I'm having mixed feelings about Valentine's Day, much like my schizoid library plans. I genuinely love Valentine's Day--having a day set aside to remind everyone to show their affection to the people they love? Win.
BUT always before I've had single friends to party with on Valentine's Day. We would even go on dates, and it never felt pathetic. It was just nice, and I could honestly believe that VDay applied to more than just romance.
That was before I returned to Peoria, where everyone is weirdly coupled up. Not like, they make weird couples. But is it not strange that ALL my girl friends are paired? Why is that? UNacceptable. All my single friends are in another state.
And since they are not around for the love, I'm getting all stupid and boy-crazy. ANNOYING. I hate purposeless hormones. Let's just switch off that dopamine, huh?
I should say that this escalated because I talked to Holly, and she's got a boy (potentially, but sounds to me like DUH) and yes, I am jealous. She wanted so badly to find a boy and get married, and she has been back in the States for MERE MONTHS and she's got him. Ugh. But really, I am very excited for her! It's just one of those situations where two people want something and only one of them gets it. Mixed emotions.
In conclusion, I have turned into a SAD SACK who is actually dreading Valentine's Day. How did this happen!? (Besides all the reasons I just laid out.)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Mongolia
I am going to Ulaanbatar, Mongolia on July 6. I'll be there for three weeks! I've bought the plane tickets, and it's now officially going to happen....and I'm freaking out. This is the first time I've ever just decided to go somewhere and then planned it and bought everything all by myself. It feels so weird.
Here's the lowdown on what I'll be doing, or at least, what I know so far. I'll be living on my own (GUH, more thoughts on that below) within walking distance of an orphanage with workers that Gany knows. I will teach English to 7-11 year olds. July 11 is a big Mongolian holiday, and all the orphans dress up, and I guess it's supposed to be awesome. At some point, Gany and I are taking a four day, three night trip out into the countryside. It's supposed to be pretty rough, but we will be visiting three different families, one of which is Byamba and Sarango!
And that's all I know. But despite my limited knowledge of the trip, I have some major thoughts about it.
1) It is SO COOL how God has been working in my life. When I got home from Senegal, I was ready to jump into either the IMB, Samaritan's Purse, or New Tribes. I even started my applications for a couple of them. But then I felt like God was telling me to stop, which was upsetting and confusing, because I knew He'd confirmed my desire for international missions.
My library job fell into my lap, and I figured God had something to do with that, since my jobs always fall in my lap in a very unlikely manner. All of a sudden I was working with kids, which I'd always vowed to avoid, and I wondered if God had made me a children's librarian for just that purpose. Since I've lately been very into the idea of adoption, I had this mini-epiphany that maybe I was meant to work in an orphanage.
That thought happened last August. Because I've never worked in an orphanage, I decided that it would be ideal to try it out, preferably in July or August, since that is when work at the library is deadest. A couple months later, I met Gany. We hung out several times and discovered that we are kindred spirits. During one conversation, she mentioned that her pastor had started an orphanage. I flippantly suggested that I could come and work there.
In November, Gany was gone, but my idea was not. I emailed her asking if I could come to Mongolia, and she didn't respond. A month went by and I had totally given up. Then at the turn of the new year, she responded with a huge YES! And we've been working on figuring out details ever since.
2) I know that God will either confirm or deny my orphanage idea while I'm in Mongolia. Regardless, I think I will start talking to InnerChange when I get back, seeing if they need someone who can write and wants to work with orphans (or not, depending). So...this is the beginning of the next step! Unless it's not, because obvs, I have experience with God saying, "Hold up and wait awhile."
3) I AM FREAKING OUT. And that is a good thing. When I went to Senegal in November, it was totally a vacation for me. Everyone else on the team had the "ugh, not Senegal! oh, okay, if it's You, God" reaction, and then they were blessed by the trip. I just went to see my friends. And I think that was okay, because God likes for me to have friends and to support them, and to celebrate relationships.
But I worried that missions were blase for me. Maybe most people would be excited about feeling confident, but not me. When God calls me outside of my comfort zone, I start to really listen to Him and learn from Him. I learned that from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I wanted to always be called further up and further in (oops, that was Last Battle) which always involves this conversation:
Me: Um, no God. I'm quite happy here.
