against the failures of the church, willing to honestly discuss doubts and confusions, and to honor those non-churchy feelings.  But she is also totally in love with Jesus.  She knows the gospel, the sweet offer for every broken and battered person to come find rest, and she triumphs that message when it seems like a lot of the church is preaching something else.

So thanks Susan E. Isaacs and Jess.  You've reminded me that God is good.