In my continuing bid to become Singles Defender of Our Generation, I recently wrote a short response to Mark Driscoll's "You've Got Six Options if You're Single" blog post on Facebook. As is my way, I continued to think about it days after first reading his thoughts. Particularly, I was stuck on his Option #2: Surrender. This is the option where you give up on wanting something and force your heart to turn to stone. It is most beautifully and eloquently explained in "Hello, My Old Heart" by The Oh Hello's.
This is, as you may have guessed, my coping strategy of choice. I drove to school thinking about it, and the more I thought, the more obvious it seemed that this was a good option. I have a neurotic tendency to have arguments with imaginary people, so when these fake voices told me I ought not close off my heart, I said out loud, "Because it fucking hurts to keep your heart open." Tears were suddenly in my eyes, which was not okay because I was about to be in public. I ground out, "Tell me why I shouldn't."
And then in that way where maybe I imagine or maybe I hear or maybe some deep wisdom is elevated to consciousness, I knew, "So you can know me."
With that, all the rage and pain fell away. I blinked at my tears. "Well," I told the Whatever. "That...is a good reason."
And it's the only reason, as far as I'm concerned. People will always cause me pain. You will have a hard time convincing me that it is worthwhile to keep my heart tender because the possibility of reward will co-exist with the possibility of punishment. Nope, I don't like those odds. But if hardening my heart will shut out God as well? I know we've had our rough patches, but God has never given up on me. He's never hurt me. I'm not willing to give up my one perfect relationship in order to avoid the pain that is inevitably coming from all my imperfect relationships.
So. Hello, my old heart. How have you been?
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