God: But I have something better just beyond.
Me: Thanks, but no.
God: Just a little bit...
Me: NO.
God: So you want to be in this relationship stasis with Me forever?
Me: Well, no.
God: So trust me. Let's do something you aren't ready for.
Me: AAAAHHHhhhh, huh. Hey, this is awesome! Thanks, God!
And anyway, I (naively!) thought I would never have that conversation again. Oh, silly me. God has found a whole new way to challenge me and get me to rely on Him. I am going to Mongolia alone! And when I get there, I will be living alone! In a country where very few people speak English! But that's okay, because I will have a card with my address on it. !!! And I will have to buy and cook my own food. And LIVE ON MY OWN IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY.
I tried to get other people to come with me. For a while I thought Stephanie was joining me, but she bailed because of other missions opportunities. I asked a couple other people, and they said no. I had pretty much figured out that maybe God wanted me to go by myself, but I was desperately trying to prove Him wrong.
Because this is incredibly scary. I will be like, fully independent. When I was in Senegal, I had Liz. I mean, basically it was the Liz show, and I just tagged behind. But now I have to do everything on my own.
But you know, that's not true. I'll be alone, but this will show me to rely on God. To trust Him.
So even though it is terrifying, I am very excited! It is encouraging to know that God is still working in my life, still teaching me new things and forcing me to grow. I like God being invested in my life!
4) Wow. If you made it all the way here, CONGRATULATIONS. I basically just ranted for three pages. You are a true friend.
Here's the lowdown on what I'll be doing, or at least, what I know so far. I'll be living on my own (GUH, more thoughts on that below) within walking distance of an orphanage with workers that Gany knows. I will teach English to 7-11 year olds. July 11 is a big Mongolian holiday, and all the orphans dress up, and I guess it's supposed to be awesome. At some point, Gany and I are taking a four day, three night trip out into the countryside. It's supposed to be pretty rough, but we will be visiting three different families, one of which is Byamba and Sarango!
And that's all I know. But despite my limited knowledge of the trip, I have some major thoughts about it.
1) It is SO COOL how God has been working in my life. When I got home from Senegal, I was ready to jump into either the IMB, Samaritan's Purse, or New Tribes. I even started my applications for a couple of them. But then I felt like God was telling me to stop, which was upsetting and confusing, because I knew He'd confirmed my desire for international missions.
My library job fell into my lap, and I figured God had something to do with that, since my jobs always fall in my lap in a very unlikely manner. All of a sudden I was working with kids, which I'd always vowed to avoid, and I wondered if God had made me a children's librarian for just that purpose. Since I've lately been very into the idea of adoption, I had this mini-epiphany that maybe I was meant to work in an orphanage.
That thought happened last August. Because I've never worked in an orphanage, I decided that it would be ideal to try it out, preferably in July or August, since that is when work at the library is deadest. A couple months later, I met Gany. We hung out several times and discovered that we are kindred spirits. During one conversation, she mentioned that her pastor had started an orphanage. I flippantly suggested that I could come and work there.
In November, Gany was gone, but my idea was not. I emailed her asking if I could come to Mongolia, and she didn't respond. A month went by and I had totally given up. Then at the turn of the new year, she responded with a huge YES! And we've been working on figuring out details ever since.
2) I know that God will either confirm or deny my orphanage idea while I'm in Mongolia. Regardless, I think I will start talking to InnerChange when I get back, seeing if they need someone who can write and wants to work with orphans (or not, depending). So...this is the beginning of the next step! Unless it's not, because obvs, I have experience with God saying, "Hold up and wait awhile."
3) I AM FREAKING OUT. And that is a good thing. When I went to Senegal in November, it was totally a vacation for me. Everyone else on the team had the "ugh, not Senegal! oh, okay, if it's You, God" reaction, and then they were blessed by the trip. I just went to see my friends. And I think that was okay, because God likes for me to have friends and to support them, and to celebrate relationships.
But I worried that missions were blase for me. Maybe most people would be excited about feeling confident, but not me. When God calls me outside of my comfort zone, I start to really listen to Him and learn from Him. I learned that from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I wanted to always be called further up and further in (oops, that was Last Battle) which always involves this conversation:
Me: Um, no God. I'm quite happy here.
