The Grace of the Church

I had it in my head to put together a sort of Faith Profile of my year with the poems I've been writing.  So picked out the ones I was extra proud of and worked on editing them and putting them in some semblance of order.  I did this right before bed, which was a problem.  For one thing, it got my creative mind racing, and that takes ages to shut off.  For another, it opened up memories and feelings and doubts and worries.  I've been feeling pretty on top of things lately, and then I read my own words describing myself in my darkest emotions.  Not a great idea.

The result was that I skipped church today.  My alarm went off, I hit snooze.  Then I laid in bed for ten minutes thinking about how I was really tired and anyway I didn't want to go.  So I didn't, and I slept until 11:30.

It's funny, the days I skip church sometimes turn into big spiritual epiphanies for me.  That happened a little while ago, but it isn't what I want to talk about.

What I've been learning lately is the power of the Church.  I think I've always thought of it as God's people, I got that part.  I knew it was more than a building, more than a gathering of people who thought and acted the same way.  But in the last year or so, I've been deepening my awareness and appreciation of the sacred. 

One of the sacred things I've been stepping into is Communion.  That's honestly the main thing I miss whenever I'm not at church.  I've grown to love the cracker pieces and wine glasses passed down the pew.  I love taking strength there, remembering that I am here because of Christ, that it is only through Him that I can do anything.  I don't think the bread and wine are literally Jesus's body and blood, but I do think there is something far more sacred going on than I ever realized.  I think there is some special grace in taking Communion, some acknowledgment of our humility and dependency, some concrete action of finding purpose and strength in Him.

The other sacred thing I've been stepping into is the Church.  I just googled "Is the Church a sacrament?" and turns out the Vatican II said there is a sacramental nature to the Church, so good, I'm not alone in thinking this.  The thing is, as I've grown weaker this year, more aware of my sins and the sins of the world, I've found real peace in the Church.  Not as in they encourage me, though they have.  What I mean is, it's so comforting to know that while I struggle and doubt, there are others in the Church who are strong and faithful.  When I skipped church this morning, I took strength in knowing that there were others who went, men and women and children who heard the Word and took Communion and echoed creeds.  It's not a get-out-of-jail-free pass.  It's a genuine grace, I think, this acknowledgment that I cannot be strong all the time, but that God has me as one small piece of a Body--a Body that is strong, that continues when I am not physically present.  There is such comfort in seeing faith as communal rather than individualistic.

I'm turning mystical, I guess, and pretty High Church.  I just love it.  I love stepping outside of myself and realizing how dependent I am upon God's grace, how I need physical manifestations of His grace to eat and drink, how I need relational manifestations of His grace to serve Him when I cannot.  It's all just crazy enough to make sense.