Arwen and Tauriel

Me:  And I loved Tauriel and Kili.
David:  Of course you did.
Me:  I was expecting her to die with him, since she's not in Lord of the Rings.  I thought it would be a tragic Romeo & Juliet thing.  But she lived!  And it was so much worse and so much better!
David:  She has to live without him forever.
Me:  Yeah.
David:  Forever.
Me:  Oh my gosh.  You're right.  *keening*  This is so painful!!
David:  She's like the opposite of Arwen.
Me:  *gasp*  Someone should write an essay about that!
David:  I'll get right on that.

I don't think he's going to get right on that, so I will!  Tauriel, the immortal elf who loved a mortal dwarf, and Arwen, the immortal elf who loved a mortal man.  The first watched her love die and will have to live forever with that pain, while the second gave up her immortality and died with her love.  Although Arwen's decision was given much weight throughout the LotR series, I can't help but think that Tauriel's love is the more tragic.

Arwen's choice to give up her immortality and live a mortal life alongside Aragorn was undercut by the overarching tragedy of the elves.  They live forever, but in a broken world, this is not such a gift as it might seem.  Some elves respond to this tragedy by isolation (Thranduil and the Mirkwood elves), while others jump into the affairs of men and suffer the consequences (Haldir in the movies).  In between are those like Elrond and Galadriel who spend most of their time amongst their own people, but are willing to engage with the wars of men and dwarves if the need is great enough.  No matter their worldview, the elves are consistently portrayed as beautiful tragedies, a relic of a time long gone.  They are separate from everything around them, waiting for the end of their age when all elves journey on to Valinor.

With this backdrop, Arwen's decision feels almost smart.  Choosing to live and die a mortal means becoming relevant.  She can engage with the peoples around her and feel the increased joy and sorrow that accompanies experiences from a mortal vantage point.  Eternity for elves is known, but the fate of men after death is less established.  This is one of her risks, trusting in eternity even without the surety of elven faith.  Far greater, however, is her separation from her people.  As her father and friends leave Middle-earth, she alone lives on.  Until she dies.  But it seems to me that death is not so much the tragedy as is her goodbyes.

Then we have Tauriel, a new character added by Peter Jackson.  I adore her, both for the general inclusion of a female presence in the male-dominated Hobbit story, and for her specific combination of warrior-lover.  Kili the dwarf falls in love with her when she saves his life, and she falls in love with him when they discuss starlight and family traditions.  Although they know each other an impossibly short amount of time, Tauriel feels his death deeply.  So deeply that she finally comes to understand the coldness of Thranduil, who repressed his emotions so deeply in order to ignore the pain of losing his wife centuries ago.

And that's the thing.  Losing someone you love means centuries of grief if you are an elf.  As in Thranduil's case, this can still occur even between elf-elf reltionships.  But Tauriel's love for a dwarf exacerbates this problem.  Not only is she in love with a mortal, she is in love with a hot-headed dwarf who seeks the glory of battle and the honor of his homeland.  A short time together, she now has an eternity to mourn him.  No wonder she cries, "If this is love, I do not want it."  Opening your heart to love means opening your heart to pain.  For a human, but so much more for an elf.

So who has the greater tragedy?  Arwen, who gave up immortality, or Tauriel, who must live forever with grief? 

Clearly the answer is me, a obsessive fan who has chosen to carry both their burdens.

So Much Joy

I've been walking on clouds the last couple days.  So much of my "but I don't know details!" anxiety has disappeared, because, well, I know some details now!

I Skyped with Argyris on Monday, and I cannot overstate HOW IMPORTANT it is for me to see his (and Dina's) face.  It is utterly bizarre trying to plan this massive life transition alone, half a world away from my fellow planners.  He filled me in on some visa information, and most importantly, on my job!