God: But I have something better just beyond.
Me: Thanks, but no.
God: Just a little bit...
Me: NO.
God: So you want to be in this relationship stasis with Me forever?
Me: Well, no.
God: So trust me. Let's do something you aren't ready for.
Me: AAAAHHHhhhh, huh. Hey, this is awesome! Thanks, God!
And anyway, I (naively!) thought I would never have that conversation again. Oh, silly me. God has found a whole new way to challenge me and get me to rely on Him. I am going to Mongolia alone! And when I get there, I will be living alone! In a country where very few people speak English! But that's okay, because I will have a card with my address on it. !!! And I will have to buy and cook my own food. And LIVE ON MY OWN IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY.
I tried to get other people to come with me. For a while I thought Stephanie was joining me, but she bailed because of other missions opportunities. I asked a couple other people, and they said no. I had pretty much figured out that maybe God wanted me to go by myself, but I was desperately trying to prove Him wrong.
Because this is incredibly scary. I will be like, fully independent. When I was in Senegal, I had Liz. I mean, basically it was the Liz show, and I just tagged behind. But now I have to do everything on my own.
But you know, that's not true. I'll be alone, but this will show me to rely on God. To trust Him.
So even though it is terrifying, I am very excited! It is encouraging to know that God is still working in my life, still teaching me new things and forcing me to grow. I like God being invested in my life!
4) Wow. If you made it all the way here, CONGRATULATIONS. I basically just ranted for three pages. You are a true friend.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Nostalgia vs Contentment
A few things piled up today, and made me think thoughts and such. Stephanie visited last weekend, and naturally we ended up talking a lot about post-college life. As always, having someone tell me they feel what I feel...makes me feel the opposite. BECAUSE I AM CONTRARY. But in this case, it was good! As she moaned and worried about not being at Union and the constant friendships and not knowing what to do with life, I started thinking that pft, graduating was not such a big deal (even though I totally moaned and cried about it myself at the time).
And I just finished a book in which the main character graduates from high school and says the typical "I don't want high school to be the best four years of my life, or the rest of my life will suck." And I heartily agreed until I realized that is how I view college. And...I don't want the rest of my life to suck!
But the kicker came in Joel's sermon, wherein his very first sentence was "nostalgia can be very harmful to your faith." I actually thought he was talking directly to me. Everything he said was true, and as a result of all these things swimming through my synapses, I've decided to compare my current life with my college life. And you know what? Current life wins.
Granted, college was awesome. Some of my absolute favorite friendships were formed during those years. I had hilarious adventures and cuddly downtimes. It was a wonderful three and a half year experience.
But since college? I moved to Senegal, and made yet more absolute favorite friendships. I got a real job, which I love! I get to be in charge of things--I have responsibility and creative freedom. People look to me for answers, and I get to start new things and change things for the better. Instead of going to church for myself, I am now on the giving end of church relationships. I am so super excited about working with the junior high Sunday School girls. (More on them at the end of this post.) Again, I love being a part of something where I have responsibility and authority.
I am free to do what I want when I want. There is no school schedule constricting my plans. Yes, I have a job, but an awesome one in which my boss lets me take three weeks off in July no problem. When I figure out my next move in life, I can just do it! There is no longer a stairstep of accomplishments ahead of me. The world is mine, and I can go where I want when I want. I can do what I want. I can be with who I want.
So yeah. College rocked, and I'm so grateful for those memories. But my life rocks right now too! And I fully anticipate that it is only going to get better, all the way until I'm rocking the track suits and wrinkles.
(Okay, so here is my junior high girls Sunday School story. Two weeks ago we talked about missions, and I was so exhilarated when they, on their own, said they wanted to be a part of missions, locally and supporting foreign missionaries, since they are too young to participate in that themselves. Of course I was not going to let that opportunity go. I thought about doing something for the Forsythes, but they are Woodland's missionary celebs at the moment--and rightfully so, because I love them dearly!--and I wanted someone else to be supported.
Who better than the Petrous? I brought in pictures from my Greece trips and read to them from the Petrous latest newsletter. I explained their financial situation, and my girls were immediately all about helping them! I love their passion! They decided that we would make a bunch of crafts, then sell stuff at church in a few weeks. The money we make will go to the Petrous. We planned out dates, and I might even get a couple of them to make an announcement in our worship services.
