I have told so many people, "So you know how, like, five days ago I told you I was definitely going to stay in Dallas? Well....I have completely changed my mind." It's gotten a bit old, eating so much crow, but I probably need to do one big blanket explanation. Plus when I'm old and writing my memoir, these blog posts are going to be invaluable information.
Last Monday I was finally able to Facetime with Dina and Argyris. It was so great to see their faces. We spent the first five minutes gushing about how crazy it is that we first met each other ten years ago (when I was a baby 16-year-old!), how we've kept in touch this whole time and supported each other however possible. I felt my heart melting for this amazing couple.
"We want you to come for six months," Argyris said.
"A year," Dina corrected him.
"I'm trying not to scare her!" Argyris said. "But, yes. The longer you can come, the better. These women have been abandoned their entire lives. I don't know what you feel God's calling for you is, but if you want to stay in Greece for the rest of your life, we would love that."
I laughed internally. I WAS SO RIGHT. In the two months of no contact, I'd worked myself into thinking I was over-reacting, reading dramatic requests where only minimal ones existed. Not so! They were just as passionate and friendly-demanding as I was.
"What if I just came to Athens for a couple weeks?" I asked. I was trying very hard to hold on to my previous decision. "I care a lot about supporting you guys, and I would love to help raise awareness about your work."
"We will take you in whatever way possible!" Argyris assured me. This was the worst thing to say. If he had downplayed the usefulness of a short trip, my rebellious stubborn nature would have done it to Prove How Useful I Am. Instead, his genuine acceptance melted me further. Two weeks wasn't enough. I had to go for a year.
I began to freak out at this point, and it was with some relief that we ended our Facetime. I walked around my house in circles. It was suddenly clear that of course I had to go. All of the reasons why I was so excited three months ago came rushing back. This was perfect. But what about the reasons I had decided to stay in Dallas. What about my desire to experience long-term relationships? What about my tendency to avoid intimacy?
The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I am a vulnerable person. I over share, some people say. Of course there are some things I don't share with just anyone, and of course I am learning to show anger and tears in real life. But I'm not the emotionally closed off person I like to think I am. As for leaving long-term relationships...I DON'T. Moving to Jackson, to Senegal, to Texas...it twists my stomach to think of those decisions as mistakes. Each time an opportunity presented itself. I didn't seek it out. It happened, the choice lay before me, and I decided to take it despite the fact that it meant leaving dear friends. Dear friends that I carry in my heart and chat with on Facebook. I'm not interested in leaving them.
And anyway, I LOVE people. I think the key difference is that while I love the people I am with at the moment, whenever I see a new group of people in another state, another country, I think, "I want to know them! I want to know how they learn and love and work!" I want intimacy with everyone. I want the whole world to be my friend. That's not a deficit. That's a gift.
All of these thoughts convinced me I ought to go to Athens, but....what if I was wrong!? This had all happened way too fast.
I Facebook messaged Kim, since I knew she would understand the conflict of "when is something big enough/worthy enough to choose moving over staying?" She refused to make the decision for me, but said things like, "Not everyone has your spirit of adventure" and "Don't ever make a decision based in fear." I countered each of her thoughtful comments with a "But...." Finally she said, "Stop considering all sides of the argument and BE STILL AND WAIT."
So that's what I did on Tuesday. Every time I felt myself arguing a pro or con, I told myself to shut up. As I turned off my brain, I kept thinking about how God is a wild God, how "he is not safe, but he is good." I realized staying in Dallas and building a private practice would be the logical and easy decision. But how often does God do the logical and easy thing? Not very often, as far as my Bible studying has gone.
I've always loved the story of Gideon, loser extraordinaire. As my friend Ruth said, "I can't tell if he's a hero or a douche." "He's a hero and a douche. That's what makes him so great!" I didn't even get to the part about him, though. At the very beginning of his story, an angel appears and says, "God is with you." Cowardly Gideon is threshing wheat in a winepress, and he grumbles, "How can God be with us if the Mideonites are attacking us?"
My heart stopped. That is exactly the sentiment I imagine women who have been abused and trafficked would feel. "How can God be with me when all these horrible things have happened to me?" I wanted nothing more than to fly to their side to say, "I am God's ambassador, I am his arms and legs and eyes and mouth, and I came halfway around the world to be with you, to know you and care for you, so that someday you might believe that he loves you, he is with you!"
My brain knows that the best thing to do is stay in Dallas. But my heart is 100% convinced that I should go to Athens. I'm going to follow my heart, especially since it felt, for a moment, like God's compassionate heart was beating in its place.
On Wednesday I emailed Dina and Argyris and committed to staying at least one year in Athens. I did learn from my previous decision. I do want to live more in the present without looking ahead to the next thing. So I'm moving to Athens. And I'll stay there until I know I ought to be somewhere else. 0_0
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