I'm definitely going to be teaching classes for the women in the safe house, along with another teacher (as yet undecided).  Classes run from 10-4, which is my DREAM SCHEDULE.  I'll essentially be doing pscyhoeducation, and I am so excited.  When I first started at DTS, I remember being super interested in psychoeducation (basically, this means teaching psychological and healthful skills), but getting sidetracked by traditional counseling where you don't so much lead and teach as walk beside and encourage.

Anyway, there will be morning and afternoon classes based on topics like anger management, self-esteem, co-dependency, finances, employment, parenting, and an optional Bible study.  THIS IS SO AMAZING.  I love these topics!  I love how diverse the topics are!  I want to teach these topics SO BAD and learn while I teach and talk about them all the time and oh my gosh.  This is so completely perfect.

Plus, on Wednesday mornings I will lead the women in going through the 12 Steps.  This originated with alcoholism, but it has since been used by all sorts of groups based on the premise "I need help from something bigger than me to overcome this issue."  And the best part--on Wednesday afternoons, the leaders (including me!) will be participating in our own 12 Step program!!  I'm so excited!  I've wanted to find group counseling ever since my growth at DTS group, and here is one worked into my job!  Agh, I can't wait!

Having a concrete picture of what I'll be doing has been so encouraging.  On top of that, I have been supported by some really amazing men.  At work, Tyler has been a 100% cheerleader for pursuing my passion and helping me realize abused and neglected women really is my passion.  At Woodland, Joel has talked with me and worked with me in creating space for me to work with the church in raising support.  At TFC, Mike has started opening doors for me finding support here in Dallas.  And in Greece, Argyris is emailing me often, answering questions and just speaking such lovely prayers into my life (this last Skype he assured me he was praying that the awkward few months between graduation and moving would be meaningful for me).

Working with women who have been trafficked, it is easy for me to slip into "men are evil!" mentalities.  I am SO GRATEFUL to have such wonderful godly men who see a passion and a purpose in my life and are going out of their ways to help me accomplish it.  It really brightens my soul.

PLUS PLUS PLUS.  We had a staff meeting at my counseling center, and I sat by this guy Jeremy.  He is an intern as well, but he works a different day, so we've never talked before.  I told him about moving to Athens to work with women fleeing sex trafficking, and he said, "I think I know who you're working for."

"Dina and Argyris Petrou!?"

"Yeah.  At the Greek Bible College?"

"YES."

He went there with his wife TWICE in the last year.  He lived in the school's apartments where I will likely be living!  He met Dina and Argyris, and he heard them lecture on sex trafficking!!  I am so blown away by this tiny world we live in, and I'm feeling extra encouraged by Jeremy's extreme excitement and love for their work.

I'M IN THIS.  Sure, there will be more time for grieving the people and things I'm leaving.  But right now I am full to the brim of JOY.  I cannot wait!  This is such an exciting adventure, and I can't help feeling like it is designed especially for me.

Waiting in Advent

During Thanksgiving break, I played Dragon Age II for at least five hours every day.  Pretty quickly I realized I was escaping my anxiety by completing fictional quests, and I was grateful for the reprieve.  But now life has started back up, and I have to face the unbearable unknowability of the future.

It seems like I might not go to Greece until late 2015 or early 2016.  This throws my schedule off, as that means I will have to think through lease renewals and jobs.  It seems like fundraising is going to be extremely complicated and scary.  It seems like this whole adventure is overwhelming.

I tend to be a quitter.  If I don't think I can do something, I bow out and find something else.  So it was encouraging to realize that I don't want to quit Greece.  Although I am scared, there is no part of me that feels okay with saying, "well, screw this, back to the original plan."  I am 100% convinced that this is my best next step.  But still, I worry.

I talked to my friend Michal yesterday about our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico.  When she asked if I wanted to celebrate her birthday in the Caribbean, I immediately said yes.  Within 24 hours I had 1) booked flights, 2) reserved a hotel, and 3) scheduled a kayaking trip.  I threw it all back to her, and she stuttered an agreement, with the unspoken, "I just suggested this," very much evident.