Before I left Senegal, the one thing I really felt like God wanted me to do in Peoria was mentor younger girls. AND IT IS HAPPENING. I mean, that scares me sometimes, because I am far from perfect. But it's moments like these, when I see God using my passions and passing them on to other people, that I am so confident in God's guidance of my life. That subject could be a whole separate post. And probably will be someday.)
And I just finished a book in which the main character graduates from high school and says the typical "I don't want high school to be the best four years of my life, or the rest of my life will suck." And I heartily agreed until I realized that is how I view college. And...I don't want the rest of my life to suck!
But the kicker came in Joel's sermon, wherein his very first sentence was "nostalgia can be very harmful to your faith." I actually thought he was talking directly to me. Everything he said was true, and as a result of all these things swimming through my synapses, I've decided to compare my current life with my college life. And you know what? Current life wins.
Granted, college was awesome. Some of my absolute favorite friendships were formed during those years. I had hilarious adventures and cuddly downtimes. It was a wonderful three and a half year experience.
But since college? I moved to Senegal, and made yet more absolute favorite friendships. I got a real job, which I love! I get to be in charge of things--I have responsibility and creative freedom. People look to me for answers, and I get to start new things and change things for the better. Instead of going to church for myself, I am now on the giving end of church relationships. I am so super excited about working with the junior high Sunday School girls. (More on them at the end of this post.) Again, I love being a part of something where I have responsibility and authority.
I am free to do what I want when I want. There is no school schedule constricting my plans. Yes, I have a job, but an awesome one in which my boss lets me take three weeks off in July no problem. When I figure out my next move in life, I can just do it! There is no longer a stairstep of accomplishments ahead of me. The world is mine, and I can go where I want when I want. I can do what I want. I can be with who I want.
So yeah. College rocked, and I'm so grateful for those memories. But my life rocks right now too! And I fully anticipate that it is only going to get better, all the way until I'm rocking the track suits and wrinkles.
(Okay, so here is my junior high girls Sunday School story. Two weeks ago we talked about missions, and I was so exhilarated when they, on their own, said they wanted to be a part of missions, locally and supporting foreign missionaries, since they are too young to participate in that themselves. Of course I was not going to let that opportunity go. I thought about doing something for the Forsythes, but they are Woodland's missionary celebs at the moment--and rightfully so, because I love them dearly!--and I wanted someone else to be supported.
Who better than the Petrous? I brought in pictures from my Greece trips and read to them from the Petrous latest newsletter. I explained their financial situation, and my girls were immediately all about helping them! I love their passion! They decided that we would make a bunch of crafts, then sell stuff at church in a few weeks. The money we make will go to the Petrous. We planned out dates, and I might even get a couple of them to make an announcement in our worship services.
Before I left Senegal, the one thing I really felt like God wanted me to do in Peoria was mentor younger girls. AND IT IS HAPPENING. I mean, that scares me sometimes, because I am far from perfect. But it's moments like these, when I see God using my passions and passing them on to other people, that I am so confident in God's guidance of my life. That subject could be a whole separate post. And probably will be someday.)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Today is the Best Kind of Day
1. Woke up early and put my hair in a french braid. This was a noteworthy hairstyle because a) it kept my hair out of my face for the upcoming events and b) french braids always make me feel like Katniss.
2. Went downtown to the Harrison Homes to paint some rooms with 15 Woodlanders, ranging in age from 16-80. It's like a summer mission trip, but super fast, and colder. But I love us, and the comfort with which we interact: "Oh, don't mind my reaching across your face to paint that corner." "No problem, so long as you let me lean on you so I don't fall over while reaching behind that pipe."
3. Forgot to mention before 2 that I got Starbucks coffee and a scone for breakfast but I am just too lazy to click up above and change around the numbers.
4. I got dressed for snow.
5. And went to the Bibb's house, where
6. We played in snow! We sledded down their crazy driveway, had races, tried doubling up, and frequently crashed into the two foot wall of snow on either side of the plowed driveway. And then Bruce would pull Jenna and I around on a water tube from their plow. Best was after Jenna went in and Bruce drove down the hill, up the hill, down the hill, and then pulled crazy turns so that I was flung side to side. SO FUN.