That's what is frustrating about Greece.  When I decide something, I want to immediately work toward accomplishing it.  The fact that I cannot do so in this experience is driving me crazy.  There is so little I can control.

Which is why it's perfect that I am struggling with this during the Advent season.

Mallory and I have been texting each other Advent-themed prayers and book passages the last couple days.  I love the Christmas season because it's all about waiting, about expecting something good in the midst of a lack.  Easter is a lovely celebration of what has been accomplished and what will be accomplished, but Christmas is the time when we slog through the in between.  We are declared holy, but we are not yet holy.  We are saved, and we are being saved.  We are sinners and saints.  We are in the in between.

Advent says, "Wait!  This dark world will soon be bursting with light!  Just wait, just hold on and wait.  It feels impossible, it feels uncomfortable, it feels agonizing, but it will be worth it."  Advent is a reminder that we are not in control, that no matter how much I wish I could speed up the calendar, December 25th will come at its own pace, and not mine.

So even though I desperately want to book a flight, know all the details, and make accommodations, Advent is reminding me to wait.  To let God lead, to let God be in control, to trust God.

Lean into the longing.

Thinking About Michael Brown

When Michael Brown's death made nationally headlines, I thought, "Aw, that sucks."  Which.  Is maybe the most disgusting reaction to the knowledge of a human being's death?  My self-centered privilege could not be better summarized than my indifferent reaction to the end of a person's life.

I was going to write about how my opinion changed, a process that mostly revolves around the destruction of my naive belief that of course Darren Wilson would be charged with murder.  But I'm not good at talking about this.  Racial tensions, and a history of racial privilege and abuse that has been largely swept under the rug (because of embarrassment? a genuine hope to move past it?), oh my gosh, that is so out of my depth.  I very much believe racial equality is still something for which America must strive, but I'm not knowledgeable on all the details of how this plays out. 

So instead I'm just going to post some of the things I've been seeing online that have got me thinking.

I'm ashamed to admit that when this first was blowing up, I thought, "But I'm fighting for gender equality, not racial equality."  Again, ugh, the inside of my brain, ugh!  As if my concern for justice can only cover one group.  Thankfully I saw things like this that connected the dots for me.

This grossed me out...

One quote that especially made me sad...

“What age is a black boy when he learns he’s scary?”― Jonathan Lethem

And then there were a lot of comparisons made of how the law treats black and white people drastically differently.

"Just a reminder that James Holmes shot 82 people, walked out of a movie theater armed to the teeth and was arrested peacefully, while Mike Brown and a 12 year old boy with a toy gun were shot to death by cops because of 'self-defense.'"

This is not a place where I'm defending what "really" happened or how this specific situation ought to be played out, although I definitely have opinions.  What I care about is my growing concern for the racial divides that run deep in American veins.  In my veins.  I am appalled at how easy it was for me to not care about the death of a human being.  I am appalled at my preference in supporting one oppressed minority (aka the group I'm in!) while totally ignoring another oppressed minority.  I want to be on the side of the downtrodden, the abused, the hurting, the ignored, whether or not I can personally identify with them.  I'm done with not caring.

Grieving The Road Not Taken

Studying counseling is...so handy.  It's as if all of life involves emotions, and knowing how to navigate them is useful. 

One thing I've loved learning is that we grieve more than the loss of humans.  We also grieve the loss of opportunities.  And every time we choose something, we are necessarily choosing not to do every other thing.  Those other things deserve to be grieved.

This is different than the fear I feel thinking about Athens (at which point Kim's voice enters my head:  "Don't make a decision based on fear.").  This is me allowing myself to grieve losing Dallas.  I'm sad that I wont work with Nancy and Tyler.  It's so fun for Nancy to crash in my office while waiting for clients.  It's so fun to duck into Tyler's office to discuss being Scottish.