7. Then we ate lasagna and watched the entire first season of Party Down, which is often horrible, but had just about every character from Veronica Mars make a guest appearance so that Jenna and I would shout, "Vinnie! LOGAN! Random teacher guy! That bad guy! VERONICA!!" Awesome.
2. Went downtown to the Harrison Homes to paint some rooms with 15 Woodlanders, ranging in age from 16-80. It's like a summer mission trip, but super fast, and colder. But I love us, and the comfort with which we interact: "Oh, don't mind my reaching across your face to paint that corner." "No problem, so long as you let me lean on you so I don't fall over while reaching behind that pipe."
3. Forgot to mention before 2 that I got Starbucks coffee and a scone for breakfast but I am just too lazy to click up above and change around the numbers.
4. I got dressed for snow.
5. And went to the Bibb's house, where
6. We played in snow! We sledded down their crazy driveway, had races, tried doubling up, and frequently crashed into the two foot wall of snow on either side of the plowed driveway. And then Bruce would pull Jenna and I around on a water tube from their plow. Best was after Jenna went in and Bruce drove down the hill, up the hill, down the hill, and then pulled crazy turns so that I was flung side to side. SO FUN.
7. Then we ate lasagna and watched the entire first season of Party Down, which is often horrible, but had just about every character from Veronica Mars make a guest appearance so that Jenna and I would shout, "Vinnie! LOGAN! Random teacher guy! That bad guy! VERONICA!!" Awesome.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Reading Clever Books Makes Me The Writer's Equivalent of High
A few years ago I stopped wanting to be an author for one reason: I realized I am not creative. It was horrific, I assure you, because for twelve years of my life I had claimed as future profession something for which I was not genetically equipped to pursue.
Sad day.
And before anyone tells me I'm wrong, which they do, and which is silly because obvs, I am never wrong, here is my explanation. Sure, I can write okay. I can even do a bit of drawing and painting etc. But are they ever original? No. I write about my life, not any awesome made up world or scenario. Watch this:
Twelve year old Tommy jumped over the river and landed inside his grandmother's home, where a wolf with black horn-rimmed glasses was sipping tea and jamming on his amped up guitar. Tommy was displeased.
That was my stream-of-consciousness attempt at creating a story. I think I've read something like it before (except with weird inclusions of the depths of my psyche, apparently).
Also I can only draw and paint things that I look at and stare at and painstakingly copy. When things come out of my head, they end up as squiggles.
SO.
The point of this is, I DO have an imagination. Which is really a disappointment, because my idealization of reality is usually far and away more awesome than what really exists. For example: Abby played soccer this winter. I went to one of her games because she said they play in a BLOWN UP STADIUM.
And let me just say, it IS a very cool stadium. There are circular doors you walk through, and your ears pop, and from the outside it looks like a misshapen Epcot globe.
But that does not compare to my imagination. The whole ride there I annoyed everyone in the car with questions like, "So can you push people into the wall since it wouldn't hurt them? Like body check them? Oh like SOCCER AND HOCKEY COMBINED?" "I'm so sorry you're sick, Abby. I hope you don't throw up while playing. OH WAIT I DO HOPE YOU GET SICK! Then your vomit would bounce off the floor and....I dunno, smack you in the face." "If we bounce on our seats, will it undulate onto the field and make everyone fall down?"
Finally some Monahan said, "I think you're about to be very disappointed."
And I kind of was. Like when before my first big trip to Dakar, when Liz and Kim told me about the wonders of Downtown. Yeah, it was totally capitalized in my head. The streets were shiny, and everything sparkled, and there was a very good chance that there was a castle levitating on the horizon. I KNEW Dakar wouldn't be that....but a little part of me actually did. And while I loved Dakar (and it's wonderfully American Casino grocery store), there were no shining castles.
I don't know what this all means. I have a weird imagination, but no ability to translate it into a coherent art form? Probably that means I will just be trapped in my own head, slowly going insane from all the nonsense that cannot get out of my brainspace.
Oh look. More weird imaginings. OR IS IT?
Sad day.