I'm sad to leave a group of friends who know me more intimately than any others, friends I made while we were all practicing our counseling skills in getting deeper faster.  I'll miss going out for coffee or--oh man, I'm going to miss the live music of Dallas so much.  I'm going to miss the kids I nanny, and getting to crash in a fancy house and eat their snacks.  I'll miss DTS even, although right now my senioritis finds that hard to believe.

Part of me wants to shove this sadness down.  Being sad means I can't move forward, being sad means I'm throwing a pity party.  I used to believe these lies, but not anymore.  "It hurts because it mattered," John Green wrote, and thinking of leaving Dallas hurts because being here mattered.  That's a wonderful thing!  It is so good to be sad and to grieve the loss of something meaningful and lovely.

Grieving doesn't mean I'll change my mind.  Grieving doesn't mean I'm not also crazy excited about going to Athens.  I'm an emotionally complex human being, capable of feeling multiple contradictory emotions simultaneously.  And I'll counsel myself via a blog if I want. 

Scared

Soon after I emailed Dina and Argyris, I was driving down Royal when I thought, "This is the dumbest thing I've ever done."  My mouth curled into a smile as I thought about leaving my internship, my awesome supervisor and coworkers.  I thought about turning down a solid job in order to depend on fundraising, and my smile turned into a loud crazy laugh.

"Thank you, God!" I laughed.  "Thank you for pushing me through the doubt and getting me to this place.  I love it!"

I love the risk, I love the insanity, I love having to trust God.  I suck at that in the small everyday things, but when it gets big enough to be life-changing, I love throwing it all away.

Of course, that intense joy hasn't lasted.  Fundraising intimidates the hell out of me.  Leaving the lovely people in Dallas who know me so intimately, who have been my counselors and allowed me to counsel them--that sucks.  Imagining starting over in a new country, making new friends and finding new streets and grocery stores is already exhausting.

I feel a little bit like I'm not allowed to be scared.  I fear that someone will say, "Well, this decision is wrong.  You were right when you decided to stay in Dallas."  So for awhile I didn't tell anyone about my fear except for Michal.

Me:  "Yeah, I'm really excited. Starting to also feel sick with "OH MY GOSH WHAT AM I DOING" but I think it wouldn't be an adventure if I weren't a little bit terrified."

Michal:  "Most people live their lives never being afraid of anything. Which means you never experience the thrill of doing something risky you know Jesus is beckoning you to do. Jesus is in Greece too.  Or, they are scared of everything and are petrified into doing nothing also. Either way, you can be scared. Scared, and stay, and regret, or be scared, get drinks with friends and cry and laugh and dream over things who will support you no matter where you go, cry on the plane if you need to and then go freaking do it and have awesome stories to tell your kids one day, meet equally brave people, help those who are hurting, and contribute to a story God is creating with other people. You will smile when you look at Jesus one day knowing you went with Him to Greece."

What a friend.  I love Michal.  She had better come visit me in Greece five million times. 

I Reserve the Right to Change My Mind

I have told so many people, "So you know how, like, five days ago I told you I was definitely going to stay in Dallas?  Well....I have completely changed my mind."  It's gotten a bit old, eating so much crow, but I probably need to do one big blanket explanation.  Plus when I'm old and writing my memoir, these blog posts are going to be invaluable information.

Last Monday I was finally able to Facetime with Dina and Argyris.  It was so great to see their faces.  We spent the first five minutes gushing about how crazy it is that we first met each other ten years ago (when I was a baby 16-year-old!), how we've kept in touch this whole time and supported each other however possible.  I felt my heart melting for this amazing couple.

"We want you to come for six months," Argyris said.

"A year," Dina corrected him.

"I'm trying not to scare her!" Argyris said.  "But, yes.  The longer you can come, the better.  These women have been abandoned their entire lives.  I don't know what you feel God's calling for you is, but if you want to stay in Greece for the rest of your life, we would love that."

I laughed internally.  I WAS SO RIGHT.  In the two months of no contact, I'd worked myself into thinking I was over-reacting, reading dramatic requests where only minimal ones existed.  Not so!  They were just as passionate and friendly-demanding as I was.