And before anyone tells me I'm wrong, which they do, and which is silly because obvs, I am never wrong, here is my explanation. Sure, I can write okay. I can even do a bit of drawing and painting etc. But are they ever original? No. I write about my life, not any awesome made up world or scenario. Watch this:
Twelve year old Tommy jumped over the river and landed inside his grandmother's home, where a wolf with black horn-rimmed glasses was sipping tea and jamming on his amped up guitar. Tommy was displeased.
That was my stream-of-consciousness attempt at creating a story. I think I've read something like it before (except with weird inclusions of the depths of my psyche, apparently).
Also I can only draw and paint things that I look at and stare at and painstakingly copy. When things come out of my head, they end up as squiggles.
SO.
The point of this is, I DO have an imagination. Which is really a disappointment, because my idealization of reality is usually far and away more awesome than what really exists. For example: Abby played soccer this winter. I went to one of her games because she said they play in a BLOWN UP STADIUM.
And let me just say, it IS a very cool stadium. There are circular doors you walk through, and your ears pop, and from the outside it looks like a misshapen Epcot globe.
But that does not compare to my imagination. The whole ride there I annoyed everyone in the car with questions like, "So can you push people into the wall since it wouldn't hurt them? Like body check them? Oh like SOCCER AND HOCKEY COMBINED?" "I'm so sorry you're sick, Abby. I hope you don't throw up while playing. OH WAIT I DO HOPE YOU GET SICK! Then your vomit would bounce off the floor and....I dunno, smack you in the face." "If we bounce on our seats, will it undulate onto the field and make everyone fall down?"
Finally some Monahan said, "I think you're about to be very disappointed."
And I kind of was. Like when before my first big trip to Dakar, when Liz and Kim told me about the wonders of Downtown. Yeah, it was totally capitalized in my head. The streets were shiny, and everything sparkled, and there was a very good chance that there was a castle levitating on the horizon. I KNEW Dakar wouldn't be that....but a little part of me actually did. And while I loved Dakar (and it's wonderfully American Casino grocery store), there were no shining castles.
I don't know what this all means. I have a weird imagination, but no ability to translate it into a coherent art form? Probably that means I will just be trapped in my own head, slowly going insane from all the nonsense that cannot get out of my brainspace.
Oh look. More weird imaginings. OR IS IT?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Epic Snow
I've been home for the past day and a half, reading books, watching TV, and watching movies. It has been glorious, but I need to get out tomorrow (because the library is closed again! I LOVE SNOW DAYS, even when I'm bored with being home).
I watched The Social Network for the second time, and oh my word, I just love it so so so much. The brilliance! The wit! Mark Zuckerburg is completely fascinating. Or maybe Jesse Eisenberg is fascinating. I don't even know, which is why I have a big weird crush on both of them. Liz said it best just a couple seconds ago on my facebook wall (BECAUSE MARK ZUCKERBURG HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD) when she said, "
I watched The Social Network for the second time, and oh my word, I just love it so so so much. The brilliance! The wit! Mark Zuckerburg is completely fascinating. Or maybe Jesse Eisenberg is fascinating. I don't even know, which is why I have a big weird crush on both of them. Liz said it best just a couple seconds ago on my facebook wall (BECAUSE MARK ZUCKERBURG HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD) when she said, "
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Adam/Sark/VD Father Type
Just last Tuesday, when discussing Heroes with the Monahans, I mentioned that the only character to actually remain dead (Adam) was my favorite character, because he was attractive. In fact, my love for him in Heroes caused me to allow Stephanie to make me watch his episodes in Alias, and well, Sark is awesome.
I got off work half a day early, and proceeded to spend most of the day watching the most recent Vampire Diaries episodes. Never watched it before, but people I respect kept saying it was not as awful as it started out being, so....I caved. And SARK IS THE FATHER. What?! He is the attractive male actor! Not the next generation up!
Ugh.
My worldview just got rocked.
I got off work half a day early, and proceeded to spend most of the day watching the most recent Vampire Diaries episodes. Never watched it before, but people I respect kept saying it was not as awful as it started out being, so....I caved. And SARK IS THE FATHER. What?! He is the attractive male actor! Not the next generation up!
Ugh.
My worldview just got rocked.
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