"What if I just came to Athens for a couple weeks?" I asked.  I was trying very hard to hold on to my previous decision.  "I care a lot about supporting you guys, and I would love to help raise awareness about your work."

"We will take you in whatever way possible!" Argyris assured me.  This was the worst thing to say.  If he had downplayed the usefulness of a short trip, my rebellious stubborn nature would have done it to Prove How Useful I Am.  Instead, his genuine acceptance melted me further.  Two weeks wasn't enough.  I had to go for a year.

I began to freak out at this point, and it was with some relief that we ended our Facetime.  I walked around my house in circles.  It was suddenly clear that of course I had to go.  All of the reasons why I was so excited three months ago came rushing back.  This was perfect.  But what about the reasons I had decided to stay in Dallas.  What about my desire to experience long-term relationships?  What about my tendency to avoid intimacy?

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.  I am a vulnerable person.  I over share, some people say.  Of course there are some things I don't share with just anyone, and of course I am learning to show anger and tears in real life.  But I'm not the emotionally closed off person I like to think I am.  As for leaving long-term relationships...I DON'T.  Moving to Jackson, to Senegal, to Texas...it twists my stomach to think of those decisions as mistakes.  Each time an opportunity presented itself.  I didn't seek it out.  It happened, the choice lay before me, and I decided to take it despite the fact that it meant leaving dear friends.  Dear friends that I carry in my heart and chat with on Facebook.  I'm not interested in leaving them.

And anyway, I LOVE people.  I think the key difference is that while I love the people I am with at the moment, whenever I see a new group of people in another state, another country, I think, "I want to know them!  I want to know how they learn and love and work!"  I want intimacy with everyone.  I want the whole world to be my friend.  That's not a deficit.  That's a gift.

All of these thoughts convinced me I ought to go to Athens, but....what if I was wrong!?  This had all happened way too fast. 

I Facebook messaged Kim, since I knew she would understand the conflict of "when is something big enough/worthy enough to choose moving over staying?"  She refused to make the decision for me, but said things like, "Not everyone has your spirit of adventure" and "Don't ever make a decision based in fear."  I countered each of her thoughtful comments with a "But...."  Finally she said, "Stop considering all sides of the argument and BE STILL AND WAIT."

So that's what I did on Tuesday.  Every time I felt myself arguing a pro or con, I told myself to shut up.  As I turned off my brain, I kept thinking about how God is a wild God, how "he is not safe, but he is good."  I realized staying in Dallas and building a private practice would be the logical and easy decision.  But how often does God do the logical and easy thing?  Not very often, as far as my Bible studying has gone.

I've always loved the story of Gideon, loser extraordinaire.  As my friend Ruth said, "I can't tell if he's a hero or a douche."  "He's a hero and a douche.  That's what makes him so great!"  I didn't even get to the part about him, though.  At the very beginning of his story, an angel appears and says, "God is with you."  Cowardly Gideon is threshing wheat in a winepress, and he grumbles, "How can God be with us if the Mideonites are attacking us?"

My heart stopped.  That is exactly the sentiment I imagine women who have been abused and trafficked would feel.  "How can God be with me when all these horrible things have happened to me?"  I wanted nothing more than to fly to their side to say, "I am God's ambassador, I am his arms and legs and eyes and mouth, and I came halfway around the world to be with you, to know you and care for you, so that someday you might believe that he loves you, he is with you!" 

My brain knows that the best thing to do is stay in Dallas.  But my heart is 100% convinced that I should go to Athens.  I'm going to follow my heart, especially since it felt, for a moment, like God's compassionate heart was beating in its place.

On Wednesday I emailed Dina and Argyris and committed to staying at least one year in Athens.  I did learn from my previous decision.  I do want to live more in the present without looking ahead to the next thing.  So I'm moving to Athens.  And I'll stay there until I know I ought to be somewhere else.  0_0